Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let you DC go to tea at a friends house who was on the child protection register?

292 replies

Fruitina · 18/01/2011 20:17

I am really struggling over this.

DS is 9 and has a friend of the same age. The friend is often round at our house playing with DS. He is a lovely boy and I have no problem with the friendship at all.

The friend has now invited DS to go to his house for tea on Thursday and DS really wants to go.

The problem I have is that the friend is on the Child protection register and there is a lot of SS involvement due to issues of neglect.

So do I let DS go? I am really worried about it but don't want to hurt the friends feelings because he really a lovely child.

OP posts:
LDNmummy · 19/01/2011 02:46

Certain SW's who are spouting off in such a rude manner should chillax as SS and the majority of SW, though not all, are absolutely rubbish anyway and thier behaviour is very telling of why.

A report by SS could mean anything and you won't know if its safe unless you go see for yourself IMO. Speak to the mum on the phone or something then go drop DS off, stay for a cuppa and check things out. If it seems ok then come back a little sooner than you usually would but not so soon that its obvious. I say give it a chance but be on guard.

slim22 · 19/01/2011 03:02

I would definitely not let my child go to a playdate unless I've spoken to the parent/know the parent/was there to assess the environment if I have any doubts.

I also see how it would make the child happy to have your son over....give him a sense of "normality". He is obviously pretty grounded and well mannered for a child left to his own devices and agree would be nice to encourage that.Surely its not all bleak?

Agree might be a good idea to "invite" yourself. Take cake and keep it short (30mn to meet the mum and get a feel).
Why don't you do a cold call, ask if you can take the boy out (swim a great idea) and say you will bring back cake for a quick teacup with the mum while the boys play for little bit? Then invite her over.
If you feel that the friendship is meaningful to your boy do you think you could/should nurture one with the mother.

KangarooCaught · 19/01/2011 08:18

The info is not identifiable - could pertain to a few of the students dh goes to case conference for (drugs/neglect/family members in & out of prison) & that's only in one cohort in one school.

OP does not have a duty to befriend the mother, do an assessment of her home, find out the nature of her partner's addiction as some seem to be suggesting. And when it's concern over the welfare & safety of our children we all make judgments on their behalf, even if we all have different parameters. The OP's priority is her child but is also clear she does have care for the other child when many would have nothing to do with the little lad full-stop Sad but suspect the OP is more of 'it takes a community to raise a child' school of thought.

TrinityMotherOfRhinos · 19/01/2011 08:22

this thread makes me so sad, I knew this was the consensus Sad

Hullygully · 19/01/2011 08:24

I'd let mine go if I'd met the mother and thought she was okay. Same as any other invite.

I know heroin users who are lovely people with an unfortunate addiction that they keep to themselves and out of sight of children.

Bucharest · 19/01/2011 08:30

No, in all honesty, I probably wouldn't let my child go. (I wouldn't let my child go and play anywhere when it was the other child, rather than the parent doing the inviting, but that's not what this thread is about, is it?)

But OP, neither would I have started an it's-all-about-Me! thread. I think this thread was started so you could bask in your superiority and smugness, thinly veiled as wanting-to-help-the-child. Which sticks in my craw.

Morloth · 19/01/2011 08:31

I am sorry you find it sad Trinity but I really don't think you can expect people to take into account the feelings of the posters on this thread, the parents involved here or even those of the little boy when they are deciding on whether the environment seems safe enough for their kid.

My kids are my responsibility, I would be negligent myself if I knowingly sent them somewhere I believed could be dangerous to them. Of course you can't always know everything about every home, but when something has been flagged what are you supposed to do? Close your eyes and hope for the best? Not a chance.

It is totally selfish on my behalf, I love my children way too deeply to roll any dice I don't have too and in this situation, the OP doesn't have to.

TrinityMotherOfRhinos · 19/01/2011 08:33

I just meant that as mine have been on the register I have obviously irrevocably damaged any friendhsips they could have had

Bucharest · 19/01/2011 08:36

Trinity- presumably there isn't some secretary or something at your children's school blabbing to all and sundry though? Smile

Morloth · 19/01/2011 08:50

Depends Trinity if I knew you and your family and had a feel for your home then that is different. If however (as in this case) we are talking about a stranger's home where I know there is neglect and a drug user then it wouldn't be happening.

Original poster
Fruitina · 19/01/2011 08:56

I am not Blabbing to everyone, the very reason I asked for advice on here is because I can't talk to anyone in real life about it.

