Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

to not let mil take baby out?...

198 replies

mumatron · 16/01/2011 21:13

i had dd2 10 days ago. spent a night in hospital, but every day since mil has called in and asked to take the baby out somewhere.

she lives next door to us and i expected her to call in alot (not a prob, i have always got on very well with her) but why does she feel the need to take her out?

i did let her take her to the shops one day last week but i cried when she went . she has also asked to take her out for the day, to visit family. i have offered to go with her but she seems to want to take her on her own. she wanted to take her into her work place (a hospital) and to the pub for dinner.

dp knows how i feel and he agrees that dd is too little to be out and about without me. she is bf but i do express alot so that dp and others can feed aswell.

now she doesn't ask him, she comes straight to me as she knows i hate saying no.

i find myself making excuses, like i'm expecting mw or my family to call.

it's making me dread her calling, and when she is in i just want to take dd and hide upstairs. everything she does with the baby (holding/talking to) is irritating me and i hate feeling like this.

so, aibu? should i just relax and let her take her out more?

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 19/01/2011 22:39

Yes NanaNina but the OP had tried telling MIL several times that she wasn't ready to let DD out, and yet MIL persisted in ignoring her and even laughed at her. If you do that to someone then it's not surprising they crack and 'have a pop'.

Perhaps she would be a little less devastated if she'd actually listened to the OP in the first place.

DuelingFanjo · 19/01/2011 22:59

But NanaNina, the OP clearly says that he told her (his mum) that if she didn't back of he would stop her from visiting so much, which anyone has the right to do particularly when the guest is uninvited and refuses to listen to simple requests for a bit of space.

DuelingFanjo · 19/01/2011 22:59

off not of

pommedeterre · 19/01/2011 23:13

NanaNina - DIL and MIL is a complicated relationship and one that has changed so much since the current batch of MILS were DILS. One thing is for certain though - laughing at your DILs polite explanation of why she doesn't want to leave her 10 day old baby is not on. Your son getting mad is the least you should expect surely?!

hairfullofsnakes · 19/01/2011 23:28

Agree with pomme! And pomme - sorry to hear about your hard time too

Nana - this mil completely disrespects her dil and her son and is getting off lightly

dietcokeandwine · 19/01/2011 23:28

NanaNina you sound like a lovely mum and grandmother, and I'm sure you are absolutely right about some DILs being as inconsiderate/ rude/ thoughtless / mean as some of the MIL examples on here. And yes, I can understand why the woman was upset, too (I am mum to 2 boys). But to be fair, she has totally brought that upset on herself in this scenario!

The OP has tried being polite and friendly, and was met with resistance; she tried to gently get a bit firmer, spelling out her feelings rather more clearly, and has been belittled and laughed at. All the softly-softly tactics just haven't worked. To be fair, we all reach a point where enough is enough, and that's the point where something snaps, and I suspect that's what's happened here. This is more than a DIL and MIL having a tricky relationship; it is about the MIL in question being way out of order.

OP - best of luck to you - I hope you and DP manage to sort this out happily in the longer term. It sounds as if your MIL is a bit of a 'means well but doesn't quite get it' character. I hope you find a compromise that works well for you all.

thecaptaincrocfamily · 19/01/2011 23:42

No YANBU, expressing at such a young age is not recommended. if she wants to help then providing food, doing ironing etc is what is required. Be firm and say no. I understand this from dd1 and found it difficult to bond due to other people taking over. Explain that you are exclusively breastfeeding and these are ways to help.

MadAboutQuavers · 20/01/2011 02:08

No wonder the OP's MIL is upset

She doesn't listen to a word anyone says, only the way someone says it

OP, you have a great DP who puts your needs first - good on him

diddl · 20/01/2011 08:14

"but I can understand why this woman was upset at her son "kicking off" and telling her to back off or he would stop visiting her so much (sounds like blackmail in a way)-"

Well, if she´d listened in the first place he wouldn´t have had to.

My MIL was rude to me, my husband told her not to speak to me like that again.

She sobbed, asked husband if he still loved her FFS.

TBH, she made an absolute bloody spectacle of herself & neither husband nor I have had any respect for her since.

ledkr · 20/01/2011 16:21

Ooooo i feel so scared,baby coming a week today and pushy pil will immediately step up the game,i have already managed to avoid the same day as birth visit but we will move swiftly onto every weekend,school hols and the latest thing Big family lunch in essex(100 miles away)ledkr wont be ready for long journey so dh can bring the baby to meet everyone. Yeah righty,im having my nb taken at 8 days old,OVER MY DEAD BODY,i know they are th gps and thus have rights etc but THESE ARE OUR BABIES NOT THEIRS

PinkElephant73 · 20/01/2011 16:48

OP I would shut the curtains and not answer the door - what a nightmare!

fedupofnamechanging · 20/01/2011 17:43

ledkr GPs don't have rights. Certainly not the right to go off with your baby whenever they want. I've been through similar stuff with my ILs and I honestly advise you to start as you mean to go on. I think the GP role is very important and can give a lot to your child (if they are nice people), but that role is not to parent, but to love and support/advise.

