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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to turf out DH's family?

373 replies

squarebobspongepants · 18/01/2011 05:23

I had DD three weeks ago and DH's family are staying with us (we live abroad so they've come to see our baby and turned it into a two week holiday, grr.) This morning BIL said to me "Can you find a way to keep that baby quiet at night? It woke me up and I found it impossible to drift off again." Arsehole.

Then MIL said "Haha, you better throw those jeans out now 'cause you're never going to get your pre-baby body back." Even bigger arsehole.

And I've had MIL and SIL hanging over my shoulder 24/7 telling me I'm doing everything wrong.

After having a good cry in the bathroom I told DH that they would have to go and stay in a nearby hotel as I just can't cope with them. We have not had any time to be alone with DD because MIL is always grabbing her off me "to give her a cuddle" and then won't give her back when I ask/beg/plead. Anyway, DH says we can't possibly chuck 'em out and that I'll just have to "get over it and fast."
I just feel so sad/lonely and I really don't want to feel like that considering I have a beautiful, healthy baby.

Sorry, haha, rant over.

OP posts:
echt · 21/01/2011 03:36

sunshine what's all this about "following advice", as if the OP was a child? This was posted on AIBU and people gave views. The OP asked, FFS.

As for the patronising shit about hormones as suggested in other posts. Give me strength.

What I have noticed is that all the cautionary stuff has kicked in once the twattish DH has followed through and still sides with his family. The fact that someone stands by an action is no measure of its validity.

He's an arse and the OP is well-warned. No suggestion that a solution is easily reached, mainly due to passport issues as far as I'm concerned, but I can't see how the OP's
DH can finesse this one.

Mithra · 21/01/2011 07:24

Unreasonable behaviour is unreasonable behaviour. It doesn't become right because someone makes an excuse about poor upbringing, being overwhelmed by fatherhood etc.. I doubt that there's anything that the OP's husband could reveal that would make this ok.

I made the mistake of making excuses for my H when DD was born instead of putting my foot down. My only memories of DD's first 6 months are of her dad's attention seeking, moods and overreactions. It could have saved a lot of heartache and hassle if he had walked out and left me to it early on. At least I would have been able to focus on my baby.

I used to make excuses for my H and others because their behaviour was unbelievable to me. I couldn't believe it was really happening.

The OP is not a child who acts on the whim of a group of strangers. She's an adult woman dealing with an unreasonable situation which her H and ILs considered normal. PPs have given an outsider's perspective and the OP is free to do as she thinks best.

I suspect that those who think her DHs actions have been unduly punished are in strong, positive relationships with good men who would never treat their wife and child like this.

There are some relationships which are not worth saving. Only the OP can decide if hers is one of them.

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 21/01/2011 07:27

OP - yeh you had every right to turf out DH's family.

You need time with your dd to bond particularly at the beginning and the manners of DH's family at this are really shocking.

I'm at a bit of a loss as to why DH went with them though and why he hasn't returned.

Hope your mum can get to you soon and your 'D'H has a suitable explaination as to why he's behaving this way. Sad

Good luck.

Longtalljosie · 21/01/2011 07:28

Arguing amongst ourselves isn't ideal. I doubt spongebob would have told her DH's family where they got off if she didn't actually want to.

Spongebob - so glad your mum's coming out. Just the job. Stay in touch x

HecateQueenOfWitches · 21/01/2011 07:34

He doesn't want to see his baby?

Spongebob - you are well rid.

Always remember that he chose his relatives over the woman he had chosen to raise a family with. And that he rejected his child. He doesn't want to see his baby because he is (unreasonably) cross with you. His love for his child should be unconditional and nothing to do with his relationship with you.

lucky1979 · 21/01/2011 07:48

I suspect you inlaws are egging your H on here. So they will be constantly in his ear, telling him to stand his ground and to show you who's boss now or you'll be bossing him around for ever etc etc. His behaviour is absolutely inexcusabe though, and I agree with the others who think that he is waiting for a tearful apology.

I think you have to have a really clear think about what you want here. If he is often manipulative and bullying and treats your needs as being subordinate to his, then you should think very carefully if he can change. If this is totally out of character insanity brought on by being totally out of his depth with a ney baby and egged on by pushy relatives then he may come back to erth with a bang and realise what a twat he's being. If you give in to his tantrum and sulking though YOU will be the one setting a pattern of behaviour so if you can stay calm and collected then all the better. I think I would go for calm and collected but actually turn into a lunatic screaming fishwife shrieking about abandoning his DD and being a pathetic mummy's boy, and if you do end up doing that don't feel bad, it's natural, but the calmer the better! :)

I hope your mum gets out to you soon. In the mean time, depending on why you're in Brazil look immediately into getting a passport for your DD (have you registered her birth yet?) and get that in motion, it will come in handy anyway at some point :)

Good luck, you sound very strong.

TurkeyBurgerThing · 21/01/2011 07:52

What an idiot! That's not teamwork like marriage is supposed to be. He is being massively selfish. I can understand he may feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment (although nothing compared to how a new mum feels!!) and sometimes the only way a man can behave emotionally is like a knobber. But generally you don't have your OH's family hanging there like flies round shit being rude and overbearing and no doubt telling him what he should be doing.

