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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let you DC go to tea at a friends house who was on the child protection register?

292 replies

Fruitina · 18/01/2011 20:17

I am really struggling over this.

DS is 9 and has a friend of the same age. The friend is often round at our house playing with DS. He is a lovely boy and I have no problem with the friendship at all.

The friend has now invited DS to go to his house for tea on Thursday and DS really wants to go.

The problem I have is that the friend is on the Child protection register and there is a lot of SS involvement due to issues of neglect.

So do I let DS go? I am really worried about it but don't want to hurt the friends feelings because he really a lovely child.

OP posts:
sungirltan · 19/01/2011 11:02

toughas - was there suggestion that this child was dirty? if i've missed it upthread then i apologise but otherwise its just an assumption.

Toughasoldboots · 19/01/2011 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tomhardyismydh · 19/01/2011 11:05

figcake??????please explaine why you threw the chocs away.

LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 19/01/2011 11:05

OK, sorry toughas, I just went through the thread and had missed the post where OP said he has nits and was always dirty. Fair enough in that case, I might be inclined to do the same.

Toughasoldboots · 19/01/2011 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 19/01/2011 11:07

Sorry Blush and I totally agree with you regarding responsibility of the masses. Who is going to look after neglected children if everyone has this attitude of "only my kids matter"?

LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 19/01/2011 11:08

And as for the binning the chocolate woman, it s a horrible thing to wish ill on another person, but if she could only walk in that child's shoes for a day...

KnittedBreast · 19/01/2011 11:08

if hes been in prison for drug related offences-what robbery? well people dont usually rob others to pay for weed....

I have a very liberal out look on drug use (each to their own) but i dont think id let my child round if it was crack or heroin.

is there anyway you can find out what he was in prison for? if its recreational us or weed then i wouldnt be so bothered but if he has a real habit with something nasty i feel i would have to say no and have the child at mine to play

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 19/01/2011 11:09

fig - why exactly did you bin it? Confused Perhaphs you should start putting your son ahead of your prejudices. What exactly is the risk of your son being friends with this kid and coming to your house to play, even if his mother is - shock horror- a prostitute? (which you clearly have no proof of anyway, just nasty gossip). DS does not like sweets or chocolate anyway - yeah right.

Trinity - not all of us are so bloody up our own arses that we think any child on the register or with a plan are to be avoided. Some of us are quite able to make balanced and rational decisions. In your situation I would be very encouraging of my kids being friends with your kids and helping them to have a little normality.

LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 19/01/2011 11:13

I imagine figcake is too ashamed of herself to come back and justify her ridiculous actions. I wouldn't be surprised if she namechanged.

emmyloulou · 19/01/2011 11:15

Some really fucked up paranoid people on this thread........that's all Shock

LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 19/01/2011 11:17

I know emmyloulou, I'm feeling a little like a member of the village WI in Backwardsville.

perfumedlife · 19/01/2011 11:20

My cousin is a heroin addict, has been on it for years and years and is 40. He has O/Dd many times. His sister has a child, single parent, and leaves brother to mind his nephew regularly.

Most of the time, alls well. Cousin loves the little boy. But, twice last year he overdosed and was close to death, my mum popped in and discovered him, crying, nappy soaked, trying to open a packet of biscuits. Paramedics were called, cousin recovered, his sister forgave him, afterall, he is an addict and we must not judge! Then left her little boy with him again.

She is now pregnant again, and I am not remotely ashamed to say I wish social services would monitor her and put both kids on the register (Scotland)

I am very happy to sit in judgement where kids are vulnerable to neglect and danger. The very word neglect can make me cry, it's so so wrong, kids are entirely vulnerable and fuck political correctness, social inclusion and all the rest. The depend on us to keep them safe.

OP, if you cannot meet the mum and see the house, don't for gods sake do it.

Grandmar · 19/01/2011 11:21

I most certainly would let him. Why should a child suffer because of his father.
Also if you did say 'no', how would you explain
to DS your reasons for not allowing it?.

figcake · 19/01/2011 11:22

No, I said myself that I felt ashamed about binning them but as per OP, there were drugs in the house and stoned boyfriends coming and going so I could not be a 100% sure that any of the needles or other paraphernalia (sp) would not have come into contact with those little hollow false chocolate things.

