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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fucking angry with DH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

170 replies

jinglebelly · 25/01/2011 09:03

DH and I have 3 DC's, DS1 is 2, DS2 is 2 months and DD from my previous relationship is 5. DH and I have been together since she was 18 months, we are now married and she calls him daddy, she has no contact with her biological father who lives abroad.

DD has a strong personality and her and DH used to be at loggerheads often although they get on much better now.

This morning while I was upstairs DH overheard DD tell DS1 she was going to kick him in the head like a football if he didn't give her back her glove puppet. He put her on the naughty matt.

WhenI came down I went through and asked her what had happened, she told me she didn't do anything, DH overheard and shouted she was a 'fucking liar'.

I told him not to say things like that about her, she is 5 years old. He then said 'she makes me so angry sometimes, she is fucking snide' and 'I hate her when she does this'

She could hear his rant and I was furious but didn't say anything else to him, just picked her up and made her breakfast.

He stomped around slamming doors until it was time for him to leave the house, DD was trying to engage him and show him how good she was being but he was really off with her and wouldn't even look or respond to me,

I am furious, especially as he is now is a serious sulk as if it is our fault,

I don't know what to do and want some help to get some perspective on this, please help!!!

OP posts:
mutznutz · 25/01/2011 09:38

I'm struggling to see how a Father can be at 'loggerheads' with his 5yr old? That to me sounds as though your daughter doesn't see him as a particularly authorative figure...or that he perhaps doesn't parent her strongly enough.

Does he normally have your backing when he tries to discipline her or asks her to do something?

clevercloggs · 25/01/2011 09:38

so will he be punishing her when she and the other kids come out with foul language, calling him all kinds - because that's what she is learning is acceptable

i have never allowed any swearing in my house, still dont, never will

BuzzLightBeer · 25/01/2011 09:39

She needs to back him up when he shouts fucking liar at a 5 year old?
Get a fucking grip, she needs to back up the kid, not the asswipe husband.

mutznutz · 25/01/2011 09:42

Try reading my last post properly Buzz..I don't remember adding 'when he swears at the child' Hmm

BuzzLightBeer · 25/01/2011 09:45

try reading all the other posts saying she should back him up, and don't assume someone is talking to you and only you. Hmm

mutznutz · 25/01/2011 09:47

I still don't see anyone saying she should back him up when he shouts fucking liar at the child?

belgo · 25/01/2011 09:49

No-one is suggesting that she backs him up after he swears at the child. No-one is suggesting that swearing at a child is acceptable at all.

Parents do need to show a united front when it comes to discipline, or this will lead to one parent becoming very angry and frustrated. I don't know if this is the case with Op and he dh, possible it isn't.

BuzzLightBeer · 25/01/2011 09:50

try reading the thread then, its right there.

mutznutz · 25/01/2011 09:51

Exactly belgo!

LoopyLoopsHasComeBackBrighter · 25/01/2011 09:52

Anyhow...

It still sounds like a deeper issue to me, I really think you should look into anger management for him.

elphabadefiesgravity · 25/01/2011 09:53

There is no excuse for talking to a 5 year old like that. She will learn that agression and swearing is the way to deal with situations, in fact it sounds as if she may be learning that already if she is threatening to kick her brother's head in or whatver it was.

I'm not a big fan of "naughty steps etc" myself. Time out, yes, removal from a situation, yes but labelling a child naughty is going to make them feel and act naughty.

He should also never say I hate her, I hate her behaviour yes, but children take things to heart.

bringontheweekend · 25/01/2011 09:53

Parenting isnt easy is it! Confused

belgo · 25/01/2011 09:54

elpha:
'There is no excuse for talking to a 5 year old like that. She will learn that aggression and swearing is the way to deal with situations, in fact it sounds as if she may be learning that already if she is threatening to kick her brother's head in or whatver it was.'

I totally agree with that.

bringontheweekend · 25/01/2011 09:56

I really think he should sit down and explain to the child that it was her behaviour he hates and not her and also apologise to her for the swearing and that its not acceptable for an adult to behave the way he did but sometimes us adults dont all behave the way we should!

elphabadefiesgravity · 25/01/2011 09:56

I know its hard, I have a wilful 6 year old boy myself and have lost it with him in the past, but even at my most angry I insist I hate your behaviour, not you.

Mumcentreplus · 25/01/2011 09:56

Nope it really isn't...

Laquitar · 25/01/2011 10:01

I am wondering if your dd was horrible to her brother because she picks up something from your dh.

Is he calmer with the other dcs? Does he discipline fairly? There is nothing worse for a child than a non fair treatment/punishment, it creates anger.

I would not back him up if he treats them differently.

ccpccp · 25/01/2011 10:07

She LIED to her mother about her Dad, thinking he couldnt hear, but he did.

Too right he was furious. Hes furious at you too as you seem to be taking her side on things rather than punishing her for lying to you.

WRT the swearing - she'll have probably heard worse at school.

Hopefully this will teach her a valuable lesson on how lying is never tolerated, and not to try and play mummy and daddy off against oneanother (or at least - not to be caught trying to do it - she sounds a little bit manipulative!).

Could be that the lesson learned is that if you can get Dad to shout, you can get mum to let you off anything. Hopefully not though,

BuzzLightBeer · 25/01/2011 10:12

She is 5. At 5 you don't always act perfectly. He presumably is closer to 35. Hmm

I don't know what shitty school your kids go to, mine certainly don't get called fucking liars at theirs.

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 25/01/2011 10:13

YANBU - he has displayed some very poor parenting and let his temper rule him. Swearing at a young child like that isn't on ESPECIALLY when the same child is being punished for "bad" behaviour. DH is setting a very poor example to all the kids.

as an aside - do you usually talk to your kids when they are in time out/naughty step? We tend to ignore DD while she is there & talk afterwards. Is it possible DH was also reacting to you talking to DD - not to defend him, but if you knew she was on naughty step, perhaps it would have been better for your to talk to DH quietly about what went on, rather that engage DD when she is ment to be contemplating why she's in time out? Either way, talking like that to/around/about children is really bad form. He needs to really work on his stress/anger issues.

expatinscotland · 25/01/2011 10:15

She's five, ccp. As for hearing worse at school, do you kids go to Ghetto Academy?

But hey, I'd expect nothing less from a post of yours, tbh.

StuffingGoldBrass · 25/01/2011 10:18

Well, she's almost certianly picked up the language she used to her brother from this man. So the first thing that needs to be addressed is for him to stop swearing at the children or threatening violence (even playfully).
ANd I don't agree at all with backing up the other parent when s/he is bullying the DC. SOme men need it repeatedly pointed out to them that they are not the boss of the household.

clevercloggs · 25/01/2011 10:19

lol at hearing worse at school

elphabadefiesgravity · 25/01/2011 10:19

But 5 year olds do lie if they think it will get them out of trouble. They have to be told that is wrong, and punished but there is still no excuse to shout and swear at a 5 year old who by the sound of it was only reacting in the only way she knows how to an older brother not giving her toy back.

And no, I would seriously hope a 5 year old would not hear worse swearing at school.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 25/01/2011 10:21

Children are very literal. She said she hadnt done anything, technically she was right. She only threatened to do something. So when she shouted that she saw herself as telling the thruth.

Does that make sense?