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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let you DC go to tea at a friends house who was on the child protection register?

292 replies

Fruitina · 18/01/2011 20:17

I am really struggling over this.

DS is 9 and has a friend of the same age. The friend is often round at our house playing with DS. He is a lovely boy and I have no problem with the friendship at all.

The friend has now invited DS to go to his house for tea on Thursday and DS really wants to go.

The problem I have is that the friend is on the Child protection register and there is a lot of SS involvement due to issues of neglect.

So do I let DS go? I am really worried about it but don't want to hurt the friends feelings because he really a lovely child.

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 19/01/2011 12:01

Totally is a need for the Hmm. This child will already be stigmatised by his peers, teachers and others, on top of any alleged abuse or neglect. He went to the effort of making a present for his friend and the mother of this friend threw it in the bin, because she is so completely paranoid that she thought it may have been injected with heroin.
You sound like being over protective is a good thing. Being protective is, but the 'over' part should be an indication to you that you are taking things too far.

Rather an adult suffer the brutality of a Hmm than another child is treated as appallingly as was the case here.

loopylou6 · 19/01/2011 12:01

If a parent is a 'big mental' or not, if they don't feel comfortable with something then they follow their instinct. Dc are precious and binning chocolate is not going to harm them and parent has peace of mind.

Bideyin · 19/01/2011 12:03

I haven't read all of this thread but I really don't think the op should be posting something on a national forum that should be kept confidential.

And as for the poundland chocolate FFS!!!!

SlightlyJaded · 19/01/2011 12:13

Fruitina

I don't blame you for posting. I understand you are trying to get an anonymous opinion but do get a true answer you have to reveal certain info which you have tried to disguise as best you can. You can't unknow what you have read...

Another poster asked but I don't think you answered. Have you had the invitation for the mum of the boy yet? She may be horrified to know that her DS has invited someone round depending on how bad things are at home?

I feel desparately sorry for the boy in question and my heart would want to send my child there to play but my head would struggle. Do you know what I'd do? I would be upfront with the mum.

I know it would be hard but something along the lines of:

We think your son is lovely and we are pleased that our DS has him as a friend. He has invited DS to tea and I would love him to go however. As you know, I work at the schoold so can't help but know that there are some problems at home. I am not judging you as a person, but just wanted to be upfront with my concerns. What do you think?

She might take huge offense but that can't be helped and if she does, you can try to reassure her that you like her, want your DCs to be friends and hope she will think about what you have said

She might even be glad to have someone to talk to.

Thats what I would do.

mrsbaldwin · 19/01/2011 12:13

I hate AIBU and rarely venture on here ... but in this case I want to add my two pennorth.

I can see why the OP has a concern and is sking for advice.

But I find some of the 'everyone for themselves, a neglected child is not your problem'-type thinking the thread has exposed very painful reading.

There are some good practical suggestions for the OP - 'have the child over to your own house instead', 'go along too' etc.

BUt I would like to know what we can all do to help neglected children in our own communities, like the one mentioned on this thread. Not abstract neglected children helped by abstract social workers or charities, but real ones, who our own children come into contact with.

figcake · 19/01/2011 12:16

Well all I would say to any posters flying off the handle at what I wrote, what personal experience do you have of people who use hard drugs? My best friend from school became a heroin addict in our late teens and I was the only person she trusted enough to help with nursing her back to good health.

I witnessed some bizarre behaviour from her on a daily basis which was completely uncharacteristic of what she was like before. Out of respect for her I will not be elaborating on this. If you think that the prospect of interfering with hollow chocolate sounds ludicrous and far-fetched then quite frankly you are talking out of your rear end. The person who branded me a "big mental" is probably some kind of suburban, do-gooder with no real experience of the real issues at play and therefore not particularly well qualified to offer advice to OP.

LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 19/01/2011 12:18

A lot of personal experience figcake. My dad was an addict, died of an OD.

Pumpster · 19/01/2011 12:22

Addicts would not waste their stash on small children's chocolate, I'm pretty sure of that. Would be a good way to get it through customs though maybe? Grin

figcake · 19/01/2011 12:23

Ok - but it depends what they are on/ how they react to it. Someone who usually goes into a vegetative state and lies down in their own bodily fluids would be less of an issue from my pov that someone who gets completely wired and prances around recklessly shouting out, eating dogfood and displaying stranger paranoia. I have seen both

figcake · 19/01/2011 12:23

Not my friend btw

BadBagel · 19/01/2011 12:23

As SlightlyJaded said, talk to the mother directly and voice your concerns.

