to think that my aged parents have a much better quality of life than me and they could help me a bit more

[donkeyderby]

I do really need to know whether I am being unreasonable. I have three kids including a teenage son who has very severe learning disabilities. Life can be very difficult at times.

My parents are in their late 70's and enjoying life, which is great as my dad worked long and hard for many years (unlike my mum!). However, apart from sending the occasional cheque for a small but useful amount of money over the years (i.e., enough for a week's food shopping), they do not help.

I do not expect direct help - they would not manage my DS - but I would love it if they said 'your life is tough - is there anything we can do?' once in a while. My mother delights in telling me about all the things they have bought for their house and how funny it is that they have three toilets and four TV's between two, despite knowing full well that we are desperate for a second toilet/shower for DS and our caring duties mean that we are on low incomes.

The one time they did ask whether they could do anything, I asked them if we could use their lovely cottage once in a while as a weekend retreat when they are away. Silence ensued. Finally, a key was cut, but there have never been any invitations and a strong feeling that we would not be welcome.

I feel that I am having the sort of life that poor, elderly people have and they are having the sort of life that young, wealthy people have! I don't begrudge them a good life but I wish they wouldn't rub my nose in it

That culture of family support has a big mutual pay-off.

We have got help from my family at various points over the years; nothing from his.

If all four of our parents simultaneously needed residential care, it wouldn't even be a question (either with me or DH) which set could move in with us and which set had better get out the Yellow Pages and look under Care Homes.

I think it's sad that your parents don't WANT to help you more. That plus the tactlessness of telling you about what they have when they know you don't have these things.

I would hope that when any of my dcs have families of their own that I would do anything to help out if necessary. I can't imagine it being any other way.

So, no I don't think YABU.

YANBU.

I have received some practical and a little financial support off my parents this year for things for my children as things have got quite difficult (although nothing compared to your situation).

More than the positive practical impact it has had on the children, it has had a huge emotional impact on me. It makes me feel that somebody else cares about my children. Feeling that you are the only person who wants to help your child is a heavy burden to carry, and even more so if your child is disabled. It seems as if a lot of carers are in your position OP

I think the view some posters have about a child being entirely the responsibility of their parents is a very destructive one in our society. It comes up a lot on MN though. All the threads about schools closing due to snow showed that many people on MN have no friends or neighbours to share childcare with.

I hope that things work out for you and that you get the support you deserve.

My parents had no help at all from their parents. My dad was very detached from his family and my mum's parents didn't approve of my dad and refused to even let him in their house. My parents tell me how unfair their parents were and how hard it was.

But my parents give very little help. Very occasional babysitting. They do buy smart clothes for the kids as presesnts when they go away on holiday. Not belittling this help, but their view is very much they are your children so your rewsponsibility.

Unlike many posters, many of my friends have got lots of help from family from practical such as helping with DIY to financial.

I think its sad your parents don't want to support you more; but I doubt you can do much about it. Although if you haven't shown it, maybe show how much you do struggle. Maybe they think you are doing okay and don't really need any help? But if not, I think you just need to accept this is how it is.

I have mixed feelings about this. I do think it's sad that they don't want to help out more BUT they should be able to enjoy their retirement. No reason why they can't do both.

They can do both. It is not an either/or situation. I am not asking them to give me their house, their savings or their time. Just a loan of their house when they are away when it would otherwise be empty. Because that would make a lovely weekend break for me and, hell, I deserve it. I wish they would offer it willingly and happily, but they don't and they won't. I have to live with that and stop it eating me up.

Ninedragons and others - really good posts re different cultures. I find the current babyboomer thinking pretty terrifying and short-sighted tbh. Definitely a new phenomenon to think that you owe no responsibilities to your adult children or extended family.

I realise how fortunate I am that in my family time and money is seen as belonging to the whole family - it goes to those who need it most, who repay it as and when they can. Family duty and all that.

Donkeyderby - I'm so sorry to hear your parents aren't offering to help more. You can't change other people but I hope you can at least find the strength to be more assertive and request what you need - help, time at their cottage, etc.

Oh-you want to be in their actual house when they´re not there?

