to think that my aged parents have a much better quality of life than me and they could help me a bit more

[donkeyderby]

I do really need to know whether I am being unreasonable. I have three kids including a teenage son who has very severe learning disabilities. Life can be very difficult at times.

My parents are in their late 70's and enjoying life, which is great as my dad worked long and hard for many years (unlike my mum!). However, apart from sending the occasional cheque for a small but useful amount of money over the years (i.e., enough for a week's food shopping), they do not help.

I do not expect direct help - they would not manage my DS - but I would love it if they said 'your life is tough - is there anything we can do?' once in a while. My mother delights in telling me about all the things they have bought for their house and how funny it is that they have three toilets and four TV's between two, despite knowing full well that we are desperate for a second toilet/shower for DS and our caring duties mean that we are on low incomes.

The one time they did ask whether they could do anything, I asked them if we could use their lovely cottage once in a while as a weekend retreat when they are away. Silence ensued. Finally, a key was cut, but there have never been any invitations and a strong feeling that we would not be welcome.

I feel that I am having the sort of life that poor, elderly people have and they are having the sort of life that young, wealthy people have! I don't begrudge them a good life but I wish they wouldn't rub my nose in it

maybe they dont want kids running riot around their "lovely cottage" while they arent there

and how do you know they have never worked as hard as you

did they leave school aged 14 as my parents did and work every day since then, with no benefits or DLA, or handouts cos i know mine did

and did you choose to have more kids once you knew you had a disabled child?

thats whsts called lying in the bed you make unfortunatly

no one has an obligation to you except your husband

so sorry you are struggling donkeyderby. Your parents don't owe you anything and I think what they give you in terms of money is generous.
Is the children's father with you and/or supportive? do you have some friends you can lean on? I think that despite what's been said about the holiday cottage and money, it is emotional support you need more than anything.
I spose Riven's thread has driven this home.
Perhaps you need to think about what you really need. It is unlikely that your parents will change at this stage and shower you with gifts/money/babysitting, would you comfortable asking them to pick up groceries for you when they visit (for which you pay of course!)Or asking them to sit with your dcs while you have a bath. You can only ask -they can only say no. Please look around you for a support network. I can imagine you feel very vulnerable and "passed over".

I find this very hard to say YNBU. Do we just sever all ties with our children when they are 18 and ''abandon them to their fate'? Conversely do we when we are 18 have no responsibility to our parents except for the odd Christmas and birthday card?

Oh I don't think it's difficult to see what the op would like. The op would like her parents to ask how she's doing, to listen to her reply, to make some sympathetic noises, to give her a bottle of lambrini and say 'try to relax this weekend'.

You know that feeling when you're tired and a bit miserable and a little sorry for yourself? You want your mum to take one minute to say 'you're doing really well. I know it's not easy'.

But your parents aren't like that, donkey. And your feelings of need and envy are only bringing you down. That's why you need to learn to not have those feelings, to rely only on yourself.

Don;t ask them outright for money. Oh god, no

omg it was either laugh or cry at comment about you helping your parents with garden or something. you have a severely disabled doubly incontinent child.
even when child at school there is extra laundry, preparing special meals, sterilising medical equipment, organising medication, catching up on sleep missed, and all the extra meetings and hosp appointments that are par for the course with a disabled chld.
sadly the media coverage of last few days hasnt enlightened everyone to the plight of carers. as for how you are responsible for your income comment - really how so when caring to your level?
it seems to me that you dont want sympathy or direct financial help but just some understanding and support from your parents. that shouldnt be too much to ask

Must be really hard to have a child with such complex all round the clock needs. To have a break would be so helpful. I know that if my children needed help i would bend over backwards. Can you tell your parents you are struggling?

Perhaps you give the impression of managing or have refused help & they don´t want to offend by offering again.

As for possessions/money, well of course they are entitled to spend money that they have earned how they wish.

TBH when my Dad comes to stay & offers money when I shop for food I find it offensive.

YANBU.

OP I think that there are some very umsympathetic people on this thread and that the way that you feel is pretty understandable. Your life is bloody hard, and no noone chooses to have a disabled child. So of course you're going to feel aggrieved that your parents seem to be in a position to help (financially, practically, emotionally, however), but don't.

I know that if DH and I ended up in your position, I would have no problem in directly asking my mum or MIL for help, but then I also know that they would offer well before we would need to. But then that's the type of person I am, and I see no problem with that. Your child is your child whether they are 8 or 40 and you should be there to look after them whatever.

