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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want to never, ever see my step-daughter again as long as I live?

260 replies

IrisMurdoch · 24/01/2011 16:02

The worst thing is...my dp says he doesn't want kids with me because it would be 'too complicated' eg I've had my two kids so I'm OK and my daughter has also told me not to have any more kids! So instead of having a family of my own, I have to put up with his awful children for the rest of time. Anyone been in a similar plight and found a way through? Thanks so much, Iris. Sorry that I sound like a child-hating cow.

OP posts:
BuzzLightBeer · 24/01/2011 19:34

ah, I see. Thats actually even more annoying.

I echo whoever said OP isn't a step-mother, even a shitty one.

BuzzLightBeer · 24/01/2011 19:36

and while I'm here, it utterly pisses me off when twats assume people disagree with them because they have no experience or don't understand. Morons.
I've had 3 stepmothers, I'm a fucking expert on this thread.

hoovercraft · 24/01/2011 19:57

Stepkids aside...id dump him on the grounds that he doesnt want children

Xenia · 24/01/2011 20:05

Presumably if you want children with someone you don't involved with them unless you agree over that issue.

Northernlurker · 24/01/2011 20:07

Have told dh I will haunt him should anything happen to me and he foolishly take up with a viper like the OP.

EvilDrPorkChop · 24/01/2011 20:18

DP has three daughters with his ex. I have one ds. I would love to have a child with DP BUT he, quite rightly, points out that we already have four between us! We split up about this briefly last year (we don't live together as yet). When we were in the process of getting back together, he said one thing which resonated with me... that if I want to be with him, I should want to be with HIM. That one day the children will leave and it will be just him and me. I still want to be with him despite the fact we probably won't have a child together. You don't get everything you want in life. There are more issues though from what you are saying OP (haven't read the whole thread). His girls are tricky at times (as is my ds), one is 11 and it is a funny age! But I adore those girls. They're just kids.

Aussieng · 24/01/2011 20:35

No worries - Iris - I didn't mean to tell you where to post, just pointing out that AIBU tends to get harsh reactions and step parent imperfections even more so here on MN. I think that more people on MN see issues from the point of view of the step-children as many have been in that position and it is clear that many of them have had fairly terrible experiences hence the strong views and opinions.

Your OP was very harsh - I am suspecting that perhaps you have just had a weekend with your partners children and it was a tough one?

If you do post on the step-parents forum here or on another forum such as Childless Stepmums you will see that in most cases the biggest problem is not the step-kids but the parents dealing with their own issues though the kids and a particular issue is the absent parent (usually the dad sadly) not wanting to face up to issues with their children's behaviour even in cases where there are clearly behavioural issues or even just deep-seated emotional issues caused by their parents separation/divorce. In situations such as this it can be very difficult as your opinions on the child's behaviour are just ignored or written off as being motivated by your jealousy etc (no doubt sometimes they are).

Even if you do post on another more sympathetic forum, I would suggest that you make your introductory post a little less inflamatory!

FWIW, I think it is harsh to castigate you for referring to yourself as the children's step mum. If you and your DP are in a long term relationship to the point where you have discussed children etc then this is what you are effectively. I am surprised that some on this thread seem to see marriage as the be all and end all in determining the status or importance of a relationship!

Finally, I lived for weekends when I was working (currently on maternity leave) and can only imagine how hard it is to have every second weekend taken up with children which are not your own especially in a situation where there are clearly issues. You need to find a way to be able to talk to your partner properly and have him respect your views but this can't be on the basis of you never wanting to see her again. The other side to that is that you also need to learn that you will not have the same say over your step-childrens upbringing as with your own children and learn to detach from this. Finally you either have to accept that the every second weekend scenario is your life now or move on.

romanygypsywitch · 24/01/2011 20:54

if you were my step mum i would hate you too.

Rindercella · 24/01/2011 21:14

OP, you are not this girl's step mother. I know it has already been said, but you are her father's girlfriend. That's it. You are not your boyfriend's partner as you are not living together. Semantics? I don't think so. I have been with DH for c. 12 yrs. His son was 8 years old when we got together. The first day I referred to him as my DSS was the day DH and I got married - when I laughingly told DSS that I was now his wicked stepmother.

If you cannot see that your boyfriend's children would form part of your family, then you have no hope of making this work. What about your own son in all of this? You say you have no family, what about your son??

Shame on you OP. You sound cold and selfish. Your boyfriend's DD is probably terrified of you. I dare you to show your bf this thread, as you believe to be so right in what you say. I reckon your wish would come true if you did, and you would never, ever see your 'step-daughter' again as long as you live.

cupcakebakerer · 24/01/2011 21:25

I wonder what the OP would do if her boyfriend hated her children? Put them first and leave? Or 'choose' him above her children?

Lamorna · 24/01/2011 21:57

He is very wise not to have DCs with you, he knows that you would treat them differently.

chipmonkey · 24/01/2011 22:06

When my dsis got together with her current dh, my dn, who is a delightful girl, was horrible to him for a long time. She even wrote "D must die!" on her bedroom wall.

The trouble with her was, not so much that she hated dsis's dp but that she had hoped that, after the difficult relationship dsis had had with dn's dad, that after they split, it would be just dsis and dn, no interlopers.

dsis's dp was consistent, never lost his temper and had the insight to know what was up with dn. Slowly things got better so that one day when he mentioned that he had accidentally referred to dn as his daughter, she beamed with delight. They have a great relationship now.