Can see why they´re not keen on that tbh.

Thought it was a holiday home that you were talking about.

Would it be just you to have a break/catch up on sleep or all the family?

Yes, their actual house while they are not there. I am someone who is happy for friends and family to stay in my actual house while I am not here - better than leave an empty house as long as they look after it. As I said before, I am not precious - I like to share where I can and I would love for other people to enjoy my house.

Like you though, diddl, I strongly suspect that they are unhappy with this idea, so I haven't pushed it beyond my initial request. I have received a letter today from my mother saying they are going away on a certain date and no invitation, something that has been going on for years. I am going to write back and suggest we lay our cards on the table about this one and just ask her outright whether she thinks it's an unreasonable request.

Oh, and it would be a break for the family minus my SN son (that wouldn't be a break).

They lent their previous house out to a group of women who were studying for some exams once. A friend's daughter and her friends. They barely knew them. Why is it ok for a group of strangers but not family?

sounds really touh, donkeyderby, i don't think yabu. if it was my mother, i would ask and we would talk about whether she wanted to help (with no automatic assumption that she would). however, we do not see family members struggle in this family. all for one and one for all etc. so i would be hurt in your position.

"Why is it ok for a group of strangers but not family?"

Did they pay rent?

Well it´s an odd thing to me as we are all abroad so visit people when were are there.

We have to pay to stay in rented as no one´s house is big enough to stay in.

When my Dad goes away he makes this big thing of switching everyting off & locking up.

I don´t think he´d let me stay there tbh.

I think you are in an unusual position of wanting to "take a break" at your parents when they are not there.

But doesn´t seem unreasonable-are your other children very young?

They don't have to give you money, or help out, or lend you their cottage even for one weekend a year, no.

But, but, but.....I can't help feeling that there is something wrong, or if you like, unreasonable, about not wanting to offer support to your children and grandchildren when it's clearly needed and welcome. And when difficult times come to your family -such as accident, or disability, or illness or whatever - you do more don't you? Because you love them.

OP I don't think you are BU. Can't imagine being so disconnected from my darling boys that I would behave like this.

To be honest I have been there where you are OP and so I think that YANBU.

No matter what your circumstances are, life can be tough sometimes and you kind of resent it if the closest people to you, ie your family, don't help. It feels like your whole communication system has broken down, when you're sinking and your closest and dearest just don't see it or choose to carry on as normal, letting you drown without lending a hand.

We have gone through some really tough times and we've given up on help as it's not there and we've learnt that if it is given unwillingly it makes things even harder. And in a way it is better to just accept the situation as it is and carry on as otherwise you end up bitter.

I have vowed that I will never ever let my own children down in this way as it would make me a horribly selfish person and that's not what I aspire to be!

I really feel for you OP, I would be very hurt if my parents behaved like that. I don't think you are at all unreasonable to want more support and I'm sorry that they can't/won't give it. FWIW my mum lets us use her house for holidays as they live in a very lovely part of England, so I don't think it is a strange thing to request.

On more of a baby boomer tangent, my very comfortably off dad (parents are divorced) will sit in front of us and tell use how he doesn't need winter fuel allowance, free travel etc and is planning to spend all his money on big parties. It does piss me off. He did work hard, but he also got lucky and I find his gloating pretty insensitive. I wouldn't dream of asking him for money btw.

Ah, OP, you poor bugger.

This has been bothering me all day.

I look at my three-year-old when she is sleeping and like everyone on here, I would step in front of a bullet for her without thinking.

Why would I feel any differently about her when she is 30?

I would sell my house and everything I owned to make sure she had help in circumstances like yours, OP.

These posts about enjoying their retirement mystify me - how could you enjoy ANYTHING knowing your DD was under such strain?

I thought it was a holiday home too you were talking about but as its their actual home I can see why they may not want too.

As for expecting financial or other help, I dont think you can expect it. They raised you for 18 years at least and want to enjoy their retirement after working hard for many years, I dont think its too much to ask.

YANBU to wish they helped a little with their grandchildren but we dont know the relationship they have with them and how often you visit etc.

