To think American baby showers are tacky and rude

[DaraMahini]

Anybody agree with me that baby showers (which americans have) are just tacky and quite rude?

I know it is the done thing over there, but it seems to me that if you live in America, you get pregnant and all your friends and family fork out and buy everything for you, including the expensive things like cots, pushchairs and car seats.

[BecauseItoldYouSo]

Yes, I agree MadamDeathstare.

Why would you not want to say thanks, show your appreciation and show others how grateful you are for the thoughfulness of your guests???

Sitting at home alone opening them...F**g Weird!

[youngblowfish]

How lovely that everyone can enjoy different parts of celebrations.

I personally found it distasteful and boring. As much as I am looking forward to having a child very much, I find baby paraphernalia tedious. Then again, I am a first time mother and perhaps cannot yet imagine just how grateful I will be for nappy rash creams and lotions for cracked nipples.

[southofthethames]

Baby showers where the invitations exhort guests to go look up a gift list (which might be very expensive) are tacky, whether thrown by friends or anyone else. A friend threw a baby shower which was also partly a party for her older child and her friends - it was all very informal, lots of cake like Buda's, and just lots of people (mostly mums but also a few dads and many kids) catching up on news. I have also been sent wedding invites that look avaricious, with the gift list highlighted in the card, so it's not just baby showers. A party shouldn't be tacky if it's just about having a good time with friends. And even where it's tradition, expecting your guests to bring gifts is tacky. Anyway, people will generally ask you what you want. And for some, it may be that they can afford a little trinket that the mum might not particularly need but can't afford to pay towards a pushchair. Prospective parents should be able to save up for their own equipment, not expect guests to bail them out. I don't think we'd be seeing that practice transplanted here.

The other thing is that in this country we tend to bring gifts when we visit after the baby's birth - and sometimes it's VERY soon after the baby's birth, so that's why the present isn't brought when the mum to be is expecting. Other cultures might like to do it earlier so that the mum can sort through gifts when she isn't so tired, and in the US many stay in the hospital longer, and it's hard to find the time to organise a party when you're up all night with feeds and nappies. I'm sure some US mums feel it's mad having so many people popping round when they barely have time to wash their hair or take a nap; others might like the company of a close friend popping by for a chat and helping to wash up a few dishes - it really depends on what you have around you. And for first time mums, it's nice to have friends round who have had babies and either want to speak to them for advice or whose friends might have old kit to hand down.

[BlingLoving]

Bue - completely agree. The concept of an A list and B list at a wedding seems utterly bizarre to me. But I accept it's how it's done here. No need to bash customs of other countries.

[ilovesprouts]

baby showers are tacky imho bloody hate them !!

[DaraMahini]

I am amazed how many people have responded to this thread. I'm quite proud, even if it isn't quite what I expected

[DaraMahini]

You clearly did not read my response a few pages back, StewieGriffinsMom. I said I used the wrong word. English is not my first language.

[bumperella]

I love the idea of a nice get-together/party pre-birth, when the parents/mother-to-be gets to spend uninterrupted, fun time with friends and family: could be the last chance for a while!
Also to give freinds/family opportunity to wish them well and celebrate a major life event.
The gift aspect isn't necessarily a big deal, in the same way that wedding gifts aren't (usually!) a big deal to the bride and groom.
I'm sure lots of people like to invite folk round for tea/cake/champagne/etc pre-birth, not to receive gifts but just as a good excuse for a get-together before sleep deprivation kicks in.

[tadjohndoryp]

A couple of genuine questions to Americans then - not trying to be culturally ignorant, just don't know the answer: do you open all wedding presents in front of the giver too? What if you have hundreds of people at the wedding? Is the point of the rehearsal dinner to have just your friends there and then only family at the actual wedding? Or is it as it sounds, a trial run of the next day?

I would be mortified if people had thought they were on a B list when invited to our evening do. All of our family had to drive hours to get to our wedding where we lived and were naturally included for the entire day. Local work colleagues didn't and I would have had to completely over shoot the budget to hire a venue that would have taken everyone for the entire day. I enjoyed the evening do more anyway .

[DrSeuss]

I have been to two baby showers, mainly because I have a number of friends who are members of The Church of Latter Day Saints and they tend to incorporate a lot of American traditions into their way of doing things. At the first one, I was pleasantly surprised to see how practical and utilitarian the gifts were, not to mention not that expensive. Lots of people had made attractive baskets of baby essentials such as wipes, nappies etc and had really not spent a lot. There were baby related games, a quiz and a nice supper provided by Church members. Certainly not tacky, grasping or greedy.

