to not let mil take baby out?...

[mumatron]

i had dd2 10 days ago. spent a night in hospital, but every day since mil has called in and asked to take the baby out somewhere.

she lives next door to us and i expected her to call in alot (not a prob, i have always got on very well with her) but why does she feel the need to take her out?

i did let her take her to the shops one day last week but i cried when she went . she has also asked to take her out for the day, to visit family. i have offered to go with her but she seems to want to take her on her own. she wanted to take her into her work place (a hospital) and to the pub for dinner.

dp knows how i feel and he agrees that dd is too little to be out and about without me. she is bf but i do express alot so that dp and others can feed aswell.

now she doesn't ask him, she comes straight to me as she knows i hate saying no.

i find myself making excuses, like i'm expecting mw or my family to call.

it's making me dread her calling, and when she is in i just want to take dd and hide upstairs. everything she does with the baby (holding/talking to) is irritating me and i hate feeling like this.

so, aibu? should i just relax and let her take her out more?

Mumatron - DP's trun now I agree with Alibaba. You've tried talking rationally and she's been bonkers. DP's turn now to talk sternly to her. She needs stern talking it would seem to understand and family relationships will be much better if he does this rather than you.
Ms Klo - 10 months. The whole 'my baby' thing has abated somewhat post MIL's top notch new mother destroying routine at 3 days (!) and 10 weeks but as that's got easier the house thing has got harder. Think DP finally understands now as I explained it to him using examples such as 'If when we visit them I bought loads of food with me and went in their wardrobe what would you think?' etc etc.

"now she doesn't ask him, she comes straight to me as she knows i hate saying no."

this sounds awfully manipulative to me. Sounds like she knows that you aren't keen but is still prepared to ask you just because she knows she is going to get her way.

You need to just say 'I'm not happy with her going out with anyone unless I am there for a while yet so have decided not to let anyone take her out again for a while. I'll let you know when I think it's ok for her to start going out with other people.'

be firm.

soory - I see the thread has moved on and also realised that it's you mumatron

I hope you get it sorted. As you know, I need to grow a pair too ;)

Hope your DH manages to get her to see sense. You have my sympathy. I don't understand why Mums and MILs have this obsession with taking out small babies.

You are absolutely right, Alibabaandthe40nappies . Not all MILs are the same. I am just reflecting on my own experience where my MIL practically moved in 5 days after I had given birth and stayed for weeks. I had no quality time at all alone with my baby, and I went back to work when he was 3 weeks old. I was working full-time and getting up 5 times a night to breastfeed.

I wish I had been able to say "no" a bit firmer, and I wish my DH would have supported me.

Sorry for the hijack.

Gods no. She is still enmeshed (doesn't know where she ends and you start) I heard it described as a 4th trimester, that first 12 weeks where they still need you constantly, even though they aren't in your belly anymore, I like to think of it as being like a kangaroo.

I remember when DS was 4 weeks old I went to visit my parents, and my mother popped out the back door with him to show him to the neighbour over the fence, I started to feel twitchy and anxious then. I also didn't like anyone else pushing the pushchair, even DH, a sling solved this

Suggestions she could help with when you are ready:
Looking after her while you have a bath, or cook dinner.
In a couple of weeks coming into town with you and taking her to a cafe or around the shops while you get your hair done.
"Borrowing her for half an hour over at her house while she has some friends over for tea - that way she can show her off, but you know she is just next door and can pop over and take her back when you want to, you can take a bath or get other stuff done in the time.

She needs to be more considerate of your need to be with each other, but she's not going to if you keep telling her it's ok or making excuses.

At 10 days old how on earth do you know when the baby is next going to need a feed? And she can't feed her!

Did she really want to take a brand new baby to sit in a surgery waiting room? Full of germs, away from her only source of food & comfort?

I think you need to start saying things like "did you really mean to say X" and "i'm surprised you said x when you know I've said y"

And don't budge until she gets it.

duelling what happened with you scenario in the end,i remember being on a thread with you before,mine is being born in 11 days and my prob has been solved by swine flu meaning a ban on visitors apart from dps and dcs hence no need to visit till the next weekend.
sorry for hijack too op.

Hi Ledkr. :)

My baby was 11 days late and then spent over a week in the neo natal unit which meant no one was able to see him for ages. Not an ideal thing to happen but it meant all my anxiety over what might happen with MIL went out of the window!

We did manage to make it to my mum's and my mil's on Christmas day but for Christmas dinner a lovely friend of DH's came to our house and cooked for us.

MIL and FIL finally got to see him the day before she flew home so we had an intense 5 hour visit which was fine. :)

oh and Ledkr, good luck with the birth :)

I don't think you should make excuses. Just be straight and say 'no sorry, she's too young. We'll talk about it in x months'. I have only skimmed so you might have already tried that, it does sound like banging your head against a wall but I would just shut down discussion on it if possible. She must be insane to think you'd let her trot off with your newborn for as long as she wants to.

My MIL came round with a friend when DS was about 4 weeks old. (I had to pretend I wanted to get some housework done, as I was feeling a lot of pressure to let MIL look after DS alone, but she has physical difficulty in picking him up, so I also suggested the friend be present as back up). I had expressed a bottle so they could sit in the front room and feed him, then when he was ready for his nap, suggested they take him for a walk to the park to get him off to sleep.

They returned 45 minutes later with a screaming DS, saying "Well he wasn't asleep by the time we got to Margaret's, and she was having a coffee morning with some of our other friends, so we thought we would pop in and let everyone have a cuddle. He's been like this the whole time, he doesn't want to go to sleep."

