To be so fucking angry with DH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jinglebelly]

DH and I have 3 DC's, DS1 is 2, DS2 is 2 months and DD from my previous relationship is 5. DH and I have been together since she was 18 months, we are now married and she calls him daddy, she has no contact with her biological father who lives abroad.

DD has a strong personality and her and DH used to be at loggerheads often although they get on much better now.

This morning while I was upstairs DH overheard DD tell DS1 she was going to kick him in the head like a football if he didn't give her back her glove puppet. He put her on the naughty matt.

WhenI came down I went through and asked her what had happened, she told me she didn't do anything, DH overheard and shouted she was a 'fucking liar'.

I told him not to say things like that about her, she is 5 years old. He then said 'she makes me so angry sometimes, she is fucking snide' and 'I hate her when she does this'

She could hear his rant and I was furious but didn't say anything else to him, just picked her up and made her breakfast.

He stomped around slamming doors until it was time for him to leave the house, DD was trying to engage him and show him how good she was being but he was really off with her and wouldn't even look or respond to me,

I am furious, especially as he is now is a serious sulk as if it is our fault,

I don't know what to do and want some help to get some perspective on this, please help!!!

I wonder where she's learning that language from...?

Mne, if he'd already hit our child me standing up shouting at him as I am sure I would feel like doing would solve nothing. I would demand a conversation outside of our child?s view. We can then discuss it at lengths. I am not perfect I have not met the perfect parent as yet. I?m sure they think they exist though.

the language can be from any where, just walking down the street, School, family, friends.

Op has already stated that the last time her DH swore was well over a year ago and she cannot even remeber when he did it.

The language is not the issue, you can explain to the child about bad language and not to use it.

Her behaviours a lot better now - yet at 5 she's threatening to kick her much younger siblings head like a football - how distressing for your DH - to hear his step-daughter threatening to do such a potentially catastrophic thing to his baby sons head. No wonder he lost it. I think the main problem is your DDs behaviour and your over protectiveness inflaming your DHs - original controlled reaction.

He was wrong to say those things though and you should speak to him honestly about his feelings and how you can break this cycle of resentment - I live in such a situation and it can get beyond repair - the child is naughty - the step-parent disciplines - the natural parent defends making the step parent feel resentful and the child free to be even more naughty and on and on and bloody on !

TitusOates - you have hit the nail on the head and put it better than I could. Im glad you could see your own faults.

Thanks for typing my quote in bold clevercloggs. Oh and omitting parts of it to take it out of context. I'm saying that its only happened twice, but it does happen. It is wrong and I'm embarraessed by it did but it doesn't automatically make an abusive situation.

My friends DD who I stated regualary says worse, shouts things such as 'I wish you'd die you big fat pig'. She has got that from somewhere and I can assure you its not from her home. Children from Primary schools often hear more unappropriate things as they have tweens as their peers. My DS goes to Infants but I'm sure when he starts juniors he will hear things I don't want him repeating. He will need to learn this though, time out may be one way.

I don't condone the way the OPs DH spoke, but, she undermined him which was wrong. And 2 wrongs don't make a right.

MrSpoc - obviously we see this differently. I do not see that calling a child a "fucking liar" is dealing with her behaviour effectively.

And if OPs partner has an issue with OP undermining him he should sit down with her away from the children and raise it with her in a calm and productive manner or ie as an adult.

He should not be taking his frustration out on a defenceless 5 year old. That is appalling behaviour. DH is angry that DD talked to DS in an aggressive manner but obviously has no insight into how aggressive he is being towards her, gee I wonder where she is learning said behaviour from???

You should not have asked your DD what had happened, you should have asked your DH and then spoken to her together. You did undermine his "authority" and your DD (by your own admission a strong personality) has seen the opportunity to get out of it and get you on her side, against DH.

Yes, I do believe a 5 year old is capable of attempting to manipulate the adults around her as I have one of my own.

It doesn't excuse your DHs reaction but he didn't screech "you fucking liar" at the child like some posters seem to suggest, he shouted it about her and was overheard (a minor point but there is a clear difference. Neither is great but the former would be very aggressive.) You then sided with your DD and at that point she had won and your DHs authority and chances of disciplining her successfully in the future diminished further. Now you were angry at your DH and not her and she'd got away with what she said to her baby brother.

When you picked her up and made her breakfast, had she finished her prescribed time on the mat? I send DD to sit on the bottom stair to think until she is ready to apologise to whoever she needs to (although not longer than 5 minutes at a time).

No, your DH was not right to swear about the child and what he said was undeniably bad but I do think his anger in part was fuelled by being undermined by you when he disciplined your DD.

Personally I think you should let it go and discuss how you can move forward. Agree a united front on how to discipline the children, agree not to undermine the other parent in front of the children and agree what is not acceptable to say and do.

MrSpoc,

i don't know why you keep talking about OP treating her dd differently. Ok i think she said she might do.

But you know, this could be an unconsious response to him treating dd differently.

I would also be interested to know what happened with the toy. Did ds took it from dd? Did dh help? It is easy for all of us to say that the 5 years old shouldn't have lied etc but maybe she is a frastrating little girl.

And yes, we all lose it sometimes and i have yelled at my dcs but this man's words are not just 'being angry for a minute' To me it sounds as if he doesn't like dd very much. Then dd picks up on it. And OP picks up on it too and becomes protective. Which is natural.

Yes, Soupdragon, shouting "fucking liar" about DD makes it different to yelling it at her directly

Still pretty aggressive thing to say about or to a 5 year old in my book...

And I dread to think what the response would be if DD ever said this either to or about DH or DS...

