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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband does not want to spend his birthday evening with me and I feel hurt !

264 replies

cazza40 · 28/01/2011 19:10

My dh spends lots of time at work and has a really demanding job. I really appreciate the fact that for the moment I can be at home with our dds. But today is his birthday and I wanted to make a special meal for him he wanted to go out with work mates and is going to be back late. I'm at home now drinking and feeling a bit sorry for myself AIBU ?

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 28/01/2011 21:03

anyfucker I am suggesting not presuming Wink

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 21:04

val, so am I

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 28/01/2011 21:05

Anyfucker - sometimes there's just not enough concrete around...

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 21:07

enough concrete ?

why ?

to put the selfish fucker under the patio ?

I'm with you on that one...

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 28/01/2011 21:12

"You're his wife/partner after all, not his mum"

No, see, this is what you do to your mum - you go out for birthday drinks with your work mates when you're young and living at home. When you grow up, and become and adult of nearly 40, and you have a wife and kids who have indicated that actually, they would like to see their husband and dad on his birthday beyond a quick bit of cake at 7am in the morning, you say "sorry guys, another time" and you hoof it home, priorities and all, to what's important in your life.

Or what should be important in your life. If beers with your work colleagues comes first, then you've got a lot of growing up to do and a lot of reassessing to do.

Tabliope · 28/01/2011 21:13

I don't think we have enough information to condemn him outright. The worst I read is that he's not that romantic and chose not to bother with a meal with his wife and kids on his birthday because sometimes birthdays don't mean an awful lot to some people. Especially when you're 38! We don't know if he'd already committed to the word drinks when cazza told him she was hurt. Cazza you need to tell us more. Maybe he just didn't want a fuss. I know to some people birthdays are really special but it's not like it's cazza's birthday and he's chosen to not be there. Then I really be condemning him like most of you but unless cazza confirms otherwise the way I read it his birthday isn't that special to him (maybe he think you can celebrate with a special meal tomorrow) and he just hasn't registered that it was important to his wife. Next year cazza if it is that important to you tell him you're cooking a meal for him on his birthday and he needs to be there. I think this was a lack of communication. Cazza hasn't said she told him days ago or even yesterday she had something planned - and by that I mean something definite like a restaurant booked or food bought. He's probably thinking what's the problem with doing it tomorrow.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 28/01/2011 21:16

She told him she was hurt - surely that's more than enough for him to put off the work colleagues, or only stay for one. If he was really dumb enough to think that a late night out drinking on his birthday was OK, that is...

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 21:18

tab...your last post is making me feel that you think this is cazza's fault, for not "communicating properly"

you don't think that, do you ?

because that would be really shit

missmehalia · 28/01/2011 21:21

maisie, what I meant was that maybe OP's possibly taking the attitude that a mum would. Just because someone is married with children doesn't mean they're banned forevermore from going out with their friends - and, yes, even on their birthday. I do think it's mean he didn't invite her. But I also think that maybe these things shouldn't necessarily be the be all and end all in a lifelong partnership. OP, does he do this every year?

Clearly the OP feels this is unreasonable, but maybe this is a new situation for them.

Tabliope · 28/01/2011 21:24

anyfucker, I don't think cazza has given us enough information to decide who is at fault here - if anyone.

The point is it's HIS birthday not her's. How he celebrates it I think should be up to him. If he'd done this to his wife on her birthday then he'd be a selfish fucker but he hasn't. I just don't think celebrating his birthday was that important to him but that doesn't mean he's having an affair or doesn't love his wife or is sticking his two fingers up at his family or that he's a selfish fucker. It's obvious to me that his birthday was more important to cazza than to him. Maybe he didn't want to go out for a meal because he didn't want the fuss. We don't know enough to call him a selfish fucker.

