To think American baby showers are tacky and rude

[DaraMahini]

Anybody agree with me that baby showers (which americans have) are just tacky and quite rude?

I know it is the done thing over there, but it seems to me that if you live in America, you get pregnant and all your friends and family fork out and buy everything for you, including the expensive things like cots, pushchairs and car seats.

Hate them with a passion and would always decline an invite. They are just an excuse to get presents, the baby hasn't even arrived! Then people feel obliged to take a card and another present once the baby is actually here.

Agree with Swanandduck, special occasions like the joining of a couple in marriage or baptising a child in its faith are more about the party and gifts now than the actual ceremony. Thousands of people who christen their child dont do it for the religion part but just so that they can have a christening.

Dont get me started on weddings and requests for cash or payment towards a honeymoon.

Please don't tell me people now leave 'lists' in shops for baby presents???
How utilitarian.

I hate the way weddings and now, seemingly, baby showers in some cases, are just turned into a virtual shopping experience for the bride/mother.

without reading the whole of the thread, and i can pretty much imagine whats been said, i do agree with what swanandduck said at 10.04.

however, i've been to quite a few and had one thrown for me and a baby list never existed, presents were not expected (most wanted to give their gift once baby had arrived) and naff games were definitely NOT played!

was a gathering of very close friends, sipping champagne, having a gossip, eating a nice dinner and gifts given if they felt so inclined. Very much a "wishing you and baby all the best" kind of event that involved spoiling Mum to be.

Frankly, considering they've got the whole "giving birth" bit to go through, sleepless nights and everything else that goes with it coming their way, then why not?? [smuile].

i do find it hugely crass if someone throws one for themselves - a bit embarassing, no?

People are individuals how they choose to celebrate (or not celebrate for that matter) events in ones life; babies, marriage, divorce, death etc is up to the individual.

If you don't want to do something THEN DON'T but don't judge others by saying something it is 'tacky and rude' because you don't choose to celebrate or not celebrate lifes events in a particular manner or have any specific knowledge or understanding of those events.

People give gifts for these different life events because they want to. I enjoy giving gifts to friends and family for life's events because they are important to me.

Gifts can also come in the form of 'vouchers' from a friend for babysitting or filling a fridge with casseroles.

"The value of a man resides in what he gives and not in what he is capable of receiving" - Einstein

They are not any more tacky than a wedding shower or birthday party. If people host them with the expectation people should shell out huge gifts, that is tacky. If they are hosted as they are intended, a celebration of friends and family and the new baby into a family, they are food, fun and family/friendship. I have never felt so loved as when surrounded by friends or family or even work colleagues will have them, hosting a shower. The gifts are small and thoughtful, baby books, sometimes homemade blankets or sweaters, diapers, bubble bath for mom, etc. It is not to be a gift grab, the tackiness falls on the people hosting (and perhaps the new parents) not the event itself.

Applauds butterflyeffect*

It's a bit of a bugbear that MN doesn't seem to care about American bashing. If the OP was, 'to think [enter another nationality custom] is tacky and rude' it wouldn't be allowed as offensive. But hey, it's Americans....

It's not my style. I didn't have a baby shower, nor would I - it would feel too much like I was demanding presents!

However - double standards here - a friend of mine is having a baby shower, and I'm really looking forward to it. I haven't had much of a change to see her while she's pregnant. I'm really looking forward to spending some time with her, making a fuss of her and spending some time to just focus on her and her baby. I'm looking forward to buying something nice for her baby (I don't have a lot of money so it won't be big).

As she is a first time mum, I feel this is a way us "older" mums can offer some support. Also, in my group of friends it's rare that just the women get together, but I think this is a really nice occasion.

Having said that, the mum in question is lovely, and so I didn't think her intentions were tacky at all.

When I heard of someone else I know having a baby shower, who is one of the most self-obsessed people I know, I thought "yes, you would, wouldn't you".

So whether it's tacky or not depends what you're like IMO. Just like some weddings can be tacky, some not - it depends on the people involved.

BecauseItoldyouso

"People are individuals how they choose to celebrate (or not celebrate for that matter) events in ones life; babies, marriage, divorce, death etc is up to the individual.

If you don't want to do something THEN DON'T but don't judge others by saying something it is 'tacky and rude' because you don't choose to celebrate or not celebrate lifes events in a particular manner or have any specific knowledge or understanding of those events."

Absolutely.

my sister threw me a baby shower and it was lovely to have everyone together for cupcakes and tea. there was no list but people did ask what i was needing in order that they could get me something i needed. i gave a variety of suggestions and some people chipped in together to get me a bigger item. i did not then expect them to get me a present once the baby was born!

on the subject of supersticion, i had everything in for when the baby was born and then my DD was critical when born and in intensive care for sometime. but not once did i think 'it was because i had the pram in the house' or other baby stuff that made her unwell. having presents for the baby before she was born had no relation to her being unwell!

generally people that are invited to showers would probably have bought a present anyway and there should not be pressure on cost etc. i did ask for books for a starter library and babygrows of different sizes, bibs etc and suggested a baby seat thing from babies r us if people wanted to club in for a bigger present!

i think maybe baby showers will become more popular in the uk as the younger generation grow out of the supersticions.