Laquitar - it is cear from the Op's own post that she treats her daughter diffirently. I was in the same situation and it is very frustrating. I could be way off the mark but, i bet the Op is treating her daughter differently because she is trying to make up to her daughter that her "REAL" dad is not about.

I do not see how the husband hates his daughter "you are way off the mark with this" but he is more frustrated that Op is consistanlty undermining him.

And this is the first time he has swore in well over a year so is not a regular occurance.

Just remeber that her DH had already sorted the situation out in a very civilised manner.

Undermining a bully like this is a good thing. He is obviously too immature to understand that his behaviour is unacceptable, so the OP has to keep not accepting it and making sure the DC know that it is not acceptable for Daddy to shout and swear any more than it is for them to do so.
IF this man won't back down and continues to bang doors and sulk and shout then the OP needs to seriously consider whether she wants to keep him in the household or not.

Yes, Bootymum, it is different. Very different. Shouting directly at a child is far more aggressive. You will note that I didn't say either was fine, or did you not bother to read the whole post?

Oh I'm so glad for the replies since my first one. I didn't read them until I replied to clevercloggs above.

What amazes me in the number of threads on here from parents (mainly mums) who have lost it yelled, sometimes sworn at their dcs and feel guilty. Usually everyone says hey we all do that, your dc won't be scarred forever/ apologise and move on etc. YET, when its the man he abusive, controlling etc. Even the OP has said its not the case just this situation has been handled badly.
She wants him to apologise and is asking advice on what to do.

And yes I do think theres an unconcoius protectiveness we fell for our children. By that I mean the dd is the ops.
FWIW My ex-p 'dad' was his dad and they lived together from when he was 18 months. He got away with far more than his DB and DS. And his Dad never told him off, well he did but it usually eneded up in a row with his mum. Pobably why at 24 he still thought the world owed him a favour.

op I do think its is important your DH apologises. He can say why he was cross but that the things he said were wrong. And next time I would ask your DH whats happened.

MrSpoc you might project.

'because she is trying to make up to her dd that her 'real' dad is not about'. Hmm. Or it could be the mother's instict to protect her dcs. But none of us know for sure as we don't know what exactly happened.
Even OP doesn't know, she wasn't in the room. In OP's shoes i would also try to find out what happened before dd said that to ds.

Oh and i never said 'he hates his dd'.

Laquitar - if an 18m old toddler took a toy off a 5 year old then how does that justify a 5 year old saying what she said?

Also would you ask your child what they had done or would you ask the father or who ever had disciplined your child first?

MrSpoc - when I say treat differently I don't mean day to day, just that when DH disciplines her I feel he is harder on her than on DS1 because she isn't his, which makes me feel I need to protect her.

When I went to ask her what she had done it wasn't because I meant to undermine DH, I wanted to tell her off, I was shocked she had said such a horrible thing to him.

Can I just add that DD has never attacked DS1, they squabble but in general get on very well, I'm not sure she understood the gravity of what she said and she certainly wouldn't have actually kicked him in the head

"I wonder where she is learning said behaviour from???"

Obviously from school BootyMum, as the OP has already said DH is a great father, not some abusing controlling monster as you and others are clearly implying.

She shocked him with the football thing, she was being insolent and lying to her mum. She was shouted at.

That there were swear words involved just emphasized the level of trouble she was in. At no point was she bullied or abused or 'defenceless'.

She now hopefully sees a very clear behavioural boundary that she wont try and cross again, or if she does she knows the consequences.

Meanwhile OP and her DH can talk about working together to bring DD in line without it escalating into a mummy vs daddy war. The kicking head like a football thing needs attention.

It depends. If the father was immature then yes perhaps i would ask the child.

jinglebelly does your husband actually treat them different? If so how is it different.

I am only asking because I was in the same position and would treat the two children the same. give them 3 warnings then naughty corner. yet my ex always felt that I was more harsh on her DS and no matter what I did it was wrong.

This led to her son doing anything he wanted.

It makes no difference what the DD did or said.

(FWIW a 5 year old telling a 3 year old they'd kick them in the head is pretty normal 'threatening' at that age, horrible to hear but means very little.)

It makes no difference whether the OP asked their DD what happened.

(Most of us would, not to undermine, just to know what's happening.)

It makes no difference if the OP is over protective of 'her' DD or not.

(It's not helpful and needs addressing - but in this situation is irrelevant.)

It makes no difference if DD was lying or not.

(Most 5 year olds will to get out of trouble!)

ALL that matters here is that her DAD called her a Fucking Liar and said said 'she makes me so angry sometimes, she is fucking snide' and 'I hate her when she does this

He said she is a fucking liar and he hates her

I don't care what she did, what she said there is NO EXCUSE.

It's one thing to lose your temper and swear and I don't see that as a big deal, I would't do it with a 5 year old - but if he'd lost his temper and said 'Would you stop fucking lying' I wouldn't have agreed with him, but I wouldn't think it that bad. But calling her a LIAR and saying he HATES HER is bordering on unforgiveable and if he didn't come home and apologise to her for saying those things and explain he didn't mean them (he can still say about not lying etc) then we would be having a feal breaker conversation.

I would NOT have any of my children spoken to like that by anyone, least of all their Dad.

Laquitar i dont understand your response "If the father was immature then yes perhaps i would ask the child"

How was the father in this situation being immature? he disciplined the child by putting her in the naught corner. I think this was the right thing to do here. Op then asked the child what she did instead of asking her DH.

What would you of done in this exact situation?

Ok, Soupdragon, we will have to agree to disagree here I think. Although I think we are both saying that yelling something nasty at a child or about a child is not okay...?

And I did read your entire post, thanks.

MrSpoc, OP has answered this. She said that she asked dd in order to tell her off.