I've never stopped my ILs from visiting my DC, but I have stopped them from taking my children out without me or DH and and I have controlled their access to my house. At one point (early on when DC1 was tiny) my MIL practically tried to live with us. If she wasn't at work, she was in my home. I found it very stifling. We've had the awkward conversations, where boundaries were set out and although I may see my MIL more than I would like, she doesn't attempt to take over any more. Not saying she has never tried to get stuff past me ever again but I am very clear that the decisions are for me to make and I won't be railroaded. I'd say we have a slightly prickly truce.

It can be done, you just have to stick up for yourself and your family life

cheekyseamonkey · 20/01/2011 18:55

I had the same and dd was (and still is, sighs in frustration) ebf - it drove me mad! DD was a permanently hungry mite & is my pfb. It soon wore off; like you she didn't want me there. So I explained that I knew she was proud and wanted to show her off, but that I would come too. She said never mind and now at 13 months, she barely makes the 5 min journey to visit. Also although dd went to her when we visited for months she's anxiety separation central atm and last weekend I got a smug 'you did this with your clinginess at the start' (ok I'm paraphrasing but the meaning was unmistakable) comment.

diddl · 20/01/2011 19:07

"Yeah righty,im having my nb taken at 8 days old,OVER MY DEAD BODY,"

Never gave my ILs the pleasure of seeing mine without me either.

ledkr · 20/01/2011 20:24

karma it seems like an epidemic doesnt it?I am an older mum but have had 4 other dcs from my previous marriage and ex mil wasnt like this at all.
I appreciate that its new pils 1st gc but ive had a fraught pg fending off stupid suggestions,and the thing is its not just visits its overnight visits which they just assume is ok,involves stressing about bedding,food and best behaviour which is hard enough as it is without being post section/birth.We have it managed for now as im having my section next thursday and they cant come to the hospital as it has partner and kids visiting only due to flu and so they will come the following weekend,my only concern now is that they will prob bring sil which is 3 people to accomodate grrrr,have never offered to go to hotel just presume they can stay here,i have no spare room so will have them all downstairs when i want to get up and watch crap tvstart my day.

finallyfree · 20/01/2011 20:46

YANBU!!! i dont mean to sound harsh but it all seems a little strange to me that she wants your baby and not you?? Perhaps she wants to play mummy but your baby is TINY!!!! and needs to be with you. Perhaps you could say something like "i'd rather you didnt go out but would you mind watching baby while i have a little nap?"

diddl · 20/01/2011 20:50

"Perhaps you could say something like "i'd rather you didnt go out but would you mind watching baby while i have a little nap?""

Could MIL be trusted not to sneak out, though?

ledkr · 20/01/2011 20:55

or could say "id rather you didnt go out but would you mind acting like a normal gma and just visit"

fedupofnamechanging · 20/01/2011 21:24

If I'd asked mine not to go out, she would have done it anyway as soon as my back was turned, esp with my FIL encouraging her. He gave her the bullets, for her to fire

I do feel a bit sorry for my MIl, as her MIL basically took over with my DH when he was little and she was openly critical of my MIL. My impression is that she got walked all over and not supported by my FIL.

I think when I had my babies, she and FIL thought they could take over with mine and maybe get back what they'd missed with DH.

Anyway, things are okay now. I don't think we will ever have a completely easy relationship, but she does acknowledge that I am a good mother and I acknowledge that she loves my children, so I see her pretty often (usually once a week). She does phone now before she comes around, but I did have to have some frank conversations because hints didn't seem to work.

Flisspaps · 21/01/2011 08:09

diddl What, like the poster on here last year - where MIL ran off with the baby mid-visit to show her friends across town (or something like that)

diddl · 21/01/2011 08:28

Yes-in her slippers wasn´t it?

My MIL was desperate to take our toddler out without us to see a neighbour-I was OK about it until she couldn´t put the reins on him & so said:"Oh, no, it´s OK-he won´t let go of Gran´s hand will he?"
(Walk was along a main road)

So I said very loudly-we won´t be long, I´m sure you can wait.

Don´t think she knew what had happened as she was so used to getting her own way!

Oh & the neighbour was lovely & we had much more to say to each other than her & MIL

ledkr · 21/01/2011 09:01

i remember that thread,that mil was truly mental tho wasnt she?What is the obsession with getting the dcs away from us do you think?Nobody is going to believe the baby is theirs,they would be better just working on the relationship with dil and thus be able to spend more time with the gc.No brainer really.

cheekyseamonkey · 21/01/2011 18:47

Phew, so glad it wasn't just me being mental.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8