to think that my aged parents have a much better quality of life than me and they could help me a bit more

[donkeyderby]

I do really need to know whether I am being unreasonable. I have three kids including a teenage son who has very severe learning disabilities. Life can be very difficult at times.

My parents are in their late 70's and enjoying life, which is great as my dad worked long and hard for many years (unlike my mum!). However, apart from sending the occasional cheque for a small but useful amount of money over the years (i.e., enough for a week's food shopping), they do not help.

I do not expect direct help - they would not manage my DS - but I would love it if they said 'your life is tough - is there anything we can do?' once in a while. My mother delights in telling me about all the things they have bought for their house and how funny it is that they have three toilets and four TV's between two, despite knowing full well that we are desperate for a second toilet/shower for DS and our caring duties mean that we are on low incomes.

The one time they did ask whether they could do anything, I asked them if we could use their lovely cottage once in a while as a weekend retreat when they are away. Silence ensued. Finally, a key was cut, but there have never been any invitations and a strong feeling that we would not be welcome.

I feel that I am having the sort of life that poor, elderly people have and they are having the sort of life that young, wealthy people have! I don't begrudge them a good life but I wish they wouldn't rub my nose in it

Perhaps it´s not so much that OP´s parents don´t help-more that they don´t seem interested?

Completely agree with you Mamatomany.

I'm trying my best not to be bitter about it.

Donkeyderby.

I sypathise with you and your situation, but I think you have to make the most of the parents you have got. Once they have gone you can't get them back.

With regards to the cottage - they cut you a key so they can't really be saying they don't want you to use it, after all they could have just told you to ask for a key when you needed one.

Ring them up and tell them you would like to use the cottage on X date, give them a few weeks notice but not too many and see how that pans out. Don't rely on a "strong feeling you would not be welcome" as if that were the case they wouldn't have cut you the key.

Can't believe people have been giving you such a hard time ! I have three kids and even without any SN and I empathise with what you're saying.

I think it's the child part of us that still enjoys being looked after by our parents, even as independent adults ! There is nothing wrong with that - in fact it is quite healthy IMO, as long as it doesn't dominate or define our relationship with them.
I'd love it if my parents offered to help out more, or to say 'good job', but it's almost like they've forgotten how difficult these early years can be.

I'm logging all these things down though, so that in 30 years I can encourage my boys to be the best Dads that they can.

But I do agree with other posters who say things about accepting your parents where they are at. I had to do that with my inlaws who are quite tricky - accepting what they were rather than reacting to what they weren't really helped.

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP. But, far from the perfect relationship, I would think I could say "Mum when will you not be at the cottage?" Ok, I will be there then.
We are poor tho and generally share all we have. Think I will be the same with my own children.

I don't think YABU to feel aggrieved by this. On a thread a few days ago about inheritance, the majority of posters thought it was reasonable to inherit money from your parents so I am a little confused as to why so many think you should not hope (not expect, hope) for more help now. My parents are by no means well off but often do little things for us like a bulk box of nappies when they were in Costco or paying for lunch when we are out. If they had the money to help us with bigger things I know they would and I would probably feel a bit if they made a big deal of their luxuries knowing I have a tough time. Haven't read all the thread but assuming they DO know the magnitude of your difficulties, I would be a little more up front about asking them directly and explaining how it would make your life easier.

I read the title and thought yabu.

Then I heard you had a disabled child.

I can't understand how anyone can think it's OK for grandparents to behave the way the OP's parents are.

Even if it was one of my siblings who had a child with such disabilities I would do everything in my power to help them and give them a break whenever I could - and if that meant paying someone else to take care of them occasionally then I would do that, even if it meant doing without a little bit. Let alone if it was one if my children!

I really dislike the way most people on here seem to think that no one owes anyone in their family anything once they are grown up- it completely goes against my whole concept of family.

Explains why so many people end up dying alone and miserable in nursing homes, I guess. Horrible way to live though. :(

donkeyderby -lots of viewpoints to consider..

However, comments such as

"I think you have to make the most of the parents you have got" *sounds good doesn't it? But it really depends on the parents you have been given.

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear

To echo AF your parents sound detached at best. Maybe they are making judgements about the "success" of your life- not ones that I share, I hasten to add, but their values seem to be rooted in the monetary, and therefore, understandably, you evaluate their lack of involvement by their chosen "currency".