On a side note, never understood why the lack of childcare/financial help from parents to their adult children would mean the adults would not want to look after their parents in old age. Its like raising them wasnt enough and they expect more even though fully adult.

YANBU. I'm sorry they are not giving you more support but it doesn't sound like they will change. We are currently supporting our FIL financially which has put an enormous strain on us and it is quite hard to hear about MIL's latest purchases including cosmetic surgery without wondering why she can't help us out a little. They are divorced btw.

They don't sound very supportive, Donkey and you sound exhausted.

Grit your teeth and think of the inheritance?

Donkey, I haven't read this whole thread but I think you've been unfairly pounced on by people who have no idea how hard it is to deal with a child who has severe needs (I can't cope with my two NT kids, so I've no idea how you do it...).

I think your parents sound quite insensitive and you are NOT being unreasonable. True, parents have no obligation towards their adult children, but my two kids will always be my kids and I'd go without myself in order to make sure they were comfortable.

I'm guessing those who flame you for thinking otherwise are going to tell their kids to 'fuck off' if they ever see them struggling, yes??

Is this a babyboomer thing? Just thinking?

I don't have any family myself but my inlaws live nearby. They offer NOTHING unless we specifically ask - I've told MIL 'I'm struggling here' and admitted to having PND but it makes no difference.

They also go on lots of foreign holidays and gloat about it. They didn't help towards our wedding in any way, practically or inancially - not a single penny - and then they complained about not knowing the specific details of the day.

My BIL and SIL have recently separated. They have a 3 year old son and have also had no support from them. They asked MIL/FIL to look after their boy for one night so they could go to a (child free) wedding. In lawas refused, saying 'He doesn't know us'.

Chicken and egg, love.

Haven't read all thread, but know where you're coming from.

There are many very wealthy retired people today who have been lucky with good pensions and favourable house prices.

My dad worked in the same job for 30 years, but did nothing like the stupid hours my dh does now. And my dad retired on a really decent pension - public sector.

I would feel it if I were you. I look at my SIL and have these thoughts sometimes. She's struggled all her life and has nothing, despite always working at least one and sometimes two jobs. She has poor health and a bleak future ahead of her with a tiny pension. Meanwhile my MIL and FIL go on 5 holidays and one cruise a year. MIL's hobby is shopping. Both FIL and MIL have good public sector pensions, paid their mortgage off early and MIL had an inheritance which she's spent mainly at M&S in the past few years.

I can't help raising an eyebrow when one family member (who they have a close, loving relationship) is living in near poverty while another spunks money like it's going out of fashion.

YANBU - I can't imagine seeing my children struggling in a few years time and not helping if I had the means. I don't think you ever stop being a parent and having responsibility to the people you brought into the world. It's what family is all about.

Plus - its not true that few parents help their children financially. It is pretty much the only way first time buyers buy a house these days

Still, these things go both ways. Are you supportive, kind and appreciative to them?

Perhaps they just see you as managing fine and don't realise that things are difficult?

They can have it both - they sound far well heeled than my dm. She's got a great lifestyle now but I helped out heaps financially when younger - it wasn't a great time to be doing but she's my mum and I never wanted her to suffer if I could help. Last year we had a financial problem and she lent us money when she should have had her very old boiler replaced. That's amazing of her and I think of it every day and now I'm back working I'm paying her back (she doesn't want it but she does need it actually).

OP - if you were my daughter I'd certainly help with the stuff you're asking and I don't have half as financial security as your parents. I've been away and let friends and family stay over if they've needed a place - why not - no skin off my nose at all. A simple and free thing to do.

I loathe mutual dependency (my dh's family are like this) but your case is so very different - they have - you're struggling - why can't they help - this is their daughter and grandchildren they would be helping.

OP - I suggest you lay your cards on the table re. your difficulties as they may have little idea (or have a touch of burying their heads in the sand) - you are not asking for the shirt of their backs - you're asking for a bit of a helping hand. That's not unreasonable at all.

A couple of darker thoughts occurred to me this morning. It may be that they don't actually like you, or resent the fact that you have given them a less than perfect grandchild??