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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let mil take baby out?...

198 replies

mumatron · 16/01/2011 21:13

i had dd2 10 days ago. spent a night in hospital, but every day since mil has called in and asked to take the baby out somewhere.

she lives next door to us and i expected her to call in alot (not a prob, i have always got on very well with her) but why does she feel the need to take her out?

i did let her take her to the shops one day last week but i cried when she went . she has also asked to take her out for the day, to visit family. i have offered to go with her but she seems to want to take her on her own. she wanted to take her into her work place (a hospital) and to the pub for dinner.

dp knows how i feel and he agrees that dd is too little to be out and about without me. she is bf but i do express alot so that dp and others can feed aswell.

now she doesn't ask him, she comes straight to me as she knows i hate saying no.

i find myself making excuses, like i'm expecting mw or my family to call.

it's making me dread her calling, and when she is in i just want to take dd and hide upstairs. everything she does with the baby (holding/talking to) is irritating me and i hate feeling like this.

so, aibu? should i just relax and let her take her out more?

OP posts:
NanaNina · 16/01/2011 23:39

I am posting as a MIL of 3 dils and 5 grandchildren. I don't want to be shot down in flames, but just posting from another angle.

Is this your Mils first g/child - whether it is or not, something happens to us when we becomes grandmothers - we sort of re-live having our own babies and awakens some kind of "grandmotherly love" in us that has lain dormant for many years, as our own kids have long gone. I was amazed when this happened to me and I knew of course thatmy first wonderful g/ch was not mine, but I wanted to be a part of things and I was lucky because I had a lovely dil who was really generous withletting me look after the baby. Yes I too wanted to take her out in the pram on myown and did so when she was quite young (can't remember - only a few weeks) cus I was worried I had been gone too long but my son and dil were fine about it.

Mothers are asking why does she want to show the baby off --it's obvious, she is soooooo proud tobe a grandparent and showing her off with sole responsibility for her is a lot different than mom being there too. I agree 10 days old is far far too early to be taking her places, and am pretty sure my first g.ch was about 9 months before I showed her off to my work colleagues.

It's something obout re-living the past, but I actuallythink (though it cannot be ptroven) that hormones play a part in the way that they do when we give birth - we love our g/chdrn so much that it is the agony and the ectacy all over again. It wears off a bit over time though I still would die for any of my g.chd.

Not sure I agree with putting time limits on this business. OP you say you have a good r/ship with your mil -can't you stroke her arm and say in a nice soft voice something like "I know you love...... but can you be a bit more patient cus I think it's a bit early for her to be out and about without me, maybe I'm fussing but that's how I feel - can you understand - I'm sure I'll feel differently when she's a bit older and will welcome a break from her"

I'm sticking my head on the chopping block here but all the mothers who are saying be Firm, your baby, your rules, etc etc....have a little think...if you have sons, you will in all probability be mils yourselves ones day and you might just see things differently.

I'll just retire now to put on my hard hat!

MsKLo · 16/01/2011 23:46

Nananina

It is good to get a grandma perspective but i know sooooo many stressed dil's out there and I vow to always remember that however hormonal I feel, it is just not fair to impose on my dil. I HATE it when my mil does this, it puts my back up a lot and I will not have her impose trying to relive her mummy days on me. My mum doesn't do this and she doesn't do this to my brothers wives either. Mil's need to step back and let the dils issue the rules! Anything else is just too much!

MsKLo · 16/01/2011 23:48

By the way nana - you sound lovely! Don't want you to think I was having a go at you personally

X

ledkr · 17/01/2011 00:29

hi mrs klo and nananina i am due in 10 days and am also mil and gma,i aggree about the bond but also important to remember that we have had our kids (or so i thought)and allow others to enjoy theirs and do things their way,cant elaborate as too tired but im sure you get the point.Only have a few children in our lives,dont want to waste a minute as we know how quick they grow.

Weta · 17/01/2011 01:27

Nananina, I totally agree with your post.

This is way too early etc, but your approach sounds ideal if the OP has a good relationship with her MIL.

Also I think it's really good for grandparents to spend time on their own with their grandchildren as having some responsibility for them forges a much closer bond.

