To be so fucking angry with DH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jinglebelly]

DH and I have 3 DC's, DS1 is 2, DS2 is 2 months and DD from my previous relationship is 5. DH and I have been together since she was 18 months, we are now married and she calls him daddy, she has no contact with her biological father who lives abroad.

DD has a strong personality and her and DH used to be at loggerheads often although they get on much better now.

This morning while I was upstairs DH overheard DD tell DS1 she was going to kick him in the head like a football if he didn't give her back her glove puppet. He put her on the naughty matt.

WhenI came down I went through and asked her what had happened, she told me she didn't do anything, DH overheard and shouted she was a 'fucking liar'.

I told him not to say things like that about her, she is 5 years old. He then said 'she makes me so angry sometimes, she is fucking snide' and 'I hate her when she does this'

She could hear his rant and I was furious but didn't say anything else to him, just picked her up and made her breakfast.

He stomped around slamming doors until it was time for him to leave the house, DD was trying to engage him and show him how good she was being but he was really off with her and wouldn't even look or respond to me,

I am furious, especially as he is now is a serious sulk as if it is our fault,

I don't know what to do and want some help to get some perspective on this, please help!!!

Do you both swear in front of the children, OP? If so, it's inevitable that this will happen in anger also.

Your husband wasn't right to say what he did in front of your children but at 5, your daughter is old enough to not threaten her younger brothers and if she is lying, then she needs to be picked up on that before it gets out of hand.

I agree with the other posters who've asked whether it was a good idea for you to intervene. Your husband is now your daughter's dad and if you undermine his authority then your parenting is not going to work.

MrSpoc - I asked her as I was really angry she had said it, I didn't ask because I didn't believe DH

When I say an element of doubt I mean for both me and DH, he has said he doesn't know if he treats her differently because she is not his biologically and that he has no way of ever knowing, likewise I have no way of knowing either.

OP I'm confused. In the OP you said you went through to ask her what had happened?, no mention of knowing what had happened.

So did you ask her after DH had told you what she had said for her side or did you ask her first?

Sorry if I've missed this part.

Jinglebelly - if you or DH do not know if she is being treated differently then you both need to agree a stratergy. example 3 strikes and your on the naughty step. That way there is no confusion.

I still get the impression that you are putting barriers up though sorry.

mumbar - sorry I should have made it clearer, he told me what had happened as I came downstairs, I had to walk past the naughty matt area so as I did asked her what had happened as I wanted her to explain herself, I was angry and I should have waited but it was 1st thing in the morning and I didn't stop to think about it

MrSpoc - barriers in what way? Perhaps I am unconsciously

OK, sorry wasn't interorgating just got confused!!

I think your right that maybe it wasn't the best time but hey no-ones perfect. Like I said above everyone makes mistakes its what we learn from then that counts.

Here I would say you need to trust and let DH deal with DD alone more and he definatly needs to reign in the swearing at or about DD.

Glad your talking again good start to solving the problem.

Jingle, I asked about DH's birth order because I was wondering if there was some subconscious unresolved issue for him around 'bullying' by older siblings which caused his somewhat disproportionate response to DDs unpleasant threat to DS...

Quicklookbusy - perhaps I was a psychopathic child but I know I often threatened younger brother with all manner of vile stuff [and he would retaliate likewise] but i never had any intention of acting it out. It was playacting and juvenile 'winding up' not deliberate or calculated maliciousness. In fact if anyone else threatened my brother I would become absolutely furious and would become very protective [as brother did of me]. Perhaps I am wrong but I don't think this is particularly unusual in normal sibling love/hate relationships?

Jinglebelly - the barriers are stuff like

He tells her off more than DS1 but DS1 is very very laid back and very rarely needs telling off whereas DD has always been very feisty and quite often needs telling off

To me you are saying that even though your son is not being naughty he is treating him differently because he is not telling him off.

You need to set stratergies and back each other up more and trust your DH with disciplining your DD.

booty is probably right. I get cross with ds when he says these impulsive things. I was bullied my my (younger) sister who once held be backwards over the bannister and threatened to let me fall and die.

I guess on some level you do worry that if children are allowed to get away with this at an early age they begin to believe its ok.

Still not shocked she said it though - have learnt it isn't abnormal at this age.

Your husband put your daughter on the naughty mat for a threat she said that was pretty vile. That was right, he put her in a time out and took himself away from any situation too.

He tells you what she said and on the way past you ask her what she said. She lied to you.

You husband overhearing this probably thought you didn't trust/believe him were interfering with his decision (naughty step is not so bad) and lost his temper hence the out burst about her being a liar.

You then removed your daughter from the naughty mat and take her for breakfast rewarding her for her lies and comments to her brother with one on one time. Completely undermining and ruining his attempt at discipline.

I don't think his temper loss was aimed at his and your daughter at all. It may have been part frustration because he perceived you either didn't believe him, didn't trust him or didn't like the punishment he handed out because as you are very clear to state she is not really his daughter and he picks up on the vibe that you think this about him.

If you had left talking to your daughter until her time out was over THEN talked to her would this have happened?

The swearing in front of her may not be the best example but I don't think it was at her specifically from what you have said!

And yes I have sworn at my son when frustrated it doesn't mean I don't love him deeply in the slightest.

Xales - good words of wisdom and just what i am trying to get across.

I'm a bit at how appalled so many posters are on this thread. The swearing is not great by any means, but I know I've sounded off to DH about the kids before with rather..er..."fruity" language. TBH I thought this was the sort of slip-up that befalls many stressed parents.

If he has a habit of getting loud and shouty with DCs when angry, perhaps point him in the direction of How To Talk So Kids Will Listen?

As for the DD saying she'll kick her sibling in the head, well again not great, but not shocking either. I don't think it's part and parcel of some sinister abusive home life (which I think some posters are hinting at). Small kids say and do some terrible things (biting, kicking, saying "I hate you"). Pretty much par for the course until we've civilsed / tamed them, isn't it?

x-posted with Xales...agree entirely

Nicely put Xales.

yes nicely put xales. What I've been trying (unsucessfully!) to say from the start.

Glad someone else had admitted to doing it too spawn. Was beginning to feel like a freak.

so to quote the title you are 'f**ing angry' are you??

Rules are ok but parenting isn't a war with winning egos, united front, unquestioned authority, and never undermined fathers.

It is also about loving, nurturing and supporting the child aswell.

Nobody has mentioned that there is also a newborn in the household. So there must be broken nights, tension, baby crying, etc. As well as a younger brother who's very good and never needs to be told off. And on top a father or stepdad whatever who calls her 'fucking liar', 'hates it when she does this', 'she makes me fucking angry' etc.
And most of you think that is HIM who needs support . Poor man, he felt undermined

But did he apologise to her?

Did he calmly and rationally explain why he got so cross?

Everything else aside he has anger problems and needs to deal with these for the sake of your children.

Sorry, but I personally hate swearing in front of kids. It always sounds aggressive, it can't be anything else. :(