to think that my aged parents have a much better quality of life than me and they could help me a bit more

[donkeyderby]

I do really need to know whether I am being unreasonable. I have three kids including a teenage son who has very severe learning disabilities. Life can be very difficult at times.

My parents are in their late 70's and enjoying life, which is great as my dad worked long and hard for many years (unlike my mum!). However, apart from sending the occasional cheque for a small but useful amount of money over the years (i.e., enough for a week's food shopping), they do not help.

I do not expect direct help - they would not manage my DS - but I would love it if they said 'your life is tough - is there anything we can do?' once in a while. My mother delights in telling me about all the things they have bought for their house and how funny it is that they have three toilets and four TV's between two, despite knowing full well that we are desperate for a second toilet/shower for DS and our caring duties mean that we are on low incomes.

The one time they did ask whether they could do anything, I asked them if we could use their lovely cottage once in a while as a weekend retreat when they are away. Silence ensued. Finally, a key was cut, but there have never been any invitations and a strong feeling that we would not be welcome.

I feel that I am having the sort of life that poor, elderly people have and they are having the sort of life that young, wealthy people have! I don't begrudge them a good life but I wish they wouldn't rub my nose in it

Well, looking back at the op, OP seems disparaging of her mum & begrudging when they mention what they have bought, doesn´t want help & isn´t happy with the money that they have given he in the past.

So, if it comes across like that to them, they probably feel that they can´t do right for doing wrong, so why bother?

Diddl, if you were to hear a proper rant from me about my parents, you would be very shocked at how disparaging I was (as well as being here for the rest of the day...)

they deserve it though

some parents are crap, simple as that

the only real way to deal with it is to suspend all your expectations, ask for nothing and stop hoping they will suddenly become different people

You say that once your parents did ask what they could do to help you........what do you think they would be willing/able to do? What do you think they'd be comfortable doing?

What specifically would you want them to do - realistically - so you could stop feeling this way?

How far away do you live from them? Do you have siblings (ie, do your parents have other children)?

Thanks so much for the supportive messages - I was beginning to feel like the worst daughter ever but this is AIBU. Note to self - keep to the SN board in future

I agree with the poster who said that envy isn't going to help me. However, I'm not envious of my parents really as they are old and I know that they are lucky to be healthy and that doesn't last. Still, being resentful is a wasted emotion so thanks for that reminder.

I feel we can't discuss anything as my family is big on manners and small talk and poor on honesty and warmth. That is just as disappointing to me as the lack of offers of practical help.

"they deserve it though"

Perhaps they do-but do OP´s?

She admits that they couldn´t cope with her son.

Maybe they should offer to look after just the others?

They have done nothing except send the odd cheque of a "small" amount-well better than nothing?

I´m not sure about the cottage-why OP is waiting to be invited?

Why can´t she use it when her parents aren´t there-or have I misunderstood?

And possible her mother doesn´t delight in telling her-it´s just conversation?

And if she feels that her nose is being rubbed in it, why would she even ask to use the cottage?

It sounds really hard.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to wish they cared enough about you to want to help you out. We all want our parents to love us and to be there for us, no matter how old we are. Them helping us in whatever way they can/we need is all tied in with that need for them to love us.

But for whatever reason, they don't want to. And you need to find a way to accept that. They've made their choice. If they wanted to be there for you - they would be. I think that I would be so hurt by that.

Do you feel that they love your children or care about them and you and the life you have?

I don't know, I am probably way off the mark, I just always assume that these things that seem to be about money and practical help and stuff are actually about love and caring, once you scratch the surface.

Do you think they feel the cottage would/could be damaged in some way - hence their hesitation?

How utterly shit for you Donkey. I can't comprehend people not wanting to help other members of their family. I couldn't sleep with worry if one of my family was struggling like tihs.
Anyone who has close contact with peopel who deal with severely disabled kids knows it can be crippling work, physically, emotionally and financially.

It would be nice to think that help was coming from the family before people make the kneejerk request that 'the government' do something about it.

I'd be bllody bitter and angry too Donkey.
Have you thoguht of putting this into a letter for them?
What does you dh say?

donkey I have not read all the posts on here as they were making me too cross.

It is sad that people have a limited view of how family life can be and ready to say harsh words when you have already indicated that life is tough.

