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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP to give money to his sister

273 replies

dertitude · 16/01/2011 11:03

DP regulary gives money to his sister, she isn't wealthy and she has a daughter of her own and is a single parent. I've known he's been doing this for a long time but we only started to living together 6 months ago and up until this I thought his money his choice. However in the last 3 months he's given her about £2500 and according to him this is because her boiler broke and needed repairing and to buy her laptop because she needs a computer and internet access as shes started to train to become a social worker.

Whenever I have tried to talk to him about it he becomes really defensive and sensationalist, saying things like what do you me to do sit here whilst my sister and niece shiver in their own home. Another thing is that his dad was abusive and his mother was an alcoholic and his sister who is older did look after him and he claims that if it wasn't for her he wouldn't have any money anyway and that she deserves some of it because she looked after him and made sure he went to and did well at school. We are thinking about TTC and so I think we should start saving, AIBU to want him to stop

OP posts:
Takeresponsibility · 16/01/2011 20:31
  1. She is partially responsible for causing the situation that DPs sister finds herself in (country gone to dogs, benefits and jobs being cut) through her tax fiddle avoidance and therefore it is extremely hypocritical of her to complain that her DP has to spend his own money to help his sister.
  1. She helps her brother financially in her own way, but objects to her DP helring his sister in his own way.
FakePlasticTrees · 16/01/2011 20:34

OP - has he asked you to marry him?

I'd be concerned that he views his money as separate to yours, you are living in a house he owns, but you are happy to get pregnant whilst only earning £18k (which isn't going to go far when childcare comes into play) and don't think you need to get the legal protection of a marriage.

However, that's a side issue - you aren't married, how he chooses to spend his money after the bills are paid is his choice. It's not 'family money', it's his. He has more disposable income than you, but then he earns a lot more than you. Perhaps look at that before trying to tell someone else how to spend their money.

Oh, but you don't pay to replace a boiler if you are in a rented property. of course, if she's bought her council property, that would a be a different matter.

Morloth · 16/01/2011 20:34

I think takesresponsibility has nailed it. These are two people with very different approaches to and thoughts about money.

OP, I think you need to seriously consider whether this is going to work out long term. IMO money issues can be very hard on relationships.

byrel · 16/01/2011 20:34

Why is she responsible for the DPs sisters siuation? Hmm

What she does with her brother is totally different to what her DP sounds to do with his sister. She uses her brother to increase her profits and so increase her income and to do this she has to give her brother 105 of this extra money. Her DP just gives his sister handouts and then tells her its to spend on things that she doesn't have to pay for.

iamamug · 16/01/2011 20:39

She has moved into HIS house -now objecting to him helping his sister?
Those of you worrying about the OP please spare a thought for her poor DP- let's hope he sees the light before she traps him with a child and freeloads off him for the rest of her natural.
Sadly as a family we couldn't open my DB's eyes to the scheming gold digger he had a child with. It has nearly broken him financially although at least he now has a lovely wife.

iamamug · 16/01/2011 20:40

She has moved into HIS house -now objecting to him helping his sister?
Those of you worrying about the OP please spare a thought for her poor DP- let's hope he sees the light before she traps him with a child and freeloads off him for the rest of her natural.
Sadly as a family we couldn't open my DB's eyes to the scheming gold digger he had a child with. It has nearly broken him financially although at least he now has a lovely wife.

Takeresponsibility · 16/01/2011 20:41

Byrel

Did you read this part "Figures produced by the Tax Justice Network show that £25 billion is lost annually in tax avoidance and a further £70 billion in tax evasion by large companies and wealthy individuals.

An additional £26 billion is going uncollected. Therefore the total annual tax gap stands at over £120 billion (more than three-quarters of the annual deficit!). It is not just us calculating this; leaked Treasury documents in 2006 estimated the tax gap at between £97 and £150 billion"

£25 billion is lost each year by people doing what OP is doing with her tax. If you look further down you will see that if the country closed all the loopholes and illegal tax practices etc then this would reduce the annual defict to a quarter of what it is now. Think of the difference this would make to people like OPs DPs sister who is on benefits, to anyone who is about to have their benefits/tax credits/child benefit/ jobs cut or taken away.

That is why she is contributing to the situation.

FakePlasticTrees · 16/01/2011 20:42

oh and when I first moved in with the now DH, he was earning £80k, I was earning £18k. We spilt the bills 50/50 except rent (as he needed an extra bedroom for an office pushing our rent up). While I know he saved a lot of money in that period, I didn't feel I had any right to complain when he spent £6k on a mountain bike.