If you have the type of relationship with your parents that makes this possible, you need to sit down and tell them how you feel. Spell out how hard life is for you, and that you think they could makes things a little easier by doing blah blah blah. Yes your dad worked hard to earn the money he now has, but you are working bloody hard too but without the ability to earn cash, and they need to understand this.

Chick - must say I say agree with you - I do have a child with a similar disability and spend one day a week taking my now stroke ridden Mum out to give my wonderful step dad a break. It takes a lot of bloody organization and favours to do it.

And so what if the OP wants some money ? I do agree it is their money and up to them what they do with it but loads of our generation have had deposits for houses - school fee's paid etc - money for an extra toilet for an incontinent teenager is surly as legitimate.

I think you're getting a really hard time from some of the posters here.

Totally agree with what Pointydug and chickchickchicken have said.

blessings - also agree with you about the money

To be fair when I (and many others) made the comment that the OP had chosen to have children and to live the life she does the OP had only said that she had a child with 'very severe learning disabilities'. This imho is not the same as saying she has a 'severely disabled, doubly incontinent, challenging, sleep disordered child who hits us and scratches us and headbutts us because he doesn't understand what he is doing' which she said in a subsequent post.

Of course I (and I am sure a lot of others) wouldn't have said that she has chosen this! And obviously a bit of empathy and support from her parents wouldn't go amiss.

However in having children you do sadly take the gamble that this can happen. And so I still stand by my comment that you are responsible for your own children. I think it is desperately sad that the op's parents don't see how tough this is and offer some emotional support even if they cannot offer financial or physical support - I can't imagine a situation where I would not want to do this for my own.

However like others have said there may be more to this - the op's parents may have felt snubbed when in the past they have offered help, they may feel the op would be too proud to accept help, or in fact they may be exagerating their own lovely life so the op doesn't feel that she has to take on their worries on top of all of her own. They may even feel that they have worked hard all their lives and are entitled to take it a bit easy now in their late 70s.

I can understand why the op feels as she does. However the envy and bitterness (which may be justified) will only end up eating away at her and making her more miserable than she is already. I think it would be a good plan to tell your parents exactly how much you are struggling and spell out exactly how they can help you the next time they ask. Or even just tell them. If they say they cannot do the things you ask maybe just tell them that what you really need is the emotional support and a hug from time to time and an acknowlegment that you are doing a good job. And if they refuse flat out to help then at least you know where you stand and will stop expecting anything other than what you and your oh can provide on your own. They may surprise you though and really pitch in.

I think being upfront with them is better than this seething resentment which will only make you feel worse in the end. You may even get some more help. Good luck

YANBU to expect them to have a bit more tact and understanding. YANBU to expect a little bit of emotional support either. I totally agree with you there. But YABU if you expect financial support - they should be entitled to enjoy their hard earned retirement. You can't expect other people to contribute financially.

I never understand parents who give their adult children sweet FA, only to have a massive chunk of their hard-earned savings disappear in inheritance tax at a later date.

So many families struggle financially for no reason, than the concept of family not stretching beyond the age of 18.

My own MIL ended up with a generous inheritance, and what is REALLY sad is that for years she was scrimping and feeding her sons no-frills frozen pizza etc. while that same money was sitting in a bank account.

I'm with you OP.

YANBU at all donkeyderby. And I completely understand the comment about your mother not working.
All those saying that the OP made her choices and has to deal with the consequences herself - is that what you would say to your own children if they were quite clearly struggling?
Lovely.

I don't think you are unreasonable in the slightest, but then I am different than lots of people on MN as I see my family a lot, live close to them, pop for cups of tea all the time and yes, rely on them just as my brother relies on me. They would pop to the shops if I needed something (as I do for them) and my mum picks the children up from school and gives them their tea a couple of times a week, as indeed my grandparents did for the previous generation once a week. In our family, if one person is struggling, we try to lend some money, or time or just phone them. To me, this is not about 'making your bed' or having no 'obligations' or 'rights' (really, you really believe that your obligations to your children stop aged 16?!), it's about being part of a close, supportive family, where money and time are shared because it's nice to do that, not because anyone 'should'.

But then, I have have long accepted that such an arrangement is not what most people have, and that any hint that you 'rely' in any way or get help from your parents makes you somehow needy or lesser on MN. Being completely independent and putting your own lives first is valued, putting yourself out for others and offering (or taking) a helping hand is not.

