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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so fucking angry with DH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

170 replies

jinglebelly · 25/01/2011 09:03

DH and I have 3 DC's, DS1 is 2, DS2 is 2 months and DD from my previous relationship is 5. DH and I have been together since she was 18 months, we are now married and she calls him daddy, she has no contact with her biological father who lives abroad.

DD has a strong personality and her and DH used to be at loggerheads often although they get on much better now.

This morning while I was upstairs DH overheard DD tell DS1 she was going to kick him in the head like a football if he didn't give her back her glove puppet. He put her on the naughty matt.

WhenI came down I went through and asked her what had happened, she told me she didn't do anything, DH overheard and shouted she was a 'fucking liar'.

I told him not to say things like that about her, she is 5 years old. He then said 'she makes me so angry sometimes, she is fucking snide' and 'I hate her when she does this'

She could hear his rant and I was furious but didn't say anything else to him, just picked her up and made her breakfast.

He stomped around slamming doors until it was time for him to leave the house, DD was trying to engage him and show him how good she was being but he was really off with her and wouldn't even look or respond to me,

I am furious, especially as he is now is a serious sulk as if it is our fault,

I don't know what to do and want some help to get some perspective on this, please help!!!

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 25/01/2011 13:32

then they Op should of said "why did you say that" instead of saying "what did you do" saying what she did just gives the child room to wriggle.

Original poster
jinglebelly · 25/01/2011 13:34

Sorry my mistake - he didn't say he hates her when she does this, he said I hate it when she does this and by that he meant played us off against each other

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 25/01/2011 13:36

so he said he hates "IT" this I would say is not a bad re-action to the situation. Do you feel that you support him enought when it comes to your daughter?

mumbar · 25/01/2011 13:36

I have said I hate it when DS has done something did the ops DH mean that maybe? Havoing seen Chippings bold! and rereading perhaps ops DH is asking for help as he doesn't know how to deal with the situation?

BootyMum · 25/01/2011 13:36

CCPCCP, if someone yelled at me or about me that I was a fucking liar and snide and that they hated me, I would feel pretty attacked, bullied and abused. However as an adult I would tell the person where to get off and to stay away from me.

The child in this scenario is defenceless because presumably she is not allowed to tell DH where to get off. So really Mum needs to do this for her. It is not acceptable that child is being spoken about like this!!!

And Mumbar, I do not think this type of language is acceptable from either a man or woman. It is not a case of this is bad behaviour because it was a man doing it but would be understandable from a mother. I would not tolerate this type of language from my DH and neither would I feel justified in speaking to or about our children like this.

mumbar · 25/01/2011 13:36

Oh sorry x posts. (but I was right Wink!)

mumbar · 25/01/2011 13:39

I agree booty its not acceptable. I'm just trying to distinguish that although unacceptable people make mistakes. What we learn from these is more important. But it happening in isolation is not abuse.

Original poster
jinglebelly · 25/01/2011 13:42

I have spoken to DH briefly, he has explained that he has caught her out on a few occasions saying snide things to DS1 like 'you're stupid' and other bullying type things (I was like this with my younger brother & DH's older sister was like this with him too).

It is not all the time but when it happens it makes DH really angry and today when he heard her say she was going to kick his head like a football he just saw red. He didn't scream or shout at her just put her on the naughty matt and when I came down and asked what had happened and she lied that was the final straw for him.

That is basically what he said.

OP posts:
Original poster
jinglebelly · 25/01/2011 13:43

And of course he knows that he was wrong to call her a fucking liar

OP posts:
mumbar · 25/01/2011 13:44

OP, perhaps something you could take from this is. Your DH had disaplined your DD (rightly) for something she said impulsively that was/is unacceptable. Perhaps in future ask DH about it when DD is out of ear shot, or trust that he put her on the mat for a good and valid reason. I personally do not agree that if DH told off your DD you should then be telling her off for the same thing. 1 'crime' = 1 'telling off' iyswim? I certainly don't think you should be asking a child what they did and then re tell them off. It can lead them into a false sense of security.

MrSpoc · 25/01/2011 13:45

Jinglebelly - do you feel that you support him enough with your daughter?

Also how does he treat her differently to your other two children?

PrettyCandles · 25/01/2011 13:48

Jinglebelly, I think that the way forward is not to hash over what has happened, but to decide together how you want to parent, and to learn the new skills together.

It's all very well to agree that you don't want ti shout, swear, or browbeat your dc, but if you don't know alternative ways of behaving - you're stuck!

Being angry at your dh for his behaviour is entirely natural, but it is unproductive. Will just get his back up and make him feel he has to justify himself.

He needs to learn new strategies. And you can learn them with him. This also presents a united front.

BootyMum · 25/01/2011 13:49

Yes, I see what you are saying Mumbar... But I just hope that OP's DH is open to looking at this situation with her later on when he's cooled down and perhaps together they can think about how they can tackle situations like this as a caring, thoughtful and strong parental team.

Perhaps as other posters have wondered DH does feel undermined in his parental role but then he really needs to discuss this with his partner and not take out his frustrations on his 5 year old stepdaughter.

