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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think trying to cut step children out of a will is evil?

115 replies

kepler10b · 15/01/2011 09:43

did anyone see Can't Take It With You on BBC2 last night? I have never shouted at a television so much. It featured two men who had remarried and their current wives wanted to cut the children from former marriages out of the wills (or greatly reduce the amount paid to them). And the men were putting up with it! Not only did they not want the children to have the money they wanted to leave it to charity...although that was slightly shown up as a lie when the will writing came into play. It was clearly just jealousy and self-serving power play. The truth really comes out when money is at stake.

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00xk05j/Cant_Take_It_with_You_Charity_Doesnt_Begin_at_Home/

OP posts:
stoppinchingthedummy · 15/01/2011 09:46

It is evil!! some women are really that evil!!! and some men really that fecking stupid!!!! grrrr wish i hadnt read this- too close to home!!

Chil1234 · 15/01/2011 09:47

Where there's a will, there's a relative...

belgo · 15/01/2011 09:47

My dh was watching this last night. Horrible women.

hoovercraft · 15/01/2011 09:48

No.It depends on circumstances.We have worked out what we think its fair and based on what each child will"get" from their parents. on our side it doesnt work out to an even split but we are both happy with that.

My parents divorced when I was in my 30's. My father remarried a woman who has one child. She is 45. She has already inherited from her father who passed away a few years ago.

Do you think my father should split his money between his 3 children and the 45 year old woman?They have been married about 3 years.

mamatomany · 15/01/2011 09:53

My poor DH's step mother will have all this, she's been married twice, the men both died leaving her a substantial amount and there are various step children, no biological children and about 40 grandchildren.
I am dreading her leaving us, apart from the obvious as i suspect we'll see a side to people we would hope isn't there.

hoovercraft · 15/01/2011 09:56

Everybody thinks emotionally about this and imagines the children.

What if your stepchild was an adult who never had a relationship with his father and was nasty and caused him nothing but heartache and showed disrespect and your own child was one who had been in a loving relationship with his father? Its complicated.

aPixieInMyCaramelLatte · 15/01/2011 09:57

I didn't see it but YANBU. That is evil.

When I "got together" with dp, I knew from the start about his son from a previous marriage. I got into this relationship knowing that DSS will always be a big part of the family. That to me means that any money is split equally to every child in this family.

So currently that means any money would be equally split 3 ways between our 2 sons together and DSS.

Of course DSS could in theory end up with more inheritance as he will more than likely be the only child of his mums and will therefore leave anything to him in the will but that doesn't mean my boys should get more than dss in our will does it?

TheMeow · 15/01/2011 09:59

My mum has nothing but debt to pass to me and my siblings. I'd love to have an inheritance worth fighting about tbh....

hoovercraft · 15/01/2011 09:59

pixie im not sure. We tried to figure out a way to make it even for ours as dss will get the house my dh bought and his ex now owns.He was really concerned it would be inequitableso we have worked out a way we think it will give both boys the most even split.

mamatomany · 15/01/2011 10:01

As dss will get the house my dh bought and his ex now owns

What if the ex his mum is ill and the house is sold to pay medical bills, it won't be very evenly split then.

hoovercraft · 15/01/2011 10:02

It wont be. She has already sold it for a pot of cash and gone to live with her new man

Original poster
kepler10b · 15/01/2011 10:03

what if your own child was nasty and the step child was loving. i bet you'd still fight for your own child to get the share and put the nastiness down to problems they had experienced or difficulties etc.

what i really couldn't understand was the men thinking their wives were being reasonable. one wanted to leave half the estate to a cat's home - she didn't even have her own children just didn't want the sons to get it. the best friend was saying it wasn't on. the presenter was saying it wasn't on. the men just couldn't see it. made me think of the lyrics to "when a man loves a woman".

OP posts:
hoovercraft · 15/01/2011 10:07

I will be asking my own father to leave any money he might leave me directly to my son.

wishingforcrystalball · 15/01/2011 10:09

Anything left to anyone in a will is a bonus, and shouldn't be seen as an expected.

I know that if my mother dies before my step-father I won't get anything, and it will be split between my 3 sisters (2 step 1 whole), whilst if my step-father dies first it will be split 4 ways.

Harsh but c'est la vie.

tuggy · 15/01/2011 10:09

Hang on, with the first couple the money was genuinely 50/50

They ran a business together and earnt it all fairly. He had kids, she didn't

The both got to choose what to do with their 50%. He chose his kids, she chose her charity that she'd been involved heavily in for years and years.

I can't think of any fairer solutions. Why should she "have" to give her half to some kids that aren't hers when she has CHOSEN not to have children herself? She worked damn hard for her money, and this sense of entitlement for someone elses kids is stupid.

