to not want DP to give money to his sister

[dertitude]

DP regulary gives money to his sister, she isn't wealthy and she has a daughter of her own and is a single parent. I've known he's been doing this for a long time but we only started to living together 6 months ago and up until this I thought his money his choice. However in the last 3 months he's given her about £2500 and according to him this is because her boiler broke and needed repairing and to buy her laptop because she needs a computer and internet access as shes started to train to become a social worker.

Whenever I have tried to talk to him about it he becomes really defensive and sensationalist, saying things like what do you me to do sit here whilst my sister and niece shiver in their own home. Another thing is that his dad was abusive and his mother was an alcoholic and his sister who is older did look after him and he claims that if it wasn't for her he wouldn't have any money anyway and that she deserves some of it because she looked after him and made sure he went to and did well at school. We are thinking about TTC and so I think we should start saving, AIBU to want him to stop

Curry

He can aford what he is doing now, and if you look at my previous posts we agree taht what he is doing now is extremely laudable. My point was that the prior financial commitment to his sister and neice is the same as commitment to a divorced husband who has a prior financial commitment to children of his first marriage. These commitments come first before you enter into further financial commitments.

The OP suggests that this help to the sister should stop so they can start saving for their own child. I disagree if they can afford their own child as well as the previous commitments great, but OP thinks they can't and she she thinks he should prioritise an child they haven't even started to try to conceive before his prior commitments.

I agree he can do what he wants with his money Charliesmommy, but I think OP has a right to know if this will continue and will impact on their life together.

If she lives in a council house, the money didn't go on a boiler.

That would be enough for me to want to know what the hell was going on and if it was going to continue because it will impact on joint finances in the future.

Jeez you lot are a load of glass half empty folk aren't you?

She should be congratulating herself on having such a kind wonderful man and talk to him sensibly - without sounding like a jealous child - about their future together, financial or otherwise

The sister must live in her own house, if she lived in any rented accomodation the boiler would get fixed for free.

You can buy a decent top notch laptop for £500.00.

In the last 3 months we have had Christmas

I would asume that the laptop was a Chrismas present.. and no you cant buy a decent top notch laptop for £500 you can buy a laptop for 500 depending on what his sister needs to do it may well have been she needed one with more memory etc that was capable of doing other things.

a Boiler is a one off thing..

OP if this was a regular occurance and he regularly spend that amount of money then I think you had a case but it has been christmas and she had an emergency. by her living in a council house I am assuming she has bought it out and is trying to do her best by her dd? if it was a regular thing I think you had an argument but this sounds like 2 isolated cases and one around Christmas.

Your boyfriend sounds like a loving man whom I bet will make a wonderful father and partner. Right now you do sound a little like you are overreacting but I will asume if He is with you then you will be a lovely person too. Support him in supporting his sister and he will in return support you in supporting the people that you love..

if this was a thing that happned all the time he was giving large gifts to her then yes you should be cocnerned but frankly he sounds like he supported her sister in a moment where she needed his support and you should have supported him in that. so yes YABU and I would appologise to him for questioning him on what he did.

If it were his mother would you view any of this differently ( money, interview etc) I don't think you feel as strongly, but that iscthe role she has taken for him.

you and your kids are living in his house,he earns over double the amount you do as long as the bills are paid and you still have savings.

i dont see what your problem is,honestly you have found yourself a very nice decent caring man if you choose to go down the route of complaining about him helping his sister out after she has done so much for him you will and deserve to lose him.

you and your kids are living in his house,he earns over double the amount you do as long as the bills are paid and you still have savings.

i dont see what your problem is,honestly you have found yourself a very nice decent caring man if you choose to go down the route of complaining about him helping his sister out after she has done so much for him you will and deserve to lose him.

Spikeycow there has been no talk of the sister emotionally blackmailing her brother, the OPs dp feels a need to help his sister out he is helping her to become a social worker so she can have a career be financially independant, it sounds like he has chosen to do that because he believes you look out for your family.

I don't get why people go into a relationship pretending not to have much of a problem with something their partners do then the minute they feel they are secure enough in the relationship they then try to change the person they are with.

If the OP can't accept that her partner is always going to look out for his sister then it's time she leaves and find someone who will only give her his attention.

Yes, much better to be having a baby with a selfish git who is happy to drop important relationship with loved ones because they are inconvenient. Sounds like you have yourself a decent man there OP, don't knock it.

Some people are barmy.

If my man had a sister who needed help and he could give it, I'd be horrified if he didn't help her!

