to not let mil take baby out?...

[mumatron]

i had dd2 10 days ago. spent a night in hospital, but every day since mil has called in and asked to take the baby out somewhere.

she lives next door to us and i expected her to call in alot (not a prob, i have always got on very well with her) but why does she feel the need to take her out?

i did let her take her to the shops one day last week but i cried when she went . she has also asked to take her out for the day, to visit family. i have offered to go with her but she seems to want to take her on her own. she wanted to take her into her work place (a hospital) and to the pub for dinner.

dp knows how i feel and he agrees that dd is too little to be out and about without me. she is bf but i do express alot so that dp and others can feed aswell.

now she doesn't ask him, she comes straight to me as she knows i hate saying no.

i find myself making excuses, like i'm expecting mw or my family to call.

it's making me dread her calling, and when she is in i just want to take dd and hide upstairs. everything she does with the baby (holding/talking to) is irritating me and i hate feeling like this.

so, aibu? should i just relax and let her take her out more?

i have taken a huge interest in these threads since being pg,to give me some perspective on pils.I have been married before but pil lived locally so no long visits etc as i have now.The saddest thing is when i read them is,the amount of young families esp dils who are having precious times which they will never get back and families broken by lingering grudges cos of this,It seems that the main culprit is cowardly dh's who cannot speak up to their parents,my ds was 18 when he put me in my place for being a vile "mil" if he can do it why cant grwon men manage it.When dils have to speak up it can cause bad feeling.

fel1x - I know what you are saying but it's not a favour to me as much as a favour to her. They were coming down Friday pm - I said dd would be starting Fridays at nursery from that week, dh said to wait and asked them to come down thursday pm as then she can have dd for the day. Saves me £50 yes I know but that £50 was budgeted for and tbh I always feel calmest when dd is being looked after at nursery than by anyone else.
She sees dd approx 1 x 6 weeks and I know she loves her days alone with her.

I cannot believe that anyone would love someone appearing with all their own food and just taking over the cooking when they visit. Really?! I find it very insulting. She brings her own teabags ffs. To come home from work and find her cooking tea in my house post a day with dd would be hard. Drives me insane. The implication feels very much like I'm not up to the job. Backed up normally by comments from FIL. He has taken to asking me every time he sees me feeding dd if it's homemade.

In terms of how she is with the baby. Hmm. In the beginning she was just soo unempathethic. Would just take dd and not give her back even when dd was bawling and I was the only person who could calm her. Would never believe she was hungry and would do that jiggling bollocks instead of handing her back during bf/ feeding her when ff. At 3 days post birth this was traumatic. Little better at 10 weeks old. She talks back to me as dd saying things like 'Not interested mummy' if I say it's bath time. She has referred to herself as mummy with dd. She never asks if she can feed dd just grabs the pot. She 'takes over'. She imposes odd rules on dd without asking me what normally happens, e.g. 'You're not allowed in the hall' (cue bewildered dd being fetched back from normal crawling territory).

It's hard to put into words. It just seems like she can't relinquish the 'mother' role and not being the centre of the immediate family that has children in it. She came down once when approx a week before dd had been unwell and gave me some calpol and vicks vapour rub. I know on the face on it sounds odd to hear alarm bells at that but it feels like a step too 'near'.

I'm going to put a disclaimer on my feelings about food. Dh and I are well off, possibly set to be very well off soon. I agree that if things were tight then I might feel very differently. 3-4 days would still feel like 1-2 days too long though.
Maybe I'm just too much of a private person but I feel invaded and want it to stop.

Like Ledkr I find these threads really interesting now I have a baby. I did have a little chuckle to myself when my MIL called him 'my baby' and said she had forgotten to tell a friend 'that I had had him' (i.e she had had him!!) and also when she suggested we put him on a plane to visit her when he's 'a little bit older so you can go off and spend some time together'! I just let it all go over my head.

I also chuckle about the fact I now have a son as so many mumsnetters have said I will one day become a dreaded MIL who is hated by her DIL

YANBU tell mil you will let her take baby out when she is off the breast. . .i.e. 6 months +
I think she has a darn cheek IMHO asking you when your new baby is so new, , ,10 days old !!!
She can jolly well wait. . . . Your baby is yours and bf and vey very young. . .its so cold too. I dont blame you feeling the way you do. . .quite right !!

