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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so fucking angry with DH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

170 replies

jinglebelly · 25/01/2011 09:03

DH and I have 3 DC's, DS1 is 2, DS2 is 2 months and DD from my previous relationship is 5. DH and I have been together since she was 18 months, we are now married and she calls him daddy, she has no contact with her biological father who lives abroad.

DD has a strong personality and her and DH used to be at loggerheads often although they get on much better now.

This morning while I was upstairs DH overheard DD tell DS1 she was going to kick him in the head like a football if he didn't give her back her glove puppet. He put her on the naughty matt.

WhenI came down I went through and asked her what had happened, she told me she didn't do anything, DH overheard and shouted she was a 'fucking liar'.

I told him not to say things like that about her, she is 5 years old. He then said 'she makes me so angry sometimes, she is fucking snide' and 'I hate her when she does this'

She could hear his rant and I was furious but didn't say anything else to him, just picked her up and made her breakfast.

He stomped around slamming doors until it was time for him to leave the house, DD was trying to engage him and show him how good she was being but he was really off with her and wouldn't even look or respond to me,

I am furious, especially as he is now is a serious sulk as if it is our fault,

I don't know what to do and want some help to get some perspective on this, please help!!!

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 25/01/2011 11:42

Jinglebelly - I was with my ex and she had an 8mth old baby boy who had nothing to do with his dad. I took him on as my own until he was five. (long story)

There was nothing worse than me being told that I am his dad and should act like his dad but when I tried to discipline him I was always wrong.

I think you may need to sit down and talk with your DH, I bet he feels that you molly coddle your daughter, may be even trying to make up for the fact that she does not see her real father and your DH is really frustrated. Let it go.

ccpccp · 25/01/2011 11:51

Give over BootyMum.

A similar thread (different OP but same swearing at child question) panned out with everyone saying the OP was undermining her DH a few weeks ago.

MN is, as ever, totally inconsistent. I think the first page of posts sets the tone for the rest of the thread most of the time.

As JamieLeeCurtis says - ignore. Its a big site.

MmeLindt · 25/01/2011 11:51

I don't think that the OP did anything wrong in asking her DD what happened.

She was not undermining her DH, she was asking her DD what happened. If she had said, "What did nasty Daddy say to you?" or intimated in any way that he was in the wrong, then it would be different.

She was not given the chance to refute her DD's statement that she had done nothing before her DH kicked off.

Jinglebelly
I would sit down with DH, tell him that you were upset by both DD and his reaction to the situation and would like to understand why he exploded like that. Give him the chance to tell his side of the story, and then move forward from there.

Make sure he knows that you absolutely support his parenting decisions, but at the same time if you are not in agreement with him, that it has to be discussed calmly and rationally.

elphabadefiesgravity · 25/01/2011 12:01

If I asked my dd or ds what had happened then I would not see that as undermining, I would see it as me wanting to know the facts so that I could back up the punishment/show that I was cross/sad with that behaviour too.

If my dd had lied I would have been very corss but I would not have sworn like that and I would not have put up with dh swearing like that.

My dd knows four swear words, Pi, bit God and ass. She knows them only from listening to various musical theatre shows and before we took her to see them we explained about the words and how they should not be used and will not be tolerated at school etc etc. She is old enough at 9 to understand. At 5 she would not have had the maturity.

MrSpoc · 25/01/2011 12:05

sorry but why would you ask the child what they have done. Would it not be easier to ask partner what they did then ask the child why they did the act in the first place.

going straight to the child is undermining her partner.

MmeLindt · 25/01/2011 12:08

MrSpoc
I don't see it that way. As Elpha said, it is more asking the child what happened to find out why she was punished in order to back up the partner.

Perhaps OP's DH misunderstood the OP's intentions

newnamethistime · 25/01/2011 12:09

'sorry but why would you ask the child what they have done. Would it not be easier to ask partner what they did then ask the child why they did the act in the first place.

going straight to the child is undermining her partner.'

Do you really think so?
FWIW - I don't think any 5yo can actually answer the question 'why' in these circumstances. Young children are impulsive, their brains are not fully developed and most of the time they don't know 'why' they do things.

bubblewrapped · 25/01/2011 12:10

Is it just me who sees the irony of the swearing in the thread title and the content.

