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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think American baby showers are tacky and rude

205 replies

DaraMahini · 13/01/2011 15:10

Anybody agree with me that baby showers (which americans have) are just tacky and quite rude?

I know it is the done thing over there, but it seems to me that if you live in America, you get pregnant and all your friends and family fork out and buy everything for you, including the expensive things like cots, pushchairs and car seats.

OP posts:
spamm · 15/01/2011 01:23

I am a Brit living in the US, since Oct 09. My sister, who has lived here for 16 years, just had a little boy and had 3 baby showers.

The one I went to was held by three neighbors, for a group of female friends of all ages, and it was fantastic. My DSIS loved it and was spoilt to bits, but was so very appreciative. People gave all sorts of gifts from the very expensive - our Mom bought her a buggy and I bought a baby swing - to the inexpensive like a bag of nappies or a couple of dummies. Everybody brought nice food and we sat around and chatted.

The other two showers were held by her DH's relatives as surprises as they live far away and wanted to be part of things.

Astrophe · 15/01/2011 01:52

Showers are commonplace in Australia too (so you can bash us along with the Americans if you like Hmm).

Usually a close friend or Sister hosts the party. Its to celebrate a wonderful impending event, not 'soley to get gifts' as some have said. In what way is it different from having a birthday party?

Often guests will be asked to bring some cake or another item to contribute to afternoon tea. Its usually just women (and sometimes their daughters), although my brother and SIL had a BBQ to which all their (male and female) friends were invited.

Usually the hostess will have a list of gift ideas for people who ask (things like bibs, wipes, cot sheets etc etc), and there is not expectation that everyone will bring a gift (although who wouldn't want to! Its exciting!)

If I go to the shower of a friend and give a nice gift, I don't then feel obliged to give another gift once baby is born! If Its a close friend or relative I might, but its certainly not expected!

Bridal showers are also fairly common - I had two in fact! Both thrown for me - one by a friend of mine, and people brought little kitch items like woden spoons, graters etc, and one thrown by my Mums best friend for all mu mums friends, because they wanted to celebrate and most weren;t invited to the wedding. That on was a 'Pantry tea' and all the women brought me their favourite recipe and ingredients to make it. It was really epecial, and I don't think tacky at all!

MadamDeathstare · 15/01/2011 02:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

miacat · 15/01/2011 03:19

People always say 'you don't have to bring anything', but i think we all know that's a big lie :)

I was going to have one, as 4 of my friends recently did, but i have decided to have a 'welcome baby' type gathering. We are going to have it at the same place we had our wedding reception, but with a few less people and less expense! Then my husband and all his friends can come to.

I will feel better if people do decide to buy anything, as they will get a 'baby fix' and some food in return. (Rather than a load of pregnant women and mothers moaning about their experiences lol :)

I agree, that the celebration should come after the baby is here! My girlfriends and i are always exchanging outgrown items back and forth and small gifts regardless of what event or time of year it is.

onmyfeet · 15/01/2011 04:07

I feel I should add, yes, a baby shower is called "shower" because we do shower the mother-to-be with gifts. However, it is not supposed to be her idea, but done by friends and family, for the baby and to make the MTB feel special that day. Usually you like the person, that is why you are there, and do not begrudge a present. It can be a bib, or a change matt, does not have to be something costly.

miacat · 15/01/2011 04:25

I think it's much more fun once the baby is born, to shower it then tho. And the men can join in and be present at a baby welcoming party.

If i go to baby showers i tend to buy the M2B a gift rather than the baby, as she often gets neglected and you feel very unattractive after 2 days of labour! Lol :)

mathanxiety · 15/01/2011 04:51

Well I had one in the States. It was a surprise shower when I was about to pop with DD1, and it was held in the office where I worked. I will never forget how generous and kind everyone was (yyy, Cherrysodalover) or my surprise when I came back from the errand they had sent me on to get me out of the way while they set out all the food they had spirited into the office and hidden - and it was a lot of fun all afternoon for all. I used all the items, from little stuffed bunnies to a super expensive carseat and a high chair, with blankets and booties galore in between, and oodles of little outfits, for all 5 of the DCs.

What's wrong with a little celebration and welcoming a baby? It can all be as simple or as elaborate as the organiser wants, and you know if you stick to the list when you go out buying a gift that you'll be giving something the mum genuinely wants or needs - no poking around in the dark or having a frazzled new mum bring a bunch of useless things back for exchange.

hopingforfour · 15/01/2011 04:59

Well as an American, here is my opinion...

When I go to a shower, I give what I would even if there wasn't one. In other words, if I am very close to the person I will spend more time and money on a gift. If I am not that close, I try to get something nice without having to spend a lot, ie making something.

As for my own shower, my friends hardly spent any money putting it on, and I got some pretty "frugal" gifts. Fine by me. The only "big" gift we got was a carseat from MIL and a PackNPlay from an Aunt. We bought all other equipt like stroller, swing etc.

I think there are some people who are tacky about it, but it doesn't have to be. Also, I want to put on showers for my friends, and assume they do for me too. :)

gingercoconut · 15/01/2011 05:05

I'm having one this weekend! I'm in America though and after much initial resistance, the American girls have managed to persuade me. Very sweetly though...

I asked that they all brought poems they liked so I could make a book of them to read to the baby one day but a lot still wanted a registry list so I made one - mostly cheap things - baby gros e.t.c.