I think the OP has got the message loud and clear that her MIL is out of order and especially after agreeing with her that baby is too young and then asking to take her shopping.......??

Pommedeterre - I think whatever your MIL does she won't be able to do right for you. It's very sad that she irritates you so much. Can you not just tell her that you would prefer that she doesn't bring food, T bags, look in your fridge, or touch your washing. In fact that she didn't touch anything in your house.

I know the thing about pretending the baby is talking - it's a bit daft but it's just an old fashioned thing that people used to do. My own MIL did it and I took no notice.
Can't you just say "Oh she is allowed to crawl in the hall" or whatever it is. It sounds like you don't let her know how irritated you are by her and this may be increasing your frustration.

As for bringing the Vick and Calpol, again I'm sure she thought she was being helpful.

WI think it's sad because I think children have a right to have a relationship with their extended families, both sides of the family.

Poor pomme and duellingfanjo

Your mil's sound like bloody nightmares and sorry nana but I think many mil's overstep the mark and I just want to shout at these women (the mil's) it's NOT your baby! What about a mother's right to enjoy her precious child without stress? My mil hardly showed any interest in my dh before we had kids and we saw her less than a handful of times a year and suddenly it was grandma this and that and she wanted to come to see me as soon as I had given birth and when I told her I would probably want a day or two just me and baby and dh she banged on about how she was the grandma. I immediately said well I am the MOTHER and I want time with my new baby before I see anyone. And I know for a fact when she had her kids she would not let anyone hold them for ages or even feed them food when they weaned yet she expected to be in my face as soon as my baby was born
No chance and I started as I mean to go on. She is always banging on about a work colleague whose mum looks after her baby and goes all misty eyed so my dh said to her 'well I am glad our babies are with msKLo as babies need their mums in my opinion and she stopped banging on after that. She acts jealous of our time as parents and does nothing to make me ever want to leave my kids alone with her - I won't do so either

Nana
I suspect pomme would be more relaxed about her mil in the house doing things if her mil was generally not so imposing with baby etc

pomme I agree it sounds like she oversteps the mark, but she sounds in essence a kind woman. A lot of what you describe sounds like the behaviour of someone who is desperate to be helpful and accepted, and the more you keep her at arm's length the more of this behaviour she is likely to exhibit.
I'm not sure what relevance your income has to the discussion...

I dunno

referring to herself as baby's mummy and talking as baby and saying 'not interested mummy' is enough for me - fucking rude and there is no way i could stand that

pomme i feel for you i really do and for the OP!

tsc
Pomme sorry i didnt mean to down play your concerns,god knows my pil irritations may seem like nothing to others.My in laws are lovely but i feel that they find it hard to accept that their dcs have partners who may not be as keen to spend as much time with them as their dcs.They are not our parents and personally speaking mine arent my kind.I like a drink,i talk too much and am very outspoken,i have lots of similar friends.Whilst i dont mind being on my best behaviour and playing hostess now and then,i do not want to do it every weekend or when i have had a section 3 days earlier
My pil were planning to arrive the day i give birth and stay for a week-how about my friends,dcs and family?How about time with dh and baby,how about me feeling crap and wanting a rest,how about the fact i have no room and dont wish to get up every morning and have to chat when ive been awake with baby?I could go on.Its sorted now but ive had so much worry about it.
I adore my dil and help as much as she likes me to but have NEVER pushed myself on her or dgs.
Oh byw,pil came to our "secret private us only wedding" and also repeatedly "visited us"on a week away in a luxury cabin with hot tub.On the 3rd day they were coming i opened some wine,lit a fag and got into the hot tub in my old pants-dh rang and camcelled them hahah

oh my goodness I have a 6 month old and have never keft him with anyone other than DH and even then for no more than a max of 30 minutes I cannot imagine the stress of trying to stop a MIL trying to take him for the whole day now let alone at 10 days (luckily I have a lovely MIL who wouldn't dream of being so pushy). Poor you - do put her straight though or you'll live in permanent dread of her visits/calls.