Either way, it doesn't sound like they are part of "team donkey derby

IMO 'tis piss poor

Sadly our parents do not always live up to our ideals, however this is life and we need to accept them for what they are or it will only eat at us and we have enough to do without getting stressed over the fact that they gave up parenting when we left home.
They have worked and earnt their retirement, yes it may be selfish but is still their choice.
I am sad this makes life difficult for you but don't let their shortcomings make you bitter you need your energies to care for your DS.

Oh donkeyderby - you've had an unfair time of it on this thread. YANBU to want some extra help, whoever it comes from.

For those of you without a disabled child - do you have any idea of exactly how much more everything costs if you have a child with SN?

For example childcare is either unavailable or phenomenally expensive if your child has severe or profound LDs. Being in control of your income is a LOT harder if you can't find anyone someone to care for your child whilst you go to work.

Equipment is stupidly expensive too - something as simple as an adapted single bed costs 6 times more than an IKEA single bed costs.

I'm not saying that DD's parents should cough up money, but I can totally understand how she might want help in a different form, for example the loan of the cottage for a holiday.

As for the poster who thinks those of us who go onto have more children following a first dc who is disabled have made our own beds to lie in and that we should never find it tough - have a on me.

yanbu.
IMO parents still have a duty to their adult children and grandchildren and should, if they are able, help out - financially or with support - particularly in the op's circumstances.

I fully intend to help my children throughout their lives if they need/want me to (even more so if they become carers for thier own kids) and I find it hard to understand why parents wouldn't feel this way and want to help out.

for those giving op a hard time, would you leave your ds/dd to cope alone with a special needs child if you could help them?

I don't actually think we should make the most of our parents and accept them for what they are. Not regardless of anything else. Why would anyone want to know these people? They sound awful.

Thanks again for those who have been so supportive. I'm glad I posted on here as you get the whole range of opinions and there will be people who think I am being unreasonable which is what I need to consider. *Hecate is right - it is more than just material goods, it is the emotional connection between me and my parents which has never been great.

I think my parents are a product of their generation and class and upbringing and are probably are doing what they consider best. My mother's most brilliant quote was: 'if we expressed our emotions all the time, we would be like the Italians and that would be no good at all'. It kind of says it all.

I have taken on board the criticisms and I will try and get on better with them as I know full well that it is too late when they are dead and sewer you are right, it will eat me up. However, I won't expect much from them in return, but I will ask them outright for the cottage when they go away next.

ps I wouldn't dream of taking my disabled son to the cottage. It's meant to be a break ffs!!!

EAch family has it's own dynamic I guess.

I'm sorry that the op is struggling.

I'm from a partly asian background and partly english one - my english one (as much as I love them) gives me very little in the way of practical support (even though they could) but my asian parent would give me the shirt of their back and I reciprocate this completely.They view their granchild as their own child and they want the best for them. My english parent wants me to give the best for their grandchild. Different attitudes.

I've financially supported one of my parents in the past and they've helped me out in recent years with the birth of ds etc but to my mind I find this a bit hard and I'm a bit of a stiff upper lip person.

Honestly depends. But in op's case do the parents really understand their own child's difficulties? Is it a communication problem.

My very supportive parent is now in a very different place - she's off on an extended trip to the other side of the world. I've just struggled to book the cheapest deal I could find in the UK for ds (and at ds's age I'd travelled extensively). But I do not have big issues with that at all.

Older generation were able to achieve things that we struggle to give.

Just hope that OP can get the support she needs.

When I was seriously I'll with cancer in my early 30s, my parents turned their lives upside down to support me financially and emotionally during the 3 years it took me to fight the disease and recover. The emotional support was the most important to me and their unasked for and unconditional support gave me the push I needed to keep going. Maybe it's a cultural thing (I''m Indian and most Indian families I know support one another in infinite ways right into independent adulthood) but I will support my DD to the end of my life whenever she needs it.

However, at the same time I truly believe that a) OP you need to have a heart to heart with your parents to explain how you really feel (perhaps a letter) then b) Let it go.

YANBU but you need to let it go.

Is it U to accept help from your parents? - No
Is it U to want help from your parents? - No
Is it U to expect help from your parents? - This surely is the real question. I'm not sure I know what the answer is. I'm very grateful for having brilliantly supportive parents who do tonnes for me, but I'd like to think I can see that it's voluntary.

