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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband does not want to spend his birthday evening with me and I feel hurt !

264 replies

cazza40 · 28/01/2011 19:10

My dh spends lots of time at work and has a really demanding job. I really appreciate the fact that for the moment I can be at home with our dds. But today is his birthday and I wanted to make a special meal for him he wanted to go out with work mates and is going to be back late. I'm at home now drinking and feeling a bit sorry for myself AIBU ?

OP posts:
RevoltingPeasant · 28/01/2011 21:49

I think this is really tough.

AnyFucker I would feel as you do. Birthdays are times for family not random people you happen to work with. If I'm going out with my colleagues any family/ DP are invited too.

But.... to some people birthdays just aren't important. Her DH mightn't really have 'heard' her say she was hurt by this.

Although to be fair, you'd think by now he'd know her feelings on b-days....

Confused
Rindercella · 28/01/2011 21:51

Flies tend to be drawn to shit most of all Tabliope, so what exactly is your point?

Tabliope · 28/01/2011 21:52

anyfucker, I agree with what you say above but I'm not looking into things to that extent (what's the point) because we can't presume to know her relationship beyond what she's told us. We don't know what goes on. All we know and have been asked to comment on is this birthday situation and based on that I don't think we can condemn him. You might be right. He might be the most selfish bastard going. But maybe all it is is cazza feeling left out and neglected because of the hours he works and she's stuck at home with the kids and the birthday situation has brought that home to her. Maybe they do need to talk about expectations and what they both want and expect and if he loves her he won't consider leaving her on his birthday again. I don't think he's been out 'celebrating' his birthday without her. I think it was a drink after work, that's it. I don't think her getting a takeaway in tomorrow night is necessarily bargaining anything away either or becoming a Stepford wife - bloody hell, rein it in. If the marriage is fundamentally solid and he treats her with respect then I'd let it go. We don't know the circumstances of how he told her he's going out with work colleagues. only cazza knows whether this is just him being thoughtless or he's checked out of the marriage. Based on what she's told us I don't think we can say he has.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 28/01/2011 21:53

I think it's always a warning sign in a marriage when one or both parties would choose to spend special occasions with friends rather than their partner.

imo, it's a sign that the marriage may need some tlc.

Tabliope · 28/01/2011 21:55

rindercella, my point is where do you think it will get you punishing someone that hasn't necessarily done anything wrong? It'll just ruin their weekend. A calm talk about how upset she was and a meal together will help the marriage more than making him beg to her on bended knee or whatever someone said. It's a storm in a teacup. Jeez, you're all paranoid for looking into this more than it is.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 21:57

tab, I didn't have any problem with your input and was happy to debate with you

until you made your honey vs vinegar comment

then I checked out, and realised your input was invalid as far as I was concerned

spidookly · 28/01/2011 21:58

It means that you can keep a shite man with you if you bend over backwards to ignore what a selfish cunt he is.

Tabliope · 28/01/2011 21:59

none of you heard the saying before? What I mean by it is that by calmly talking things through with an aim to sorting something out cazza will achieve more than by giving him the cold shoulder tomorrow or sulking and whinging about it. Doesn't mean she's selling herself out. It means she's approaching the situation as an adult.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 22:00

my BIL is going on holiday abroad for his 40th with a (newly single) male friend

his wife is not invied

I judge that situation the same way

there is a problem in that marriage, absolutely no question

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 22:00

invited

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 28/01/2011 22:01

That someone was me - and I stand by that. He really, really does not need to be rewared with a special meal or a night out with her (after, presumably, she's then had to arrange a babysitter). By all means talk about what's gone so wrong to the extent, as Hecate says, that he'd rather spend this special occasion with work colleagues, but there is no way I'd be ready to push my hurt to one side so quickly and easily.

He knew she was upset and he did it anyway. That's simply not right.

Tabliope · 28/01/2011 22:01

anyfucker, I'd agree with you on that one. Sounds like he's gay and will spring it on his wife when he comes back.

spidookly · 28/01/2011 22:02

I don't really see how you calmly talk through the fact that your husband doesn't want to spend his birthday with you.

He prefers to go to regular Friday night work drinks (to which he has made clear you are not invited) than spend time with you.

What's to talk about?

"Why is it that you don't like me very much any more?"

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 22:02

he isn't gay, tab

Tabliope · 28/01/2011 22:02

But did she have the right to be hurt. Was it justifiable hurt maisie. Not all of us agree that it was.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 22:02

he is a fuck-around

FreudianSlippery · 28/01/2011 22:03

I agree with AF. As usual.

Tabliope · 28/01/2011 22:04

where they going anyfucker (if you don't mind me asking)? If it's Thailand then maybe he isn't.

FreudianSlippery · 28/01/2011 22:04

Oh well not necessarily that last bit. Bizarre x post there. But yeah, vague alarm bells :(

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 22:04

my BIL that is (being a fuckaround)

I am suspending judgement on the OP's H, but I am not ruling it out either

Tabliope · 28/01/2011 22:05

Some of us think though that a birthday is just another day. It was more important to her but it was HIS birthday so I think that takes precedence. It wasn't like he was out celebrating his birthday without her. He only went out for a drink after work. Anyway this is going round in circles. Night all

Rindercella · 28/01/2011 22:07

cazza's husband is 38 not 3. He shouldn't actually get to choose what he gets to do on his birthday just because it is his birthday It's rather like a bridezilla choosing to do something really spiteful at her wedding just because it is her wedding.

This is an adult who has a wife and children. His DC are old enough to know that daddy hasn't come home - that he didn't think it was important enough to spend the evening with them on his birthday. And his wife now feels that her husband would prefer to spend his birthday with his 'workmates' instead of her. What a shame.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 22:07

tab...you are a little strange in your responses

to the Op of this thread... reward your husband for his selfish behaviour

to my married BIL who is going abroad with a newly-single male friend for his 40th, his wife not invited... you are gay

the mind boggles !

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 28/01/2011 22:09

Night

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 22:10

night, maisie