Trinity, your situation is completely different. Fwiw I truly believe you have been treated appallingly by Ss, I also know enough that sadly you are not alone in being treated like this. I know of at least 2 other families who children are on the register for the most ridiculous reasons, so just knowing a child was on the register would not stop me encouraging my dc to be friends with them. Unfortunately I know a lot of detail about this family and the children are on the register for good reason. Surely in my situation you would have reservations too ?

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 19/01/2011 09:00

Depends what the child is on the register for. Can't you go with? I used to work with some kids who were on the register but were 'safe' as friends if you get me.

camaleon · 19/01/2011 09:02

Fruitina,
For what is worth, I would let a 9 years old go for tea with this friend. What exactly worries you? I mean, what kind of scenario, with the details you have, do you have in mind as a 'bad plausible thing to happen'?

KangarooCaught · 19/01/2011 09:08

this case is drugs/violence/neglect including a child going hungry...I would not choose to send my child to a home that contained those particular issues

katiestar · 19/01/2011 09:09

the neglect thing wouldn't worry me beacuse my child would only be there an hour and a half and so wouldnt really bve an issue.I wouldn't want them at the house of a drug addict though.

KangarooCaught · 19/01/2011 09:09

and if that makes me censorious I can live with it

BeeandSon · 19/01/2011 09:09

morltoh >> Depends Trinity if I knew you and your family and had a feel for your home then that is different. If however (as in this case) we are talking about a stranger's home where I know there is neglect and a drug user then it wouldn't be happening.

well, this family is not stranger to OP are they?
In fact OP knows about this family much more than the boy's mother knows about OP iyswim

a bit hypocritical me think

my mother used to do the same for my son and neighbours little boy. She would have him at hers but no way she wanted her precious gs to go over as she did not trust them
so unfair, I told her if boy is good enough to be in her house than my son will go over. A child is just as precious as the next one on my book.

katiestar · 19/01/2011 09:10

'ss dont get involved for no reason '

REALLY?? try telling that to the parents in Rochdale or the Orkneys

Original poster
Fruitina · 19/01/2011 09:12

I'm worried about the boyfriend, as I said in an earlier post the child once told me that he had to play outside in the dark because the boyfriend was "pulling mummy's hair". This makes think that he is maybe violent. Fwiw if it was just the mum then I wouldn't be overly worried. I know I might be getting this all wrong but I don't believe anyone would just send their child off to tea knowing what I know without a moments hesitation.

OP posts:
cantspel · 19/01/2011 09:12

No and double NO if i knew that there was a drug user in the house.

Morloth · 19/01/2011 09:13

And what the OP knows is giving her reason to be cautious.

loopylou6 · 19/01/2011 09:28

Not a chance in hell.

matchbox20 · 19/01/2011 09:29

No way!

It must be more than drug issues for him to be on the ''protection list''

FanellaFidge · 19/01/2011 09:45

Frutina - Is it just the boy who has invited your DS? Have you spoken to the Mum? I mean...my DS is constantly inviting everyone round for tea, without me knowing! She might not be aware of the invite, and might not want her DS having friends round?

I have had first hand experience of living with an addiction, and I know there is no way I would have allowed DS friends in the house whilst we went through it. We were not on the register, there was no abuse, or neglect, but I just wouldn't want to risk it with somebody elses child.

So I guess I would say, I wouldn't allow it, based on what you know.

deepheat · 19/01/2011 09:47

Firstly OP, in your cirumstances I wouldn't consider allowing my DC to go to this house, regardless of how lovely your DS's friend is. I understand how sad that must be for you/him and am gutted for you.

The reality - despite what many seem to be posting on here - is that SS don't just chuck a kid on the register or provide a plan just on a whim. They do it because of a genuine risk. Just to also clarify a few odd comments earlier as well: Parents don't have to be using a particular drug in order to have their kid subject to a CP plan. The substance/drug is largely irrelevant - it is the effect on the parents' behaviour and lifestyle and the subsequent risk to the child that is the determining factor. I have been involved with parents of heroin addicts whose children have no plan, whereas I have also been involved with alcoholic parents whose DC have been taken away from them. (I'm not a SW by the way, I am a manager of supported housing schemes.)

And for those who think that the OP is being wilfully immoral and a 'disgrace' for using this confidential information to inform her judgement - get a grip. She knows of this through her work - it is part of her job. She can hardly 'unlearn' this information can she? She is also not breaching any confidentiality re what she has posted. No names, no school name, no town or city. Sadly, she could be talking about any one of hundreds of thousands of children.

Swipe left for the next trending thread