Okay so just be straight with her. Babies should avoid public places until they have built a bot of immunity up.
I know of one family- really relaxed with the newborn- taking her on trains and planes. Sadly she contracted meningitis and is now permanently and totally deaf.

ledkr

you are my kind of person! but ya know that already you lovely, sassy lady you!

Seems there are some pushy mils on here. I have 3 sons and 3 dils and with all 5 of the children, the rule was that no one could stay in the house for the first 2 weeks. Visits yes, but no overnighters. Suppose I found this a bit wierd cus it wasn't like that in my day and I needed my mum and older sisters to come and help with my firstborn. However I accepted totally their reasons, and often it meant staying in a nearby hotel, but they were very grateful for me to take food in for them!

I had a tricky time with my own mil, as she constantly talked of when her own children were born etc and she was rather bossy abut what should andshouldn't be done. I didn't need her advice because I had my own mom and 3 older sisters all who lived locally and all had children. However, I just rode it out with my MIL as my own mum reminded me that he was her first grandchild, and she was excited and wanted to be part of things.
We had little in common but I stayed on good terms with her all her life, as she was essentially a kind woman, if irritating at times and thinking that her sons should not do any of the housework etc (which was actually quite common in those days)

I don't want to get into a mil v dil thing here. I just hoped to post from a different angle. At the risk of repeating myself can I say to all you young mums who are advising the OP to be firm, tell her no, etc etc it often sounds like you are talking about dealing with a naughty child than a grandmother, and remember you will in all probability be MILs yourself one day. I vowed that I would never be over bearing like my MIL and I have kept to my vow and have not had any difficulties, only joy in my grandchildren.

I much preferred my mother to my MIL which is only natural and no I didn't like my mil giving my firstborn his bottle but I just accepted it,, whereas I didn't feel like that with my mom and my sisters. I hope I never showed that to my MIL and I never much cared for my FIL but again I felt my children had a right to an enduring relationship with my H's parents as well as mine.

Just out of interest, do any of you MIL bashers (sorry bit strong but can't think of anything else just now) feel the same way about your own mothers.

I wonder (and I admit from reading the posts that some MIL are nutters) what their side of the story is...

NanaNina - I think the real problems arise when a MIL (or mum) does stuff like saying they want to give a bottle to an exclusively breastfed baby because they feel like they have a right to be a part of the feeding, or that they want to take a very new baby out shopping or to visit their friends, or they hold onto the baby for hours on end jiggling it about and refusing to let the baby's mum have him/her back.

MIL bashing it may be, but some of the behaviour by some MILs is worth bashing really.

I don't think any grandparent has an automatic right to be part of things. They should at least wait to be invited, particularly when it means taking the baby away from his/her own mum for any length of time.

If my mum acted like some of the MILs mentioned in this thread then, yes, I would be upset about it.

I

Yes she is in essence a kind woman but she cannot stand not being 'the mother' anymore for lots of different reasons I believe. However, anyone who does not hand a screaming 3 day old baby back to its hormonal milk-coming-in-boobs-like-jordan mother for TWO HOURS whilst said mother weeps in a dark corner has some issues.
My own mother was much, much more respectful and helpful which made the contrast between how I felt about the two women even more stark from the beginning. Totally different attitudes. Both sets of gps stayed for two days in the 2 weeks post birth and both stayed in a hotel. PILS arrived at 9am and stayed until 10.30pm. My parents left us to eat the dinner mum had cooked on our own. Rang in the morning at 10am to see when was a good time to come round and went to Tesco for us.
Also MIL did some things that we now know are BAD when it comes to infant feeding and wanted me to follow suit (hence present of baby rusks to dd at ten weeks old ffs).
Nana - you may be right in that early interactions are very much still colouring how I feel about her.

Please note that I have never deprived her of time with dd and she has had three full days alone with dd. She is in no way missing out. My mum has had nowhere near as much alone time with dd I don't think.
Comment about income was related to something someone else had posted further up about being grateful for the contribution.

