...to want to never, ever see my step-daughter again as long as I live?

[IrisMurdoch]

The worst thing is...my dp says he doesn't want kids with me because it would be 'too complicated' eg I've had my two kids so I'm OK and my daughter has also told me not to have any more kids! So instead of having a family of my own, I have to put up with his awful children for the rest of time. Anyone been in a similar plight and found a way through? Thanks so much, Iris. Sorry that I sound like a child-hating cow.

Back to what I (and others) posted right at the start then. He says he doesn't want more kids. Is that a deal breaker for you?

BTW I assumed from you saying 'instead of having a family of my own' in the OP that you hadn't already had any kids yourself. Now that I've seen you have a DS, it looks a bit different. Be honest now - is wanting a child with your DP about evening up the score, as it were, and having more of a claim on him relative to his daughter?

I'm sorry but you need help with your emotions and interpretation of this situation.

If you can find a family therapist, that will help, but from what I've read you may well think they're horrible/clueless because they don't agree with you.

he says she is absolutely fine with 'other people'

So DP is saying her behaviour is different with others. This makes sense. You don't.

You have to realise that she more than likely perceives you as stealing "her family" as she is unlikely to want to blame her Mum or Dad. She probably will for sometime, if not forever. That's life.

Also there may well be emotional issues with the father of your DS. You split when he was 1 ?

what a pointless thread

I can't understand why some people are making a fuss over the term stepmother, yes technically if you are not married to your partner then you are not 'stepmother' as such.

But 'boyfriend/girlfriends dc sounds so cold and formal to me. I call myself stepmother to mystepdaughters as I have been with my dp for 6 years, we live together and have two children of our own together and we also see rather a lot of his little girls. They are happy to refer to me 'stepmother' as does their mum.

I'm sure my sd would feel pretty pissed off if I started to refer to them as 'my boyfriends daughters'

I do feel slightly sorry for the op, aibu not the best place to admit that all is not well with you and your sd relationship, its not easy to admit too either. I have felt rage, frustration many times at my sd but managed to hide it. It's not easy being a stepparent believe me and its difficult to like them sometimes but they are a part of my dp and I do love them.

You post to intentionally provoke a strong reaction but then don't like the responses? Seems to speak volumes about the way you may behave in real life. Amongst the strong reactions, and even in them, you have been given some very solid advice and insights yet choose to ignore it in order to basically say that no one knows what they're talking about...

Agree that it is a totally pointless thread - suggest you find a different forum if you only want others to agree with and condone your behaviour. In response to your original question, YABU.

hnpfhrgh!!! That's me choking on a laugh! A stepmother is just a 'term' you say ... when you were 11 I would have loved to have descended on you and said 'I am your step mother'.... see how that feels at 11. - OP the word mother is fortunately for most of us, more than just a 'term'.

Maybe someone should crash through your world and bring new terms for the peope in your life? Most of us earn terms of endearment, we don't foist them on others.

Mother seems an emotive word for you, as that is clearly what is lacking in your blended family world, until you bear your partner a child in your new 'real' family.

Step up, brave up, realise the effect you're having on all the children around you.

If I'm still here in a few years time, I'm sure I'll see posts supporting 'my toxic 'dad's girlfriend' posts from your step 'step-daughter/dad's girlfriend's daughter'.

Boo!

"I really think it's better to talk about uncomfortable issues rather than to pretend that the world is all rosy and perfect and personalities
never conflict and relations are never uncomfortable and strained and unfulfilling.

It rather denies human experience, doesn't it? And we are all fallible and flawed beings trying to do the best we can."

I agree, it is better to talk about difficult issues.

However it would seem the lynch mob are out in full force so I doubt you'll get much more than abuse now.

FWIW I agree that some people just aren't nice, even as children. (A particularly manipulative girl in my primary school class springs to mind.) However the difference between children and adults is that - while they are children, at least - I really don't think it can be held to be their fault. They are that way for a reason, most likely the adults around them / experiences they have had.

