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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband does not want to spend his birthday evening with me and I feel hurt !

264 replies

cazza40 · 28/01/2011 19:10

My dh spends lots of time at work and has a really demanding job. I really appreciate the fact that for the moment I can be at home with our dds. But today is his birthday and I wanted to make a special meal for him he wanted to go out with work mates and is going to be back late. I'm at home now drinking and feeling a bit sorry for myself AIBU ?

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 29/01/2011 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatdoiknowanyway · 29/01/2011 09:47

Can't believe this thread. My last 2 birthdays I have been to evening meetings for the organisation I volunteer for. We have to get dates suitable for a group of people and a woman in her 40s saying 'can't make it it's my birthday' is just an unnecessary complication.
If it was a child's birthday then possibly different although I still don't understand the number of traumatised people posting about family attending or not attending birthday celebrations of dcs far too young to care.
My family genuinely don't mind - we always have celebratory meals at weekends anyway.

OP if it upset you then talk to your husband about it like an adult. But don't get sidetracked by the doom mongering dramatics in many of the other posts.

BluddyMoFo · 29/01/2011 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lamorna · 29/01/2011 09:51

Birthdays are special, of course I don't go to evening meetings on family birthdays. Sometimes family comes first.

Thistledew · 29/01/2011 09:57

Could you not have got a sitter and gone out with him? YANBU for being hurt that he is not spending his birthday with you, but he is NBU to want to go out on his birthday rather than stay at home.

MrsMooo · 29/01/2011 10:27

I have to agree with Bluddy, if the roles were reversed I think there would have been some very different replies...

YANBU to be upset/hurt that he didn't want to spend his evening with you, it's understandable

That said IMO as it's his birthday, it's the one day a year you're allowed to do things just for you, and maybe he wanted to go out and be selfish and get merry. He can't do after work drinks on a Sat can he?

If it was your birthday I'd be outraged, but if it's his day and he's considerate or your feelings and unselfish the rest of the year I'd let it go

FWIW, DH never wants to do ANYTHING on his birthday. I do find it a bit hurtful that he doesn't want to celibrate it with me/DS, but it's his day to do what he wants

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 29/01/2011 10:43

Bluddy - I saw no mention of it being a 'lads' night. Just people from work, which is a different thing entirely.

Animation · 29/01/2011 11:04

I think it's RUBBISH if your DH doesn't want to spend his Birthday evening with you.

MoaningMedalllist · 29/01/2011 11:10

I'd pull him up on this, not even inviting you with him, birthday or not I'd tell him how rude he'd been.

I'd give him the silent treatment fora few days tbh, if you make brekkie for him iron in the morning etc ..don't really go on strike.

This sounds extreme and maybe it its but he has clearly taken advantage.

Truckulente · 29/01/2011 11:25

Does he have a say in what you do on your birthday?
Would he be able to veto any plans as it would upset him?

melikalikimaka · 29/01/2011 11:27

What's the betting he went to a lap dancing club with his mates? [runs and hides]

liquiditytrap · 29/01/2011 11:30

I really don't think it's fair to upset someone by saying their DH is probably having an affair. That is not clear at all from this situation!! If there was other dodgy behaviour thrown in (and tbh the only concrete one is having phone constantly on person) then that would be different.

And I agree that if the roles were reversed people would be much less quick to condemn the going-outer (although some people would still be all 'birthdays are special' etc.)

melikalikimaka · 29/01/2011 11:32

I think it is insensitive of him, to say the least and I think he owes the OP a big fat apology and a very expensive meal out tonight. Hangover or not.

AnyFucker · 29/01/2011 11:52

Some people just don't read the thread, do they ?

Ths was not "planned lads night out for his birthday, checked out beforehand with his loving wife"

this was a Friday piss-up wih work colleagues, which I presume can occur on any Friday, which he chose over his wife's offer to do something nice together as a family

she had told him she was upset about it

and the children are "not too young to know" it is his b'day...they are 5 and 7

PuppyMonkey · 29/01/2011 12:02

Eh? My DP went out with his mates for his birthday last year rather than stay in. I never gave it a second thought - it's his birthday, up to him how he wants to celebrate surely? Sometimes we've been out for a meal together on his birthday, sometimes to the pictures, sometimes our local. This year he went to town with the "lads". So what?

