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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My husband does not want to spend his birthday evening with me and I feel hurt !

264 replies

cazza40 · 28/01/2011 19:10

My dh spends lots of time at work and has a really demanding job. I really appreciate the fact that for the moment I can be at home with our dds. But today is his birthday and I wanted to make a special meal for him he wanted to go out with work mates and is going to be back late. I'm at home now drinking and feeling a bit sorry for myself AIBU ?

OP posts:

mrsnellie · 28/01/2011 22:10

As has already been said, it's impossible to judge the situation without knowing all of the facts. Based on what we have been told I don't think it is fair to condemn him for going out for a drink. If he goes out every Friday then it would b u to organise something on that night, especially if you know you will be spending the weekend together. My DH goes out with people from his work to unwind from a stressful shift. This can only be done with people that understand the job so maybe it is not as simple as him just going out for the sake if it. I also sympathise with OP as my DH's work has come before our family life many times over and it's not much fun feeling like you're at the bottom of a pile sometimes but it doesn't mean the marriage is in crisis

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 22:12

mrsnellie...if you are regularly made to feel that you are at the "bottom of a pile" then I am sorry, but your marriage is in crisis

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 28/01/2011 22:15

I'm not going - I was saying Night to Tabliope (who probably does need to lie down in a darkened room )

MrsNellie - would you husband do what the OP's husband has done to her? Have birthday cake at 7am then rush off to work, ignore your request to come home for a special birthday meal, ignore the fact that you're hurt after you've told him you are, refuse to even cut short his "late night", not miss drinks just this once, and not invite you out?

If so, then you have my sympathies.

Tabliope · 28/01/2011 22:16

anyfucker, this isn't her boyfriend it's her husband. They've married and presumably want it to work. That's take compromise. And sometimes it means smoothing over things so I don't think it's that odd to suggest they have a meal tomorrow night. He might actually listen to her more over it than if she nags him so what's so strange in that?

I think everything you've written is OTT so my mind is boggling at you. You've condemned someone on very little information. I give up. You can't reason with someone like you.

mrsnellie · 28/01/2011 22:17

Ha ha, no it's really not. The nature of his job means that sometimes it comes first, that's just the way life is. He always makes up for it at a later date. Bottom of the pile was just the best way to describe how it can make you feel sometimes

Tabliope · 28/01/2011 22:18

mrsnellie, get away now while you can. This conversation is going nowhere. You're too reasonable and measured which is something everyone else left commenting isn't (apart from me of course)

madav · 28/01/2011 22:19

Anyfucker and maisiethemorningside cat, I think I secretly love you..........as you were

StuffingGoldBrass · 28/01/2011 22:20

OP: do you get time to go out with your friends? Or do you spend a lot of time being treated like an unpaid babysitter?
In general I do think that the person whos birthday it is should get to choose how s/he celebrates it, if at all (I don't see why other family members get to plan someone's birthday celebration that fits their own wishes rather than the person whose birthday it actually is), however if only one partner in a relationship is having any kind of social life, then there's a big problem in the relationship.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 28/01/2011 22:21

So, let's get this straight - she should put tonight aside and cook the special meal, or arrange the babysitter so they can go out? She should smooth things over? She shouldn't nag him?

Ye Gods above

PeachesandStrawberry · 28/01/2011 22:21

Anyfucker and Maisie I agree with you. I would be pissed off is DP wanted to spend his birthday away from me and DS.

OP I hope that you get this sorted.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 22:21

And you've let him off the hook on very little information, tab

it works both ways

I will repeat, I have no qualms about putting questions in women's heads about whether they should be putting up with certain behaviours within their relationships

I can't reason with you, either

I am under the impression that you bargain away selfish behaviour too, and have an interest in other women doing exactly that

Tabliope · 28/01/2011 22:24

I think if there was anything else cazza would have dished the dirt - why wouldn't she have? You're extrapolating for no reason. The impression I have of your is that you're argumentative for no reason and dare I say it PARANOID!

pigletmania · 28/01/2011 22:24

I havent read all the posts but it seems to be that people are over analysing this a bit. So he wants to go out for a drink with his collegues on his birthday night, its up to him, its HIS birthday. As you said you have the rest of the weekend to do something special. Now if my dh chose to do that on MY birthday instead of spending the evening with me and dd, i would be mightly pissed off and very put out.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 22:24

tab...you are actually outnumbered on his thread

haven't you noticed that ?

grasping on to the one poster who appears to agree with you, doesn't mean you are in the right

it just means you are in the minority

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 28/01/2011 22:25

Paranoid? What an odd thing to say.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 22:26

cazza is long gone

as usually happens on these threads

mrsnellie · 28/01/2011 22:26

Maisie- no he wouldn't do all of that but he has just run out of the house leaving the dinner I spent an hour cooking to go to work so I suppose that's quite annoying :)

Tabliope · 28/01/2011 22:27

have you not read the past few posts anyfucker? - which actually sound the voice of reason - stuffinggoldbrass, mrsnellie, piglet. There's no minority. And even if there is doesn't mean you're right. It means you're all over analysing and seeing more to a situation than there is and your reactions are to make a mountain out of a molehill.

pigletmania · 28/01/2011 22:28

Thats exactly why I dont reveal a lot about my family life on here, as people will judge quite harshley and over analyize things. My dh his not perfect, like everyone he has his good and bad points, but hes right for me, and makes me happy. Yes he can be a selfish twunt from time to time, and i have no qualms about telling him when he is, but its not reason for divorce.

Tabliope · 28/01/2011 22:29

maisie, yes paranoid. you need to hear yourself. OTT reactions who probably see a slight in the most minor of things, done unintentionally.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 22:31

piglet...who has mentioned dovorce ???

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 22:32

divorce

missmehalia · 28/01/2011 22:33

There are some people on here that would pick a fight with their own shadow. I think the OP's being oversensitive. But I do get it, too. There's always next year, OP. And pick your own celebration for your birthday with care.

Night all!

Tabliope · 28/01/2011 22:33

night missnehalia. I think you've summed it up very well.

jumpingcastles · 28/01/2011 22:34

its his birthday!

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