Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fucking angry with DH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

170 replies

jinglebelly · 25/01/2011 09:03

DH and I have 3 DC's, DS1 is 2, DS2 is 2 months and DD from my previous relationship is 5. DH and I have been together since she was 18 months, we are now married and she calls him daddy, she has no contact with her biological father who lives abroad.

DD has a strong personality and her and DH used to be at loggerheads often although they get on much better now.

This morning while I was upstairs DH overheard DD tell DS1 she was going to kick him in the head like a football if he didn't give her back her glove puppet. He put her on the naughty matt.

WhenI came down I went through and asked her what had happened, she told me she didn't do anything, DH overheard and shouted she was a 'fucking liar'.

I told him not to say things like that about her, she is 5 years old. He then said 'she makes me so angry sometimes, she is fucking snide' and 'I hate her when she does this'

She could hear his rant and I was furious but didn't say anything else to him, just picked her up and made her breakfast.

He stomped around slamming doors until it was time for him to leave the house, DD was trying to engage him and show him how good she was being but he was really off with her and wouldn't even look or respond to me,

I am furious, especially as he is now is a serious sulk as if it is our fault,

I don't know what to do and want some help to get some perspective on this, please help!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
jinglebelly · 25/01/2011 09:05

Can I just add he is usually and VERY good dad, it is just the way he deals with DD when he is angry, very shouty and intimidating just like his own father.

OP posts:
GandTiceandaslice · 25/01/2011 09:06

He probably wanted you to back him up. No wonder he went on the defensive.
It's nothing to do with the fact he isn't the biological father, that has nothing to do with this story.

MyrrhyBS · 25/01/2011 09:07

He is bang out of order on this Angry. She is 5, like you say! No wonder he is having problems with her, if thats the way he speaks to her! Angry

TheProvincialLady · 25/01/2011 09:07

That is seriously nasty. There is no excuse for swearing like that, no excuse for calling her snide and saying he hates her, no excuse for door slamming etc, and worst of all is the refusal to engage with her afterwards - punishing her by withdrawal of affection basically.

Does he often behave like this and does he generally treat your daughter differently? This kind of behaviour is extremely damaging to her, as I am sure you already know.

belgo · 25/01/2011 09:08

She told her little brother she would kick his head like a football? She is just five years old and she said this? I am really shocked.

You need to deal with her behaviour, and back your dh up when it comes to disciplining her.

But of course he should not have sworn at her like he did, that is totally unacceptable.

FreudianSlippery · 25/01/2011 09:09

That is really horrible. Have Serious Words with him when he's calmed down.

MoonUnitAlpha · 25/01/2011 09:10

His behaviour has completely unacceptable - he shouldn't have sworn like that.

But - if he'd put her on the naughty mat for bad behaviour, why were you getting involved? Do you often intervene when he disciplines her?

Original poster
jinglebelly · 25/01/2011 09:10

She is normally very well behaved and her and DS get on brilliantly

OP posts:
Original poster
jinglebelly · 25/01/2011 09:11

No I don't normally intervene but I was so shocked at what she had said I wanted her to explain why she had said it

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsHasComeBackBrighter · 25/01/2011 09:11

How awful. Shock

He needs to know that it is never appropriate to talk to or about a child in that way. If he can't, it's bye-bye Daddy.

Does he have problems controlling his anger usually? He might need some professional help to come to terms with his anger. This is not a normal way of dealing with a child, and for her sake you can't let it continue.

For now, he must apologise to her and explain that he was angry, and that she mustn't be aggressive or threatening, but that adults make mistakes too. If he isn't grown up enough to apologise, I really don't know what you can do, apart from give him an ultimatum.

Good luck. :)

Original poster
jinglebelly · 25/01/2011 09:13

I don't think he will apologise, he is incredibly stubborn.

OP posts:
MoonUnitAlpha · 25/01/2011 09:14

Could you ask your HV about parenting classes?

LoopyLoopsHasComeBackBrighter · 25/01/2011 09:14

He has to. He swore at a child and told her he hates her.

TheProvincialLady · 25/01/2011 09:15

How can he expect to be taken seriously as a parent when his reaction to bad behaviour is to behave 10 times worse himself? If this is what he is prepared to do when she is 5, unless he gets himself under control it is going to be a lot worse when she is 14.

wonderstuff · 25/01/2011 09:16

I don't know what to suggest, but didn't want this to go unanswered. My dh will get unreasonably angry with dd first thing in the morning - he too has issues from childhood, once he has had a fag and stuff his angry cloud lifts and he is always very apologetic after the event. I find it hard because I want to do the whole united front thing and I don't want to argue with him in front of the dcs, but when he is so in the wrong I have to make that clear. I tend to send him off for a fag, but now dd has taken to telling him to go have a cigret when he tells her off!
He's giving up smoking next week.

jalopy · 25/01/2011 09:16

You need to back him up.

Having said that, the language he used was unacceptable.

You both need to be consistent and in agreement when discipling your daughter.

Your daughter needs to see that you are a team.

belgo · 25/01/2011 09:17

Don't demand that he apologises straight away, that will only make him more stubborn.

Let him calm down, and then ask him how he thinks you and he could have both handled the situation better.

Original poster
jinglebelly · 25/01/2011 09:20

I do want to show a united front but not when he is being such an arsehole, I find it totally unacceptable for him to shout and swear like that in front of the children

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsHasComeBackBrighter · 25/01/2011 09:21

So, he has gone to work, she has gone to school, and the situation wasn't resolved at all?

As for not demanding that he apologise straight away, please remember that she is the 5 year old, not him.

If this were my family I would take DH aside (out of earshot of all children) and insist he apologise and talk to DD immediately. I wouldn't have them going their separate ways with her feeling unloved and his anger getting validated.

Having said that, I think in future you should wait until after the naughty mat experience before getting involved.

Original poster
jinglebelly · 25/01/2011 09:21

We used to row about it all the time but luckily it rarely happens now as her behaviour is much better than when she was 3/4 years old

OP posts:
dessen · 25/01/2011 09:22

When comes home this evening then he should give her a cuddle and be really nice with her. Not mention the swearing - ask her about school, lots of praise, say what a super big sister she is.

It's hard work with little ones - could your dh & 5yr old have a day out together to have a great time withoutb all the stress of little ones needing attention.

Original poster
jinglebelly · 25/01/2011 09:23

They have made up, he took her to school on his way to work, it is just me he has the problem with now!

OP posts:
wonderstuff · 25/01/2011 09:24

I would want to as calmly as pos. discuss with dh, explain how his behaviour was not ok. I would want him to accept that and for you to agree a way forward. Then for you to talk with dd - him to apologise for losing his rag, them to kiss and make up.

LoopyLoopsHasComeBackBrighter · 25/01/2011 09:26

Oh OK. How did they make up then?

I agree with wonderstuff, you need to talk to him calmly about your approach to parenting.

bringontheweekend · 25/01/2011 09:31

Sorry to hear of your situation.

His language is appauling especially when directed at a 5 year old. Does he not think about the damage it could do?