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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let mil take baby out?...

198 replies

mumatron · 16/01/2011 21:13

i had dd2 10 days ago. spent a night in hospital, but every day since mil has called in and asked to take the baby out somewhere.

she lives next door to us and i expected her to call in alot (not a prob, i have always got on very well with her) but why does she feel the need to take her out?

i did let her take her to the shops one day last week but i cried when she went . she has also asked to take her out for the day, to visit family. i have offered to go with her but she seems to want to take her on her own. she wanted to take her into her work place (a hospital) and to the pub for dinner.

dp knows how i feel and he agrees that dd is too little to be out and about without me. she is bf but i do express alot so that dp and others can feed aswell.

now she doesn't ask him, she comes straight to me as she knows i hate saying no.

i find myself making excuses, like i'm expecting mw or my family to call.

it's making me dread her calling, and when she is in i just want to take dd and hide upstairs. everything she does with the baby (holding/talking to) is irritating me and i hate feeling like this.

so, aibu? should i just relax and let her take her out more?

OP posts:
kitbit · 16/01/2011 21:29

No! No no no. You are bonding with your baby. Dd2 needs to hear and smell you and know that you are there. You are imprinting on each other, she is learning how you respond to her cries and building trust in you, and you are gradually together finding a pattern.

Nutty MIL will disrupt all that and make you and dd2 very unsettled.

Tell her once you have settled together she can take her for walks but if she doesn't back off now you'll never settle so she won't ever get to do it. But nicely, obv. :)

Muser · 16/01/2011 21:29

You are so far from being unreasonable that you can't even see the line of unreasonableness. Who takes a 10 day old baby more than a room away from its mum? No no no.

MrsGravy · 16/01/2011 21:29

YANBU!

Just tell her exactly what you put there 'I know in a few weeks I will be grateful for the offers etc etc'. I think that's perfect!

Or get your DH to tell her to back off.

Congratulations btw!

AllGoodNamesGone · 16/01/2011 21:30

Sounds like she wants to relive being mummy for a while which she can't do to the same extent if you are there.

Ask your DH to pop round to his mum and explain that she's making you anxious with her constant requests (perhaps he could ask how old he was before she felt comfortable leaving him) and that you will let her know when you'd be open to her doing a bit of babysitting.

He could also point out that ten days old is way too tiny to be visiting a hospital (or indeed a pub!) especially with all the nasty bugs flying around at the moment.

At ten days it is completely normal and instinctive for you not to want to be parted from your baby (and your baby not to want to be parted from you) heck, when mine were that tiny, I didn't even like letting other people push the pram when I was there - I felt uneasy if I didn't have hold of the handles myself, I know it was daft but I couldn't help it, and grandparents always wanted to push and could be rather forceful about it, ie, elbowing me out of the way which was very stressful (once they were hefty toddlers, the grandparents were very welcome to have a turn!)

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 16/01/2011 21:30

Just be honest - say that you can't bear to be away from her but that in a couple of months time it would be lovely for her to spend some time getting to know her DGD.

If she is a remotely decent person then this will just make her go 'awww' and go and make you a cuppa.

Icoulddoitbetter · 16/01/2011 21:30

My MIL offered to look after DS for the evening when he was about two weeks old. I think she was quite surprised when we both said no it was too soon. She'd done this with her other newphews but it just wasn't right for us. When she finally did babysit for the first time when he was about 3 months old, she almost bit my hand off in gratitude! They mean well, and if you just explain how you feel I'm sure she'll understand.

AgentZigzag · 16/01/2011 21:30

Thing is OP, you know how much you're in love with your DD2 (sorry, said DS before) so you can totally understand when other people want to spend their time with her, cue puppy dog eyes Smile

I miss my DD2 (1 YO) after 'Not Long', but my dad looked after her for a couple of hours on friday, and did she miss me? Did she fuck Grin

narkypuffin · 16/01/2011 21:31

10 days old!!!!!

You aren't happy with it, and if you let her walk over your feelings now it'll only get worse. Just tell her she is not leaving the house without you. Get your DP to go and tell her if she comes and preesures you again she's not allowed to come round anymore.

If she actually wanted to help she'd be offering to take your older DC/s out to give them some extra attention and you some peace.
I think Mamatomany has it spot on.