As long as bills were being paid, until we were married I didn't see myself as having any right over his income. Even then, it's taken until we had DS to completely merge our finances. That is normal for most couples.

byrel · 16/01/2011 20:44

I appreciate that tax avoidance minimises the total amount of tax revenue the treasury although (legal and prudent) collects but what has that got to do with her DPs apparent deception about where this £2500 has gone and what has it been spent on because it hasn't been spent on a boiler

prettyfly1 · 16/01/2011 20:49

OP to be frank none of what you have said comes across well at all. His sister helped raised him and he is helping her in return. If my boys grow up to have such high moral integrity and a such a deep sense of familial loyalty I will be proud of the job I have done with them. If they then meet a woman who after six months thinks he should leave his sister and neice hang while he saves for a baby he doesnt have yet I will rapidly change my mind and disklike her intensly. Much like I do you on the basis of your attitude and posts, which are coming across as grasping, controlling and selfish.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 16/01/2011 20:57

The more you post the more sorry I feel for your dp. You are setting yourself up to get in between your dp and his sister, you will lose. Change your attitude and learn to accept that this is part of who he is and exactly what his sister means or leave now.

hatwoman · 16/01/2011 21:02

good post from cat - moving in together, ttc, op and partner are in transition - from being separate bods to being a team/partnership. and that requires discussion, communication, input from both sides

op - rather than trying to talk to him about this particular aspect of your soon-to-be-joint finances, try starting a conversation about the overall bigger picture: what's coming in and what's coming out; what's essential and how much freedom each of you have to spend on what you like. hopefully that will start a more balanced discussion.

having said all that I do think that what your dp is doing is admirable. and, presumably, his loyalty and integrity is part of what makes him a good dp. I wouldn't see this whole thing as an issue of priorities on which to challenge him. supporting his sister in this way and being a good dp aren't mutually exclusive

byrel · 16/01/2011 21:06

All these people who say what he is doing is admirable are ignoring the fact that you don't have to pay for a boiler in a council house therefore the OPs DP is lying to her

LadyBiscuit · 16/01/2011 21:09

Well maybe it's because he knew the OP was going to kick off if he told her it was for a car or a holiday or to pay off debts or something.

It's his money - if he wants to spend chunks of his income on his sister, on fancy cars or whatever is irrelevant. They've been living together for six months - if someone started telling me after six months how I should and shouldn't spend my money (provided I was adequately contributing to my share of household costs) I'd tell them to take a running jump.

byrel · 16/01/2011 21:11

If it was for a car or a holiday then he is lying and isn't that anabuse of trust by her DP?

Quattrocento · 16/01/2011 21:12

"GertieWooster- Yes I do use my brothers personal tax allowance for tax avoidance, he gifts me 90% of the money back (he keeps 10% for the use of his allowance), this has been approved by an accountant and is all above board. I do this to reduce my tax bill and increase my profits, this is not the same as what DP does in any way shape or form so I don't see how this makes me hypocritical."

Personal tax isn't my field (corporate tax is) but I do not believe this to be in any way legal.

And this talk about 'ammo'??? This is quite extraordinary. I don't believe anyone exists who operates like this.

I'm calling troll.

Adversecamber · 16/01/2011 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

medetre · 16/01/2011 21:20

Quattrocento- I don't think she is a troll, when I read her posts I hear the voice of someone I know (I wouldn't call her a friend) and talking about ammo is exactly what she would say. Whether this tax thing is legal or not I don't know but judging by the OPs posts I think she'd sell her own granny to get money.

charliesmommy · 16/01/2011 21:24

I dont think the tax inspectors would view it as legal either. It is tax avoidance.

While it may "appear" legal, it doesnt make it right. Why the fuck should you be able to say you are only earning 18k, when clearly you are earning a shed load more than that.

FudgeGirl · 16/01/2011 21:26

Can I define this in a different way?

OP sets up home with DP.

DP is spending £800 per month on a hobby or going out.

OP wants to know if this is going to continue going out of his bank account for the forseeable future, specifically because they are thinking about starting a family.

DP blows up and basically says he'll continue to spend this money and she's being unreasonable to ask him to stop spending this money.

This is taking out the issue of it being family, but I bet the answers on here would be a hell of a lot different if OP's DP was refusing to stop spending £800 a month on going out or a hobby.

nickschick · 16/01/2011 21:27

I think if you love this man enough to have a baby together - you need to embrace his sister (who must have done a great job) and help her help herself get back into the world.

Your Dp sounds like a keeper Smile and Im sure he will be a great Dad.

Dont make this into a choice thing,as time goes by her needs will lessen and you will be part of a strong solid family that helps each other.

LadyBiscuit · 16/01/2011 21:27

I guess so byrel. But then if she kicks off every time he gives money to his sister, he may have decided to do that to avoid an ear-bashing.

It's a weird reaction though don't you think? To find out it's a lie and to react with 'great, that gives me valuable ammo' rather than be upset (either with her boyfriend or for him, if he's been duped).

Quattrocento · 16/01/2011 21:30

It absolutely is not legal. She is overpaying (ie claiming a bigger deduction than she is entitled to) for services.

This is not legitimate tax planning. This is not legal.

I say nothing about the morality of this or her other actions - it's not for me to judge. But legal it isn't, and please let's not have any confusion about that.

byrel · 16/01/2011 21:32

I agree it was peculiar choice of phrase but I guess she means that she can use it when she next talks to him about the money he spends on his sister. I'm guessing this thread was preparation for next discussion about it

arentfanny · 16/01/2011 21:36

If it's not for a boiler then maybe he was worried about what the OP would say and lied, maybe he has the measure of her already.

They have a healthy joint income, a lot more than a lot of people who manage to raise children, I am sure that they cana fford to put some money buy and help out his sister.