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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My husband does not want to spend his birthday evening with me and I feel hurt !

264 replies

cazza40 · 28/01/2011 19:10

My dh spends lots of time at work and has a really demanding job. I really appreciate the fact that for the moment I can be at home with our dds. But today is his birthday and I wanted to make a special meal for him he wanted to go out with work mates and is going to be back late. I'm at home now drinking and feeling a bit sorry for myself AIBU ?

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 28/01/2011 19:58

Fwiw, I wouldn't say he is definitely having an affair. My DB works away from home a lot, then comes home and he and his fiancee go out separately with friends. I know he isn't looking at other women or cheating, but he is having a better time with his mates than he is with his girl. That doesn't bode well imo.
He is a similar age to your DH and sometimes I think he is very immature, but he has no kids.

I don't think there is room for this when you are married and have DC. Being with you and making you happy should be more important to him than anything else and that's clearly not the case.

wagon · 28/01/2011 20:01

cazza40 I think you should have an honest and frank talk with him.
It's really not cool and you feel hurt so you should listen to that. If someone else was to post this what would be your advice? You sound like a reasonable woman but there is a fine line between being reasonable and being taken for granted.
I don't think YABU. A birthday is a really good time to grow the fuck up and reassess one's priorities. Make him aware of that.

Original poster

cazza40 · 28/01/2011 20:06

Thanks wagon am going to discuss this with him ina couple of days when I have sobered up !

OP posts:

sharon2609 · 28/01/2011 20:07

Sorry to add more worry but this really doesn't sound right.....At best he's selfish at worst......I'd do a bit more digging if it was me.

valiumredhead · 28/01/2011 20:11

I am obviously in the minority here, I see nothing wrong with going out, or indeed wanting to go out with your mates if they have asked and it happens to be your birthday.

cazza was it a case of you presuming he wasn't going out and you were going to cook a meal, but he said sorry he has a work thing? Or was it that he was very definite about not wanting to go out with you? From what you have posted it just sounds like lack of communication.

Original poster

cazza40 · 28/01/2011 20:16

valium I have been asking him about this evening for weeks and he knew I wanted to make a meal for him - however it is a Friday ( typically a work drink night ) and we do have the weekend together which makes me think I might be a bit unfair

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 28/01/2011 20:22

Am I right in thinking you might be feeling a bit unloved generally and this is the straw that broke the camel's back? If you have the weekend together then and all is well YABU but if you aren't feeling so great then this just tipped the balance?

Original poster

cazza40 · 28/01/2011 20:29

Yes I think feelingna bit unloved and taken for granted at home

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 28/01/2011 20:34

Right, makes more sense now :)

That's rotten. Will he be receptive to you telling him/having a chat? It's REALLY hard when partners work shift/long hours/demanding jobs.

SalvadorDalek · 28/01/2011 20:35

Dont feel bad I would not spend my birthday with you also

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 28/01/2011 20:37

Cazza - really, you are not being unfair. Is he insinuating that you're at fault here for not accepting his behaviour?

Tabliope · 28/01/2011 20:42

I think there's a lot of extrapolating going on - that cazza40's DH doesn't want her there, that he'd rather be with his mates etc. Nowhere do I read from cazza that he's 'celebrating' his birthday with work mates. She says he's gone out for a drink after work with work colleagues so unless cazza can confirm it is in celebration of his birthday and that she was explicitly told not to come I really don't see the problem. All of a sudden everyone's alarm bells are ringing! For what? The way I read it based on what cazza has posted is he's gone out for a drink after work - not unusual on a Friday night (wives wouldn't be invited). If it is for a birthday celebration I still don't think she should get an invite unless her DH's wives/partners are also being invited but why would they unless everyone is friendly out of work and knows each other. Anyway, most blokes I know don't tell work colleagues when it's their birthday so is it even certain they are celebrating his birthday?

Cazza. In a man's mind I think he probably thought he'd celebrated his birthday this morning and it was all very nice. As someone else says I think there's just been a lack of communication about you both going out together for a meal or you cooking him one. If you were planning something for him you should have told him days ago. I think all that's happened is it's his birthday. He fancies a drink and that's it. He's not having an affair imo. He's not being selfish either. Did he even know you had something planned? Did you even have something planned or were you waiting for him to come home and then you'd discuss it? He's done nothing wrong as far as I can see.

berri · 28/01/2011 20:44

What Tabliope said

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 20:44

It's REALLY hard when partners work shift/long hours/demanding jobs.

....and then choose to spend even more time socialising with their colleagues on a special occasion, at the expense of their family

this isn't about long working hours

valiumredhead · 28/01/2011 20:50

One of the problems IS long working hours - it says so in the OP.

I think Tabliope sums it up well.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 28/01/2011 20:51

Tabliope - it's not just drinks after work, it's his birthday night and she wanted to make him a special birthday meal. He's decided that rather than foregoing his drinks (ffs, the man's 38), or even cutting the evening short he'd rather stick 2 fingers up at his wife and children and go out on the razz, because what she wants is not as important as what his work colleagues want.

Is it really hard when partners have demanding jobs? Mine does, but he's delighted when he can leave it and get home to us - even more so on birthdays.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 20:55

has his arm been forced up his back to make him go on this particular after-works drinks-fest ?

I presume these are regular work drinks knees-ups ?

so he can go any time

not on his birthday

although tbh, I would be questioning why a 38yo family man with young children was still indulging in all this after-work socialising, tbh

valiumredhead · 28/01/2011 20:56

Or perhaps he just didn't realise what a big deal this meal was to cazza?

Or perhaps as he works so hard he just wanted to kick back and have a few drinks? It's hardly crime of the century

Or perhaps it is a proper works thing that he has to go to or it will look bad at work?

Or perhaps he presumed that as he had done the cake and candles thing this morning that was it?

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 20:56

maisie....I totally agree with you

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 20:58

you are presuming a lot, val

I will presume your husband is a selfish fucker too

valiumredhead · 28/01/2011 21:00

You can presume all you like. My 'selfish fucker' has taken our ds away for the weekend so I can have some mumsnet time some 'me' time

missmehalia · 28/01/2011 21:02

I don't think it's necessarily a sign of anything sinister. I do, however, think it's a shame you weren't invited - I do think that was thoughtless of him.

But try not to be too hurt. You're his wife/partner after all, not his mum.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 21:02

we are both presuming, val

that is my point

AnyFucker · 28/01/2011 21:03

and Op called her husband a "selfish fucker" before I did

she was right, though

missmehalia · 28/01/2011 21:03

And make sure you organise your OWN night out soon. Without him!!

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