Tabliope · 28/01/2011 21:31

missmehalia, we don't even know he was celebrating his birthday with work colleagues. All we know is he's out for a drink with work so why would his wife be invited to that?

cazza I don't think you've anything to worry about. I'm sorry you're upset but tbh I see this as mismatched expectations - your idea of a birthday was family celebrating together but maybe that wasn't important to him (not because family isn't important to him maybe just because his birthday isn't - maybe it's a reminder of approaching 40, who knows). Maybe he's felt he had his birthday this morning with you and the kids. I wouldn't bring it up again. I'd surprise him tomorrow night with a special meal, a takeaway or an M&S two dine for a tenner or get a babysitter and go out.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 28/01/2011 21:31

Yes, I know what you meant MissMehalia - which is why I posted what I did

The OP called him "fucking selfish". The words are in a different order, but the sentiment's the same....he chose to celebrate his birthday without his wife, knowing she was hurt. Whatever his reasons, he's behaved like an arse.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 21:33

OP called her own H a selfish fucker, how many times do I have to repeat that ?

and she hasn't really been back since, so this could well turn into one of those threads where everyone has an argument about their own stance

while the OP just gets on with it

whatever she is getting on with....sitting at home with the kids wondering what her H is doing

thoughtless husband/selfish fucker/lying twat

I dunno

you don't know

it seems OP is undecided, or is blinded, who knows ?

I have no qualms about putting a small question in any woman's mind when faced with such selfishness

checking out of a marriage in this way is often a sign of things to come...Mumsnet is full of unhappy women who saw these little withdrawals but bargained them away at the risk of looking like a nagging wife

I am a nagging wife, so be it

I would rather make my boundaries very clear than make a tentative post for help from strangers when my husband makes me feel like I am just not very important to him

which is just what OP did

alhough I expect she will bargain it away, she is doing it already

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 28/01/2011 21:34

Surprise him tomorrow?? Shock I'd do nothing of the kind - that would be condoning his utter lack of respect for me. In fact, he'd be on bended knee begging for my forgiveness, not eating a special meal or spending an evening in my company.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 21:37

surprise him tomorrow ?

he knows when his birthday is

it was today

before we know it, that "surprise" being advocated will involve a fantastic blowjob or summat

yes, rewarding selfish behaviour by turning into the MN version of a Stepford wife will solve all OP's concerns

yes indeedy

ffs

Tabliope · 28/01/2011 21:38

since when did going out for a drink with work colleagues on a friday night become checking out of a marriage? As you say who knows the whole situation. Some are taking this badly like its extremely bad behaviour on his part, others like me don't see the problem (believe me I'd be the first to complain if I wasn't happy about something but I'd cut him some slack here). It's not about her and what she wants on HIS birthday. If she's feeling taking for granted anyway and this birthday thing has brought it to light then that's a different kettle of fish and they need to talk it through. Based on what she's told us I don't think he's done anything that bad. Yes, she called him a selfish fucker but she also questioned herself if she was being unfair.

skirt · 28/01/2011 21:38

You poor woman, he sounds like an arse. Is he generally irresponsible, or is he surrounded by singles at work and wants to relive his yf&s days? Either way, he's been a knob tonight and if he comes home wanting a shag, tell him to fuck right off.

Tabliope · 28/01/2011 21:39

you catch more flies with honey than vinegar girls

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 21:39

tab...do you really think that OP would post if this was all there was to it ?

really ?

Tabliope · 28/01/2011 21:40

anyfucker, no idea what you're trying to say

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 21:42

she may not trust her own misgivings, but I do

society these days puts too much pressure on women to be the "cool" girlfiend, the "cool" wife

and that if you dare to stand up for what you want, you are a nag, a shrew, "controlling", boring, a kill-joy

well, fuck that

I afford her the respect to think that she is not happy with this, and she shouldn't bargain it away

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 21:44

you catch more flies with honey than vinegar girls

what does that mean ? Hmm

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 21:47

tab...just come out with it

she should just give him more blow jobs right ?

then he will learn to prefer to come home to his wife, instead of go out with his work colleagues on his birthday

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 28/01/2011 21:48

Was going to ask the same thing - what did you mean by that Tab? Very odd thing to say

mercibucket · 28/01/2011 21:49

oooh mn's gone all southern belle on us