And the thing about this child is that, as her stepmum, you do have some kind of responsibility to her.

Why do you think she's like it? What do you think could help her? Do you have any common ground with her?

She isnt the bloody stepmother!, she is just daddys girlfriend as far as the child is concerned. They dont live together.

agree wiht prev poster - you're the adult here, so she's not nice etc - she's only 11 , truthfully I think its up to you to like her and given that you're involved with her father , maybe to encourage him to get her help she needs... aybu? y and n... but think you cant shut her out if youre going to be involved with her father then you're obliged to deal with her reasonably

Lynch mob- nope. Abuse to OP - nope Sad...yes. As you say, threefeet, peple are the way they are for a reason. Most likely the adults around them

You have made your point soundly. Children are children. We have a responsibility as adults to walk them through the huge hurdles that occur during childhood. I feel an affinity to children not my own who may need support in doing this - I only hope your measured words could open OP's eyes to doing so for her own boyfriend's child.

Its a term that means something, and you are not it.
Have you heard how language works at all?

I'm confused. The kid's parents split up 3 years ago, you have known them for "many, many years" but you didn't meet him until 2 years after the split? I know it's 3am and I've had no sleep, but WTF?? [bconfused]

You know what, OP, I've changed my opinion somewhat. The person who is being most unreasonable is your DP for subjecting his daughter to this situation.

'My crime here is that I don't like her and I don't enjoy her company. You would think I was the first
person ever in the world not to like a child.'

Your crime is that you are not prepared to get to know her and like her when she is an 11yr old child.
Your other crime is that you don't like her and are still with her father.
However nice you are that DD knows that you don't like her, DCs are quick to see beyond the words and smiles.
It is quite simple the man and the DD go together and if you don't want his DD you leave him. Most things have a grey tinge but this is black and white. Any other forum would give the same result, once a person has
a DC the DC comes first and if a new partner can't get on with the DC the partner goes.

It's Reading this post that I thank god for my lovely kind stepmum who loved us even when faced with teenage hormones and me being extremely sensitive due to my parents divorce , if you can't handle a difficult eleven year old what would you do if you had a dd and she turned out to be a total nightmare? Remember this little girl has had to go through her parents splitting which in itself is very traumatic then comes along another woman who so obviously resents and dislikes her . Do her a favour leave the relationship now and leave this family to find a woman who will at least have the courtesy to be civil and will at least try to love this family as a package . I just don't understand how you can be so cold to a little girl , you even describe the son as just being ok , you actually sound like you don't like children at all and I'm surprised you want more.

Exactly YeagBut-he should give an ultimatum-he knows the situation and he should give an ultimatum, 'get to know my DD and realise she is part of me or we break up'.

There would be no possibility of him wanting DCs with OP when he knows that they wouldn't have equal love. How can a man have 3 DCs and his partner only love one of them? At least he is sensible enough not to do it.

I doubt this is a serious OP, maybe a troll??

If it is serious, yuck! Some people are horrid. Reminds me of that woman on the inheritance programme recently who didn't want the father to give his two daughters thier iheritance. On that note actually, they weren't his daughters, they were his step daughters from a previous marriage that he loved unconditionally. You shouldn't be together if you think like this OP, children are not made to suit you and what you think a child should be like. She is a person with emotions and a personality. Get thee to a shrink as you appear to have some bitterness issues.

Has it occured to you that your dp sees the way you are towards his dd and that puts him off having a child with you ? It would certainly put me off having a dc with a man who disliked my ds , in fact I think you are lucky he has stayed with you so long . If you are trying to be nice but still don't like her it will come through she will know you don't like her . CAn you not focus on her good qualities instead of her bad ones? Praise good behaviour spend some real quality time you could have a good relationship if you tried you say you want a family you have got one yes it's a blended family but it's a family all the same , like I say In my other post I thank god for my stepmum we have stayed close even though she and my dd have divorced , she came in to our lives at a difficult time (my mum had walked out a year previous) and was so lovely to us from the start we responded in kind . IT would do you well to remember you are on a parenting site we love our dcs more than anything and to post with such venom about a child is only going to get you a roasting .

