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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to turf out DH's family?

373 replies

squarebobspongepants · 18/01/2011 05:23

I had DD three weeks ago and DH's family are staying with us (we live abroad so they've come to see our baby and turned it into a two week holiday, grr.) This morning BIL said to me "Can you find a way to keep that baby quiet at night? It woke me up and I found it impossible to drift off again." Arsehole.

Then MIL said "Haha, you better throw those jeans out now 'cause you're never going to get your pre-baby body back." Even bigger arsehole.

And I've had MIL and SIL hanging over my shoulder 24/7 telling me I'm doing everything wrong.

After having a good cry in the bathroom I told DH that they would have to go and stay in a nearby hotel as I just can't cope with them. We have not had any time to be alone with DD because MIL is always grabbing her off me "to give her a cuddle" and then won't give her back when I ask/beg/plead. Anyway, DH says we can't possibly chuck 'em out and that I'll just have to "get over it and fast."
I just feel so sad/lonely and I really don't want to feel like that considering I have a beautiful, healthy baby.

Sorry, haha, rant over.

OP posts:
Original poster
squarebobspongepants · 25/01/2011 05:05

The support on here is amazing. DH and I have met up several times away from ILs and things were okay, he didn't apologise but he did admit he had been a twat. He moved back in (ILs remained at hotel!). Then SIL left horrible messages on my phone saying that I had been a bitch/ruined their holiday and DH admitted he agreed with her.

We had a very big row and he left again. We spoke on the phone today and divorce was mentioned quite a few times. He has said that he will not want to see DD if we divorce so am heading to see about passport/getting her back to the UK, asap.

My mum and brother did arrive though and have been saints through it all, only wish I could be as calm!

OP posts:
TyraG · 25/01/2011 05:25

I'm so sorry he's still being an ass. Good for you in checking out the passport thing. Hope all goes well in getting her back here. And just because he doesn't want to see her doesn't mean he doesn't have to pay support.

thumbdabwitch · 25/01/2011 05:36

What an almighty fuckwit - am so sorry for you, Squarebob! He didn't apologise, he agreed with your SIL that you had ruined their "holiday" and then he said that if you get divorced he would not want to see his DD? ShockAngry

Fuck him off as hard as you can!!
You poor love, what a thing to discover - that your arse of an H thinks so little of you and your child. Bless your mum and brother for being there for you - and I hope you get your DD's passport sorted pronto and the pair of you leave him to it.

So :( that it's come to this - but one bonus would be you never having to put up with his godawful family again!

echt · 25/01/2011 05:54

Gobsmacked that your H can place so little value on you and your child.

So glad that your mum and brother are there to support you.

mummytime · 25/01/2011 06:25

One piece of advice squarebobspongepants, do try to get your H to put something in writing saying you can take your daughter out of the country. The embassy/consulate will probably advise this too.

I am sad it has come to this.

MadAboutQuavers · 25/01/2011 07:06

"he will not want to see DD if we divorce"

And that is the measure of the man

Sad

I'm so sorry SquareBob. You deserve much better than this, but it sounds as though he's not up to the job.

And his family are selfish arseholes. I'm afraid he fits right in with them.

So glad you have support there with you in the form of your mum and brother

Most definitely get your H to put his permission in writing to let your DD out of the country, and get it independently witnessed.

Thinking of you and sending unmumsnetty hugs

SilverSky · 25/01/2011 07:08

Words fail me sponge! Your new arrival should be the absolute apple of your DPs eye and he should be supporting you at this exciting and scary time, but I guess you know this.

The one consolation is that you now know where your DPs priorities lie and I think you are well rid.

No new mother should have to go through what you are going through. Thank heavens for your family.

Unwind · 25/01/2011 07:30

Even saying that he somehow sees you as being unreasonable and having ruined his family's holiday Hmm

That is no justification for his behaviour, no excuse. The most childish and pathetic reasons to walk out and speak of divorce. Besides which, you have blatantly not been unreasonable.

AlistairSim · 25/01/2011 07:44

That's shocking, OP.

