...to want to never, ever see my step-daughter again as long as I live?

[IrisMurdoch]

The worst thing is...my dp says he doesn't want kids with me because it would be 'too complicated' eg I've had my two kids so I'm OK and my daughter has also told me not to have any more kids! So instead of having a family of my own, I have to put up with his awful children for the rest of time. Anyone been in a similar plight and found a way through? Thanks so much, Iris. Sorry that I sound like a child-hating cow.

Totally agree, pagwatch.

'He goes mental at the idea that I don't want to spend every other weekend with him and his kids, rather than just calmly being able to talk about it.'

Wouldn't you if the situation was reversed? How calm would you be if he said he only wanted to see you and found your son intensely annoying and so did his friends and family? You seem completely unable to put yourself in anyone else's shoes here. And do you really want a man who would throw children overboard for you?

My Mum and Dad divorced when I was 2. When I was about 11 my Mum got into a very serious relationship with a bloke I didn't like - I think they were considering moving in together. I HATED him, I thought (and still think) that he was a slimy toad and my Mum could do much better. I was awful to him, because I didn't like him. I even had hte talk from him about how much he loved my Mum and how much he cared for me and my brother I basically told him I didn't like him and never would. He and my Mum split up. I still think I did the right thing - he was horrible.

Just trying to give another perspective

Sorry, Aussieng, I couldn't find anything on step-families. I don't use Mumsnet very much.

It may be uncomfortable reading but yes, I wish she didn't exist. Why wouldn't I when the situation is so unhappy? It's only wishful thinking. Obviously she does exist and I want to find a way through. Of course I am not thrilled about saying that or I wouldn't be posting on a website to a load of judgemental strangers. It's a really hard thing to say. I was once an 11-year-old girl, I would love to feel some affection for her. I just don't feel anything.

To the poster who suggested I might be jealous of their mother, I think that's an interesting idea. I'm not jealous though because it was quite a sad relationship that dp wanted to get out of for years. He feels he wasted her life and wishes he'd been bolder and left earlier. He wishes he hadn't had children with her, although of course doesn't regret having the kids. I feel the utmost sympathy for their mother who is now bearing the brunt of child-rearing whilst he does every other weekend. Sometimes you have children with the wrong people, don't you, and it's very sad for everyone, partic the kids.

I have suggested to dp that she needs some help. The first time, we had a huge row and split up. Then her teachers pointed out that she had some 'communication problems' and he accepted that. Her mother thinks she has no problem whatsoever and I think that is the most damaging thing in the world. It's not my job, as evil stepmother, to tell her how to behave, it's her mother and father's job. They are failing her, not me.
It IS my job, however, to tell my own child how to behave.

To the poster who suggested he didn't want a future with me, that is very much not true. He says I'm his soulmate and wishes we'd had a family together. I say we still can but he says his daughter will be too upset. So at least he's putting her needs first.
I will find a kinder forum to talk about this and thanks to those who have engaged with it and not just thrown abuse at me.

I would agree that if she literally has not looked anyone in the eye for years you should be concerned about her, it's a really extreme reaction and you can stand on your soapbox and shout that she's just a little so-and-so all you want... It's not going to change anything.

Maybe if you tried to find out what was wrong whether it was some kind if SEN/mental health issue or just that she is struggling to cope and help that would make a difference.

Not all children are particularly likeable. But they are children, they are reacting inarticulately to a difficult world, and they can change.

It's unfair and incredibly cruel that you have written her off like this.

That is why you're getting a pasting.

I'm not jealous though because it was quite a sad relationship that dp wanted to get out of for years. He feels he wasted her life and wishes he'd been bolder and left earlier. He wishes he hadn't had children with her, although of course doesn't regret having the kids.

Poor kid. In her eyes, you were responsible for splitting up her parents. No wonder she doesnt like you very much. :(

OP, here's a bit of perspective from the other side.

My SM has been very hostile to me at times, in very similar terms to the ones you've used to describe your DP's daughter. She has said she experiences me as manipulative, cold, unfriendly and hostile to her.

From where I was sitting, I was reserving judgement until I knew her a bit better. I was happy that dad had found someeone, but wanted to hold off from being all gushy and 'we're BFFs now'-ish until I had more of a sense of who she was. She interpreted that as mean, cold and hostile, the fights kicked off, it's unlikely that we'll ever be on more than chilly and formal terms now.

I suspect that stepmother/stepdaughter relationships are particularly fraught, perhaps because there's an element of competition: daddy's girl vs daddy's girlfriend. Your stepdaughter is also approaching puberty, which will kick that up another 18,000 gears.

I really wanted my SM to make an effort, get to know me, in effect win me over. She thought I should automatically love her, and kicked off with tantrums and name-calling when I didn't.

My circs were a bit different, as I was in my twenties when dad remarried. In this case you're the adult, and I'm afraid it's up to you to try and win this girl over. Please try and win her over. She's part of your DP's life just as you are, and I would hate for you to end up abandoning your relationship, or destroying a troubled adolescent's relationship with her Dad, just because you can't be the bigger person.

"To the poster who suggested I might be jealous of their mother,"

But she has the one thing that it looks like you´ll never have-his children.

Well good luck in finding a forum that will treat you more kindly for admitting that you wish your BF daughter didnt exist, that you never want to see her again and resent the effect she has on your life. I think you will struggle!

You are NOT her stepmother, you are her fathers girlfriend and that is a very different thing. You have no right to criticise him, her mother, their parenting or their daughter. If you were sharing your home with the girl by living with her father then you would have more of a say but as it stands, you have no say at all.

So I see it that you either put up with it to keep your relationship with her father, accepting that you will never have more children and probably wont live together or get married.