Iris, you keep trying to tell yourself that you have a right not to love your partner's daughter because she is not lovable, and you keep trying to tell yourself that you have a right to be with your dp but wish his dd away.

How can you be sure this doesn't come back to bite you on the bum?

How do you know that your own ds won't be a difficult non-communicative child when he hits his pre-teens? I know you say your step-dd has always been like this- but that is no guarantee that your son won't change. My own ds was the most charming bubbling child when he was 6- at 10 he is rebellious and uncommmunicative (we still love him). So if that happens to you- will you accept that your dp has a right to want you but not your ds? Will you think you yourself should put your love life before your son?

And what if you did have a child together and that turned out to be a difficult child- would you accept your partner disengaging from that dc?

If you see that that wouldn't be right, then you will see why he has to put his difficult 11yo dd first.

Still, I don't think this is all that is going on. If he is repeating his dd's ill-considered and immature utterings to you to justify his decisions, then he is hiding behind her, not a very mature way of behaving.

iris

it might help you to try and remember that you are not talking to mumsnet, you are talking to a number of individual women who are offering you a range of responses. the 'you lot are talking shit' reply is understandable if you are feeling attacked but still a bit dim when you think about it.

the 'obsession with which board you posted on' is not some picky nonsense. the people suggesting you should have posted on a different board are making a sensible point ( and not just becuase i was one of the .
If you post a deliberatly inflamatory post to the whole board in a section that is usually knock about then you will get on type of response.
had you posted in a way to get responses to people directly in your situation you may have got more measured feedback. had you posted in behaviour and development you may have gained some insight and support in dealing with a challenging child.

Which begs the question do you actually want advice or did you just post here like a sulky toddler to vent? Do you think you could have handled this, and many other things, a little better?

If you want sensible advice then drop the teenage attitude,( it isn't becoming on a woman who is apparnetly keen to have another child) and post again.

I hope you do. You still seem to have missed the fundamental point that 11 year olds do not behave as you have descined without good cause. You can either try to help resolve her issues and support her, walk away from the relationship or just stand on the sidelines pouting. its up to you

I agree with pagwatch and if you had posted saying that you found her difficult, how could you get to know and like her? then you would have had sympathy and suggestions. Hating an 11yr old DC and wishing she wasn't there isn'tgoing to get any agreement!

I agree with pag - and I was also someone who suggested a short ranty post in AIBU was less likely to provoke measured responses than a more detailed one in Relationships or Beh/Dev.

But I wonder , given the fact you have ignored all the responses, whether you wanted to provoke anger in others so you could then feel justifed in feeling hard done by

OP

Would it help to think of the verb "to love" as an action rather than as a feeling, which is one of it's meanings.

You can decide to love this child and behave accordingly. All of us in relationships at some point have to make a decision to love even when other feelings get in the way. If someone has a row with their other half they have to decide to love him and make up even if they still feel cross a bit. Usually the loving feelings follow the decision to love.

If you want things to get better you are going to have to decide to love this child come what may. The loving feelings will then come out of loving behaviour. If you behave lovingly to people they become loveable. As the hymn says, "love to the loveless shown, that they might lovely be" ...

I'll shut up now. Bumps x

But I wonder , given the fact you have ignored all the responses, whether you wanted to provoke anger in others so you could then feel justified in feeling hard done by

Or maybe it was because when she last posted about how she was having problems loving her own child, she got lots of support and understanding and thought she may get the same again. She probably didn't realise that the rules on support only apply to your own children as it does take a while to get used to the massive double standards that exist out there.

Just a thought! Maybe reading the responses on this thread will make it clearer.