I wouldn't begrudge your parents a happy healthy retirement, but clearly they simply don't want to help in any way, financial, emotional, time, even letting you use their house to let their disabled grandchild have a holiday. I personally think that's mean and hope never to be like that with my own children. I don't think they will change now though.

I also suspect that, like a lot of the older generation, they didn't just get there through 'hard work', they got lucky and bought cheap forty years ago and now are reaping the benefits, we are not so lucky and many of us will never have what our parents had, because we were born in a less affluent generation.

I was trying to get more infor from OP
her first post was rather vague and tbh - so would be any answers
unless I know how often they see each other, how far do they live etc Iwuld not be allowing myself to give any oppinions

OP said she had to put her son into respite care in order to have people around - that shows how tough looking after him is
I think - had the family had more hepl from the council etc, she would be able to earn more or be more rested

I really feel for you and hope you can engage your parents to be more involved with your son.

No, I wouldn't say that to my own children, but then I hope my own children wont be posting on internet forums complaining about whatever standard of living dh and I have in our 70s and griping about how unfair it is. Particularly if we're still giving them cheques every now And again

I don't think anyone on here is criticising the op for struggling- many people have sympathised. But the op comes over as just bitter and Envious and berating the parents simply for having a comfortable life, having brought up their own family

I don't think you are wrong for feeling resentful about the lack of help you seem to receive from your parents, and I think you have a right to feel they should do more; especially in regard to using the cottage one or twice a year, which doesn't seem to be much in the grand scheme of things.

I think your problem is in expecting your parents to behave in the way you feel you would behave if your roles were reversed, or in the way you perceive other peoples parents would behave towards their struggling daughter in a similar situation. What you're asking for isn't much, but the thing is, we don't always get the family we want or need, IYKSWIM. Sometimes family members let us down or just don't step up to the plate when we need them.

You can drop hints etc, but if they don't respond in the way they should, at some point you just have to accept that that's the way they are and stop looking for more, because in the end you'll just end up resentful and hurt. It's sad, but sometimes I've found friends can be there for you more than family sometimes.

I'm not saying you should write you mum and dad off, just saying it would be better to accept that they're not necessarily going to give you the support you want, and you can only ask and then leave it up to them, and console yourself that you won't make the same mistakes they're making with your own children.

Oh God, people can be astonishingly insensitive sometimes, and somehow it seems even more shocking when they are our parents, doesn't it dd?

I am always a little bit about grownups accepting money from their own parents. I have several friends who have had big wodges of cash to do home improvements and the like, when we are all in our 30s and 40s and haven't been crippled by the current house price mess. Seems a bit, I don't know, infantile to me.

HOWEVER, I would gratefully accept money or financial support from my parents if I were really struggling, and I am sure my mother (at least) would offer it to me, even though I have reached the grand old age of 48 without having to ask her.

I am not surprised your are hurt by your parents insensitivity.

I think you need to ask them directly about the cottage. Do you think they are worried your ds might damage their property in some way?

Ha ha! don't know why I put dd there instead of op.

My parents are just like this

They are true narcissistic "show offs" who take pleasure in crowing about their "4th holiday this year" and get offended when I struggle to find the time (or inclination) to listen to the blow-by-blow account of every fucking interminable detail about all the fantastic things they have done, how bad the food was blah blah blah

They have never given me anything (except my existence...and I refuse to feel grateful for that) and have let me down repeatedly when I relied on them. I decided a long time ago, I don't want anything from them (financially or otherwise) and I feel a whole lot better for it.

I think you can only understand how shit it makes you feel if you have experienced it, tbh

So, YANBU

YANBU. My parents worked like dogs and are now retired. In all sorts of ways they had it much, much tougher than my inlaws (ie they had a maid, a nanny, no financial problems etc...) but guess who has helped out when we were desperate? My parents; when I've was really ill, in hospital for weeks when ds was really ill. MIL, who is very well off and healthy, literally refused to help when begged and told us to get a housekeeper .

I can see why people are being critical of the OP, but I cannot imagine not helping my dc if thy needed it and I could. Why the hell not? I know they are not obliged to, but how could they not?

I would advise against trying to 'trick' them into babysitting. You'll only get to do that once and that might be it then.

What about next time they ask you if you need any help, say that you do - ask them what sort of help they would be happy to give you. When they respond, take them up on it.

You're being a bit unreasonable but it's understandable. Just try a tack that is not going to get your parents' backs up.