Or if you really don't want your ds to go over there, just say NO.

eaglewings · 19/01/2011 12:24

If the ss thought the boy was at a big enough risk they would have removed the child. The fact that they have left the child with his mum but observe would suggets to me that it would be OK for another child to be there for short periods of time in the day.

I would take my reference in a similar situation to how my child friend behaves and is.

From your post Fruit the boy is lovely.

tomhardyismydh · 19/01/2011 12:26

I have experience of hard drug users within my family. and to be honest substance missues is a classless problem. so the suburban do gooder may have as much experience as anyonelse.

I can see you being worried about food coming into contact with drugs and used parafinalia, but now you suggest interferring with the chocolate in some way I would agree with loopy and anothers and find utterly nonsence tbh.

KangarooCaught · 19/01/2011 12:33

Don't do what SJ suggested, as then you really would be in breech of confidentiality & she would have every right to complain. You only refer to that info with her in a professional capacity & in the right setting.

deepheat · 19/01/2011 12:34

Just to put a different slant on figcake's posts. One of the buildings I manage is a supported accommodation unit for over 40 people. At any given time, 70-80% of the residents in this building have substance misuse problems. Staff are advised not to eat anything that a resident has touched or passed to them, to wash hands after any contact with residents, to wear gloves when handling residents posessions and to wash hands on a regular basis. This isn't because they are nasty, dirty people, it is because of the risk of Hep, HIV, TB, other blood borne virus' which are all significantly more prevalent among drug-users than the general population.

This isn't just health and safety gone mad. I have sadly seen 3 cases of support workers in my sector have to undergo inteferon treatment for a long period of time as a result of contracting Hep through their work (we obviously pay for vaccinations, but some staff choose not to have them done).

I certainly wouldn't give my daughter any food from this building, regardless of how well intentioned the gift was. I don't really see that figcake - or OP for that matter - is in a different boat.

SlightlyJaded · 19/01/2011 12:36

But Kangaroo - is that technically so? OP has no choice but to know information she is privvy to. She is only discussing it with the subject - whose confidentiality is she breeching?

Not being confrontational just don't see how she is.

SlightlyJaded · 19/01/2011 12:37

Sorry who's not whoses

Pedants you can all sit back down now :o

SlightlyJaded · 19/01/2011 12:38

FFS who's not whose !!!

tomhardyismydh · 19/01/2011 12:40

We think your son is lovely and we are pleased that our DS has him as a friend. He has invited DS to tea and I would love him to go however. As you know, I work at the schoold so can't help but know that there are some problems at home. I am not judging you as a person, but just wanted to be upfront with my concerns. What do you think?

bang thump on the nose!!! hows that

SlightlyJaded · 19/01/2011 12:46

Maybe Tom

But a mother is a mother and she should understand the concerns.

And the alternative is 'take a chance' or deprive a sad little boy of a chance at friendship.

THe words I picked might sound patronising but there must be an OKish way of bringing it up.

FWIW we have experience of addiction in our family and friends. I am aware of the shame that can go hand in hand with this, and I really do think the Mum might be glad of a friend who 'knows'

tomhardyismydh · 19/01/2011 12:50

Oh i do agree that the op would NBU however I do have knowlege and experience proffessionaly and would say that this would be breaching confidentuality and would be misconduct and could result in disaplinary. THAT IS A FACT!!!

McHobbes · 19/01/2011 12:53

Figcake - there are no words sufficient to describe what an utter muppet I think you are.
Snobbish, superior, ridiculous, ill informed, paranoid, smug and bad mannered are a few to start with though....

You ought to be ashamed of yourself. What a thoroughly horrible post.

jellybeans · 19/01/2011 12:56

No I would not.

tomhardyismydh · 19/01/2011 13:01

it would be misshandeling data and using it for purposses it was not intended for.

The fact the op is privy to this but possibly should not need to be.

both are breaches of the data protection act.

there are more acts and policies this would be breaching in any workplace.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 19/01/2011 13:04

Bideyin - feel free to read the thread and see what has already been said on that score. Do you really think that in 250 posts you are the only person to have thought of that?

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