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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my aged parents have a much better quality of life than me and they could help me a bit more

162 replies

donkeyderby · 23/01/2011 12:08

I do really need to know whether I am being unreasonable. I have three kids including a teenage son who has very severe learning disabilities. Life can be very difficult at times.

My parents are in their late 70's and enjoying life, which is great as my dad worked long and hard for many years (unlike my mum!). However, apart from sending the occasional cheque for a small but useful amount of money over the years (i.e., enough for a week's food shopping), they do not help.

I do not expect direct help - they would not manage my DS - but I would love it if they said 'your life is tough - is there anything we can do?' once in a while. My mother delights in telling me about all the things they have bought for their house and how funny it is that they have three toilets and four TV's between two, despite knowing full well that we are desperate for a second toilet/shower for DS and our caring duties mean that we are on low incomes.

The one time they did ask whether they could do anything, I asked them if we could use their lovely cottage once in a while as a weekend retreat when they are away. Silence ensued. Finally, a key was cut, but there have never been any invitations and a strong feeling that we would not be welcome.

I feel that I am having the sort of life that poor, elderly people have and they are having the sort of life that young, wealthy people have! I don't begrudge them a good life but I wish they wouldn't rub my nose in it

OP posts:
Violethill · 23/01/2011 13:24

You sound very angry and resentful actually. Are you going to blame every one else in the world who, in your opinion, doesn't work as hard as you do? Hmm

kayah · 23/01/2011 13:26

have they been much around your child?

Original poster
donkeyderby · 23/01/2011 13:26

It is only a 'tragic misfortune' because there is not enough help out there.

Incidentally, if one of my parents had a stroke tomorrow, I would move mountains to get them the right help. If they didn't have a house, the care would come from the state so that is immaterial. why should I be pleased?

I am not a stranger asking to borrow the house, I am their daughter ffs! I lend my house out to friends and I've offered it to them. I'm not precious though

OP posts:
MommyMayhem · 23/01/2011 13:27

I truly believe that in general our parents' generation had it better than us. They had jobs for life, could afford to buy their own properties when relatively young, have good pensions... I just don't think they appreciate how difficult it is for our generation. So I can see where you are coming from. My PIL are the same.

I think you need to be very clear about what help you would like from them. It is possible that it just hasn't occurred to them.

PaisleyLeaf · 23/01/2011 13:27

I think posters meant it was your choice to have 3 children - not that you chose to have a disabled child,
Thank your lucky stars your parents are so independent just now.

Violethill · 23/01/2011 13:29

I disagree - I think it's a tragic misfortune regardless of how much money or help (or not) is thrown your way.

If you choose to lend out your home, that's fine - it doesn't give you the right to dictate that your parents should lend out theirs

Original poster
donkeyderby · 23/01/2011 13:30

If I just had three children with no disabilities, this wouldn't even be an issue paisley.

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 23/01/2011 13:32

Our parents generation did not have it better than us. They just didnt have the same expectations that we have, and most lived within their means, didnt have credit, and worked bloody hard, saving for a rainy day too.

YABU to expect your parents to support you financially. As for you using their "lovely cottage".. they have no doubt worked hard to create that lovely cottage, and I dont see why you would expect to use it when they are away..

Chandon · 23/01/2011 13:33

YABU

What allnightlong said.

Don't like the snide aside about your mum either.

kmac80 · 23/01/2011 13:33

derby.... I think there are a lot of insensitive posters on this thread. I cannot imagine how hard your life is, but I do support your post whole heartedly.

While it may be a "choice" to have children things don't always go to plan. Hell if my lifestyle was self chosen I'd be living in a house with an oven that worked! But that would just be selfish right ?!

pointydug · 23/01/2011 13:33

The main thing is, you need to stop these feelings of envy. It's a bad emotion, it gets you nowhere, it drags you down.

The only person who is responsible for you and your income is you. There's no point wishing a wealthier family member would help you out. You're putting a great strain on yourself.

One day, they might need to pay for care. One day they might leave it to you.

kmac80 · 23/01/2011 13:35

I also don't understand people who have holiday cottages etc and leave them empty when they could share the love with their family.....

mamatomany · 23/01/2011 13:35

Do you give them a hand around the house or with the garden, perhaps you cat or dog sit for them ?
It has to be a 2 way thing, that's the conclusion I've come to and since none of the grandparents do anything for us, we do the same Grin

onthepier · 23/01/2011 13:36

Your poor mum DONKDYDERBY, of course she worked hard, she brought you up and possibly other children too?

I sympathise with your situation but think your mum deserves a bit more credit!

pastadoble · 23/01/2011 13:37

YANBU. My child is only 6 but I can't imagine not wanting to give her financial, practical and emotional support if she needed it as an adult. Things seem tough for you, donkeyderby, and if your parents have sufficient money they should offer to help pay for, say, a shower room for your disabled son. And why would they not want their daughter to have a break in their home whilst they are away? Are you close enough to your parents to tell them just how difficult things are for you and that you need some help.

MommyMayhem · 23/01/2011 13:37

I could not bear to see my children struggling and not help them out. As it happens things are different in my family: my parents are both on benefits and living in a dingy council flat. We help them out financially all the time. That's what families do, isn't it?

pointydug · 23/01/2011 13:38

I assumed that donkey knows how hard her mum worked far better than any other posters on here.

Some people don;t work that hard in life.

Violethill · 23/01/2011 13:38

Yes, you could have three children with no disabilities. And then one could get seriously ill. Or have a terrible accident. Or you could. Or your partner. Or some other shit could happen. Because we are all at the mercy of fate. Pointydog is right - you need to stop looking at other people's lives and being envious- it will just eat you up

pointydug · 23/01/2011 13:40

And I would like to think I'd help out my children and try to give them a break every now and then.

I can fully understand why you get fed up with them.

kmac80 · 23/01/2011 13:43

I don't think it is a case of Derby being envious at all.
Isn't it a case of x needs help, y can help....?

BendyBob · 23/01/2011 13:54

Agree with pointy.

Poor DonkeyDerby sounds like she's got far too much on her plate to me Sad Some empathy from her parents isn't expecting too much imo.

undercovamutha · 23/01/2011 13:56

Normally on this type of thread I would definitely say YABU.

However, I think a lot of this is caught up with emotion IYSWIM, in that you can't understand why your own parents won't help you when you are struggling so much. YANBU to be upset about this - but I don't think its a money thing, or a holiday thing. Support can be in so many different ways, and it seems they are not giving much if any.

If I was in your situation OP, I would be upset about the lack of care and support shown, rather than the lack of money, time, holiday home.

kittybuttoon · 23/01/2011 13:59

What might happen if you just ASKED them outright for some financial help?

They're not mindreaders - if you want money for a new shower room, how are they supposed to know until you mention it?

Then at least they would have a chance to say 'yes' or 'no' and give their reasons.

I think you are being a little bit unfair to them, expecting them to know what your needs/wants/expectations are, unless you tell them.

You might be pleasantly surprised by their response?!

Or are you too 'proud' to ask? If they think this is the case, maybe they hesitate to offer?

Violethill · 23/01/2011 14:01

The parents ARE giving some support though- the op mentions cheques to the sum of a weeks shopping- thats pretty generous. And she said her parents cant manage her ds anyway, so they cant help directly there. It's difficult to see exactly what the op wants, other than to let off steam that she doesn't think life is fair.

MommyMayhem · 23/01/2011 14:02

I agree Kitty. I think it is quite possible it just hasn't occurred to them. Give them the benefit of the doubt and ask them outright for some help. I think asking them if they could pay for having a shower fitted is a great idea. If they can afford it.