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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let mil take baby out?...

198 replies

mumatron · 16/01/2011 21:13

i had dd2 10 days ago. spent a night in hospital, but every day since mil has called in and asked to take the baby out somewhere.

she lives next door to us and i expected her to call in alot (not a prob, i have always got on very well with her) but why does she feel the need to take her out?

i did let her take her to the shops one day last week but i cried when she went . she has also asked to take her out for the day, to visit family. i have offered to go with her but she seems to want to take her on her own. she wanted to take her into her work place (a hospital) and to the pub for dinner.

dp knows how i feel and he agrees that dd is too little to be out and about without me. she is bf but i do express alot so that dp and others can feed aswell.

now she doesn't ask him, she comes straight to me as she knows i hate saying no.

i find myself making excuses, like i'm expecting mw or my family to call.

it's making me dread her calling, and when she is in i just want to take dd and hide upstairs. everything she does with the baby (holding/talking to) is irritating me and i hate feeling like this.

so, aibu? should i just relax and let her take her out more?

OP posts:
MsKLo · 18/01/2011 21:01

Pomme

You are a saint!

Nanny - if more mil's were like you we would all be happier ;)

NanaNina · 18/01/2011 22:49

Thank you MsKlo but maybe you wouldn't feel the same if I was your mil. I think sometimes the relationship between these 2 women can always be a bit difficult for a variety of reasons. As I said before, I learned how not to be an annoying mil and g/mother by my own mil. I made that vow there and then and have stuck to it, though that doesn't mean I sometimes have to bite my tongue.

POmme - I did wonder if you were over compliant and had been brought up to be well mannered no matter what the cost. This is obviously working against you. Maybe try speaking out, without being rude or confrontational, just enough to give your mil the idea that there are matters about which you need to compromise.

MsKLo · 18/01/2011 22:56

I agree that pomme needs to stick up for herself and how she wants thing to be done

Nana - I have no prob with a mil being a part of their grandkids lives - I just hate hate it when they think they have a divine right and a right to relive being a mummy and impose - they are sins no mil should commit!

Original poster
mumatron · 19/01/2011 11:10

sorry i haven't been back, evryone in this house is ill accept me and dd2. we spent all day yest in bed, was heaven!

spoke to mil again yesterday, she seems to think taking the baby to the shops is completely different to 'taking her out' iyswim.

i don't think she will stop asking but i'm feeling much less fragile so will just keep on saying no.

well, as i typed that she has just called in again. we had made arrangements to take the baby to visit other family today, she's just said 'oh you are just dropping us and the baby off aren't you?'

i calmly told her i was not ready to leave her yet and she jsut laughed! apparently all me and dp have done since she was born is 'moan'. All because neither of us want her to go out for the day.

mil has just phoned in tears saying she can't belive dp would speak to her like that etc etc. i have tried my best to smooth it over but tbh i don't see why i should.

she seems to have had a complete personality transplant since dd2 was born. such a shame Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
mumatron · 19/01/2011 11:12
  • should say dp kicked off and told her to stop interfering, and that if she didn't back off he would stop her visiting so much.
OP posts:
MickeyMixer · 19/01/2011 11:17

Stick to your guns or you'll be giving in for twenty years!!! You are THE BOSS!! Your DP should sort her out - firmly!

Flisspaps · 19/01/2011 11:22

Good for DP. You've tried to gently tell her more than once that you are not ready yet to let DD out, and she has just not listened, and she's laughed at you.

It's not your job to smooth it over. It's hers. She needs to listen and realise that she is now creating the issue here, not you.

belleofbelfastcity · 19/01/2011 12:22

Good work - if there are tears then maybe there is the realisation that she won't be getting her way on this matter. Great that your DP has been on the phone as well - fingers crossed that the message is getting through.

jellybeans · 19/01/2011 13:05

YANBU My MIL cried as I hadn't let my 2 week old out with her yet. She also cried when we said she couldn't take her abroad alone. DD was over 12 months before we left her alone with her.

fedupofnamechanging · 19/01/2011 14:53

mumatron, she lives next door to you, so if you don't stay firm now, she will be walking all over you and undermining you with your DC. She only seems sensitive to her own feelings.
Hate to say it, but is there any chance you could move house?

Failing that, I think your DH should visit her, and tell her that you would both like it if she phoned before coming round. I think that living so close, you need some 'rules' to stop you killing her. Tell him to make it clear that you are not happy about her taking the baby out without you and that no matter how much she keeps on, you will not do what you don't feel comfortable with. Glad he is being supportive of you, just make sure you don't give in because she's started with the waterworks.

