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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so fucking angry with DH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

170 replies

jinglebelly · 25/01/2011 09:03

DH and I have 3 DC's, DS1 is 2, DS2 is 2 months and DD from my previous relationship is 5. DH and I have been together since she was 18 months, we are now married and she calls him daddy, she has no contact with her biological father who lives abroad.

DD has a strong personality and her and DH used to be at loggerheads often although they get on much better now.

This morning while I was upstairs DH overheard DD tell DS1 she was going to kick him in the head like a football if he didn't give her back her glove puppet. He put her on the naughty matt.

WhenI came down I went through and asked her what had happened, she told me she didn't do anything, DH overheard and shouted she was a 'fucking liar'.

I told him not to say things like that about her, she is 5 years old. He then said 'she makes me so angry sometimes, she is fucking snide' and 'I hate her when she does this'

She could hear his rant and I was furious but didn't say anything else to him, just picked her up and made her breakfast.

He stomped around slamming doors until it was time for him to leave the house, DD was trying to engage him and show him how good she was being but he was really off with her and wouldn't even look or respond to me,

I am furious, especially as he is now is a serious sulk as if it is our fault,

I don't know what to do and want some help to get some perspective on this, please help!!!

OP posts:
Laquitar · 25/01/2011 10:26

Yes, i was thinking the same Amazing. Especially when the child is used to hear swearing and threads. And the parent just suddenly loses it and puts her on the step. Perhaps she was genuinely confused.

Original poster
jinglebelly · 25/01/2011 10:33

He doesn't swear at DD often, I can't remember the last time it happened before today, probably over a year ago and it was more at me about her - not that I am excusing what happened today at all.

I am struggling to work out how to resolve what happened today, if he arrives home and is still not speaking to me I don't want to risk another row by asking him to apologise.

I think he knows he's in the wrong and that is why he is being so defensive/angry. His parents are both sweary and volatile, he is very different to them in every way but when he is angry the sweary aggressive side can shine through.

I sincerely hope DD wouldn't hear language like that at school, I'm sure she doesn't.

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsHasComeBackBrighter · 25/01/2011 10:41

ccpccp I can't believe that you actually think like that. Every one of your posts seems to be purposefully controversial. Hmm

As for 5 year olds hearing that kind of language in school, I'm hoping that you are entirely wrong.

OP, risk a row between you and DH or risk his bullying effecting your daughter in the long term. To me, it's an easy decision.

Original poster
jinglebelly · 25/01/2011 10:44

LoopyLoopsHasComeBackBrighter - what I mean is we will have a row and nothing will be resolved. It will be counter productive, make him dig his heels in and be even less likely to apologise. It will also create a horrible atmosphere in the house which I really don't want

OP posts:
Original poster
jinglebelly · 25/01/2011 10:47

ccpccp - if you are being purposefully controversial you should hope someone doesn't one day take your advice and really mess up a situation, these are peoples lives.

OP posts:
RCToday · 25/01/2011 10:50

Who could possibly say that about a 5 yr old when they can hear?

It doesnt matter what she did or didnt do anymore

He has gone way too far

I would be questioning my whole relationship with this man

Tosser Angry

ccpccp · 25/01/2011 10:52

Definately heard worse at school. Its also likely where she got the rather unusual 'kick head like a football' thing.

You need to back your DH up OP. Your dd has been exceptionally naughty and tried to barefaced lie her way out of it. It also sounds like she has a history of it and whatever discipline has gone before hasnt worked to stop the behaviour. Your DH is clearly very frustrated by it.

newnamethistime · 25/01/2011 10:55

It's worrying that you are afraid of raising the issue later for fear of his reaction.

I was the same when H was being nasty and abusive.

He needs to apologise - to both of you

Ephiny · 25/01/2011 10:55

That's a really awful way to talk to/about anyone, never mind a 5 year old girl.

Yes what she said was awful too, but then she's five! You expect a grown man to have a bit more self-control and sense of what an appropriate response it!

Agree that children are very literal. I remember once when I was little being sent to my room by my dad and told to 'stay there and I don't want to hear another word from you'. Then he shouted 'do you understand me?'. So I said nothing, terrified to say anything because I'd been told not to and he was furious and sure to hit me if I disobeyed. So I kept silent and he stormed back upstairs yelling at me for not answering him and gave me a walloping anyway.

Children do not forget the nasty aggressive bullying behaviour inflicted on them, believe me.

CrosswordAddict · 25/01/2011 10:56

It sounds rather worrying if she is threatening physical violence against a young sibling. What if she HAD put the boot in first off without just threatening?
Maybe she feels she does not get enough attention, or just gets less than the younger ones? She certainly sounds angry and fed up.
I don't condone your husband's bad language but they drive you to it sometimes.
Don't leave her alone with the baby. Just in case she takes her spite out on that one just because she can.Maybe she is copying your husband? That could be learned behaviour, don't you feel?
Sorry I haven't got a solution but try to calm them all down and keep your beady eye on the baby. Good luck.

Davsmum · 25/01/2011 10:57

There is absolutely no excuse or justification for your husband's behaviour. Yes,..its a good idea to talk to him about it but I would make it clear that it was totally unacceptable and that he must not, under any circumstances do it again. Could it be because you tend to allow her to get away with things and that frustrates him ? - If it is, then he should sort that out with you and not take it out on your dd

How scary must it be for a 5 year old to hear a grown man ranting and swearing like that ?

