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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband does not want to spend his birthday evening with me and I feel hurt !

264 replies

cazza40 · 28/01/2011 19:10

My dh spends lots of time at work and has a really demanding job. I really appreciate the fact that for the moment I can be at home with our dds. But today is his birthday and I wanted to make a special meal for him he wanted to go out with work mates and is going to be back late. I'm at home now drinking and feeling a bit sorry for myself AIBU ?

OP posts:
2posh2post · 28/01/2011 19:36

YANBU it's miserable being in on a Friday night on your own, unable to go out because DH has his own social plans and assumes you will act as an unpaid babysitter. It would be much more natural for him to have arranged a sitter and asked you to join him, perhaps at say 8 (so he can talk work with his mates) and then go for dinner. Tell him clearly or he will do this more and more often.

It's even worse if he only sprang it on you today (just guessing). If so, then he REALLY didn't want you showing up :-(

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 19:37

DF...I doubt that would happen

it usually doesn't

SparkleSoiree · 28/01/2011 19:37

YANBU

Original poster
cazza40 · 28/01/2011 19:39

No I definitely don't assume he is up to no good. He is 38 our kids are 5 and 7. Thanks for everyones thoughts on this !

OP posts:
compo · 28/01/2011 19:39

It's his birthday though
I'd sooner go out with my mates and get pissed than spend my birthday putting the kids to bed

1234ThumbWar · 28/01/2011 19:39

My DH prefers to celebrate his birthday with friends rather than a meal out just the two of us, however I would most definitely be invited too. There's no way it's not hurtful.

valiumredhead · 28/01/2011 19:39

I wouldn't bat an eyelid if dh went for after work drinks on his birthday and I know for sure if the situation was reversed he would feel the same. I'm not sure I understand the big deal tbh. I am sorry you are feeling hurt though. Think you need to have a chat with him, probably best not to do it tonight.

cupofteaplease · 28/01/2011 19:40

I don't know if YABU or not actually...

I would always rather a night out on my birthday than a meal at home. BUT, I would have a birthday tea with my children first, then go out WITH my dh and friends.

I can say this because it was my birthday last weekend and we celebrated with a tea party, then the dc went to grandmother's house and dh and I went to a hotel with friends.

I would not have gone out for my birthday without my dh, but he would have been happy to stay home with the dc, I had to make him come. If I were you, I wouldn't have bothered with the meal, but I would have expected to go out with him and his colleagues.

BadRoly · 28/01/2011 19:40

I don't know if it means there is anything sinister going on but I would be mightily pissed off if it is straightforward as you said in your op.

Original poster
cazza40 · 28/01/2011 19:41

He told me yesterday so it wasn't sprung on me but it was made clear it was a work thing

OP posts:
Ryoko · 28/01/2011 19:41

I was all for coming on here and saying YABU as I wouldn't have wanted to spend my birthday with my DF, as I am not working and hardly leave the house I would have preferred to go out drinking with mates which I've not done since November.

But it sounds like the opposite is the case for you and your kids, sounds like you are ones who hardly see him with him spending most of his time with his mates, you need to tell him to get his priorities right, are you stuck at home not working BTW?.

jumpingcastles · 28/01/2011 19:43

i dont see any alarm bells tbh.

he has already done something with the family and there is the whole weekend.

is the man not supposed to hang with his friends fgs?

how many married women celebrate their birthdays with their friends?

is it a problem because they are hanging out in the evening? if it had been a lunch, would you have been bothered?

berri · 28/01/2011 19:44

How silly and unthoughtful for people to suggest her DH is having an affair!!!!

Why on earth would him going out for some drinks with his mates point to this? Whatever day of the year it is?

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 19:44

he hasn't "done something with the family"

he saw his kids for a few minutes this morning before work/school

in my book, that does not count

MsKLo · 28/01/2011 19:45

I am in agreement with anyfucker on this

And even if it is nothing untoward - it doesn't show much love and respect to you that he would rather be out with mates than with you

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 19:45

they were all in the same place at the same time, since they live together

that is not "doing something together as a family for his birthday" Hmm

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 28/01/2011 19:47

He did something with his family at 7am and then went off to work. He can hang about with his friends, but why not include his wife and why does he need to be out with them til late? If he still, at the age of 38, has to have a birthday drink with his pals then fair enough, but excluding his family completely from the proceedings is skewed priorties.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 19:48

have said my piece, not going to argue with people

OP...you are unhappy about it

you yourself call him a selfish fucker

YANBU

now you can suck it up if you like, and look after his kids while he does what the fuck he likes

I would not, that is all

jumpingcastles · 28/01/2011 19:48

suggesting the guy is having an affair/or is lying is absolutely ridiculous!

Original poster
cazza40 · 28/01/2011 19:50

We do have the weekend together as a family though hence the AIBU ? And yes for the last 2 years I am a SAHM . I go out with my friends and he is good about this.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 28/01/2011 19:50

So he made it clear then that he didn't want you there. Nice!

I think a husband should want to be with his wife more than he wants to be with other people and vice versa. If that is not the case, then there are big problems in the relationship imo.

valiumredhead · 28/01/2011 19:50

Oh hang on - it IS a works thing? Well the poor bloke's probably got no choice then. My dh has to go out on loads of evenings out which on the surface looks like he's out having a good time but in reality he hates them and would rather be anywhere else.

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 28/01/2011 19:52

I agree with anyfucker

eveline22 · 28/01/2011 19:53

I think there is more to this for you to be posting. Has he done this before?

GloriaSmut · 28/01/2011 19:54

I don't think this rather crass and thoughtless behaviour counts as any sort of dire warning about his fidelity - either now or in future. I think it is a selfish choice for him to make given that the OP would have liked to have celebrated his birthday with a family evening but I wouldn't be jumping to further conclusions.