Emo76 · 19/01/2011 15:06

YANBU

This is YOUR baby. YOU call the shots. She probably means well but suggesting she takes your baby away from you for a whole day to visit people is completely out of order and would set the alarm bells ringing for me.

ShirtyGerty · 19/01/2011 15:51

I really sympathise.

I'm 36 weeks preg and since we first told her my MIL has been asking to have the baby for the day, every two weeks, by herself.

Its not happening and I intend to be firm. I've tried to get DH to manage her expectations but I know that a confrontation is in the offing when DS arrives.

diddl · 19/01/2011 16:08

It´s great that she´s so excited & proud.

But you know how we soon realise that not everyone is as interested in our babies as we are-perhaps we need to remeber that for when we become grandparents!

TBH, I can´t believe that she wouldn´t rather just be sitting & cuddling-or a quick half hour walk with DIL.

MIL never took mine out without me.

pommedeterre · 19/01/2011 16:25

How was she with dd1 mumatron?

pommedeterre · 19/01/2011 16:29

I am, btw, planning how to be assertive not rude the weekend after next!

monkeyflippers · 19/01/2011 16:32

So you were all going to see family but she didn't actually want you to go just your baby? She sounds like she is quite posessive of the baby!

Be strong and put your foot down.

Al1son · 19/01/2011 16:39

Just to create a little balance here I had similar problems with my own mother.

She would take over conversations about DD1 if we bumped into people when we were out and talk about me as if I was still a child too!

When we took her to meet our family up north she whipped her out of my arms as I was getting her out of the car and stormed into the house instructing me to follow with the suitcases.

She used to expect me to comply with her wishes about what I ate when bfing, what time she slept and where, what she wore,..... She basically expected to have complete control over her DGD's life because I was incapable of parenting well enough.

DD1 was a terrible sleeper and really clingy so a couple of times I asked my parents (who came round every day) to watch her while I had a bath and I was then lectured regularly about how I should do things for myself when she was sleeping and should not take advantage of them when they visited.

Things went from bad to worse because she is the type of person who takes great offence if you ever attempt to ask her to change her behaviour and you get weeks of sulks and tantrums.

Our solution was to move house out of the city where we lived. Moving was the right thing for us to do anyway but the coincidental benefit of my DM not taking over every aspect of our lives was such a relief. I took control from that point and reduced contact to a more normal twice a week.

Looking back now I realise that my mother's interference and constant criticism contributed to the severity of my post-natal depression. When DD2 came along I managed things much more firmly and my DM has learned that tears and tantrums just mean that my children and I keep our distance for a little while.

I know that sounds like I'm talking about a toddler but it worked. She still lectures me about how I parent my children most days but I can handle that and just change the subject.

coatgate · 19/01/2011 16:49

Wasn't there a thread a few days ago from someone whose mother insisted on calling herself and the GF the mummy and daddy, and the real mum and dad the granny and grandad?

Nip this in the bud now OP Grin

Seriously though, hope you get it sorted without too much fallout.

Al1son · 19/01/2011 16:56

Sorry, meant to add (but DD2 kicked off) OP do take control now and let her know where she stands. The longer you are nice and gentle the worse it could be in the long run. Start as you mean to go on.

DuelingFanjo · 19/01/2011 20:40

Good for you and DP. what is it with the crying? Grown women who have no automatic right to time alone with a newborn crying because they can't get their own way FFS!

Madinitials · 19/01/2011 21:49

I really don't get this crying thing either Duelling. My mil has taken to doing it and at first I felt bad but now I just feel it's another method of manipulation since she knows it works with FIL and DH. No longer washes with me.

OP stick to you guns.

hairfullofsnakes · 19/01/2011 22:21

Goodness! Am new to this all and am shocked how many interfering mil's are out there! Keep standing your ground I say!

New to MN I mean! Hello!

Pixieonthemoor · 19/01/2011 22:26

OMG!! 10 months I can understand but 10 DAYS????!!!! Get your husband to tell her that she is being unreasonable and if she wants to play mummies to go and buy a doll. I know she is probably desperately thrilled to have another grandchild and wants to show her off but she needs to be made aware that it is WAY to early.

hairfullofsnakes · 19/01/2011 22:32

She can buy one of those real life looking baby dolls?! They have had their mum time they need to stand back!

NanaNina · 19/01/2011 22:35

OH gawd - sorry OP and all you dils but I can understand why this woman was upset at her son "kicking off" and telling her to back off or he would stop visiting her so much (sounds like blackmail in a way)- I have had arguments with my sons infrequently over the years, but if one of them had ever said anything like that to me I would be utterly devastated...............and furthermore I can tell you that when your sons are grown up,, you too will be devastated if they spoke to you like that.

Some of you "don't get it" about these mils crying - do you never cry when you are upset?
I