MadAboutQuavers · 16/01/2011 21:31

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You haven't even bonded with your baby properly yet - and she is YOUR baby. You need to be pretty much with her permanently over the next few weeks at least.

Your MIL is playing mummy. YOU are the mummy here, no-one else. You'll either have to learn to be firmer, or rope your dp into explaining how much this is pressuring you and that she is being insensitive - despite any protestations to the contrary that she may come out with.

Congratulations on your lovely new baby, by the way Smile

fedupofnamechanging · 16/01/2011 21:31

I can't understand why anyone would think that this would be okay with a new mum. If this was my MIL (or mum) this would seriously piss me off and and I would have said very clearly that I do not want to be separated from my baby and could she please stop asking.

Get your DH to tell her that this is upsetting you and to stop it. This is your baby and you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. I think your MIL is being insensitive at best.

jewelsforxmasplease · 16/01/2011 21:33

I agree that she is far too young to be taken anywhere by mil.

I personally would not want anyone but myself or dh give ebm to baby, I know mil can hold a bottle but it's about bonding and providing nourishment, in the early weeks I would not let anyone else offer it. That's probably just me tho!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 16/01/2011 21:34

narkypuffin is spot on - she should be making a fuss of your other DC so that they don't feel excluded.

narkypuffin · 16/01/2011 21:34

The closer family - ILs or not - live, the clearer the boundaries need to be. With her next door and you feeling like this you must be frightened to draw back the curtains in the morning.

charliesmommy · 16/01/2011 21:34

I would suggest if she wants to be a nice helpful granny, she takes your eldest child out for a treat..

Original poster
mumatron · 16/01/2011 21:35

thanks all.

i didn't think i was being unreasonable but i had to check!

i will have a word with her when she calls in for her visit.

i have spoken to dp about telling again her aswell, if she doesn't listen to me.

I can't have a shot of dutch courage while bf can i? Grin

OP posts:
Madinitials · 16/01/2011 21:36

I was wondering about that too narkypuffin, why isn';t she offering to take/help out with your older DC instead of your brand new baby?

aviatrix · 16/01/2011 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Woodlands · 16/01/2011 21:38

Someone described it to me once that there is an invisible umbilical cord that is there until the baby is about three months old, and it twangs if you're separated from your baby. I remember being with all my family when DS was 6 weeks old and not being able to let my dad take DS for a walk, whereas the next time we were all together at Christmas DS was 5 months and I was more than happy for anyone to take him off my hands for a bit!

Original poster
mumatron · 16/01/2011 21:39

i should point out that this is my 3rd dc but her first dgc, she is fab with my older 2 and treats them as if they were her own gc.

as someone said i need to nip this in the bud as it is spoiling a normally very good relationship.

OP posts:
MooMooFarm · 16/01/2011 21:40

It's perfectly natural not to want to let your 10 day old baby out of your sight, so don't feel bad. I would say letting someone else have baby for the whole day is months away if you're BFing!

Why not get her to do a bit of housework for you if she's so desperate to help! Grin

HermyaLovesLysander · 16/01/2011 21:42

Oh my word no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no YASSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOONBU!!!

Your LO is 10 days old and bf, you're building up your supply and your baby needs to be with you.

Get your DP to be firm with you. If she's so keen to help, why isn't she coming around and helping you out or taking your other DC off of your hands for a bit?

MarineIguana · 16/01/2011 21:42

YANBU! Tell her you're just not ready, as others have said. If she wants to help maybe she could cuddle DD while you have a shower, or something?

It is so hard to say no and stand up for yourself so soon after the birth - or at least I found that. So it is a good idea to get DP to talk to her as well.

Guitargirl · 16/01/2011 21:45

What on earth does she think she is going to do with a breastfed 10-day old baby for a whole day! She must be barking. Or taken over by the hormones that I have witnessed in grandmothers after a baby's birth.

And to take a healthy 10-day old to hospital is not particularly sensible either. Ask her to take your older children out for a treat.

Madinitials · 16/01/2011 21:46

I agree Iguana, I was a complete wuss and unassertive after DD was born and look where that got me - 16 months of hell.

MadamDeathstare · 16/01/2011 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.