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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think trying to cut step children out of a will is evil?

115 replies

kepler10b · 15/01/2011 09:43

did anyone see Can't Take It With You on BBC2 last night? I have never shouted at a television so much. It featured two men who had remarried and their current wives wanted to cut the children from former marriages out of the wills (or greatly reduce the amount paid to them). And the men were putting up with it! Not only did they not want the children to have the money they wanted to leave it to charity...although that was slightly shown up as a lie when the will writing came into play. It was clearly just jealousy and self-serving power play. The truth really comes out when money is at stake.

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00xk05j/Cant_Take_It_with_You_Charity_Doesnt_Begin_at_Home/

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 15/01/2011 13:15

I watched that

the first couple going for a 50/50 split, it was her money she wanted to do what she wanted to do with it - it's hers, she has every right to

the second couple - she was objecting to her husband leaving money to the children at all, not her assets, but his...

animula · 15/01/2011 13:29

Dh is in this position. And it's looking a bit imminent.

It's not the money, to be honest, as the sentiment. And comes after years of dh's father just ... not being there.

I'm dreading it, really, because I think the emotional fall-out is going to be huge. The more his father is careless about dh, the more dh runs around in circles. I think there's a bit of denial going on, and that's going to go smash in the near future.

It's depressing.

animula · 15/01/2011 13:31

Everything is being left to his current wife. That's everything, not even sentimental things being given to his children while he's still alive. And new wife wouldn't let him see us for a couple of years when grandchild was first born. so she's not ... warm.

Eeeurrgh.

FudgeGirl · 15/01/2011 13:32

I'm so glad someone else was disgusted by the woman married to the Major on this programme!

In my mind, the fact the Major's children were not biologically wasn't even an issue - they were his daughters and they called him dad, he had raised them since they were two and five-years-old.

On his death, as his children, they should benefit in some way from the money he has worked for in his life. As his wife, she should have respected that IMO.

Kiera (the wife) instead claimed that people shouldn't get an inheritance from their parents (I don't think she ever addressed the "step" issue - she did admit to being jealous of the attention the dad gave the girls and was nasty about one of the daughters not having a job).

But then everything turned around at the end when Kiera decided that should she die before her parents, her parents should get her estate. WTF? So her husband can't leave money to his children, but she can leave hers to her parents?

It made me so angry. She came across as a controlling, money grabbing bitch and I truly felt sorry for the man - who admitted he didn't trust her to look after his daughters if he died. The man cried about it on camera!

I'm not saying the woman had to give any of her own money to the girls, but she should have respected that the Major was going to leave money to his daughters - something she didn't want to happen.

I hope his next visit to a solicitor is for a divorce!

charliesmommy · 15/01/2011 13:37

I dont have any children yet, so the way our wills are at the moment is we both leave everything to each other if one of us dies, and after the second one of us has died, our estate is split equally between his 3 children from his previous marriage. If we have any children of our own, they will be included and the wills rewritten to include them. Although there will probably be something written into it that allows any child under 21 a larger share to provide education (other 3 are all over 21).

tabulahrasa · 15/01/2011 13:50

yeah she was nasty about one of them not working - wasn't it, her life seems to be staying at home to look after her children Hmm

oldraver · 15/01/2011 13:53

Munblechum I dont have step-children but do have a grown up son who I feel doesnt need as much support as young DS and when I suggested leaving more to him I came up against a lot of aggro from my Mum stating it wasn't fair

I think I'm going to go with a set amount each year for DS2's upkeep until he is 18 and the rest divided equally

FudgeGirl · 15/01/2011 13:59

I have a DSS, DP was amazed last night when I said if he died first, that on my death everything would go to DSS - bless him, I think he assumed I'd give it all to the Blue Cross or something Grin

I said the only way DSS wouldn't get everything of mine is if I remarried and had kids (v unlikely, but you never know), but DSS would still be included in my will whatever happened.

I think he was pleased I feel like that, only right IMO.

BrigitBigKnickers · 15/01/2011 14:06

I have an uncle who was my mum's sister's second husband. When she married him, she had quite a few assets including a large house.

She died a few years ago ands her will passed everything on to him and made no provision for her own children (as I assume she thought he would make sure he included them in his will.)

He has made a new will so her two children get nothing and his only son inherits the lot. Bastard.

She must be turning in her grave.

ISNT · 15/01/2011 14:18

Not read all of this.

I have more assets from before marriage than DH. When we did our wills, my pre-marriage assets have been put in trust for my children with him. If I were to die, he gets the house, life insurance etc and will be perfectly comfortable, and obviously would be able to meet someone else and have some more children. But it means that my stuff goes to my kids, no questions. Otherwise there would be the risk if I left it all to him that he might not dispose of it as I might wish.