As a side note, I think I personally would have given it to them, but I will fight tooth and nail for the ladies CHOICE about HER hard earned pennies.

The second couple - the children were not his they were his ex-wifes children. So you expect the lady in the relationship to give half of her hard earned to two chilren that are another womens and another mans that she has never met? I appreciate the Husband had an emotional bond with them as he knew them from wee so totally understand. However the women, whilst i'm sure she was fond of them, owes them nothing.

As I said if its YOUR MONEY its YOUR CHOICE and I dont think anyone else should even dare comment!

But saying that, I think the second women was trying to pull a fast one before the presenter pointed out that the money hadnt been split evenly! Her hubby was a pussy.

Original poster
kepler10b · 15/01/2011 10:12

personally i think parents should leave their estate equally to all their children regardless of any other money they may or may not get.

OP posts:
hoovercraft · 15/01/2011 10:13

tuggy that is how we view it....its 50/50 for us and we choose

tyler80 · 15/01/2011 10:13

Agree that inheritance isn't a right.

When my granddad died, his assets passed to his step wife whom he married in his early sixties. She has no children, no nieces/nephews. If she has no will, who knows where her assets will go, but c'est la vie.

willneverseeapenny · 15/01/2011 10:16

My Mum didn't make a will, and then hurriedly made one on her deathbed two weeks before she died. She left everything to my Dad and my 2 siblings and I were happy with this as we loved and trusted my Dad and had no reason not to...

3 weeks after she died my Dad had a new girlfriend (wtf???!!!). He married her quickly and we fell out over it.

We will never see a penny, which is fine as it is up to my Dad what he does with his money but it hurts that I KNOW my Mum wouldn't have wanted us to be left nothing at all and she trusted my Dad.

My Dad is wealthy and stepmother has now had several beautiful houses and many many expensive holidays. Her 4 DCs will do well out of it.......

PLEASE MAKE A WILL THAT RECOGNISES WHAT YOU WANT TO HAPPEN TO YOUR SHARE OF THINGS.

WHO DO YOU NOT WANT TO BE LEFT OUT?

hoovercraft · 15/01/2011 10:16

If my husband died now with no will- I would get 50% and the kids would get the remaining 50%. So the way I see it......years later when I die, I will leave all my money to my son (built on by my hard work as I am the main income earner).

Original poster
kepler10b · 15/01/2011 10:18

the second couple...it wasn't her hard earned. he had brought the majority of the wealth into the relationship (a fair bit of it had been inherited himself). when push came to shove she actually wanted to leave a chunk to her parents. why should a massive amount of money that he had brought into the relationship end up with her parents rather than two girls he regarded as daughters?

first couple...of course she doesn't HAVE to give the money to children who aren't hers but surely when you marry someone you take on the whole package? any children they have should become as good as your children (even though you haven't had them). she may have chosen not to have biological children but she also chose to marry someone who did. to me that means she has actually chosen to have children.

OP posts:
mumblechum · 15/01/2011 10:19

I'm a willwriter and the most difficult wills to write are frequently for step families, to try to strike a fair balance.

For some people, an even split isn't automatically the fairest option, eg where a man has 3 children in their thirties,with jobs and fairly comfortable, and then two aged 9 & 11 who obviously have a higher need. In those circs, I usually write a clause to say that if the man dies before the youngest child is, say, 21, there's an uneven split, he goes when they're all financially independent, then it'll be equal.

If anyone'd like any info about will writing, my email addy is [email protected].

BlueCollie · 15/01/2011 10:55

My DH has wrote his will to state that it all gets left to me and then I split it. It's done like this purely for the reason that his daughter would not see her inheritence as her (erm trying really hard not to be derogatory here) mother would spend it on herself and not save it for her daughter. I intend, god forbid if it happened before I kicked the bucket and the children are 18, is to split any monies between me, myself and the children evenly but to put the childrens into trust fund until they are old enough and sensible enough to use it wisely. The house will be mine until I die and then split between both our children and any children they have. I just couldn't bear to think about my DSD being part of my life and then when I die her being excluded out of the will just because I didn't give birth to her.

I'm saying this now of course but who knows in the future both DS and DSD could hate us or become addicts in which case I'm leaving it the dogs trust Grin
My Fathers (use that term loosely) mother left 75% of her estate to my mum and only 10% to my Father. God I would have loved to have seen his face when he found that out!!

BlueCollie · 15/01/2011 10:56

Ooh that's worderd badly...I meant use the term father loosely and not use the term fathers mother....if you get what a mean!

WimpleOfTheBallet · 15/01/2011 10:58

A lot of men do as they're told re things like this..sick cows they sound!

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