Your DD may have been copying what she heard on TV ? Could she have heard adults close to her saying such things ?
It must be awful for you to be in the middle of that,..I do hope you can resolve it

Ephiny · 25/01/2011 10:58

He sounds not unlike a child himself actually, with the storming about, slamming doors and going in a sulk. I could not live with an adult behaving like that, it's ridiculous and quite disturbing.

ccpccp · 25/01/2011 11:00

Purposefully controversial?

DH just caught dd in a barefaced lie, and it doesnt sound like its the first time the behaviour has been seen.

Focussing on how awful DH is for swearing, or painting it as abusive male bullying (Hmm) totally misses the point. All parents fly off the handle sometimes.

PrettyCandles · 25/01/2011 11:01

"Can I just add he is usually and VERY good dad, it is just the way he deals with DD when he is angry, very shouty and intimidating just like his own father."

I thi k that this is the key. And that he will probably be the same with his bio children when they reach a similar age. Of course 5yos can wind you up, as can even younger children! And they don't have a strong sense of truth, yet, which can be intensely frustrating to an adult with a strong sense of how people should behave.

I'm not sure where demanding apologies will take you. It sounds like he is aware of his own rigidity, but it is extremely difficult to escape your own experience. The way you were parented shapes the way you do it, yourself. In order to make a conscious effort to do things differently you have to go against the instincts and habits if a lifetime.

But I think that is the way to go forward.

Original poster
jinglebelly · 25/01/2011 11:05

PrettyCandles - Thanks that is a great post, but which way forward do you mean?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 25/01/2011 11:13

If you think it's hard work now, wait til puberty!! You need to sort this now op!

I'm at a loss how tho. Your dh has it all stacked against him.

StuffingGoldBrass · 25/01/2011 11:16

JB: Are you often scared of him/scared of upsetting him? That's not a healthy relationship. Remember that you don't have to accept it. If you have a bullying man in the house, however scary it might seem to you to do this, you can make him choose between behaving like a decent human being or leaving the home for good. Bullying men often like to convince their partners that they hold all the power, that no one will believe or help the woman, that she's mad or that it's all her fault that the atmosphere in the house is constantly tense and miserable...
Now you may well be a long way from kicking him out, and things may be fixable before then. But something I really think every woman should know is that you do have the option in the last ditch of having an abusive man dragged out of the house by the police and forbidden to return. Being aware of that can be a source of strength.

MrSpoc · 25/01/2011 11:18

Can i ask, Do YOU treat your daughter a little different because she is not his real daughter?

I am only asking because that is the vibe I am getting from your post.

And for everyone who belives that she has heard her dad say "i will kick you in the head like a football" grow up I dont belive for one second that he has said that to anyone.

I do agree that his reaction was very wrong but you should never of interviened in the first place.

mumbar · 25/01/2011 11:19

I hate to say it but ccp does have a point in there.

Not all men who swear or lose their tempers over/ infront of children are abusive. God I've done it before Blush. Am a LP parent though so no male around.

I have overheard my normally quite placid DS saying something similar to friends DD (who always shouts stupid, ugly etc at people). I took him away from the situation, told him I was disappointed and asked him to spend 5 minutes in my room alone to think about it. Friend seemed to think I was over reacting. He has learnt/ heard this from school/ playing out. It is how children learn.

From your OP you do paint a picture as your dd being a 'firecracker' and then say shes' better, then she is actually placid right now. Which is it? Do you think she knows you'll defend her whatever and therefore that is why she lied?

No-one likes seeing their dc punished by others but I think maybe you need to see that your DH is raising your DD as his own and therefore will treat her as such.

I heard a great bit of advice on here - children are naturally manipulative, but they learn the reaction they get and that allows them to become so.

he was wrong to swear tho and should apologise

MrSpoc · 25/01/2011 11:20

How is he now bullying her? she said she has not heard him swear for over a year and she cannot even remember the last time he did swear.

As for not wanting to argue with him again, i am like this with my wife. She would prefer to argue until everything is sorted where I am the oppersite. And no she is not bullying me.

BootyMum · 25/01/2011 11:26

Can I just say first off I cannot believe ccpccp's posts - how can anyone be so vindictive, nasty and unthinking when talking about a 5 year old child and their behaviour Hmm

But agree with posters that DD will be learning that swearing and being threatening are acceptable when cross/frustrated from your DH. She is a child who doesn't know any better and most children manipulate the truth from time to time [or as another poster suggested, your DD may genuinely have not realised what she was meant to have done wrong, I mean she didn't kick DS's head like a football did she, I know that I threatened worse to my annoying younger brother at that age, with no real intent of carrying said threat through]

But I am aghast at the nastiness and uncontrolled nature of DH's response and behaviour. Presumably he is an adult but certainly didn't act like it. Instead he made nasty comments about DD and was aggressive and then sulked.

Think he needs some time out on the naughty mat to be honest.

ENormaSnob · 25/01/2011 11:29

The swearing etc is totally unacceptable.

However, her behaviour needs disciplining and from your op it appears you have undermined your partner.

JamieLeeCurtis · 25/01/2011 11:29

Booty - ignore - she's got form

Original poster
jinglebelly · 25/01/2011 11:36

MrSpoc - I think perhaps I do and I think this may frustrate him, but then I think he does too, it is very complicated.

OP posts:
clevercloggs · 25/01/2011 11:37

Not all men who swear or lose their tempers over/ infront of children are abusive. God I've done it before

I have overheard my normally quite placid DS saying something similar to friends. He has learnt/ heard this from school/ playing out.

or from you Confused