...to want to never, ever see my step-daughter again as long as I live?

[IrisMurdoch]

The worst thing is...my dp says he doesn't want kids with me because it would be 'too complicated' eg I've had my two kids so I'm OK and my daughter has also told me not to have any more kids! So instead of having a family of my own, I have to put up with his awful children for the rest of time. Anyone been in a similar plight and found a way through? Thanks so much, Iris. Sorry that I sound like a child-hating cow.

It is your dp who is at fault not his dd.

how old are the children

tbh if anyone told me they didnt like my kids, their arses would hit the door on the way out

'love him, not his children.' leave him then, for the sake of his children. I have two friends who have both been very damaged by having step mothers like you.

"So instead of having a family of my own"

You HAVE a family of your own as you have 2 daughters.

Why would I get a pasting? It's only a perspective. I think other people have been here before but it's very hard to talk about because children are involved.
We are both separated. I've got a ds (6), he's got two - awful dd (11) and perfectly OK ds (9). We've been together for 3 years and everything is lovely, except for the kids issue, which is obviously rather central and important to our lives. I find spending time with his dd excruciating and it's caused a million rows. She is cold, unkind and humourless and talks like a four-year-old. I don't mind that so much, but I'm not allowed to criticise her in any way. I walk on egg shells. He gets on well with my ds, mostly because my ds has a personality and is able to smile and look people in the eye, unlike his strange and unsettling dd.

I don't have 2 daughters - I have a son and he has a son and a daughter. They have a mother who they live with.

You sound very bitter. I hope that if my DH and me ever split he would be the same.

'She is cold, unkind and humourless' She is 11 years old and has to put with you, whom this description fits perfectly btw, how the fuck do you expect her to act around somone who quite clearly dislikes her ?

im sorry but shes 11, how can u get off calling her awful

so what would you like to happen in an ideal world

If i was your partner and i found out you talked about my kids like this then i would get rid of you. You sound like the step mum form hell.

My point is, do any stepmothers actually LOVE their partner's children, or even like them? Don't people just politely tolerate other people's children? It's good to talk about difficult subjects isn't it?

my daughter has also told me not to have any more kids!

Where does your dd come into this?

Blimey, you're brave posting this here! Regardless of his current children, wouldn't his not wanting children to your wanting them, be the deal breaker? To be honest, if you can't accept his children then your relationship will not work. Simple as that.

you need to walk away before you damage her and ruin things .

you have a family

she;s not stopping you

11 year olds are notoriously tricky, at that funny age before teendom hits, but feel too grown up already

have some compassion

you sound callous and humourless and cold and unsettling

Get.A.Grip

'Is able to smile and look people in the eye'
Sounds like a MH issue, actually...

irism - yes, they do. Or at least the ones I know do a very good impression of doing so and a good job of caring for them and about them.

ok fair enough if you dont "love" them, but to say you dont like this 11 year old girl. I find rather strange tbh

If he thought your DS was awful, humourless, unkind etc, would you stay with him and inflict him on your child?

She'll always be his daughter. If you want to be part of their family I think you should work on your attitude towards her because tbh I can't imagine a father wanting a relationship with someone who hates his daughter that much.

How would you feel if your DP said that about your DS? And how can you be so callous towards an 11 year old?

I love my husbands kids, it's not always easy, but I love them.

And no, most people dont just politely tolerate children who are central in their family lives. If they can only do that then they split up.

No wonder she has no time for you, children are very perceptive and probably spotted you for the person you are, and knew long before you did that you resent her!

Hmm, no matter what his DD is like, she is his DD.

How would you like it if someone talked about your DS like that?

And how can you even think of having children with your DP when you don't get on with his DD?

I don't think that you are horrible for not liking her, I don't like every single child that I come across, but you need to find a way past this.

"My point is, do any stepmothers actually LOVE their partner's children"

I would have thought so as they are part of the partner that they love.

Anyway, you have a family of your own, your son.

You have three children between you-why wouldn´t that be your own family?