Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let mil take baby out?...

198 replies

mumatron · 16/01/2011 21:13

i had dd2 10 days ago. spent a night in hospital, but every day since mil has called in and asked to take the baby out somewhere.

she lives next door to us and i expected her to call in alot (not a prob, i have always got on very well with her) but why does she feel the need to take her out?

i did let her take her to the shops one day last week but i cried when she went . she has also asked to take her out for the day, to visit family. i have offered to go with her but she seems to want to take her on her own. she wanted to take her into her work place (a hospital) and to the pub for dinner.

dp knows how i feel and he agrees that dd is too little to be out and about without me. she is bf but i do express alot so that dp and others can feed aswell.

now she doesn't ask him, she comes straight to me as she knows i hate saying no.

i find myself making excuses, like i'm expecting mw or my family to call.

it's making me dread her calling, and when she is in i just want to take dd and hide upstairs. everything she does with the baby (holding/talking to) is irritating me and i hate feeling like this.

so, aibu? should i just relax and let her take her out more?

OP posts:
ledkr · 16/01/2011 21:49

was she like this with your other dcs?
I am happy to see the support on this thread cos in 11 days i will be having my dd and pil will be here the following weekend,mil has already said she will be taking her out for walks and i thought gosh im not sure i like that idea [shock}but wondered if iwbu.Its my 5th but dh first so mil first gc.
I have a cunning plan tho.I will be having a cs so wont be going out for a bit,the pram can remain in the shop untill they have visited.Id like to be the first to take her for a walk with dh and dd1.
I bhow hard it is to speak up trust me,but can you say pram in for repairs?or hv told you she mustn't be away from you due to milk supply,anything really.
i wonder if when they had their babaies they were happy to be separated from them in the early weeks?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 16/01/2011 21:52

OP - yes you can have a shot of dutch courage! Well a glass or two of wine anyway Grin

Madinitials · 16/01/2011 21:58

Ledkr I always wonder if MILs/mums forget what it was like when their own children were newborns. Have their memories been completely erased?

Original poster
mumatron · 16/01/2011 21:59

i'll let you know how she takes it tomorrow, or would ibu to text her instead? Grin

only joking, i'm sure she will be fine. and i'll offer again to take us all to visit family this week.

thanks all.

OP posts:
mamatomany · 16/01/2011 22:04

Why does she want to show off a 10 day old to her work colleagues anyway? Newborns are boring.

Not to people who've not held one for a few years they aren't, we are a bit blaze about them because they are 10 a penny on mumsnet and in our lives no doubt.

ledkr · 16/01/2011 22:08

text write phone whatever,its YOUR baby not hers i am quite assertive and can recommend practicing what you want to say and also tell yourself once its said its said.
madwe have spoken about this before havent we?
My theory is,women having babies later thus mils more likely to be retired with more time on hands,also we tend to come home really quickly after birth now(i have been told 24-48 hrs with my cs)whereas when our dhs were born Mums were in hospital longer so didnt face these isues as much.
Good luck op.

Madinitials · 16/01/2011 22:12

We have indeed Ledkr!! My DC2 is due just after yours, when you get a chance make sure you do an update on how things are going with PIL.

porcamiseria · 16/01/2011 22:15

mumatron, trust me in a few weeks/months you will really, really REALLY want a break!!!! so why not say that right now she is too young, but you promise her that when she is older, and has had her immunisations she is welcome to her

then you can have sleep/bath/whatever!

so dont burn bridges, but she is a bit tiny now to be awat from you I agree

mumeeee · 16/01/2011 22:16

YANBU. Your DD2 is only 10 days old and needs to be with you.

bessie26 · 16/01/2011 22:16

You could tell her the HV recommended the baby has minimal contact with people for the first few weeks (months!) to avoid it picking up too many germs (esp with all the flu that's going around atm) - it's only a little bit of a fib, it's what the dr's in the hospital told me when I brought home my prem baby!

Do be kind to her, if she's anything like my MIL then she's just very excited about having such a cute baby GC!

Perhaps ask her about when she had her DC - my MIL had a CS & so spent ages in hospital (as you did in the olden days Wink) but the nurses would only allow her to pick up her baby every 4hours to feed it Sad - no wonder she wanted to cuddle my little DD the whole time!

LionsAreScary · 16/01/2011 22:17

YANBU. You need to learn to be assertive asap and set some boundaries now or it will only get worse.

