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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband does not want to spend his birthday evening with me and I feel hurt !

264 replies

cazza40 · 28/01/2011 19:10

My dh spends lots of time at work and has a really demanding job. I really appreciate the fact that for the moment I can be at home with our dds. But today is his birthday and I wanted to make a special meal for him he wanted to go out with work mates and is going to be back late. I'm at home now drinking and feeling a bit sorry for myself AIBU ?

OP posts:
MorganMindy · 28/01/2011 22:34

"I have been asking him about this evening for weeks and he knew I wanted to make a meal for him"

For me this is the key phrase from Cazza. He knew she wanted to cook him a meal to celebrate his birthday and has still chosen to go out with his work mates instead. I would be very upset too if that was me.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 22:35

picking a fight ?

there are posters on both sides of his argument still here

still chipping in

pigletmania · 28/01/2011 22:35

No nobody on here, but i noticed on other threads whereby the op was moaning about say dh forgetting her birthday or going off in a huff, shouts of 'divorce' 'leave him' or speculating into the state of the relationship when the op has not given such info. Of course if there was signs of domestic violence or abuse you would advise op to leave and seek help

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 22:35

this

my t key is fecked

MorganMindy · 28/01/2011 22:35

I don't get how people are saying it's ok. How many of you would rather spend your birthday evening with your work colleagues instead of your partner and children???

jumpingcastles · 28/01/2011 22:36

i think the OP is right in going away and ignoring some ridiculous statements on here.

he is very much allowed to party with his friends!

pigletmania · 28/01/2011 22:37

I agree Morgan, but the end of the day its HIS birthday and if he wants to go for drinks after work so be it. He should have communicated to caz better, mabey come up with a compromise such as doing after work drinks on his birthday, and the following day doing something special with the family.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 28/01/2011 22:38

No, not paranoid. Are you aware that paranoia is a form of mental illness? Would you use a physical illness as a form of insult? No, of course you wouldn't, because that would be silly and rather insulting.

Anyway, I thought you were off to bed?

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 22:39

jc, you might think that

but Op was upset

are you denying that she has the right to be upset ?

read the title of the thread, and think about how insensitive your statement sounds

MorganMindy · 28/01/2011 22:40

I get what you're saying piglet, I know it's his birthday to celebrate as he chooses but do you not think it is strange that his choice is to spend it without his wife and children?

pigletmania · 28/01/2011 22:41

Some people just dont place importance on their birthdays at all. My dh is like that, he does not do his birthday, not fussed tbh and I respect that. We do cards and presents, but he does not like to go out anywhere or get presents tbh, and I just end up cooking his favourite dish of spag bol.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 28/01/2011 22:41

My DH goes out with people from his work to unwind from a stressful shift. This can only be done with people that understand the job

Once in a while maybe - in certain jobs, not as a regular thing - no. That's just a convenient excuse.

AF - concrete to bash your head against - but to bury them under works as well.

I agree with both you and MaisieCat

SGB - I agree with you to a certain extent - in that the birthday person should choose how to celebrate it, however, when you have kids they want to celebrate it with you don't they... when you have a wife/husband they generally want to be with you on your birthday - does it really just give you carte blanche to fuck them off and go out with people from work not giving a shit that it hurts them? Not in my mind it doesn't. Choose whether to go out, have friends over, have a takeaway - yeah, but not to even see your kids and not to even invite your wife... nah.

Tabliope · 28/01/2011 22:41

oh jeez maisie, extrapolating again. Paranoid is a word that's in common English usage regardless of the true meaning of it. You have to turn it into the worst insult. You need to keep a lid on things. As someone else said you could argue with your own shadow. And so what if I'm still up. I've topped my wine glass up.

pigletmania · 28/01/2011 22:42

Now if dh adopted the same attitude to MY birthday or dds birthday that would be a probelm and I would pull him up on it.

Tabliope · 28/01/2011 22:43

exactly piglet. Those condemning him are acting like he's done it on her birthday. Chipping I could be wrong but I haven't read he does it regularly, just sometimes.

MorganMindy · 28/01/2011 22:44

So Piglet, if you'd planned to give your DH his fave spag bol and open some cards from the kids and he turned around and said not to bother he was out with his friends from work you wouldn't be hurt?

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 28/01/2011 22:44

No, some people don't place importance on their birthdays and that's absolutely fair enough. What's not fair enough is that despite asking him for weeks and wanting to cook a special meal and telling him how hurt she was he's ignored her and gone out for drinks with work colleagues. Hasn't cut the evening short, hasn't just gone for one or two - he's ignored her feelings and done exactly as he pleases.

Tabliope · 28/01/2011 22:45

BECAUSE IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY!! maisie - NOT HERS

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 28/01/2011 22:46

No, not extrapolating again - just because you say things don't make them so, Tab. That wine is making you rather tetchy.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 28/01/2011 22:47

I KNOW IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY

pigletmania · 28/01/2011 22:47

Well Morgan we would have discussed it beforehand and if he really wanted to go after work with his mates than so be it, we would have opened his card/present with dd in the morning, and do something special the next day. Imo you can celebrate birthdays after the event, does not have to be on the day. sometimes its a week day and you have work the next day so cant go out for the day etc. I normally do, if my birthday is on a weekday, we will plan to do something really special at the weekend so that we have the day.

Beaaware · 28/01/2011 22:48

YANBU, men are selfish.

Tabliope · 28/01/2011 22:49

Maybe she's ignored his wishes. Not tetchy maisie, irritated that someone is so obtuse and so quick to take offence. It must be hard living with someone that sees a problem in everything. Every wrong look. Every time they don't get their wishes met (even on someone else's birthday). That's a sign of low self esteem imo

pigletmania · 28/01/2011 22:50

It would have been better really had the op dh had come for a compromise though, brief dinks then home for a meal.

pigletmania · 28/01/2011 22:51

Yes its what the op wanted but not what he would have liked as if he is like my dh hates fuss, strange but there is nowt as queer as folk I am afraid.