to think that my aged parents have a much better quality of life than me and they could help me a bit more

[donkeyderby]

I do really need to know whether I am being unreasonable. I have three kids including a teenage son who has very severe learning disabilities. Life can be very difficult at times.

My parents are in their late 70's and enjoying life, which is great as my dad worked long and hard for many years (unlike my mum!). However, apart from sending the occasional cheque for a small but useful amount of money over the years (i.e., enough for a week's food shopping), they do not help.

I do not expect direct help - they would not manage my DS - but I would love it if they said 'your life is tough - is there anything we can do?' once in a while. My mother delights in telling me about all the things they have bought for their house and how funny it is that they have three toilets and four TV's between two, despite knowing full well that we are desperate for a second toilet/shower for DS and our caring duties mean that we are on low incomes.

The one time they did ask whether they could do anything, I asked them if we could use their lovely cottage once in a while as a weekend retreat when they are away. Silence ensued. Finally, a key was cut, but there have never been any invitations and a strong feeling that we would not be welcome.

I feel that I am having the sort of life that poor, elderly people have and they are having the sort of life that young, wealthy people have! I don't begrudge them a good life but I wish they wouldn't rub my nose in it

YA def not BU.

It sounds like a bit of sensitivity and empathy from your parents wouldn't go amiss.

I don't think you are asking for financial handouts. But it is quite likely that if they can afford a second home, they could probably afford to help you out far more.

People in their '70s often have the attitude of 'you've made your bed, you must lie in it' (what some people on this thread have referred to as your 'life style choice' ) without appreciating that their generation has had it financially very easy in comparisson to now (cheap council houses, good pensions and relative job security etc).

What did your dad work hard for if not to help out his family.

Don't even get me started on people who own second homes and keep them empty most of the year! Plus, it's not like your strangers in their property!

OP, I completely understand your situation, I too have 3 children, one of whom has a severe learning disability and it is hard bloody work.

My mum isn't even 50 yet and is very fit and healthy and after having a diabled daughter of her own, knows full well what a struggle everyday life can be. My mum works 3 days a week (and only for 4 hours a day) and has no other responsibilities and offers us no help whatsoever. I do not expect her to be at my beck and call or for her to offer us any financial help, however, I desperately wish that she would offer to babysit once in a blue moon so me and dh could have a little break. As it is, I had to beg her to look after my children so me and dh could attend his aunt's funeral a couple of weeks ago, and even then she insisted we came straight home and not go to the wake. (Sorry about that, needed to rant .

It sounds like you're wanting a similar level of help to me. I hate this "you've made your bed you should lie on it" kind of attitude. Families should be willing to help each other out once in a while, I know I would always try to help my family members if they were struggling.

As for use of their cottage, well I would just call and ask if they're using it this weekend and if not say "oh good, we'll pop along for a break then shall we, been really looking forward to using it since you gave us that key"

"As for use of their cottage, well I would just call and ask if they're using it this weekend"

It´s not a holiday cottage, it´s their home.

Op-I think you need to just ask for help or whatever it is you want.

I´m offered less help than my sister as I am seen as not needing it as much.

Because my husband is more capable than hers & I´m not a golf widow!

YANBU.

I'm sure a bit of tact and empathy from your parents would work wonders. My parents have been great in many ways since DS was born (I'm a lone parent), but I am trying to work out how to phrase the following in a tactful, non-offensive manner:

"Given the current economic climate,do you think it might not be a tad insensitive to boast about how you spend your winter fuel payment on wine, especially as I can't afford to buy fuel to keep DS and myself warm, and have to break my back pulling firewood out of the hedges while DS screams himself blue in the car?"

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread and from the few posts I have read it made it seem like a holiday cottage.

YANBU.

I think that some pensioner couples do like to live in a little self-satisfied bubble, going on holidays, out for lunch, doing their garden - and don't want to know or get involved in people's problems - even when it's within their own family. Dh and I joke (rather sadly) that the pil's motto is "A friend in need is a friend crossed off the Christmas card list."

My parents and in-laws would always let us stay in their house for a break if it was empty. And we have stayed at the in-laws house twice - once for a weekend break and once while major work was done on our flat.

Of course parents should let their responsible childrne stay at the house alone. I just cannot understand the mentality of someone who does not think that is ok.

Now that my own dds are a bit older, we sometimes go out for lunch and leave the dds at home. I will care about it even less when they are kind, responsible adults.

Save your breathe, stubborn, because all they'll do is regale you with tales about how hard they had it back in the day and how 'lucky' you are.

Hard one.

I know that if you were my DD, I would give you the shirt from back.

I have never understood parents who stand by and watch their children struggle just because they are now adults.

Indeed I just can't forsee any point in my children's lives when I won't want to offer help, be it emotional, practical or financial, whatever their situation.

But you know there's no point being resentful.

Your parents sound insensitive OP (much like a few of the posters on this thread). I would be more blunt in what you ask for, but keep your expectations low . Sorry you are going through this.