It does sound to me as if DH is harbouring some resentment towards DD and this really needs to be nipped in the bud. If OP and DH cannot resolve this through honest and open discussion together [away from the children] I feel they should look to some professional support, ie family therapy or parenting support counselling. I think it really is this serious [if they cannot talk it through themselves and reach a workable consensus] and when the frustration and resentment builds up on all sides it could turn into something quite nasty and potentially very emotionally damaging.

ccpccp · 25/01/2011 13:50

OP - well now you know.

Well done to your DH who on having calmed down has apologised and knows he was wrong to shout. All parents loose it sometimes.

spidookly · 25/01/2011 13:54

"She told her little brother she would kick his head like a football? She is just five years old and she said this? I am really shocked."

You're shocked that a child said a totally stupid thing to another child that was pissing her off?

My 2 year old said that about her baby sister once.

I don't really see what's so shocking.

"Don't kick your brother in the head" (said to stop child accidentally kicking smaller child during horseplay)

(child thinks of things they normally kick - oooh, a football) - "I'm going to kick your head like a football"

Hardly shocking unless you are really looking for reasons to be shocked.

Original poster
jinglebelly · 25/01/2011 13:54

MrSpoc - I think I do, we rowed about it a lot in the past and nowadays we are a much more united front, it was the shouting & swearing that I found unacceptable on this occasion.

He tells her off more than DS1 but DS1 is very very laid back and very rarely needs telling off whereas DD has always been very feisty and quite often needs telling off.

In all fairness I think he would treat her the same if she was his biologically but I think in our kind of set up there will always be that element of doubt - on both sides

OP posts:
BootyMum · 25/01/2011 13:54

Just out of interest Op, is DH by any chance a younger child himself?

I am wondering whether he is strongly identifying with the perceived experience of the younger child [DS] being bullied by an elder one [DD]? And his calling DD a "fucking liar" sounded a little like the response of a frustrated sibling rather than a mature father...

mumbar · 25/01/2011 13:55

Thank goodness booty - was getting a bit worried people were going to start imagining me behind closed doors, shouting profanities at DS etc.

I agree with what else you said too. I do wonder whether the OP trusts her DH to 'punish' DD appropriatly, would this have occured if it had been one of the DS's?. (obv when they're older)

OP I have learned from MN step parenting is hard. Perhaps talk this through on that board? Maybe others who have been there can offer some words of wisdom?

feeimcgee · 25/01/2011 13:58

Sounds like things just got on top of him and he exploded, we all do it sometimes. But I hate it when DH loses it and shouts, he's scary when he does it. I think that if he was more consistently firm with the kids, then he wouldn't lose it so dramatically every once in a while.

mumbar · 25/01/2011 13:58

oh this thread is moving fast - can't keep up.

MrSpoc · 25/01/2011 14:01

Jinglebelly

MrSpoc - I think I do, we rowed about it a lot in the past and nowadays we are a much more united front, it was the shouting & swearing that I found unacceptable on this occasion.

You do realise that you undermined him at the beggining by asking your daughter what did she do instead of asking your DH

He tells her off more than DS1 but DS1 is very very laid back and very rarely needs telling off whereas DD has always been very feisty and quite often needs telling off.

Why would he tell his son off if he is not naughty? it doesnt sound like he is treating her any diffirently here

In all fairness I think he would treat her the same if she was his biologically but I think in our kind of set up there will always be that element of doubt - on both sides

this bit really comes across that you have the issue here and not your DH or DD. Maybe you are putting these barriers up but are not meaning too. I dont want to sound harsh, i am only trying to help.

Original poster
jinglebelly · 25/01/2011 14:04

BootyMum - yes, he has an older sister who was pretty mean to him sometimes.

Dh is 28 (I'm 29), not sure if this makes any difference but I know the dads who are older than him seem a bit more docile in the prescence of misbehaving children

OP posts:
spidookly · 25/01/2011 14:06

jingle - what would your response have been if he hadn't shouted that she was a "fucking liar"?

In our house if either DH or I came upon a situation like you describe (we don't do naughty step and eldest younger than yours) we would probably first ask DD what had happened.

Not to give her a chance to tell lies, but to give her a chance to explain herself, and own up to whatever she's done.

So the next line would have been "Is that right Daddy, is that what happened?"

I think the thing I would want to know now is why he felt undermined by what happened. Does he agree with people that think that offering a child the chance to speak first is offering the opportunity to lie? Does he presume that if she lies to you that you'll believe her?

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 25/01/2011 14:08

I can't see where it says he apologised?

She isn't being snide she's being 5.

Nothing that happened this morning justifies his hugely disproportionate response to a small child. Nothing. He needs to know this.

This also worries me

We used to row about it all the time but luckily it rarely happens now as her behaviour is much better than when she was 3/4 years old

It worries me because things are only OK while DD is being 'good' and that's not right. He needs to be able to control his temper and your relationship needs to be strong when things aren't great not just when they are?!

QuickLookBusy · 25/01/2011 14:09

At least he has admitted he was in the wrong.

He shouldn't have sworn like he did and he should apologise to your DD.

However your DD should also be made to apologise to her brother for saying "I am going to kick you in the head"

I am amazed at the number of posters who have said this is a normal thing to say to a sibling. My DC have never have said anything like that.

OP in future, I wouldn't speak to DD until after she has finished on the naughty mat.