Yes, your husband could have said "She is a bloody liar", which wouldnt have sounded quite as bad as the "f" word...

Children hear adults swear, it doesnt mean they can swear too.

Ormirian · 25/01/2011 12:11

How can the OP back him up when he is behaving so badly. Backing him up is reinforcing to her child that it's fine to be bad-tempered and swear and say that he hates a child, because he's the adult.

Twat! Angry

Itsapuppet · 25/01/2011 12:12

Mme "in order to back up the partner" surly this is a given, even if you disagree with your partner. In front of the child it?s a united front. Therefore the question still stands why ask the child?

MrSpoc · 25/01/2011 12:13

sorry but my 3 year old son understands perfectly.

If you ask the child you are giving them an oportunity to wriggle out of it. if you know what they did then you can ask why they did it.

Itsapuppet · 25/01/2011 12:14

Ormirian, the questions about backing him up was raised before the dad behaved so badly. Not after.

Ormirian · 25/01/2011 12:14

What if you partner had just belted the kid, or told her she couldn't have a promised treat? Would you blindly back him up then? I am not perfect, neither is my DH.

MmeLindt · 25/01/2011 12:14

Itsapuppet
No. It is not a given.

If my DH does something out of order, then I will not back him up.

If I am too harsh with the DC, then he will say to me that I ABU, and defuse the situation.

I think that blind backing the partner, even when he is clearly in the wrong is not a good example to set to the DC. They should see that their parents do not always agree on parenting, but can discuss it rationally.

MrSpoc · 25/01/2011 12:15

the op has also admitted treating the daughter different than the other kids because her DH is not her father. So it is obvious that he cannot discipline his child without op undermining him. Sorry op but this is how I see your posts.

Itsapuppet · 25/01/2011 12:17

Mne "If my DH does something out of order, then I will not back him up." in front of the Child? Seriously? Shock

MrSpoc · 25/01/2011 12:18

Ormirian if i did not let my child have the promised treat (that i did not know about) then my wife will advise me and I will give the child the treat. all you need to do is say "sorry DH but i have already said the child can have the treat" i do not see this as a problem.

mamatomany · 25/01/2011 12:18

"i will kick you in the head like a football"

I'd be more worried my 5 year old was saying that to her baby brother tbh, I think you all need family therapy otherwise this is all going to go from bad to worse.

MmeLindt · 25/01/2011 12:19

ok, I missed that she treats her DD differently. How do you mean, Jingle?

newnamethistime · 25/01/2011 12:20

Itsapuppet
'Mne "If my DH does something out of order, then I will not back him up." in front of the Child? Seriously?'

What's the shocked face for?

My H threated to smash my dc's face once for bad behaviour. There was no way I was going to back him up 'in front of the child' -seriously. Hmm

BootyMum · 25/01/2011 12:21

Because sometimes you should back up the child! It doesn't actually sound as if DH was being particularly mature or reasonable Hmm

I can't see that DD did anything that dreadful that it warranted DH's exaggerated and unpleasant response. Yes, she should be told it's not nice to lie or physically threaten younger brother [imo fairly normal behaviour in an impulsive 5 year old]. And perhaps it did warrant a 5 minute time out. But she did not deserve to be called a "fucking liar" or that she was "snide" and then have to put up with DH's passive/aggressive doorbanging and emotional withdrawal.

MmeLindt · 25/01/2011 12:22

Itsapuppet
Seriously. Only something very obviously wrong, not for a minor disagreement of how the situation should be handled.

If your DH were to wallop your DC, would you present a united front then have a word with him later? Or would you stop him and protect your child?

I have lost my temper and screamed at my DC. I am not proud of it and hate it when it happens and I would not be upset if DH were to intervene.

Itsapuppet · 25/01/2011 12:24

Newname, I would not be in a relationship with a partner that would dare speak to a child like that let alone our child. I assumed incorrect no one would tolerate that and that is why the shocked faced.

newnamethistime · 25/01/2011 12:25

Glad you realised you we're incorrect then Itsapuppet.

MrSpoc · 25/01/2011 12:27

Bootymum - this is not really about the daughter's behaviour. her behaviour was delt with efficianlty in the first place.

What this is about is the Op treating her DD diffrently than her other DC because DH is not her dad. She is undermining her husband and I bet he is at the end of his tether with it.