Iris, don't you think that if your dp really thought you were his soulmate and wished you had children together, that he would have children with you? That if he really, really felt that way, that nothing would get in his way?

skyswept · 24/01/2011 22:06

It sounds like the guy can see through the OP anyway and won't be sharing the sperm. He sees you as a girlfriend and not a mother of his children.

You don't make that kind of fixed judgement on an 11 yr old. You just show them a better way to be.

Lamorna · 24/01/2011 22:11

You need to do lots of things with the child, just the 2 of you, and get to know her.

kittybuttoon · 24/01/2011 22:23

TBH, it all seems a bit desperate to me, OP.

If you really can't stand the child (and you do seem to have a strong dislike of her), you must have realised by now that there is no way that you and she can be part of the same extended family?

I know it sounds hard (and I'm not judging you for your dislike of DSD, honestly) but I think you should choose to walk while you still have your dignity.

My S-I-L had a similar issue with her DP's daughter. There was jealousy on both sides, but of course the Dad stuck by his daughter in the end.

Very sad, but at least she and Ex are still mates, and she was careful not to let anyone know that her dislike of the daughter was anything to do with her decision to walk away

Original poster
IrisMurdoch · 24/01/2011 22:36

This is extraordinary, I've just read the whole lot and it's a fascinating read, partic the rage and hatred, the obsession with posting on the wrong thread and the deep concern about the term 'stepmother'. The latter is just a word used to describe the relation between a woman and her partner's children in this instance. It is a term, not a status and you certainly don't need to be married to use such a term or indeed to be living with said partner. (I love the notion also that you can't be a partner unless you're living with someone, that is hilariously old-fashioned). It is a serious, long term relationship and 'stepmother' is merely a word.

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtis · 24/01/2011 22:47

Do you find any of the rest of it interesting or helpful?

MrsNonSmoker · 24/01/2011 22:48

Even if she is a mini-monster, you cannot continue your relationship feeling like this. Either sort it out, or call it off. You need to be able to sit down in a safe group and talk about how you feel and how you think you can resolve it. Surely you don't want to live like that - hating an 11 year old?

narkypuffin · 24/01/2011 22:54

It's a serious relationship with a man who doesn't want to live with you or have children with you. Whose daughter you loathe.

And you 'can't have a family of (your) own' even though you have a daughter?

Original poster
IrisMurdoch · 24/01/2011 22:54

Your assumptions are bewildering. I was nothing to do with the breakup of dp's relationship. I met him two years after the split. The girl in question also doesn't hate me. I have spent three years being lovely to her, really trying hard to be a nice presence in her life and always respecting the fact that she comes first in her father's affection, as she rightly should.

My crime here is that I don't like her and I don't enjoy her company. You would think I was the first
person ever in the world not to like a child.

Yes, it was an inflammatory post - that's to get attention! And boy did it work.

I really think it's better to talk about uncomfortable issues rather than to pretend that the world is all rosy and perfect and personalities
never conflict and relations are never uncomfortable and strained and unfulfilling. It rather denies human experience, doesn't it? And we are all fallible and flawed beings trying to do the best we can.

OP posts:
MrsNonSmoker · 24/01/2011 22:57

I just said you need to find somewhere safe e.g., online or in RL, a support group or a good friend, to talk about how you feel and how you think this situation can be resolved. Some people are shocked by your post but is there anyone reading this now who doesn't think that's a good place to start?!

So what else do you want us to say?!

Bogeyface · 24/01/2011 23:01

Hmm...you are bewildered by assumptions made, but you have taken an entire thread to answer a fairly basic question ie: did you contribute to the marriage break up. So people drew their own conclusions. It is a pertinent question as it could explain the dd's attitude to you but you chose to ignore it.

You say that her father rightly puts her first but then moan that he puts her feelings about you having a baby above yours.

And say that you were inflammatory on purpose yet dont like the responses.

What on earth do you want to hear?! What a pointless post!

SkyBluePearl · 24/01/2011 23:01

I think it's important you agree on having or not having children. If one person wants them and the other doesn't, then you shouldn't be together.

MollieO · 24/01/2011 23:09

Forgive me if you've answered this already. Did your dp leave his wife for you? If so then no wonder your step dd doesn't like you. On your timings he would have left his wife when his dd was 8 and his Ds was 6. His dd would have had a pretty good understanding of what happened (family being broken up) and viewed you as the cause (would he have left if he hadnt a long term friendship with someone keen to be his soulmate?). She would have wanted to protect her db and her mother too. A huge burden for such a young child.

You say you are always nice to her and she would never know how you feel. Sorry but unless you are a body language expert and can mask that what you say will be meaningless. Children can pick up body language intuitively in a way few adults can.

If I were you I would move on and find someone else to be the target of your affection.

MollieO · 24/01/2011 23:14

Just seen your latest post. You are apparently an adult and therefore should know that an eleven year old is a CHILD. Of course she is fallible but she doesn't need you to show her that she is. You are incredibly self centred and seemingly jealous of how much your dp cares about his dd. That relationship will never change. He doesn't want dcs with you. That is his decision and if he is saying that is what his dd says he is just trying to soften the blow. Save your perfection for someone else.