I'm looking forward to it - tea, cake, a bit of gossip and hopefully a lot of advice will be shared, which, I think, is the whole reason to have these things in the first place, no?

It's only tacky if you're tacky, I'd like to think, but then maybe I'm super tacky! Anyway, I'm happy my friends have been so welcoming to a foreigner in their culture.

tadjohndoryp · 15/01/2011 05:06

That sounds really nice gingercoconut. Hope you have a lovely time!

TyraG · 15/01/2011 06:53

Oh I forgot to mention that the person who plans the shower also plans fun shower games and buys prizes for the people who win the games.

I threw one for a friend of mine and bought some nice smelly candles, bath stuff, etc., for the prizes.

Coralanne · 15/01/2011 10:23

Last weekend my DD's very close friend hosted a baby shower for her.

We had a wonderful time.

DD's friend organized the whole thing. (baby is a boy). The shower was set out like high tea. Very oldworldy.

Beautiful blue cupcakes set out on three tier cake stands.

Pale blue and pale green balloons. She had even made up little booklets with games to be played.

Tiny little sandwiches and small cooked chicken pieces.

Even small bowls of blue jelly beans.

It wasn't about the presents, although DD received some beautiful gifts. It was just a nice afternoon with good company and the wonderful anticipation of another samll one coming into the world.

Even

Coralanne · 15/01/2011 10:27

Forgot to say as we were all leaving we were handed a beautiful little bag. Inside was a small photo frame, a scented candle for the oil burner and a blue trimmed gauze which held heart shaped chocolates covered with blue wrapping and some blue jellybeans.

What a wonderful thoughtful friend DD has.

StataLover · 15/01/2011 11:17

I've noticed that nearly everyone who has either lived in the US, is American or has American friends gets the idea of the babyshower as it's meant to be.

Personally, I think people who haven't experienced America in its entirety don't really get how genuinely generous and giving Americans are.

Gracie123 · 15/01/2011 15:10

I love the idea of a baby shower, but never had one as we moved across the country 3 months before DS was born and didn't know anyone there Sad
My Sis has helped organise several for other people Envy
as others have said, it's not about the gifts (we had everything we needed and relatives posted more!) but those last few weeks before the baby came I was terrified/excited/exhausted/lonely and it would have been nice to get tougher with some girly mates and have a giggle.

tadjohndoryp · 15/01/2011 17:34

Agreed stata.

beyondtacky · 15/01/2011 17:42

A lot of my friends are now giving baby showers based on the Blessingway ceremony - a traditional First American ritual.

Each guest brings a bead chosen for the expectant mother. The mother strings the beads and holds or wears them during her labour, if she wishes. Often, her friends light a candle for her when she goes into labour. Later, the beads can be used as a nursing necklace.

I think it's lovely.

Interestingly, there is a huge debate on mothering forums in North America about whether the cultural appropriation of the Blessingway is insulting to First Americans. Some believe it is - an act of theft etc.

I just sent a bead to my friend for her labour - a very special bead from a necklace I've worn almost daily from the month before my oldest child was conceived.

threefeethighandrising · 15/01/2011 18:04

A1980 I'm sorry to hear that. I hope your cousin has the support around her she needs.

Sequins · 15/01/2011 18:31

My friends gave me one for my first baby so of course I thought that was very kind and nice of them. I have also been to a friend's, again she didn't organise it herself, and we all enjoyed it.

MadamDeathstare · 15/01/2011 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrSeuss · 15/01/2011 19:53

My vote for the worst baby shower game goes to the Chocolate Nappy Game. When I saw a tray of nappies being brought out, I thought we were in for Blindfold Nappy Change but no. Each nappy was marked with a number and contained a different chocolate bar which had been microwaved. The game was to guess the chocolate bar! Many were still warm!
Second worst game, same shower. Jelly babies inside ice cubes which were placed in the mouth on a signal. First person to "give birth" to a jelly baby won a prize!

StewieGriffinsMom · 15/01/2011 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cherrysodalover · 15/01/2011 20:01

Stata. I agree.

I really do think if you take 1000 yanks and 1000 brits you will find more of the yanks are generous in all ways than the same sample of Brits-it is something in the culture- dare I say a somewhat positive influence of religion. People are kinder here. I speak as a Brit.

The yanks get bashed a lot by the Brits which is so strange really- like they are resented for their enthusiasm and kind of more innocent approach to life.I generalise but you know what I mean. Why does the UK culture not only breed cynicism but also arrogance in a significant enough amount of people that we are known for this? Stiff upper lip is a very kind way of putting it.

miacat · 16/01/2011 05:37

To be honest, at this stage, it all sounds like alot of hard work to me! :) I spose that's why you don't host it yourself.

I think that Brits, as a whole, are generally tacky. Home of the chav. I live in a city, in a council estate. Not a 'bad' one, but we have pikeys and chavs, like everywhere else in the uk. And, although they are mostly harmless, their taste leaves much to be desired. I can imagine what their showers are like. A bit like Jordans hen night...with slightly less booze!

onmyfeet · 16/01/2011 05:48

DrSuess, I think the diaper game is funny, but should be the men who do that one. Some people use jars of baby food, or peanut better, nutshell etc. I haven't heard of the ice cube one, sounds good but again, the dad's should do that one!
Coralanne, your dd's shower sounds lovely!