to think that my aged parents have a much better quality of life than me and they could help me a bit more

[donkeyderby]

I do really need to know whether I am being unreasonable. I have three kids including a teenage son who has very severe learning disabilities. Life can be very difficult at times.

My parents are in their late 70's and enjoying life, which is great as my dad worked long and hard for many years (unlike my mum!). However, apart from sending the occasional cheque for a small but useful amount of money over the years (i.e., enough for a week's food shopping), they do not help.

I do not expect direct help - they would not manage my DS - but I would love it if they said 'your life is tough - is there anything we can do?' once in a while. My mother delights in telling me about all the things they have bought for their house and how funny it is that they have three toilets and four TV's between two, despite knowing full well that we are desperate for a second toilet/shower for DS and our caring duties mean that we are on low incomes.

The one time they did ask whether they could do anything, I asked them if we could use their lovely cottage once in a while as a weekend retreat when they are away. Silence ensued. Finally, a key was cut, but there have never been any invitations and a strong feeling that we would not be welcome.

I feel that I am having the sort of life that poor, elderly people have and they are having the sort of life that young, wealthy people have! I don't begrudge them a good life but I wish they wouldn't rub my nose in it

YANBU but rather than waiting for them to take the initiative, just ask. Be clever about it so it's tough for them to say no... "What are you up to this weekend?" "Nothing much" "Then you won't mind babysitting whilst we go out to the theatre. Thanks"... etc.

You sound jealous, they have worked hard for what they have, you come across in your first few paragraphs as if you think that you are entitled to all that they have earned and they should be financing you more.

Sorry, parents should not have to do that.

We make our own lives, we make our own beds and we have to live in them.

I think they are being insensitive.

Next time your mum is telling you about the number of bathrooms or their next holiday, maybe you need to tell her that you don't want to hear it as it only reminds you of what you don't have...

If they've worked hard then nobody should begrudge them a decent retirement but it does sound like they could do more for their grandchildren.

YABU but understandably so. Your parents have no responsibility for you or your children. Life may have been very tough for them in earlier years and they are just so relieved that it is not a worry any more. However, doesn't make your situation any easier.

You are having the sort of life that many people have, and they are enjoying the sort of life that many people do. Others are more or less fortunate and that's life.

No help at all really, but when they offer to help, pin them down to practical help with a date and time.

Why don't you ask them directly - and I mean for something specific like 'any chance you could babysit tonight so we can go out? / can we come to stay at yours this weekend when you are away / etc' rather than general stuff without giving a specific date? Easier to pin them down then I think.

However they have worked hard for what they now have and you have chosen to live the life you do (including the sacrifices which you have made for your children) and its not reasonable to begrudge them because of this. I am not saying its not hard - I find it hard enough with only 2 children who have no special needs - but at the end of the day your parents may feel that they have done their child rearing and want to enjoy themselves now

In a nut shell you want your parents to give you money. I can see both sides as you are struggling and see them with plenty but on the other hand they are old and may one day soon need to pay for care for themselves.

You say your dad has worked hard all his life but i dont understand the unlike your mum comment as surely even if she has never worked outside the home she has worked hard bringing up the family and keeping your fathers house or our sahm's of no value.

If you don't expect direct help, what is it that you expect? Is it that you would like words of encouragement once in a while and recognition of the difficulties you are dealing with? If so, maybe mention that to them.
You do say they are send occasional cheques to help out, so it's not as if they are ignoring your situation and perhaps that's all they feel they can manage given that they are in their late 70s. Do you ever ask if they need anything? Perhaps they paint a rosy picture of their lives so that you won't worry about them in addition to what they see as you having enough to worry about.
Perhaps you are not getting the full picture oof the details of their lives.

YANBU...
I've been thinking along similar lines since our boy came into the world and we have been struggling big time financially. Our car is 15 yrs old and looks like it has just come from the wreckers and we rent a shabby run down cottage. Recently we couldn't afford rent as my partner lost his job just before Xmas.

My gripe however is about my mil not helping not parents. She is very well off, has properties, takes overseas trips regularly and has never worked. My parents are not and it was them who offered money for rent and to survive this month.

I agree that it is not the role of our elderly parents to spend their hard earned money on their children and grandchildren but when needed they are still parents who should support their kids no matter what.

YANBU to ask that they don't rub your face in it, and YANBU to feel hurt that they don't make you feel welcome in their home.

But YABU if you expect them to help you financially. They probably feel that they gave you the best start they could, and what happens after that is your responsibility. Rightly so. You sound ungrateful for that occasional cheque, and as if you expect them to ask how thay could help with financial means. They have no obligation to do that unless you are in serious trouble. Struggling a bit is not enough to warrant their help, although I think if you really were desparate and they knew about it, they should help you.

Are you a single parent or do you have a partner to help you?

