Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP to give money to his sister

273 replies

dertitude · 16/01/2011 11:03

DP regulary gives money to his sister, she isn't wealthy and she has a daughter of her own and is a single parent. I've known he's been doing this for a long time but we only started to living together 6 months ago and up until this I thought his money his choice. However in the last 3 months he's given her about £2500 and according to him this is because her boiler broke and needed repairing and to buy her laptop because she needs a computer and internet access as shes started to train to become a social worker.

Whenever I have tried to talk to him about it he becomes really defensive and sensationalist, saying things like what do you me to do sit here whilst my sister and niece shiver in their own home. Another thing is that his dad was abusive and his mother was an alcoholic and his sister who is older did look after him and he claims that if it wasn't for her he wouldn't have any money anyway and that she deserves some of it because she looked after him and made sure he went to and did well at school. We are thinking about TTC and so I think we should start saving, AIBU to want him to stop

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 16/01/2011 19:49

OP you sound vile, just vile. I hope karma comes and bites you on the bum.

Ormirian · 16/01/2011 19:51

"This has given me valuable ammo when addressing this situation in the future"

You are a charming person aren't you? Perhaps he just likes giving his sister money, regardless of her need. Perhaps that is how he treats people he loves. Until you are starting to have to do without I don't think you have any right to object.

spikeycow · 16/01/2011 19:51

I don't get what's so wrong about the OP covering her back. Very sensible in a situation like this IMO. Rather than reassuring the possible future mother of his child, he's defending it all. So what if the sister needs something after the baby is born and he can't afford both? The OP needs to be 100% sure before she gets pregnant

thefurryone · 16/01/2011 19:52

So you give your brother money every month but begrudge your DP giving money to his sister when she can't heat her house or keep her child warm.

spikeycow · 16/01/2011 19:52

Yes, the dysfunction word. I agree. The OP needs to know what she's getting into here

Takeresponsibility · 16/01/2011 19:56

The being unreasonable isn't about wanting to know where she stands. He thinks her point of view is selfish, she thinks his response is sensationalistic.

They can't have a sensible conversation about money.

She wants to change the sort of person he is.

He is philantropic and gives to his less fortunate siblings, she fidles her taxes "legally" and pays her brother to use his tax code to do so.

These people should not even be chatting at adinner party, let alone contemplating having a baby.

thefurryone · 16/01/2011 19:57

In order to keep a sense of balance I think it's also probably quite important that her DP realises he's with someone who is clearly tight as a knuts chuff who would seemingly rather see her parents freeze to death or out on the street than help them when they need it!

Original poster
dertitude · 16/01/2011 19:57

Yes I do give my brother money for 2 reasons, the first of which I am using his tax allowance in order to reduce my companies tax bill and so he does deserve some financial reward for this Secondly he does do a small amount of work for me other wise this would be taxx evasion and illegal. As I said before this is all legal and is nothing like what DP does

OP posts:
spikeycow · 16/01/2011 19:59

OP in your heart of hearts do you believe he'd put you and your baby first? Because if you think you'd have to struggle to get your voice heard, he's not for you. I wish I could link threads but the one I was talking about before was awful, the OP was at the end of her tether with a young child and no money for extras while the H was paying his parents mortgage

GertieWooster · 16/01/2011 20:01

If you re-read my post, I did not accuse you of anything untoward. In fact I thought you were helping out your brother - you had made no mention of your brother gifting the money back to you.

You mention in the other thread that you wouldn't let your brother near your business "with a bargepole".

cat64 · 16/01/2011 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

byrel · 16/01/2011 20:03

I have sympathy with the OP, her DP is lying to her as people on this thread have shown, if you live in a council house then you don't have to pay to replace the boiler but her DP has given her sister money to do this so he has lied to her. What has this money been spent on?

Secondly she uses her brother in an accountant approved tax avoidance scheme for her company, this is good and sensible business practice

NoobyHoHoHo · 16/01/2011 20:04

Alibaba that is exactly what I was thinking...

byrel · 16/01/2011 20:06

Sorry it should his sister not hers

cleanandclothed · 16/01/2011 20:07

I don't know what sort of accountant you use but if anyone who worked for/with me gave that sort of advice I would be shocked. Is this accountant qualified? Paying your brother for work he does is fine if he keeps the money. If he gives 90% back to you then the word for that is 'sham'. And that, in accounting, is a very strong word indeed.

IAmReallyFabNow · 16/01/2011 20:07

OP has no profile. What a surprise.

I am sure what you are doing wrt the tax code is fraud. When you get caught you won't have to worry about your brother touching your company with a bargepole.

MainlyMaynie · 16/01/2011 20:08

If he has lied to you about the money, I think that's a really serious issue for your relationship. Do you know for certain that it went to his sister? If he is genuinely helping out his sister then I don't think you are right to interfere, but you certainly need to try and sort this out before your relationship goes any further. This is from both your perspectives. From his point of view, if he is just a decent man who believes in supporting family and those less fortunate than himself, your attitude to money and taxation could be a major issue for him later. From your perspective, you need to be able to trust your partner and if you have any doubts about where that money is going, you need to find out the truth now.

LadyBiscuit · 16/01/2011 20:11

So what if it wasn't a new boiler? Does your partner need to give you an itemised bill of what he spends his money on? Do you give him one?

Until you're in a situation where you have joint finances and have agreed how much each of you will personally contribute to the running of your household I don't think it's up to you to dictate to him.

And the situation with your brother sounds dodgy as fuck, whatever you've been told.

curlymama · 16/01/2011 20:13

I'm with Spikeycow, and agree with what Cat64 said.

I wouldn't want to be having a child with a man that gave away such a large amount of money to his sister.

cikals · 16/01/2011 20:15

I'm an accountant albeit not a tax one and what the OP has done is legal provided its done in a certain way. From memory I think he can gift back up to £30,000 tax free provided he doesn't die in the next 7 years in which case it might be eligible for inheritance tax. This is based on very basic tax accountancy I did years ago so it might not be accurate.

Anyway if your business is only making 18k profits HMRC won't even look into it anyway as it wouldn't be worth the effort.

kittybuttoon · 16/01/2011 20:20

OP, you have voiced your concerns to your partner, and he has, in effect, told you to butt out, and made clear where his priorities lie.

I honestly don't think you are going to change his philosophy.

Sounds like your sense of entitlement is very different from his outlook on life.

Support yourself (you seem very capable of managing your own finances) and leave him free to make his own decisions .

Takeresponsibility · 16/01/2011 20:25

Tax avoidance may be not be illegal but that doesn't make it right. "Figures produced by the Tax Justice Network show that £25 billion is lost annually in tax avoidance and a further £70 billion in tax evasion by large companies and wealthy individuals.

An additional £26 billion is going uncollected. Therefore the total annual tax gap stands at over £120 billion (more than three-quarters of the annual deficit!). It is not just us calculating this; leaked Treasury documents in 2006 estimated the tax gap at between £97 and £150 billion"

You are part of the problem that has caused your OPs sister to not have enough benefits to live on in the first place. Like I said author of your own misfortune.

byrel · 16/01/2011 20:27

I don't see the relevance of the OP avoiding tax.

darleneconnor · 16/01/2011 20:28

I hope this relationship dissolves before they start TTC.

huddspur · 16/01/2011 20:29

I hope your bf sees this thread and your true colours because if/when he does I think you will be packing your bags

Swipe left for the next trending thread