Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want to never, ever see my step-daughter again as long as I live?

260 replies

IrisMurdoch · 24/01/2011 16:02

The worst thing is...my dp says he doesn't want kids with me because it would be 'too complicated' eg I've had my two kids so I'm OK and my daughter has also told me not to have any more kids! So instead of having a family of my own, I have to put up with his awful children for the rest of time. Anyone been in a similar plight and found a way through? Thanks so much, Iris. Sorry that I sound like a child-hating cow.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 24/01/2011 18:38

Bogeyface, your questions and insights are spot on.

pagwatch · 24/01/2011 18:42

If the op is going to repost a (hopefully) more measured version of this post it might also be useful to go to behaviour and development and ask about children displaying similar behaviours and how to help them.

That might be constructive

And may help the girl who doesn't sound terribly happy.

marantha · 24/01/2011 18:43

Perhaps part of the reason you don't get on with her is your insistence of being referred to her as her stepmother.
Now it could be just that you don't actually do this in real life, but if you do, then if I were your boyfriend's daughter (sorry, but although you are free to call the man you are going out with what you wish, partner usually means living together in stable relationship in my view)I would be mightily cheesed off about this.
She is old enough to understand nuances of words and I feel stepmother is coming on to strong.
If only you'd just refer to yourself as her 'daddy's girlfriend' or simply by your Christian name maybe it would have helped.

Lamorna · 24/01/2011 18:46

' I would love to feel some affection for her. I just don't feel anything.'

In that case you leave the relationship, you are an adult and can cope but no DC should live in a home without love.
What greater gift can a parent give than a relationship with their DC? and yet you say that you don't want her!

brightlightsandpromises · 24/01/2011 18:47

Biscuit Eat this and then go and show your DP the thread, then you wont have a problem because he will tell you to fuck right off and you wont have to look after his "awful" children anymore

pigletmania · 24/01/2011 18:50

Iris you sound really cold and heartless. No wonder you do not get on with your partners dd as you have set out to dislike her from the word go. Actually, a lot of people do love and like their stepchildren and care for them immensley, I think that you are in the minority. Funnily enough your dp comes as a package and cannot get rid of his children at your conviencence. You have to also like his children too as they are a huge part of his life.

I suggest that if you cannot do this you need to walk away, and find a partner without kids or grown up kids.

brightlightsandpromises · 24/01/2011 18:54

Gosh, having read some of your posts im tempted to ram the biscuit down your throat to be honest. Christ on a bike - this girl has had her family broken up, and you expect her to be full of the joys of spring, she may well see you as someone who has taken her daddy away(even if you weren't the reason children dont see past what is in their faces) and you expect her to be personable and cheerful. Dont tell me she doesn't know how you feel - trust me, she knows!! If i were you i would do the decent thing and leave this family alone

MsKLo · 24/01/2011 18:54

Do YOU want kids? If yes, find a man who wants kids too as you will regret choosing a man who won't have kids with you over having your own kids

He is not worth it if his reasoning is he already has kids and he shows he doesn't give a shit about your desire for kids

mummylouise · 24/01/2011 18:58

i live with dp, my 2 kids and dp son stays here most of the time. before i moved in everyone had to be happy with living together. being a step mum is not always easy but neither is being a mum. there are good days and bad days.
if you are serious about gthis releationship then getting on with ur partners kids is a no brainer. if there are probs and they can't be worked out then u need to think about ur next move.

brightlightsandpromises · 24/01/2011 18:58

looks like she might have toddled off to netmums - i dont think she will find them sympathetic to her either, good ridd\nce

bubblewrapped · 24/01/2011 18:58

So instead of having a family of my own, I have to put up with his awful children for the rest of time

This sentence speaks volumes about you really. His children, awful or not, would be part of your family. He can NEVER have a family just with you. His children exist, and any children you have with him, if it happened, would be siblings of those children.

MarioandLuigi · 24/01/2011 18:59

Maybe if you were nicer to her your BF might change his mind. Maybe he sees how awful you are to her and that helps him make up his mind about having children with you.

As the Step-daughter to an Ice Queen who made it perfectly obvious she didnt have anytime for me, I feel very sorry for your Step Daughter.

And 11 is a very difficult age for all girls.

coldtits · 24/01/2011 18:59

She's an eleven year old little girl, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Vallhala · 24/01/2011 19:00

I get the feeling that the OP was the other woman. I'm not in any position to moralise about that but if it is the case then it's clear why the boyfriend's daughter behaves as the OP says she does.

A very good point was made here - "I think it says a lot about you that you refer yourself as being a stepmother and not the correct terminology of 'my boyfriend's daughter', perhaps an exaggerated sense of self-importance? Methinks that this is the case here.".

If he is any kind of man he will put his daughter first and if so and if you don't support that 100% he will without a doubt put you last.

Bogeyface · 24/01/2011 19:01

Is there a thread on NM? Would love to read it if there is! Compare and contrast and all that!

Even "huggies" can bite :o

JamieLeeCurtis · 24/01/2011 19:04

itchy!!

diddl · 24/01/2011 19:05

"What a lovely person you sound, diddl! Your post oozes with spite and vitriol."

Yes I am lovely, thank you.

If you think I sound spiteful & vitriolic, at least it´s not aimed at an 11yr old.

I think that the OP blames the daughter for her boyfriend´s decision re children.

pigletmania · 24/01/2011 19:05

Whether you like it or not, his kids are part of him, and they come as a whole, you cannot just get rid of them for your conveinience. You he is obviously not right for you if you despise his kids just for their existence.

RunawayFishWife · 24/01/2011 19:14

I think you need to tell your partner you want your own child and if it is not with him find someone who is willing to have a family with you

aStarWithHerOwnWays · 24/01/2011 19:18

He sounds like a spineless turd, and you sound like a sociopath. The two of you deserve each other. If only there weren't three children in the way.

Thank goodness you are almost certainly just a troll with a tiny cock :)

BuzzLightBeer · 24/01/2011 19:27

op says you have a daughter, yet she's disappeared by the next post. Hmm

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 24/01/2011 19:27

If this is for real, you need to leave him. Now.

gordyslovesheep · 24/01/2011 19:30

oh what coldtists said with bloody bells on

grow up

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 24/01/2011 19:31

Poor girl...

bubblewrapped · 24/01/2011 19:32

Buzzlightyear.

No, thats just her crap punctuation, which makes the post bloody hard to read.

She is saying that is what the boyfriend has said.