[tadjohndoryp]

Thanks SGM! I made my dd open her presents in front of everyone at her 4th birthday party as I'd noticed it was tradition here (in the US) and was silently praying she wouldn't say anything rude!

[cloudydays]

DaraMahini, I doubt that anyone is going to buy the line that your meaning in the OP has been misunderstood due to English not being your first language. As TheButterflyEffect has noted, your tone is pretty consistent throughout the thread title and OP: "just tacky", "quite rude", "forking out". If you have an opinion that is offensive to another culture, and you decide to post that opinion anyway, please have the decency to either stand by it or apologize for its offensiveness. Claiming you were misunderstood when you so clearly were not is just cowardly.

tadjohndoryp in my experience wedding guests don't tend to bring gifts to the wedding itself. Generally there is a bridal shower, in which case yes, gifts are opened and people are thanked in person just like at a baby shower. Alternatively, people may drop off gifts, give them through a family member (like the bride's mother), or post them to the newlyweds up to a year or so after the wedding has taken place. If a gift is given in person, then yes, it is generally opened in person so that the giver can be thanked. In all of the above cases, a written "thank you" is also sent to the giver.

The wedding rehearsal is a dry-run of the wedding itself, yes. For church weddings, the people attending the rehearsal would be the bridal party, people with a role in the service (readers, eucharistic ministers, etc.), and the immediate family of the bride and groom. After the rehearsal, where people make sure they know their role and ask any questions of the officiant, everyone goes to dinner together, often paid for by the couple or the family, as a way to thank the wedding party. The couple may give token gifts to their bridesmaids/groomsmen etc. or to one another, but gifts for the bride and groom are not given by guests at the rehearsal dinner.

On the subject of weddings, I'm so glad that Bue made the point about "evening only" invitations in Britain and Ireland. I live in Ireland now, and I was very taken aback the first time I was invited to only the afters of a wedding. It did feel like I was on the B-list, and as it was a church wedding I thought it was even more bizarre that I wasn't being asked to share in the celebration of the sacrament, but was welcome to join in the drinks after and, presumably, to bring a gift for the couple.

It was out of step with my own (American) understanding of politeness and normality, so I can understand that people outside of American culture might feel the very same way about baby showers, or wedding showers or trick-or-treat for that matter. But as I became more familiar with the way things are done in Ireland, I grew to understand that it is not insulting or gift-grubbing for people to invite some wedding guests to the afters only. It is simply the way things are done here, so people who are used to it don't look for rudeness and tackiness where none is intended.

Some people think that watching "Friends" and "Sex and the City" makes them sufficiently knowledgable on American culture and traditions to make declarative judgements about them. I think that's why American traditions are considered fair game for culture-bashing in a way that other countries' traditions are not.

[Shanster]

They are not all that bad. I live in the US, and had 3 for my first child (one hosted by DH's family, one by my friends and another at work). I did register for things we needed, but we bought all the 'big' things ourselves (cot, pram, car seats). It meant people bought us things we needed and wanted for the baby, it is just the same concept as a wedding list. I'm pregnant with #2 just now, and there will be no baby shower as you only get this for your first child.
Anyway, all baby gifts are bought before the baby is born, so you don't have people popping round with gifts all the time. Instead, your friends might pop round after the baby is born for 15-20 mins with dinner for the family that night, which is very helpful!!
On the other hand, while it is always nice to receive gifts, the Uk custom of buying clothes after the baby is born often results in waste. I can't tell you how many clothes I received for DD as gifts which she never wore as they were the wrong size/season. Personally, if I were to give a gift anyway I'd prefer to buy something the person needs rather than a snowsuit which would fit the baby in the middle of a hot summer...

[cloudydays]

Sorry for x-post, SGM already answered those questions, and more succinctly that I did!

[PinkElephant73]

I had a surprise baby shower thrown for me by a French Canadian colleague at work (in the UK), as a leaving do before mat leave.
we played silly games, had a lovely afternoon tea and I got "showered" with lots of tiny gifts eg baby socks, bath thermometer etc, as well as John Lewis vouchers as a main present from them all.

it was absolutely lovely, and beautifully organised by my colleague. so it just depends on how it is done. Ive never been to a "tacky" baby shower as described by the OP and I wonder whether the OP has ever been to one either or if he/she is just blowing hot air?