Only mentioned Poundland as I have not seen them anywhere else. To have seen them there, I obviously go there myself, albeit for non-food items.

I would love her DS to come round and play though it would probably be a problem if I was not happy with DS going round there. What about pick-ups etc. I know that the mother shop lifts regularly and has even stolen from her own close relatives. How could I leave her in the living room and go off to make a cup of tea.

It is a horrible situation to be in. I know her situation is indescribably more horrible. She doesn't know I binned them - it is my choice as much as you would bin a crap present in any other situation

Morloth · 19/01/2011 11:23

I don't think the child is to be avoided nor do I think that neglected children are not my problem. What is to be avoided is knowingly sending my kid into a house where there is neglect/drug use.

The safety of my children is my absolute number 1 priority, above and beyond the needs of anyone else. I don't care about other kids as much as I care about the 2 tucked up in their beds here, I just don't. I am not sorry about that, these 2 I made promises to, these 2 I made a decision to bring into the world, these 2 I have an ironclad responsibility for.

The problem here isn't the OP, the problem is the drug user in the home and the mother who allows him to stay and neglects her child. All of the child's problems both social and physical are on them.

figcake · 19/01/2011 11:24

I aqm not ashamed of my decision btw so I do not see why I would namechange? I would make the same decision again. I have a massively diverse range of friends and I am completely anti-clique.

deepheat · 19/01/2011 11:35

Grandmar I think that the OP has been pretty clear that she hates the idea of making the child suffer in this way, but sometimes we have to make these tough choices.

If our DC's go to someones house, we expect there to be a responsible adult around. They are children after all. Almost by definition - there are exceptions - a drug addict will not be a responsible adult - at least for a % of the time. This is horrible for their DC, but don't try and blame his woes on the OP. The reality is that if the parent is an IV drug user there is the risk of sharps, the risk of blood borne viruses. For any drug user, there is the risk of incapacitiation or simple bad judgement stemming from drug use. It may be that this person has learnt to manage their drug use in a responsible way and poses no risk, but unless I was completely certain then I would not be taking the chance with my DC.

Oh, and figcake - I think the mentioning of Poundland was bound to raise some hackles, but recklon you've been a little harshly treated.

Pumpster · 19/01/2011 11:35

Well good for you, that is possibly the meanest post I've read on mn so far!

tomhardyismydh · 19/01/2011 11:39

fair enough figcakes. i can understand to some extent.

LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 19/01/2011 11:48

I wonder what the likelihood of a heroin user wasting their drugs by injecting them into chocolate destined for another child is? I wonder if it it more or less likely than the same happening randomly in a shop or before it gets to a shop. Or indeed, if the chances are similar to said drug user injecting random children in the street as they play. Hmm

JoanofArgos · 19/01/2011 11:53

oh my goodness, that's such an awful thing to do! But is it wrong that I'm smirking at the idea of this hardcore druggie boyf wasting his smack by injecting it into hollow chocolate from Poundland!

You utter fool.

loopylou6 · 19/01/2011 11:54

There's really no need for the Hmm Loopy, some people (myself included) are very over protective parents and tbh I'd of had same concerns as fig. It's better to be over cautious than under cautious.

JoanofArgos · 19/01/2011 11:57

It's better to be sensible and reasoned than a big mental who thinks chocolate santas are full of class a drugs though!

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 19/01/2011 12:00

figcake Wed 19-Jan-11 11:22:21
No, I said myself that I felt ashamed about binning them

figcake Wed 19-Jan-11 11:24:45
I aqm not ashamed of my decision btw so I do not see why I would namechange? I would make the same decision again

figcake Wed 19-Jan-11 10:50:37
I was in exactly the same situation last year. There were also rumours of the mother working as a prostitute. I never encouraged the friendship tbh. It was hard as DS is not exactly the most popular kid at school and he could have benefitted from having a best friend.

figcake I would love her DS to come round and play

Make your bloody mind up! You keep changing your posts according to other peoples comments.

What did you think the mother would have done? Picked up the chocolates she was giving to her childs friends and injected drugs into them? FFS You are beyond bonkers.

Knittedbreast - it is the mothers boyfriends wife (keep up - LOL) who is in prison, not the boyfriend.

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