Would you let you DC go to tea at a friends house who was on the child protection register?

[Fruitina]

I am really struggling over this.

DS is 9 and has a friend of the same age. The friend is often round at our house playing with DS. He is a lovely boy and I have no problem with the friendship at all.

The friend has now invited DS to go to his house for tea on Thursday and DS really wants to go.

The problem I have is that the friend is on the Child protection register and there is a lot of SS involvement due to issues of neglect.

So do I let DS go? I am really worried about it but don't want to hurt the friends feelings because he really a lovely child.

What makes you think that matchbox?

I wouldn't do it.

Don't care how 'careful' a drug user may be. My child would not be going to the home of a known drug user.

Sorry about your situation Trinity, obviously that is different and I would assume that most people wouldn't know about your children being on the register? And people surely know your circumstances. The situation with the OP is different given that she works at the school.

I was on the at risk register when I was young for neglect but in my case, it was very real neglect (and abuse that was ignored by SS) that wasn't taken as seriously as it should have been so I am always wary in situations and I wouldn't risk the safety of my child for anything.

itsoquiet

Can i just point out ss can be involved for other issues other than Cp .I have to put up with them as ds3 is disabled( a lot of dc with disablitys get sw automatically)
so i would hate to think people see or hear ss and make a snap judgement

Actually - having thought about it. Had I allowed DS to have friends round, there was no way anyone would know about the heroin addiciton, and so I suspect they would have allowed their children on playdates at our house, no reason not to? I guess I'm trying to say there musy always be a risk when allowing your children into others houses. However in this case you are fully aware of the risk, and so able to make a more informed decision/safeguard your DS if you did allow him to go.

Would you send your child to a Childminder who had failed in their request to get a CRB? These things are put in place for good reasons. I work with children and have seen what some parents think of as acceptable - and thats why these measures are put in place. Invite the little lad back to your house instead. It's not about the friendship of the children - that's without question, it's just about what happens at home when the doors are shut.

Mycarscallednev, you cannot compare sending a 9 years old for a couple of hours to a playdate with trusting your child to a childminder.

I do not have all the details the OP have, but I thing the age of the child is also relevant here. She is not sending a reception child to a playdate. I understand she has fears and she may prefer not to send the child to a playdate. I think I would but I am not in her situation either.

My boys have played in houses where the parents use drugs. I knew the people and they weren't going to be off their faces while my boys were there. My children are old enough not to touch anything they shouldn't even though that didn't arise. They had a roast dinner and watched DVDs, had a great time. It would be different if it was a crackhouse with comings and goings, or violence

I don't see how anyone would knowingly send their child into a situation where there's drug use and visible neglect This situation is black or white.

OP, if your DC was 15 I would be advising you to discourage him from going to that home.

"workhardplayhard Tue 18-Jan-11 22:15:37
Families don't have social workers unless there is a problem "

I'm afraid that is not true - we have a social worker and dd is on a register with SS - because she is disabled. New claims for DLA are advised to SS in this area. Kids with disabilities which means that they will be unable to live independently need to be "known" to SS and on the Disabled Children's register so that the Local Authority can plan for their future care/accommodation when they are adult/leaving home.
Disabled children do not equal a problem with the family or neglectful/abusive parents.

Just because someone takes drugs, it doesn't mean they are on Harry Brown fucked up level. Bankers, doctors, policemen take coke in vast quantities, you wouldn't even know. If the parents are gurning at the school gates and incoherent that's one thing, but is that the case here? If the parents are so neglectful and fucked up why are they having other children round for tea? If they were mashed up 24/7 I don't think they'd be worrying about reciprocating invitations

Absolutely no way. The other child's happiness and wellbeing really isn't for you to worry about. To be completely frank I don't care what type of drug it might involve if there is even a chance of it, or someone under the influence of it being around my child. It's not being unreasonable or overprotective. It's just a non-starter. I would definitely go with inviting the friend round to you.

Absolutely 100% no way.

1)I'd want to check how needles were disposed of and where said drugs were kept, also what drugs they were and when they were last taken(not particularly keen on my dc being in the care of somebody high).

2. Re neglect I'd want to know what my dc would be doing,who would be caring for them and what the neglect involved. I'd want reassurances they wouldn't be left to their own devices.

3. due to the irresponsibility of caring for children whilst on drugs in the past I'd want to check all areas of the house were safe,that unsuitable DVDs,games etc weren't available,who else would be in the house etc,etc.

Now if you feel able to present all those questions to the parents and get reassurances then fine but if not sorry the child in question would be coming to my house to play and my dc would never be going there.I am responsible for my dc's safety and wellbeing end of.If you don't do the necessary checks and hope for the best you are being irresponsible yourself.

Every playdate carries a slight risk which is why with any family I don't know well I'd do a little bit of research before hand. I wouldn't let my dc go off with a stranger so if I don't know a family I'd suggest a coffee beforehand. If I found out info such as you have described I'd need further reassurances. If I felt unable to do said research I'd say no.

I was in exactly the same situation last year. There were also rumours of the mother working as a prostitute. I never encouraged the friendship tbh. It was hard as DS is not exactly the most popular kid at school and he could have benefitted from having a best friend.

At Christmas, the mum made a kind of package including Poundland sweets and chocolate decorations for DS. I deliberated with DH and we binned it and saved the crafty bits for him (DS does not like sweets and chocolates anyway so did not care). I felt bad about it, still do, whilst feeling that it was the right decision. I really dislike the fact that I had seen info about the family in black and white which I could simply not disregard.

oh everyone knows as the hv that dobbed us in had a loose mouth and there are tons of gossips around here that love a bit of juice

You binned the carefully put together present? Why? What do you possibly think might have been done to it? That is the most paranoid and judgmental thing I have ever read on MN. You should be ashamed of yourself. I hope you didn't tell your son what you had done.

why did you have to mention that it was poundland chocolates and why did you bin them?

if you kept some of it, why throw some away?

totally dont get it

sigh. also sw fwiw. if your ds is 9 you could think about talking it over with him very carefully but thats your call based on how mature/able to understand confidentiality your ds is.

children can stay on a child protection plan for some time, until ss are satisfied that their needs are being met consistantly for a reasonalbe length of time. drug use and lifestyle doesn't always cause overt neglect/feckless parenting but it often makes parents distracted and forgetfull and levels of care become erratic. if the child is turning up on time for school each day, reasonably clean and well clothed then this is a good sign. mum may be engaging well with ss. the suggestion of inviting a friend over may have come from a sw working with the child. i wouldnt be at all surprised, especially if its a bit of out the blue. i have often heard kids say things like 'the house is awful, i cant have friends over, its not fair' etc. might be an incentive for mum.

what you do thins time is your call but consider meeting mum and getting to know her/having a peek at the house.

Toughas, am I missing something, or are you assuming the child is dirty? Why?

figcake, I can't imagine why your ds is not the most popular boy in the class with such a lovely, kind, tolerant and understanding mother.

And nit treatment? You would put strong chemicals on the head of another child without having any inkling of whether or not they have nits? What the fuck is wrong with you?

figcake - i am shocked and upset by your post. i have heard first hand from a very close (now grown up) friend whose mother still is a sex worker. if you knew how heartbreaking/cruel/soul destroying her childhood was, labelled and stigmatised by others knowing about her mum (and this is still an isse!) then i hope you'd think twice next time.

what exaclt was the problrm with her helping her ds with a present for his friend. what did you think she did? wiped down all the sweets with her used bedsheets?

ffs