Hope you are feeling a bit better now your family are with you.

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 25/01/2011 07:58

Glad your family are there for you. I'm sorry but your husband sounds like a real knob. Shame you found that out now really.

As others have said ensure that you get authorisation to leave the country with your dd as well as the passport.

On a brighter note, I hope you are able to bond better with her now without so much interference.

((())) and I don't care if they are unmumnnetty or not. You deserve them.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 25/01/2011 08:03

He will walk away from his child if you divorce?

Either he is trying to blackmail you or he doesn't love his child at all.

Either way, you're better off without him.

What a bastard.

jenga079 · 25/01/2011 08:05

Oh sponge, I really hope everything turns out ok. I'm glad you've got your mum & bro there.

I totally agree that he is being a prize tit, but i hope you try to keep talking. It would be so sad to divorce now if this is out if character & your relationship has previously been strong. I'm going to be controversial here & say I can see their point of view (i don't agree with it, but i can see it) Their 'holiday' has been ruined (tho it's a ridiculous time for a hol & any sane person would have been a lot more sensitive with a new mum!) and it may seem odd to them that your family are staying with you while they can't (again, I understand completely & have already told dp that his mum can't stay when I give birth but my mum & dad will probably move in to help for a week or so)

You sound like you're handling this brilliantly and hooray for your mum. Good luck!

Chandon · 25/01/2011 08:14

I am so sorry he is behaving so badly.

I never ever jump on the "leave-him!"-bandwagon, but is thsi behaviour out of character??? I hope it is, and he comes to his senses.

I think you are wise to get passport sorted.

Having a baby abroad is hard, I did it myself, and I would not have tolerated a situation liek yours.

I am gobsmacked at your ILs, I really am, I almost cannot believe people like that really exist.

also, very Shockat your H saying to NOT want to see the baby if you or he leaves... Sad

I am so sorry for you. I am glad your family have come to support you.

strawberrycake · 25/01/2011 08:26

This is the one and only time on mumsnet I've agreed with the 'leave-him' brigade, and not suggested ways to talk it through.

Your posts though paint a picture of a man intolerable to live with, and what's more from the sounds of it it's not a question if you split but when.

I'm glad you have at least family to help. Try to be as calm as you can (not easy I know) but consider financies, e.g. house split and savings. Don't be caught out. Leave an address where he can find his daughter should he change his mind about contact, keep this address current, but otherwise forget him. It's easy to want to lash out in anger and just bugger off (a reasonable emotion!) but you'll feel better in the long run (and look better in court if ti comes to it) if you stick to the moral high-ground.

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 25/01/2011 08:28

Oh squarebob, this is truly awful of them. Jenga has got a point about their holiday being ruined from THEIR point of view, but will your DH accept that they ruined the first few weeks of bonding with your DD with their behavior. If he can see both sides then you have a point to work from. If not then any future you have with him will continue in this manner.
As for not wanting to see DD if you divorce, I can only think this is a twisted kind of emotional blackmail, that is the lowest any man can sink.Angry Maybe he thinks you'll cave and accept his idiot ways.
So glad your mum and brother are there with you. What do they think about all this?
You & DD deserve a huge un mumsnetty (((HUG)))

Miggsie · 25/01/2011 08:35

I can only assume he married you as he can't have sex with his mum or sister. You are well away from him and his vile family.

Ihavebeencreditcrunched · 25/01/2011 08:40

I was actually speechless after reading your post SBSP.

Some people behave in a way which baffles and astounds me and your DH is top contender for the prize arse award.

His family may well have thought they could incorporate visiting your new baby with a holiday but they showed no consideration to you as a new mum & family. They were bloody rude and insensitive so you reacted as they deserved. THEY ruined their holiday by their attitude and poor behaviour so can't complain now.

"H" acted like a "twat" ... no! he was a total knobber. He should have stuck up for you at the time and stopped their daftness and it wouldn't have spiraled into this horrible situation. He should have apologise and groveled and begged for forgiveness to you when you met up and bridged the communication between you and his family to patch things up. His "I was a twat" is a poor enough attempt to resolve things but to agree and support his sister shows he really doesn't think he was wrong.