If you have a partner then perhaps your parents think that he should be the one providing your income, not them. They may also think that offering you money would be seen as insulting eg insinuating that your OH cannot support his family.

If things are really that tough then perhaps you should sit down with them and talk about it. Maybe they simply don't realise how hard things are for you?

I'm afraid I think YABU...

"My parents are in their late 70's and enjoying life, which is great as my dad worked long and hard for many years (unlike my mum!)."

Did your Mum not raise you and your siblings (if you have any). You sound jealous of your parents, they deserve it...

Having said that if I were desperate for help I would ask my parents outright, rather than feel bitter and twisted.

Yabu, not many parents give the type of support you seem to want (I.e money),

Yanbu to be annoyed at their insensitivity, but I think being tactless can be generational. They have moved on from dealing with a young family and have forgotten.

My mil has many times phoned us from some balmy holiday to tell us how much we'd be sure to enjoy it and should go there too.

Those phonecalls always seemed to come at the most hellish moments of not coping and worrying about money. I could cheerfully have throttled her many times tbh

YABU - its not their responsibility to create the lifestyle you want

YABU about your parents not helping out, your an adult!
And YABVU about 'my dad worked long and hard for many years (unlike my mum!)'
If your dad wasn't around much I bet a lot of the childcare and housekeeping fell to her!
With that sort of attitude I'm suprised they even send the occasional check.

FOr goodness sakes, you sound so mean. Your children, your choice. I have 4 kids, two of whom have major medical probs and the other two are only 2 and 4 months - I don't have any parents alive and only a Grand mother and Father in law who are old. My family, my choice to have them and my responsibility.

Your parents are in their late seventies and your sense of entitlement is dreadful, you should be very grateful you have well and happy parents who are able to be self sufficient and not rely on you for help. They do help you with cheques which is generous. Get a grip.

YABU, and should focus on improving your own life rather than sniping about others, who have, by your own admission, worked hard.

I'd agree that to expect money is unreasonable, but to me there's more of a feel of them not being supportive or empathetic. Their reaction to the request to use the cottage for example. I think that if they were being more empathetic (or is it empathic?) then the money thing wouldn't seem so big to you.

YAB(a bit)U to want them to help financially, but YANBU to feel annoyed that they are tactless.

I think it is only recently that there has been the idea that parents should provide financial help to children who have families of their own. Obviously very wealthy families have always done so, but not for the majority. However, I think the reasons why they don't provide help are probably cultural and generational reasons.

I agree that they probably assume that your husband earns enough to support you and that to give larger sums of money might be insulting or patronising. It used to be that once a daughter married then her welfare was then the responsibility of her husband. Obviously, I know that they are not Victorians, but a bit of that idea probably still remains.

They are also unlikely to be up to date with current property costs or salary levels, so probably don't realise the extent to which you are struggling.

HOwever, I don't think they are being unreasonable to say no to you being in their house while they are away - many people wouldn't be comfortable with that.

Maybe try to be more upfront about how difficult things are for you?

How about asking for your two younger children to go to stay with them for a short break?

I didn't chose to have a severely disabled, doubly incontinent, challenging, sleep disordered child who hits us and scratches us and headbutts us because he doesn't understand what he is doing. What a fucking cheek to those who suggest I am demanding that my parents fund a lifestyle choice. Do you think Riven Vincent is just whinging because of a lifestyle choice?

I'm not after them for their money. If they offered to help financially, I'd love it because it would be so helpful. However, my request to have a break - once a year at most - in their cottage was what I asked for. Is that so unreasonable?

Sorry if I come across as greedy and grabbing. Just ask yourselves, if your children - and it is always possible - have a child with severe disabilities that turns their lives upside down, would you boast about all the lovely things you can afford for yourself, or would you do all in your power to help. I know I would move mountains to help my DD if she ever became a parent-carer - it wouldn't occur to me to do anything else

I wonder how much do they know about your day to day life?
do you invite them to come for lunch often?

I think you should also count your blessings that your parents are still independant, active and having a good quality of life in their late 70s so that they are not dependant on you(or leaving you feeling guilty that you can't help them more).

And if caring for a severely disabled child round the clock who doesn't sleep and needs 24 hour supervision isn't working hard, I don't know what is. My parents have never worked as hard as me because they have never been in my situation

yes i do invite them for lunch but I usually have to wait until DS is on respite as he can't cope with people in the house for a prolonged period.

No one said it was a choice to have a child with a disability. It's a tragic misfortune which could befall anyone. As could countless other misfortunes. One of your parents could have a stroke tomorrow and end up needing 24 hour care - and you may actually feel grateful then that they have a nice home, paid for through your father's hard graft, which they would then probably have to sell to fund the care needed!

If you're not after their money, then it's a very strange way of saying that, in your OP. And many people wouldn't necessarily be happy to hand their home over for a weekend. Nice if they do, but it's not something you can expect.