Truckulente · 29/01/2011 12:03

It's my birthday tonight and I want to go out after work for a drink to celebrate it.

My husband wants me to come home as he's cooking me a meal, and he's been telling me for ages that it upsets him if I go out without him on my birthday. But I want to go out.

Should I go out?
Should I invite him along for a drink?
Should I go home for the meal, I don't want to but my husband is upset that I'm going out?

So what should she do?

PuppyMonkey · 29/01/2011 12:08

I'd think the husband was a control freak. Grin

melikalikimaka · 29/01/2011 12:14

Make him pay, BIG TIME!!!!

spidookly · 29/01/2011 12:26

I don't even think it's relevant that it was a birthday.

I can quite imagine spending ny birthday on a work night out.

What I can't imagine is knowing that my DH was trying to arrange for us to do something special for us to do together and totally blowing him off.

If he'd just said "there are work drinks tonight, I fancy going along, why don't we move my birthday to Saturday?" I doubt we'd be having this conversation.

Trying to make this about people being controlling is a typical mn blind spot.

A wife that feels she doesn't see much of her DH (I imagine many if us can relate to that) thought she'd do something nice for his birthday. Her attempts to organise anything were rebuffed and ignored and then he spent the evening of his birthday out with colleagues, having made sure she knew she wasn't welcome.

That's a bit shit.

When one person in a marriage feels as lonely, ignored and unwanted as the OP did last night that is the time to address problems and figure out why things are going wrong.

fedupofnamechanging · 29/01/2011 12:30

Truckulente I'd say that if he was okay with her going out with her mates at other times, then she should do something with her husband on this occasion as it is wrong to hurt the feelings of the person you are meant to love and value above all others. That something could be a meal at home or going out together.

I'd question why she wanted to be with her mates more than her DH.

fedupofnamechanging · 29/01/2011 12:31

Exactly spidookly

Laquitar · 29/01/2011 12:31

So you have been asking him about the birthday for weeks? Did he say 'no' or seemed not very interested and you kept saying you want to cook a meal for him on his birthday? Why?

It is very nice and thoughtful to cook a meal for someone, if he wants it. If he doesn't and you still insist then it is not 'giving', it is being clingy.

I do understand that you are upset. But would you be happier if he cancelled his plans and stayed in 'out of respect'? Having the meal with someone who doesn't want to?

Do you have friends? Do you go out yourself when he stays in looking after the dcs?

spidookly · 29/01/2011 12:40

If my husband was offering to cook me a special meal I would be ashamed of myself if my reaction was to look bored or say no. I love him. I enjoy his company. I appreciate kind and thoughtful gestures. If the timing was the problem I'd make sure he knew that I'd love to do it another night.

Calling someone clingy because they are upset at being treated coldly by someone who is meant to love them shows the emotional intelligence of a 2 year old.

crisptart · 29/01/2011 12:50

Am I missing something? What the hell's wrong with going out for a few drinks on your birthday?!
If it was the OP's birthday, I'd see the point and I'd be mightily pissed off with him, but it's not!
Since when did getting married and having children mean you're not allowed to go out on your birthday unless it's with your wife and kids? Is it a written law that you're not allowed to have fun with anyone else now?
Cut the poor bloke some slack, from his point of view nothing definite was arranged for the night (they weren't going out anywhere, a meal 'might' have been nice to cook') so when he was invited to a few birthday drinks he'll have said 'ooh go on then!'
Some of these responses are ridiculously OTT!

Laquitar · 29/01/2011 12:51

Spidookly if that was to me i didn't call anyone 'clingy'. Especially not for being upset.
I said 'it is being clingy' if you offer to cook for someone, he says no and you insist to do it.
Please read before you jump at others.

I do agree with your first paragraph thu. My response would be the same as yours. But OP's dh did not respond like this. This is the issue.

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