You know, even if it does mean no private school for his future child, that child will grow up knowing what loyalty and family mean. I'm broke but have wonderful family.

I, too, wonder what a council house tenant (let alone her brother) was doing paying to repair their boiler.

I don't know the council will try to get out of paying for as much as they can, my brother's bathroom was flooded with dirty poo water from the neighbours above whose toilet had broken, the council refused to remove the mould whgich had ended up covering half of the bathroom.

And another was my SILs grandmother whose pipes had frozen couldn't get no water she is also the main carer for 2 of her grandchildren one is disabled so she phoned the council and they told her to use an hairdryer, the pipe ended up bursting because of the hairdryer she asked them if they could fix it and they refused so my brother went round and fixed it. They also won't fix windows or doors if you've had your house broken into or someone thinks it's funny to brick your house.

This is not my experience of councils. Of course, my experience is not comprehensive (neither is anyone else's) but I'd be interested to hear if there is an explanation like this behind the OP's story.

The Council (and other landlords) are legally obliged to maintain the boiler. There is no way the Council would let someone replace their boiler.

I do actually like the whole family community thing but there are men who act one way towards family and treat their partner like shit. IMO a man that idolises another woman may not be a loyal partner, and once you have a mans child you have the right to loyalty. The OP needs to know whether his loyalties are going to lie with her and her child, or elsewhere. If he can do this that's fine. My ex wasn't too bad,bit of a mummys boy in the beginning but it was all straightened out. Another friend of mine was told that his mum and dad came first after they'd been together 8 years. She said "what when they die who will come first then" because they were rowing and he said "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it". Can you imagine how awful she felt? So IMO people have to analyse before they get too heavily involved in a situation that could ruin them both financially and emotionally

YANBU, I wouldn't want to start to financially tie myself to your partner when this issue is still ongoing/he goes on the defensive. You really need to have a chat with him about how you're planning to manange finances now and in the long term (and when/if any DCs, etc).

I think that if you were living apart and just seeing each other, it's none of your business, but since you've thrown your "lot" in with his now that you've moved in, and I assume want to build a life together, this is a very important issue to resolve.

Sorry I've been away, there are a few points that I need to address.

GertieWooster- Yes I do use my brothers personal tax allowance for tax avoidance, he gifts me 90% of the money back (he keeps 10% for the use of his allowance), this has been approved by an accountant and is all above board. I do this to reduce my tax bill and increase my profits, this is not the same as what DP does in any way shape or form so I don't see how this makes me hypocritical.

Further I find this issue that if you live in a council house then you don't need to pay for your boiler to be repaired interesting, as DP has told me he has given her money to do this. This means that he has either lied to me or his sister has lied to him about it (this is more likely as he never questions anything she says). This has given me valuable ammo when addressing this situation in the future

Also I don't have any children at the moment, I'm also not a callous person I recognise that his sister was an important person in his life and has made a significant contribution to his life. That said my parents have done the same to me that does not mean that I am going to give them large volumes of money.

"I'm also not a callous person"

"This has given me valuable ammo "

In my mind these two statements contradict each other

She is an important person in his life, not "was>" .

I hope your boyfriend sees this and leaves you tbh.

Why do they contradict each other, posters here have said that if you live in a council house then you do not have to pay to replace your boiler although DP has given his sister money to do exactly this. I did not know this, this means that he is lying to me or she is lying to me and I think that it is more likely that she would be lying as he would never question anything she says.

What tyler said.

"I do use my brothers personal tax allowance for tax avoidance, he gifts me 90% of the money back (he keeps 10% for the use of his allowance), this has been approved by an accountant and is all above board. I do this to reduce my tax bill and increase my profits"

This may be a "legal" loophole but what you are doing is avoiding paying tax to the government so they can pay reasonable benefits to those who need them i.e. your DPs sister. Therefore you are the author of your own misfortune.

Hope when DP finally finds out what a bitch you are and leaves you and your children (evidence: "my parents have done the same to me that does not mean that I am going to give them large volumes of money.") that you don't find yourself in a world when greedy selfish bankers and tax avoidance schemes have left the govt unable to support lone parents

yanbu

if you two are living together and planning to start a family then it is your business what he spends money on and vice versa, as you are presumably soon going to have joint finances.

Once you have children it will not be feasible (or fair) for him to be spending £1000s per month bailing out his sister.

I think this is a big sign that you are rushing into things. You clearly have very different ideas about money, and that is one of the things that should be well sorted before children (or ttc).

I don't think feeling obliged to look after a competent adult is a sign of generosity or a sense of duty. To me it would be a big red flag of dysfunction.