Or you cut your losses, accept that you differing views on this will never be reconciled and move on.

The "she did/I did" argument is redundant. Either you think you can sort this out, by you and your DP both compromising and working together or you dont. Personally, I think that it is unlikely given that he wont discuss it and you dont seem to be able to consider the childs needs over your own.

PLease please please try and give more love and support to his daughter.

I had 2 stepmothers when I was growing up - one between the ages of 4 and 11 and the other from 13 till now. The first one hated me - actually banned my Dad from seeing me - and he went along with it. She was horrible to me and did me untold emotional damage. No child deserves to be treated like that.

OP, I agree that it's a shame for your SD if you don't like her, though I do know that some kids are very difficult to like. I say that as a stepmother who loves her SD a lot, but it took a while.

However, some of you are laughable as you are just as bad, the level of spite and anger directed at a stranger on the internet is incredible.

diddl - But she has the one thing that it looks like you´ll never have-his children.
What a lovely person you sound, diddl! Your post oozes with spite and vitriol.

So many of you on mumsnet are just so sheltered and have so little experience of real life that you just sit at your PCs judging away, hurling spite at strangers - just not capable of understanding anything outside your limited range. Agree that OP is not coming across very well, but half of you are just as bad, so self righteous, that I've ended up feeling sorry for her.

Won't be back to read boring barrage of abuse that will likely follow...have better things to do! OP, go elsewhere, MN is the place to come for an argument, not understanding.

Iris - If you really wish she didn't exist, then this relationship is untenable (it certainly should be, from the father's POV)

OTOH, if reading some of this has helped you understand why this little girl is as she is, and to judge her less, then maybe there's a future for it.

My parents were divorced and both went on to remarry people with children.

My mum, although she doesn't love her stepchildren, has been a good stepmother as it's important to her husband who (she does love) that she is.

My dad, on the other hand, married a woman who would rub her hands together if had have been wiped off the face of the planet.

What's the result? Fast forward 15 years and my dad is and has been miserable since he married her. He has little family life as she won't allow it. His fault of course; he should have left the relationship at the point she showed signs of not letting him put his children first. Would you like to cause someone that much misery? My mum on the other hand has a fantastic life. Which do you want?

Oh and can I just add - I've been that 11-year-old-girl and it's an awful, awful, awful position to be in. My dad was effectively forced to choose his wife over his children...Don't be that woman.

Not true mango. Just unfortunate this post was put on AIBU, and OP put so little info. to begin with, which some people then projected there own assumptions onto

their assumptions!

Dump him and move on, he is not a lone person he comes with dcs, like them all or lump them.

'He says I'm his soulmate and wishes we'd had a family together. I say we still can but he says his daughter will be too upset. So at least he's putting her needs first.'

No, he's hiding behind her. He's not putting her needs first. The whole soulmate business is a sop to keep you happy. Same with the regret that you two don't have a family together, and the business about his feelings that his first partner wasn't right for him and a pity that he had children with the wrong woman. You want to wish this child away and he has got your measure by calling you his soulmate - magic appeals to you obviously.

He is hiding and throwing you cliches. He gets mad when you suggest keeping his children apart from you at weekends. You have already had one split up because of your issues with the children. You are driving him away. He will choose them one day, or you will 'win' him and he will abandon them.

I don't buy the sudden concern for any problems this child may have. The reference to the teacher's input came very late in the day imo.

'He wishes he hadn't had children with her, although of course doesn't regret having the kids.'
He is rejecting half of her DNA all the same, when he says this. The child of a father who regrets having anything to do with her mother will feel a lot of conflicting loyalties and will be acutely aware of the winds of rejection and negativity swirling around her. If you find some comfort in this sort of statement from him, you are revealing some jealousy of the child's mother. You cannot wish the mother away from the rosy picture either; despite the faults you enumerate, she is the mother of your DP's DD.

I suggested that you were jealous earlier, not of her mother, but of her, as a female with a rival claim on your DP's affections. You seem able to accept that his son has a claim on him and presumably he pays attention to his son while they're together. But woe betide the girl for having a claim on him.

To be fair Jamie, the assumptions have turned out to be mainly correct!

I do feel uncomfortable reading threads where someone gets an unjustified flaming, but in this case I think the pasting she has had has been quite mild compared to some, and certainly justified!

math - good post

Bogey - I know the assumptions were mainly correct in this case. I just think that sometimes, what happens on AIBU is that the OP gets flamed early on - gets all defensive, and then shuts out all the advice, when getting some more info from the OP early on might get better results.

I suggest he arranges to see his children without you.....if as it sounds his children are never likely to accept u as his new partner :) Hint cud have something to do with how he his making his childrens mother feel - why his children are behaving so horrid towards u. Hope u survive if thats what makes u happy being with a man that does not consider your needs and feelings..

I don't think you're going to find any sympathetic responses on ANY forum.
And, please, for the last time: you are her father's girlfriend NOT stepmother.

The more I read, the more I wonder if this is really anything to do with the DD at all but that you know that when a man says "I would love children with you but....." he is actually saying "I would love children but not with you"

He has kept you dangling for 3 years with platitudes and excuses and instead of calling him on it and asking for a full time commitement or he can sling his hook, you project your dislike onto the daughter he is using as an excuse. All that blah blah about his first wife sounds EXACTLY what a man who is married and having an affair would say! And always there is a silly woman prepared to believe that the reason he isnt with her full time is because life/wife/kids make it "complicated".

Are you perhaps coming to the realisation the (to quote a movie title) "He just isnt that into you"? and are blaming the child because its easier to believe him and blame her than blame him and leave?

Iris you have neatly skirted the question as to whether you played any part in the marriage breakup, did you?