*nannyogg" read my posts,i am a nanny and mil and mum to be sosee noth angles but when ds was born over 20 yrs ago i was in hospital for 5 days-normal delivery-and now i am having a section next week and will be home after 24-48hrs am i therefore being horrible not to want pil here as soon as i get home and have to worry about beds and food and manners etc?I know they will be excited but i am also important as is dd and dh,there are visiting hours in hospital for a reason.
The people who have probs with pil and in fact dps are not always bashing,its just that we also have the right to a family life with and without parents.
Personally i think the op deserves a medal just for living in harmony next door to the pil.

Glad you have not taken offence at my posts pomme, but I do wonder why you allowed your new baby to cry for 2 hours while you weeped in a dark corner. Could you just not have taken the baby back and nursed her or soothed her in the way that only a mother can.

For those of you that wonder about the other side, I could write reams about the behaviour of some dils. All of my women friends (apart from one) have dils and yes we do have a moan together sometimes. Some of the things that I hear from my friends are so sad. One of my friends did a lot of hand knitting for her first grandchild and got a lot of pleasure out of it. I did warn her that babies these days don't really wear much hand knitted stuff like our babies did. Anyway she sent it all off when the baby arrived (they live 200 miles apart) and phoned to ask how things were (and hoping for an invite to see her first g/child which wasn't forthcoming) and asked if the clothes had arrived safely. The dil replied "Oh yes but babies don't wear stuff like that anymore" - how hurtful is that - could she not have just said "oh yes thankyou, they're lovely" even if the baby wasn't going to wear them. Eventually she phoned her son to ask when they could visit and he was vague saying "Oh ..... and I will sort something out" - she didn't actually get an invite until the baby was 4 months and then felt very uncomfortable during the 2 day visit as the dil spent most of the time on herlaptop or mobile talking to friends.

I have lots more examples but won't go on - it is a 2 way street you know. There is a book called "Birth of a MOther" and there should be one called Birth of a Grandmother" and I've often thought of writing one.

This r/ship between 2 women is complex and has been a problem through the ages. I wonder if the root of it is some sort of rivalry, though I'm not sure.

Anyway sorry OP I hope I am not hi-jacking your post. Just want to show a bit of the other side. I have other women friends who tip toe around their dils for fear of upsetting them. I think each woman needs to show sensitivity and understanding to each other and if they can, talk through any difficulties.

nana i find it very interesting hearing the other side of the coin,how sad.I personally am gutted that nobody knits anymore as love old fashioned baby cardis etc.There are extremes on both sides,how awfull to make a gma wait 4 months to see her gchild,i couldnt sit down until id seen mine,had to wait to be invited to the hospital by ds and dil they were teen parents but still entitled to do as they wished.On the other hand there are mils like the ones we've talked about on here,my mil,i felt,was completely pushing my needs to one side in her rush to be here as soon as i come home.I am glad we have reached a compromise now as that is the sort of thing which leads to resentment which goes on for years and ruins families.What a pity we cant do anything-cant help thinking its the men who need to step it up a bit.Fil and dh to talk to their respective wives.

Nana - You're right but it didn't feel like that at the time. PILS had arrived in the am and gone on and on about how great MIL was with babies for hours. She'd been very bossy over nappy time etc. DH wanted her to hold baby. I was soooooo tired post hideous induction/assisted delivery/stitches etc I just couldn't cope and took the cowards way out. It might be worth adding dd was the first baby I'd ever held so felt understandably out of mhy depth (as many mums do now). Since then I have just wrenched (I have to be forceful MIL grips on) dd off MIL when she has been really crying. Don't most people just naturally give a baby back when it screams?!
I really do think she gets lost in her little fantasy world of being dd's mother when she's here. i also think coming to terms with dh being proper grown up is difficult for her atm.
Agree the men are holding these relationships up a lot.
I promise that I was bought up very nicely and MIL has no idea I feel like this. Think I was bought up too nicely. My mum and I both suffer from hideous over politeness syndrome.

Pomme - only thing I would add is that the sound of your own baby crying is something that cuts through you like a knife. It is just a minor irritation to others ... The sound of my DCs crying would have heart racing and me in a sweat trying to get to her quick enough. Sound of niece crying (and I love her dearly) means I just have to talk a little louder to carry on the conversation.

Clearly I would never hold a crying baby for 2 hours (why???), but am happy to hold one if it gives the mother a short break.