I love my kids so much that I find it hard to know when to stop helping them so it is strange to me when parents stop seeing how bad things can be for their own kids and grand kids.

The one thing that struck me from your posts is that they do not come over much when your ds is at home.

Could this give them the wrong impression of how much help you get and how difficult life is when he is home 24/7?

My Pil and mum sound similar to your parents and I haven't found the answer yet even though 2 of us have disabilities in our home

I know, diddl

My situation may not be exactly the same, but I just wanted her to know that I knew how it felt

Personally, I think her parents sound rather cold and detached, which is a shame

Do you think they feel the cottage would/could be damaged in some way - hence their hesitation?

Well so what if he did do some damage, my kids wipe their sticky fingers over the sofa, break ornaments and we clean up after them and pay for breakages, doesn't stop us getting invited to friends houses, you'd think family would be more understanding.

Hecate you're exactly right: for me anyway it was the utter shock of seeing that MIL didn't care enough about her own son and gc to help when really desperate, ie.e when our baby died. It's all about her. I find that strange and yes, selfish, and I bet the OP does too. I would help friends in this situation, let alone family. I wish I could help or lend you my fab parents.

"Personally, I think her parents sound rather cold and detached, which is a shame"

I agree.

Of course the trouble is we don´t know both sides or all the circs.

Maybe they feel that they do enough.

Maybe they want Op to ask directly?

Maybe she once said that she was OK & they haven´t asked since?

(I lived with my Dad for 3months whilst husband sorted out accomodation here for us-here being Germany. Whilst I was still in UK MIL phoned to see us (me & their only GC). I was busy at the time. She never asked again.)

YANBU I am shocked at the number of people who feel that your parents should not be expected to help you. I just can't imagine ever having this attitude to my own children when they get older.If i ever found that they were in a situation similar to yourself and I was able I would jump at the chance to help them. I couldn't sit by and just close my eyes and ears to it.

How much help do ILs give?

"YANBU I am shocked at the number of people who feel that your parents should not be expected to help you."

I don´t feel that parents should be expected to help adult children.

Great if they can, of course, but it seems to be a new idea imo.

My Dad was one of 7-his parents could never have helped.

Perhaps it has become more expected as "children" have smaller families?

I wonder if a lot of our parents generation are holding on to their cash in case they need it for care as they are all living so much longer. I know my Mum is as she has said as much - she does't want any of us to end up having to care for her full time. For which I am glad, as I would last about five minutes.

Very good point amothersplace.

I meant only if they were able to help. If they were not able then that's fine. Just seems harsh to me that a parent would not help if they were able.

Perhaps it has become more expected as "children" have smaller families?

Not at all, my nan had 6 daughters and a son and used to be carrying their shopping home for them when they were pregnant, had them back home to be looked after when one left a violent husband. She also made sure they inherited the tiny amount she had to leave them.
This is a woman that came over from Ireland with nothing but the clothes she stood and a baby.
Something seems to have gone wrong with the current generation of grandparents from what I can see because they are not prepared to offer the same support that they themselves received.

It isn't just about cash though.
As Hecate says it is about love and about empathy.
Cash would show they understood and cared. But so would kindness and a bit of time.

"Something seems to have gone wrong with the current generation of grandparents from what I can see because they are not prepared to offer the same support that they themselves received."

Perhaps OPs parents recieved no help?

OP-are they near to you-could they easily come & help?

Has your dad been retired long?

mamtomany I agree. That's totally it, society has changed. I come from a family whose extended family (aunties, uncles, grandparents) lived in the same town, some in same street, and we helped each other out whether it be emotionally, physically or financially. Extended families often no longer live in such close proximity and as a result family relationships have changed.

Why don't you aim for the kind of lifestyle they have in their later years? They had to work for it. I do understand you want them to acknowedge how tough things are.

You see, I don't think YABU at all. I have my challenges in life - not a disabled child which must be unbelievably hard - and both my parents and the in-laws would (and do) whatever they can to help us out: both financially and emotionally. In fact if we're not happy, our parents aren't happy - quite normal I'd say?

We are very grateful and I do realise that this isn't the case with many of our peers who are left to struggle on when their parents could do a lot more (and I'm not talking just about money here).

Perhaps you seem to cope so well that they don't realise you would like/need some help? I'm not quite as strong as that and admittedly am straight on the phone moaning (perhaps wrongly) to my mother when things aren't going right...