I think lots of DILs are very precious about the whole thing - in some cases I think it reflects on their relationship with the MIL apart from the children, and in others maybe their own anxieties as parents. My SIL was absolutely dreadful to my mum in this way for about 7 years and it was heartbreaking to see what it did to my mum (who is very non-interfering, but my SIL had some kind of personality clash with her).

ZacharyQuack · 17/01/2011 01:39

NanaNina, thanks for posting. It's good to hear a grandma's POV.

onmyfeet · 17/01/2011 03:26

She wants to take out a 10 day old infant, in winter, during flu season?
I think not.
Tell her the baby is too young to be out and about at the moment, and to please stop pressuring you!

onmyfeet · 17/01/2011 03:30

Regarding showing baby off, yes, of course, my mil was heavily into taking out our ds2, but not as a newborn infant...in winter, during flu season. It isn't like she wants to bring baby over to her home and invite her friends over to have tea and see the baby.
There is plenty of time for baby to go out with grandma and be shown off.

MadAboutQuavers · 17/01/2011 04:01

The OP has just had a baby, a matter of days ago

Her thoughts, feelings and sensibilities are the most important at the moment. She shouldn't have to have the stress of worrying about anyone elses

MsKLo · 17/01/2011 04:49

Not long to go ledkr! How exciting for you x

PenguinArmy · 17/01/2011 05:11

At this stage in the game you ideally shouldn't be expressing too much anyway as it can lead to oversupply problems and cause fussy eating later.

I agree with others 10days is too soon and shouldn't be for more than one missed feed (or ideally none).

Once DD got to 6 weeks I allowed MIL and FIL to take her out for 3-4 hours. When she started becoming a fussy eater (10 weeks) then I wouldn't let them feed her, so 3 hours except for special occasions (for them not me). After dealing with a nursing strike due to too many bottles, I was loathe to go any where near them again.

pommedeterre · 17/01/2011 09:28

Nananina - Please please tell me when it wears off. 10 months in and I still can't sleep for a whole TWO weeks before my MIL comes to visit because of how she takes over with dd and the house. It's getting me down a lot and causing ruptions between dh and myself. It really is like she wants to be me, like she can't let go of the 'mother' role and doesn't want the slightly more peripheral 'grandmother' role at all.
The house thing I'm determined to sort out but with the baby no idea... Seems so harsh to tell her how to be with her own g/c but she's so... argh.
She is a lovely woman just....temporarily insane and (imo) determined not to take any notice of me and the 'new order'.
She's coming in a couple of weeks and babysitting dd here in my hosue for a whole day. I'm tying myself in knots about it.
Anyway - OP stand firm now. So much easier now than further down the line. Also get your dh on side NOW.

fedupofnamechanging · 17/01/2011 09:50

pomme, if this is tying you in knots and you don't want to leave your baby with your MIL for the whole day, it is okay for you to say you are not ready. You don't have to feel bad or guilty about it. Your MIL wouldn't want you to feel this way every time she visits, so you need to change things so that you are happy in her company.

If she was the sort of MIL who didn't care about how you feel, then she is not worthy of consideration in the first place.

You have my sympathy - years ago I had to have quite a blunt conversation with my MIl. If I hadn't, then she would have completely taken over and that would have bred long lasting resentment. Neither of you want that.

pommedeterre · 17/01/2011 10:01

Thanks Karma - this will be the third time she has done this (babysit dd in our house) and if she wasn't here then dd would be starting doing fridays at nursery that week (she already does weds). So it makes sense for them to come down Thurs pm instead of Friday during the day. It will save me £50 I guess!
I've asked dh to talk to FIL about the house. I want MIL to stop bringing huge amounts of food down with her including a cool box full of a meal she will then cook for us all in the evening. She will also rummage through my fridge and 'add in' bits she finds. She moves stuff around in my house when she's there without me. She puts all the washing away including hanging up unironed shirts in the wardrobe (wtf?). In short she's outta control. I'm going to deal with this first and then then babies. I'm hoping to start ttc conceive soon so at least with the second one I'll know how to manage things through with her!!
If dh talking to FIL doesn't work then you are right I need to have a blunt convo with her with everything set up (ie. I'm going to do a casserole on Thurs to heat up fro Fri, I'm not going to leave any washing out etc etc).
Family relationships post baby so should be included on antenatal classes curriculum!!

brightlightsandpromises · 17/01/2011 10:05

Repeat after me: Thankyou but No Thankyou but No Thankyou but No.