I hope you manage to sort things out once his family have fucked off. I guess if he's any kind of man he'll make an effort as he'll be pretty lonely once his family piss off back to Knobland.

Hope you manage to stay strong. At least you now have time to spend with your baby and you'll get to see your dear old mum.

RunawayFishWife · 21/01/2011 08:06

Pack a bag and go to a hotel, do not tell them where you are.

They are rude and over powering and your husband is a twat.

Katz · 21/01/2011 08:14

OP thinking of you. We had problems with in-laws after dd2 was born. Thankfully DH stood up to them but at the time it was horrible.

rupert1 · 21/01/2011 08:44

OK Yes its time they went but what nasty horrible people they are turning up just when you've had a baby this is a private time do they think its some kind of race to see the baby.Its time they left if necessary with your husband, what irritating people they must be very bored at home .THEY HAVE GOT TO GO NOW.

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 21/01/2011 08:46

OP, huge un MN type hugs to you and your DD.
I have to say though, this is very telling behavior from you 'D'H.
I have overbearing inlaws who have calmed over the last 12 years, but it has been very upsetting at times and they have not even been overtly rude like yours.
DH has struggled to grow into the roll of standing up for me, and our family unit. However he has NEVER put his childrens needs last or ignored them.
Good that your mum is coming over, I also would look into going to or phoning the embassy/consulate for advice about passports etc.
Only you can decide if you can forgive this behavior, but if you do, don't do so without some admission of wrongdoing from DH about his and his family's conduct. If you cave in on that, you are giving him/them a green light to walk all over your feelings time and time again, and they will. Now is the time to stand up and say I'm not a second class citizen, and I need support from you not denial of my feelings.
I hope you can rectify this if it's what you want, if not, sort out a fresh start back home with your wonderful mum's help and support.

KangarooCaught · 21/01/2011 09:21

Why is everyone saying go to a hotel? Presumably Sponge is surrounded by home comforts & a tonne of stuff for the baby. It would however be rather nice when HB finally shows his face to find his MIL moved in! Seriously, I do agree think SBSP does need to talk to dh, & to that end wouldn't pack him a thing.

thumbdabwitch · 21/01/2011 09:23

I think really it's so that he gets a taste of his own medicine, Kangaroo - so that when he rocks back in, expecting SBSP to be all sorry and contrite, he is faced with an empty house and no idea where she or his DD is. Maybe that would shake him enough to worry about them, which currently he doesn't appear to be doing.
But agree that having SBSP's mum there instead is far more poetic justice.

AnyFucker · 21/01/2011 09:32

No, I wouldn't move out either

He will just move his twattish family back in

back to square one except OP is banished from her own house with a newborn !

fuck that

I get the idea this bloke wouldn't notice a "taste of his own medicine" if it kicked him in the goolies

usernamechanged345 · 21/01/2011 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coatgate · 21/01/2011 09:39

So sorry it has come to this. Hope you are OK.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 21/01/2011 09:41

Spongebob - I hope you are okay.

KangarooCaught · 21/01/2011 09:45

Can picture Sponge's hb swanning back after his family have gone home saying what did you expect after you turfed them out? They were guests & I had to look after them. He'll accept no blame but see himself as the virtuous, innocent party. Grr.

Longtalljosie · 21/01/2011 09:48

Anyfucker is right - that's exactly what the husband would do.

This is utterly bonkers. Spongebob, does he have form wrt this sort of behaviour?

Ihavebeencreditcrunched · 21/01/2011 09:58

I agree KangarooCaught It is likely that he feels his actions were justified as defending his "family" and will expect a wholly contrite DW when he returns.

Sod that! he is an ass and deserves a whooping

Plumm · 21/01/2011 10:08

And of course the OP has a bunch of in-laws who think that it's perfectly acceptable for their son to walk out on his 3-week-old daughter.

dinkystinky · 21/01/2011 10:16

Squarebob - am absolutely aghast at your husband's behaviour. How on earth could he NOT want to see his wife and 3 week old daughter!! Dont let his fuckwittedness spoil this special time with your beautiful baby girl - just enjoy the uninterrupted bonding time with her as much as you can. Am sending you very un-MNlike big hugs and hope your mum can get out there quickly and your friends can be your support network (as DH is so clearly failing to be). Just pack all his stuff in his bag and change the locks - he is being an arse of the highest order.

Ihavebeencreditcrunched · 21/01/2011 10:17

The IL probably have given no thought to her needs/feelings other than how "poorly" totally within reason-- she treated them. I am sure they all feel quite smug!

Mermaidspam · 21/01/2011 10:33

What a knob. Tell him to pack his own fucking things.

BlingLoving · 21/01/2011 10:41

I was of the school of thought that said we shouldn't react too hastily but... no matter how much he may or may not be (reasonably or unreasonably) angry with OP, NOT wanting to see the baby is inexcusable.

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