The fact that he didn't again support you after the nasty message...tell his sister never to leave that type of message blah blah... shows he is 100% for his family against you, his wife and child.

HE LEFT AGAIN???? does this man ever stop running away? I understand needing some space..go for a drive, visit a friend NOT walking out on your family TWICE! because you had an argument. He is unreliable and needs to grow up.

The fact that he doesn't want to see his DD if you separate just makes me think he isn't worth it! What kind of person can do this...a selfish, ignorant, pisspoor excuse of a man!

He wants to wash his hands of you both and pretend he doesn't have a daughter...go! you have your mum and brother who really love you and will support you through this. He is ..... no word is strong enough to describe him. Angry

FreudianSlippery · 25/01/2011 08:40

OMG. Only just seen this thread, will read properly later, but FFS. You poor thing :(

oxocube · 25/01/2011 08:42

Am terribly sorry Sponge but it sounds like separation is the best thing. Your husband and his family sound vile.

Dumbo, how heartbreaking. Am glad you have your mum and such good friends in real life. And of course your lovely chidren

CaveMum · 25/01/2011 08:56

So sorry to hear this spongebob. I agree with others that have said your "d"h may be trying to blackmail/frighten you by saying he will never see your daughter again if the two of you divorce.

Make sure you have all the paperwork and everything 100% above board and legally watertight before you leave the country with your family. I'd also second taking a contact address for your DH to send the occasional photo of your daughter and a letter to. That way, in years to come, you can demonstrate to your daughter that you did your best to keep her father in her life.

(((Hugs))) to you and your baby.

TandB · 25/01/2011 09:01

So sorry this has been the outcome, but I guess it is better that you find this out definitively now, rather than it being a dawning realisation after years of unhappiness.

I am not sure if this has been clarified, but is he actually Brazilian or are you both from the UK? I am assuming the former, but the SIL's comment about her holiday made me wonder if they had flown out.

Do you actually need his consent to take DD out of the country? Better to have it, obviously, but I know a couple from south America who had to give each other consent simply because she had kept her own surname so the child did not share a surname with both parents. I am sure someone else knows the definitive answer to this.

Dylthan · 25/01/2011 09:46

I'm so sorry Sad I really hoped that not hearing from you meant that everything was being sorted out.

This all started because his mother and sister wouldn't leave your dd alone and now what? Their all happy to just walk away and never see her again Shock

Thus is the most disgusting thing I've ever read on here they really are the lowest of the low Angry Sad Angry

begonyabampot · 25/01/2011 09:54

I think you have both have points and have become entrenched in who is right. If you can't speak calmly with each other is there someone who can act as a moderator so you don't keep arguing. He is being a twat over the divorce thing and threatening you with not seeing the baby. Or write him a letter or an email so you can calmly state how and why you feel the way you do and give him time to think it over without it all deteriorating into a fight again. If this is his normal behaviour then maybe you really need to think if it's time to cut your losses.

Did I read you are in Brazil? What nationality is he and the baby?

midori1999 · 25/01/2011 09:57

I agree with the above, they have/are treating you absolutely appalingly. Sad

I hope you are managing. I bet your Mum and Brother are thrilled to meet your LO, but it's such a shame it isn't in better circumstances. Great they can support you through this though.

I hope you can sort your LO's passport out, I think you're doing the right thing.

dinkystinky · 25/01/2011 10:00

Oh Squarebob - I am so terribly sorry you're going through such an awful time when it should be the happiest most precious time of your lives welcoming your DD. Sending you huge hugs. It really is your DH's loss - and when he wakes up and realises what he's thrown away, he will kick himself thoroughly. I'm glad your mum and brother are there to support you as DH is so clearly not.

When do his family go home? What do you want? Do you want this man - and his family relations - in your life and your dd's life? Dont let your husband emotionally blackmail you into staying with him - and dont let him get off scott free with his atrocious behaviour. If he wants this marriage to work, you guys are going to have to be able to talk, listen to and support each other - which simply isnt happening now.

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