I was so stunned I just thanked them and said goodbye, then immediately called DP. He read her the riot act for being so selfish and treating DS like a toy. She constantly puts her desires and convenience ahead of what is best for DS (now 6 months) and as a result, she and FIL now only see DS when DP and/or I are present.

So I think it's best to get things sorted out - in my case it took DP's yelling and several further strongly worded conversations. Now I am back in control of what happens to my DS, PIL see him at the weekends when it's convenient for us and not just at random times when they have nothing else on.

thanks duelling isnt it annoying that all that worry was for nothing,i will be home on the sat 29th so they could still fit in a visit but i wanted to come home to a calm quiet house tbh so dh said we will just say im in till sunday-bliss im so relieved,ill worry about "we will be down every weekend"afterwards
Hope you baby is doing well now and congrats to you all,im sure we will meet on these threads in the yrs to come

I don't see any need to make excuses or fall out or get unpleasant. Just say 'no' politely and change the subject, there is no need to get drawn into explanations or reasons.

Did you see 'The little house' on ITV a while back? Reminds me of that MIL. Definitely be firm or you could end up like that!!

I think you have to be more firm! you should not have to be but the woman sounds impossible and so thoughtless to what the baby might catch too!

let your dh speak to her and let him be stern with her, she is so disrespectful to you and not listening and trying to manipualate you - put a stop to this or you will end up hating her

how is the bf going? she is, like someone else said, interfering with that a lot too! don't let her take baby anywhere, she can visit and see baby when she is at yours that's it

be firm and show her who is boss! you, not her!

poor you having to deal with this shit!

I think seeing as you have tried to explain it to her 'nicely' and she has not listened at all, you need to let DH speak to her.

If he ends up upsetting her, so be it - you've tried to explain in a gentle manner and she is NOT listening. I'm sure he'd rather she was a bit put out than you.

She has years to take DD out visiting everyone - but not right now. If you get stressed over this, then the baby will pick up on it. It's very true that yes, she probably is very excited about having a new baby around and yes, she loves the baby too -but that does not give her carte blanche to blatantly ignore your wishes, especially when you've tried so hard to be considerate of her feelings. Let DH speak to her, because I think you'll be wasting your breath trying to explain it again yourself.

Pommedeterre - sorry but I can't see what is wrong with your MIL bringing food and food to cook for supper - in fact I think it's very thoughtful of her. I take food when I visit my sons and dils and quite often something for that night (though not in a coolbox)

Don't think she should be moving your stuff around but she probably thinks she's beinghelpful putting the washing away. One of my dils always hangs things before ironing as she thinks the creases come out and make them easier to iron.

What exactly does she do with the baby that you don't like.

OP - can't quite believe your MIL accepting what you were saying so well, and then asking if she could take the baby shopping ..............leaves me a bit speechless to be honest. Hope you can get things sorted out so that she understands where you are coming from. It would be very difficult for any rift as she lives next door to you. Shame you had to make an excuse, maybe that was your time to say something like ......"sorry I thought we had just agreed that she's too young to be out and about without me, and i thought you understood and accepted, which made me relieved cus I don't want to hurt your feelings"

Hope you can resolve this sticky problem amicably.

nana i thought that about pommes post,i wish mil would bring food tbh,one of the issues for me is they never even bring milk to stay for 3-4 nights,im now on mat leave which will soon start to go down and i simply cannot afford to feed to extra adults every few weeks for days(fil is tres greedy too)
they used to buy a take away or a meal but no more,we are always hungry when go there too and they never buy anything for dd like kiddy food/cereal.I have had fun when pg cos ive gone on strike dont cook when they come and dh isnt that good,they had pizza and chips last time and looked most disappointed

I understand Pommedeterre's feelings about MIL putting washing away. I can't bear anyone touching my laundry, clean or not. In fact, I get twitchy at the thought of my MIL or DM doing any of my housework. I'm very territorial - this is MY house and I will sort it out.

I think the food thing would make me feel as though they thought we couldn't provide enough food for our family, even though I know they'd see it as a kind thing to do.

Let us know how you/DH get on with her won't you, OP?

haha fisspaps living proof that dils cant be pleased we are haha.

There should be a tear-off piece on a marriage certificate for a DIL to hand over to MIL

Dear MIL

You can now never do right for doing wrong. Them's the rules.

DIL x

The point surely is that MILs should be asking before they bring food/start doing housework/laundry etc etc? And Mums too!

The conversation should be thus

MIL/Mum 'would it be helpful if I brought dinner for the day we arrive?'

DIL/Daughter 'yes please, that would be lovely' OR 'no thanks MIL/Mum I've already planned and shopped'.

Which then saves anyone getting upset.

She sounds like an effing pest, get her told... Mine was similar "oh ill have to take her down into town and show her off" - oh no you won't Mil dearest, soonest tell her, less visits, happy mummy, she's the grandparents not the parent, when will these effing parents in law grow up?!

pomme - is your mil coming to your house and looking after your baby for you? basically being a nanny for you? as thats what nanny's do too - they will do washing while baby naps and cook meals.
I expect she thinks she is being helpful!

I went to visit MIL last week as she has hurt her foot and I took a cool bag full of food and made lunch for us all. I thought it was something thoughtful to do that would help.

It would be different if she was looking after your baby in her own house as she'd have things to do while baby sleeps, but in your house she must be twiddling her thumbs and desperate to do something 'useful' to fill her time!

If you really hate her doing the washing/cooking then maybe think of a couple of jobs you DONT mind her doing and ask her nicely to help you out with those instead?