Knowing YANBU will hopefully give you some confidence to say no. You don't ever have to let her take LO on her own if you don't feel right about it (hopefully in time you will feel right about it!).
good luck

hairyclaireyfairy · 16/01/2011 22:19

Congratulations Mumatron :)
I should nip onto the testing thread sometime, it's been a while.
Really am delighted she is here with you safe and well.
Your mil is being a complete loon btw

charliesmommy · 16/01/2011 22:20

Can I say (from a grandparents point of view).. please let her do something that will make her feel wanted.. rather than just say no to taking the baby out. (It is too soon, and she is pushing her luck, but is probably just very proud that her son is a daddy)

Ask her to help with your other two, or ask her to babysit at home just for an hour while you take your other two to the park to give them a bit of time alone with you, as they probably feel a bit pushed away at the moment with a brand new baby in the house too.

moajab · 16/01/2011 22:22

Definitly YANBU! I think the problem may be that when our mums and MILS were having babies they stayed in hospital for longer and the baby was in the nursery, particularly at night, and may have only been brought to them at feeding time. Certainly my Aunt told me that for the first few days her DS1 was only brought to her for feeds and even then she didn't do the feeding - the nurse did (formula as it was thought that until the milk came in there was no point to breastfeeding!) So the ideas of newborn being with Mum 24/7 seems a bit strange to them.

Of course times have now changed and definitly for the better in my opinion! Someone, preferably you DH, needs to explain to your MIL how important these days are for you and particularly how breastfeeding on demand works! But perhaps give her ideas of other ways she can help, for example with your other DCs or to hold the baby while you spend time with your other DCs! But off to the pub? No way!

SkyBluePearl · 16/01/2011 22:23

My mother tried to take over with my new born and it got in the way with bonding. Also your baby is BF and so really should be near you. Get your DH to have a firm word with her and tell her not to ask as you dislike being cornered about it and are very unhappy to let babe just go off at such a young age. Shes not a toy to show off! It's very normal to want to be with your new baby all the time. If she wants to help she can clean or cook.

MissMarjoribanks · 16/01/2011 22:29

YANBU. I wanted to grab my DS back off anyone who held him for the first couple of months. I really didn't cope well with it at all - MIL commented to my DH that I seemed really anxious about it. These feelings gradually decreased and quite frankly, now, anyone can have a go. so i can get some peace Grin

mamatomany · 16/01/2011 22:30

Just a thought, has the HV been yet ? Maybe arrange so that your MIL is here when she pops around, fore warn the HV what the MIL wants to do so a stranger can say oh no thats a terrible idea etc

slinkypinky · 16/01/2011 22:32

YANBU. Pretend that the breastfeeding is a bit tricky and that you have been advised to have skin to skin every hour to promote your supply.
That is also a good excuse to grab your baby back and snuggle up regularly!
Congratulations!

manicbmc · 16/01/2011 22:33

You have my sympathy. I lived with my mil. She was an interferring old hag until I made my escape 15 years later.

Liv77 · 16/01/2011 22:37

YANBU

How old is DD1, perhaps she would love a special day out being spoilt by Nanny Wink

Flisspaps · 16/01/2011 22:57

Good luck tomorrow, you know YANBU! DD is 10mo and I still don't feel ready to let GPs (any of them) take her off anywhere!

Stac2011 · 16/01/2011 23:03

definately not, my dd is 6 months and i hate leaving her, my ds is 11 and is rarely away from me. She ibu even asking. Think you have to be firm and just tell her how you feel or get dp to do it. She has to see it from your point of view

megapixels · 16/01/2011 23:19

YANBU. Nobody should take your baby away from you if you don't want them to. Your baby is tiny, it is quite normal that you'd want her with you at all times now. Leave politeness aside for the time being and just tell your MIL firmly that you want your baby with you. No need for reasons or explanations. Supportive grandparents are a great blessings, but your MIL doesn't sound like she knows how to support a new mum.

ThisFeelsWeird · 16/01/2011 23:26

Nobody took my baby out - including me - for 10 days! He is coming up for a year old and still only his grandparents have ever taken him out without me and then only for a short walk. And I am anxious the whole time they are gone! He was never out of my sight in the first couple of months though. YANBU.

Just say "I'm not ready to be apart from her yet". If anyone has a problem with that, stuff them.

MsKLo · 16/01/2011 23:36

Of course you not being unreasonable! What in earth is it with all these bloody rude and selfish mil's?! Just say no and keep saying no! She is being so demanding and needs to give you a break from her cloying behaviour!