If people are concerned about these sorts of issues then they need to make arrangements NOW.

arentfanny · 15/01/2011 14:30

I think the first couple fair enough 50/50 they have both put equal money in, he seems to have gambled quite a lot of their money without her knowledge at one point, staright split, although saddens me that she doesn't want anything to do with his children.

Haven't watched the second one yet, but it sickesn me that he is not allowed to leave assets that he owns separately from her to his children, and sorry she is just nasty in that interview, saying all his daughter does is stay at home and looks after the children, she has no idea.

arentfanny · 15/01/2011 14:31

And she looks hideous in pink.

Original poster
kepler10b · 15/01/2011 14:58

i'm surprised how many people think the first couple "fair enough". really does show blood is thicker than water. what if they were both the biological parents and one of them wanted to leave (their) half of the estate to the cat's home and the other wanted to leave it to the kids?

yes you can say it's their choice but i really think that choice speaks volumes. as i've said before i think if you marry someone with children (even adult children), you should think of those children as if they were your own and act accordingly.

my OH who isn't british comes from a culture where they don't use the term 'step'. parents are parents and children are children. it's part of the whole package. when you marry someone you become part of their family and all the good and bad, lovely people and disfunctional relatives that might come along with that.

OHs comment last night to the major was what sort of p@ssy people do they have in the british army. made me laugh.

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 15/01/2011 16:31

I wouldn't agree with that

If my mother got remarried, he'd not be my parent - in any way at all

Anyone she meets now, would be her partner and so yes part of the family, but he'd not be my parent adn I wouldn't expect him to view me as his child, in fact I'd find it a bit weird if he did

Eglu · 15/01/2011 16:35

Fudgegirl your first post summed up exactly what I thought of Keira. I also was confused by the fact that she didn't think family should automatically get inheritance, but she expected her DH to leave everything to her. I wonder how she would have felt if he sadi that he would leave all his estate to the army.

I think the other woman was just as bad. When asked what if her DHs children were struggling financially after his death, her responce was they are not my responsibility. NICE!!

Unwind · 15/01/2011 16:37

I did not see the programme, but YANBU

it is an emotional betrayal as well, when remarriage means the dc from the first family get sod all inheritance

LemonDifficult · 15/01/2011 16:45

YABU - your will should be private and you should be able to leave your assets to whoever you like.

Step children might be well able to look after themselves and flown the nest long before you met their parent. Why should they be involved if you'd rather leave your money to the local cat home?

Unwind · 15/01/2011 16:50

If you marry someone, don't you join their family, choosing to take on obligations towards them?

Nobody is forced to become a step parent.

MrsBananaGrabber · 15/01/2011 16:57

Does anyone know if it's the done thing to leave money to grandchildren. My parents have recently mentioned making a will and including my 3 DC's.......they are all small and I am an only child, it just seems odd to me, I don't like the thought of my children recieving large sums of money before they are ready to handle it iykwim.

Lamorna · 15/01/2011 17:00

You can put in trust MrsBanana and give an age when they can have it and it can be later than 18yrs. It seems very sensible to leave it to grandchildren. There is no 'done thing' , people are free to do what they like.

mumblechum · 15/01/2011 17:00

Mrs Banana, your children's gifts would be held in trust until they were at least 18, possibly older, and the executors of your parents' wills would look after the trust.

My emai is [email protected] if anyone would like more info about making a Will.

Eglu · 15/01/2011 17:01

My MIL is leaving money to her DGC in her will. My DGM also did, although my Brother and I were adults when she died. If your parents want to do it they should do it in trust until they are a certain age.

dessen · 15/01/2011 17:03

agree with stoppinchingthedummy

LadyBiscuit · 15/01/2011 17:04

MrsB - you can ask your mum to leave the money in trust for your DC until they are 18? Then they can use it for university. My DS won't inherit the bulk of my estate until he's 21 so he doesn't piss it all up the wall at once :o

I didn't see the programme but my mother has two friends who died and their husbands remarried very quickly and their new wives have cut the children out of the will. My parents have a clause in their will like ISNT has - if either one of them dies and the other remarries, all the wealth is ringfenced and the new spouse can't touch it.

MrsBananaGrabber · 15/01/2011 17:07

Thanks, so I can choose when they have access to it. I did mention to my mother that maybe it would be better to help them through uni rather than giving a young person a large sum of money, god knows what I would have done with lots of cash at 18, but i'm pretty sure I wouldn't have any left now Wink