If she asks why, say because this is my Son, you are not taking him around to show off to all of your friends/familiy/random people you might meet on the street. There will be plenty of time for you to do the doting granparent bit later on. Now if you do not mind, please do not put me under pressure, when i should be enjoying bonding with my newborn.

MsKLo · 17/01/2011 10:07

Poor you pomme

How old is baby now? It is hard as she is babysitting but she shouldnt be overstepping house boundaries and privacy

NinkyNonker · 17/01/2011 10:07

Remind her that bf isn't just food,it is comfort. She can't go all day without you at that age!

Lamorna · 17/01/2011 10:09

I don't think that you need to be all possessive with the my, just tell her firmly that you can go together.

LadyBiscuit · 17/01/2011 10:10

My dad took my DS out for a walk for about an hour when he was that age and I was in bits the entire time. 10 weeks maybe not 10 days.

And anyone who thinks taking a newborn to a hospital is a good idea is clearly bonkers.

YANBU at all - you and your DH need to talk to her together.

Original poster
mumatron · 17/01/2011 10:24

ok, so have just had mil in for her morning visit. i thought i would get in before she had a chance to ask about taking her out. i told her i wanted to spend abit more quiet time with the baby, especially with the other dc in school. I said that i didn't feel up to letting her go out and that hopefully in the near future i would be more relaxed etc etc. didn't put a time scale on it.

she said that she completely understood what i was saying, obviously the baby and i need to bond, plenty of time for outings later, let her get into a routine etc etc......

then she asked if she could take her shopping Confused Shock.

i feel like banging my head off a wall.

i explained the hv was due to call, baby had an unsettled night and so on but she obviously didn't listen to what i had been saying.

And i'm annoyed because if i had said yes she could take her, she was planning on taking her to fil's doctors appt first, without telling me. That just made me even more anxious about letting hertake her. what if she say's she's taking her to the shop for 10 minutes then decides to go visiting people?

i've just had a word with dp again and he is not impressed. I'm going to call into hers this afternoon when i've had some sleep and try and explain again. I'd rather it comes from me as he will only upset her.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/01/2011 10:25

Mumatron - could you maybe say something like 'I really don't want you to take her out of the house or among strangers, but it would be lovely if you could pop over at X time and look after her for a bit while I have a shower and make myself feel human and then we'll have a coffee/lunch'.

I had my MIL staying for a week when DS was 2 weeks old, and apart from her trying to get him to suck his thumb Hmm she was fab. I'd had an EMCS and was in a right mess - weeping scar, lots of pain, struggling with feeding etc.
She looked after DS each morning while I got showered and dressed etc, she did shopping, cooked the dinner and brought me cups of tea and cake while I was BFing.

Perhaps your DH could have a word, but she needs to focus on being helpful and supportive at this stage and she will get plenty of cuddles, and then the outings can come later!

Mishy1234 · 17/01/2011 10:27

YANBU. She is a tiny baby and needs to be with you.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/01/2011 10:28

x-posts!

I would let your DP speak to her. She needs a firm speaking to.

The baby shouldn't be going to the Drs, or the hospital or anywhere were there is a higher than average risk of coming across someone with the flu!

Also, how long was she planning to be out for? At 10/11 days old you need to be feeding on demand, which you can't do if the baby isn't with you!!

MommyMayhem · 17/01/2011 10:30

No, no, no! She can't take a 10 day old baby out. She is just too young. There are so many viruses around at the moment, it's not like it's the middle of summer. I can't believe she wanted to take her to the doctors!

Was is it about MILs that they think they can do as they please?

Tell her no - not until the baby is older and the weather is better.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/01/2011 10:32

Mommy - not fair to tar all MILs with the same brush I don't think. It is just some people who are daft and somewhat selfish.