For what it's worth, I think it's unreasonable to expect them to mind read and offer exactly what you need. Maybe next time they're telling you about the great holiday they've had or the fantastic meal they've enjoyed you could say "I'm glad you've had a lovely holiday/meal, my week's been miserable", then go on to identify a particular problem and what would help. That doesn't mean you have to ask for it, but surely you could say "an extra shower would make life so much easier so we're saving up for it but it's going to take ages".

My DM is brilliant at telling us how she coped without any help at all when we were growing up, as a way of justifying why she did nothing for anyone else in the family any longer.

I then pointed out a few small details, for example that pretty much every day after school when she was growing up, a very loving grandmother had looked after her, fed her and nurtured her to give her mum a bit of help.

How other mothers locally when I was growing up took us in and gave us our tea and so on so she could do her degree.

How my dad was able to take us to and from school and so on so she didn't get too worn out.

How she was able to work part-time for most of her career, to have a bit of time for herself.

Then I pointed out we both work full time, have long commutes, have to use expensive childcare, have to live in an area of high housing costs because of our work, and so on. I then asked her whether she thought she might owe anything to the next couple of generations, in response to the kindnesses she had received in her own life.

She looked puzzled and said, "No".

For me that's the baby boomer generation all over. They will spend all their money on fun and then pass laws so the next generation us kegally obliged to care for them and pay for their nursing homes (as is the case in Germany).

Just watch.

The cynic in me tends to agree with you, boff.

And I think writing a letter is a very bad idea.

You dnot come across as greedy or grabbing op, you are having a hard time and it is not unreasonable of you to think that your parents could be more helpful

If you were my daughter I would be doing all I could to help - why don't you just ask them for more help or say how you feel?

That was you 'do not' by the way!

Donkeyderby, you must be a very nice and proud person, not to ever push your parents and not to ask them directly for more financial help. You could at least drop hints at every opportunity.

Use your key and don't worry about their sour faces, they'll be able to afford a cleaner if the cottage has to be immaculate.

Sharing ones wealth with those less fortunate is everybody's responsibility. That's what taxes are for, among other things. It is not unreasonable to expect parents to help a child, even a grown up, especially when there is such a huge gap in wealth and children are involved.

I agree with giveitago.

My maternal great-grandfather's family was East Asian and over the generations have paid school fees for each other and have really got each other's backs. There would be NO QUESTION that OP would get financial help before money was squandered on more TVs or bathrooms than there are people in the house.

The other side of the family is Anglo, and closer to a lot of what I see on here - people who believe you are being utterly, utterly unreasonable if you think that perhaps a holiday or a cleaner or something that would make a real difference to someone in a hugely difficult situation would be a better way to spend money than spunking it around Comet or the fucking Maldives.

I prefer the Asian way, and I will raise my children in that tradition. It doesn't come down to who earned the money, it comes down to who needs it.

OP is buckling. I have seen Riven complain about her ILs and their lack of support, without getting a pasting.

Actually, I don't think YABU.

Its become a strange part of British culture that families have become so cut off from helping each other. My OH is Nigerian, over there, for example, when a woman has a baby, all she has to do for the first few weeks is to breastfeed her baby, she has no other responsibilities other than that. One or more of the other family female members will stay with her to take over the cooking, housework and anything else that needs doing. When I had my DD, his family in Nigeria were asking, 'who is staying with you', when they found out we didn't have any help, they thought we were very brave. Also, depression is relatively unheard over there, people will look after you if you're feeling unhappy, even if its just a neighbour.

So I fully sympathise with you,.

YANBU to expect some love and consideration from your own mum and dad. My dad was given a little money for his retirement, he helped me whenever he could but I would never have taken a penny had he been hard up. Then when he died, he left me a small nest egg which we spent on things like essential repairs on the house, bought a second hand car etc. Now we are still benefiting from those things, I see it as his way of giving something to his grandchildren as well (who he never lived to see). Had he had more money, he would have given it to me or to charity or both, he was a generous kind man (although he had his unsaintly moments!)

Now, DH and I plan for our children's future, not ours, in the hope that if they want to go to uni or whatever, we can support them. I hope that doesn't mean selling our house or going into a cheaper property, but it might. I'd do anything for them. If you were my child, with or without a SN grandchild, I'd do everything possible for you. I thought that was the deal.

Sorry it hasn't worked out like that for you, I am not sure if you should ask them, I would TBH, but YA definitely NBU in feeling like this.