My husband held a baby shower for me and re-named it 'motherhood adoration day' (M.A.D) Some people bought gifts, some not. Some gifts were for me, some for baby. Lots of tea and cake. Just a few hours of talking about being a Mum, "adoring mothers". We wanted to do it as we thought Mothers did such an amazing job, and needed adoration (and that was before I even had a baby)!! Now having has DS and experiencing just how much work it is any chance to celebrate what an amazing job Mothers (and Fathers) all do and the gift of a new baby should I think be seized on!

This reminds me of that episode of SITC when Carrie is invited to a friend's fourth(?) baby shower and her shoes go missing. There is a great bit of dialogue about how single people are always forking out gor bloody engagements, weddings, babies etc

What to do single people get?

Well I'm Canadian so I like them - they're just a chance to get together, have a nice time and celebrate the impending arrival. In my experience guests actually - gasp - enjoy them.

I compeltely agree there's a tendency on MN to take aspects of US culture which have been mis-adopted in the UK (trick or treating is a perfect example) and bash them. Well, I think being invited only to a wedding evening do is the height of tackiness - they don't usually do that in North America - but hey, I accept that it's the norm here.

I went to one in the USA when I lived there, and was REALLY embarrassed, as I obviously hadn't spent enough on the gift, and the main focus of the party was opening the gifts in front of everyone (which I had always thought was a bit tacky at a party anyway).

I spent $26 (about 18 pounds) on my gift, and it was clearly meant to have been nearer $60-80 (ie around 50 pounds).

Its a cultural difference thing.

As others have noted, friends of the mother-to-be host the shower. It is tacky to host your own, or even one for a relative, really. ("Here, bring my daughter a gift. . .")

With regard to the registry, this is a new thing. As has happened with weddings in the UK as well, people used to need practical wedding presents like sheets because they hadn't lived on their own before and now there's an explosion of commercialism and grabbiness which bothers some people. It's the same with showers in the US. When our mothers/grandmothers had showers, they received things like cloth nappies, socks, vests, receiving blankets. Registering for these things was unheard of. Now people register for things like "Diaper Genies". I find this lamentable, but I don't think this is a characteristic of baby showers so much as the rise of consumer culture, which happens in the UK as well. (Again, think of weddings and registries.)

YABU - how can you be so fixated on the present aspect, when it's simply a social gathering to celebrate a woman's inpending motherhood? Most parties are held with an expectation of a present -it's not exactly unusual (birthday, anniversary, engagement, wedding, leaving work etc) and in the return, the present giver has a nice evening or afternoon out with possibly some free food and drink thrown in. I actually like giving (modest) presents.. is that so strange??

My best friend threw me a baby shower for DS1. it was at her house, but I paid for all the delicious food and bubbly. Being 8.5 months pg, it was a great way of seeing your friends before you head off into months of confinement. I also felt that in the last few months of my pregnancy, lots of friends wanted to meet up when I was at my most exhausted and having a baby shower was the perfect way of seeing everyone in one place, at one time.

Suggest if anyone finds them tacky, they should stay away. It all depends on how you feel about the person having the shower, I guess. I tend to want to spoil and make a fuss of my heavily pregnant friends. Suspect I'm not that unusual

My friend has just told me she wants to hold one for me. I have no idea at all what to expect and wasn't really thinking of having one. My initial reaction was that it would be cheesy and I don't like being the centre of attention.

However...she went on to explain why she wants to do one for me. Obviously she is a very close friend but we don't live near each other and see or see each other often. She basically said as I wasn't married and hadn't had a wedding list or the big day for that I should have a fuss made now. My mum died a few years ago and the only other person in my family is my dad (who is still embarassed and awkward walking around Mothercare - hissed at me that we "have to stop doing this" last time he drove me there) so in her eyes I need all the support and love to be shown by my friends. I kind of get what she means but also feel many friends will feel the same way as most of you on here - that I am being grabby.

I really just want everyone to have fun and meet each other (30 odd people have said they will come!) and any gifts are of course welcome but I do feel awkward that they think I am expecting them.

I wanted to do one for a friend whereby a bunch of girlfriends were going to come for lunch. If they wanted to bring a little pressie or something then fine. There might have been a few pastel coloured balloons but nothing else really - more of an excuse to see some friends before the arrival of a baby made it a bit more tricky for a time. But other friends totally vetoed it which I think was incredibly mean-spirited and still grates, 4 yrs on. I can see what you mean about the American versions though - a bit grasping and also cheesy. Prefer my british version!

I really do want to see some of my friends before I give birth, move house and my life will change forever. However, the thought of a traditional American shower fills me with dread. I went to one and found it terribly distasteful, especially the part which involved opening the gifts in front of everyone! Then again, I also disliked having my hen night organised for me and refused to get together a wedding list after years of living with my DH.

Having said that, I don't mind people organising them for their friends. If they like the custom, I don't have a problem with buying their baby a nice outfit and enjoying an odd cupcake in their company.

I think it is odd NOT to open the gifts you have received in front those whom have given them to you.

What a strange thing!