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AIBU?

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Original poster

..to NOT want my student son to have a part time job?

511 replies

PrincessRollo · 09/01/2011 21:01

My husband supports me and my DS from a previous marriage. DS is in his second year of a Chemical Engineering Degree and lives away from home in a shared student flat. We own our own business, and are in a position to be able to support DS through his five year course. I met OH when DS was seven and to my utter disappointment and heartache, they have never had a particularly close relationship (to the point of causing many arguments in our marriage. I never thought it would be 'The Waltons', for one thing not enough kids...but I didn't expect them to be at such opposite ends of the spectrum. OH is a worker, DS is an academic.) However, OH has no problem supporting DS through Uni; we pay his rent and food bills. Up until last month DS had a part time job in Pizza Hut which paid his social life, extras etc. He has now given up this job, citing too much study, and promises to try to get a placement during the summer (not guaranteed.) Chem Eng is a HARD degree, and I do not want DS studies to suffer due to having to work part time. OH disagrees and says there is nothing stopping him getting another job in Asda etc. DS is not asking for more money from us - I don't know how he will cope but I guess he will buy cigs instead of food. This is causing real strain and DS and OH are now not speaking until DS gets another job.

Piggy in the middle asking for some advice.

Thanks

OP posts:
ZillionChocolate · 09/01/2011 21:05

I think it's probably not fair to expect your DH to support your adult son's social life. If he has time for a social life (and I hear what you say about his degree being difficult), he probably has time for a part time job.

whoknowswhatthefutureholds · 09/01/2011 21:05

I personally think it is always important to support yourself to some extent.

I'm with your husband. even if it is a small job.

WidowWadman · 09/01/2011 21:06

I always worked part time while I was at uni, as did actually everyone I was at uni with. Don't see why he couldn't.

duchesse · 09/01/2011 21:08

Entirely depends on the structure of the course and density of lectures and work expected of him. I went to a university where you really did not have time to work in term-time and I can sympathise with your son if he feels he can't. It is his extras he will be sacrificing so he must feel the work is negatively impacting his studies. ChemEng is a very demanding degree with the likelihood of high future earnings so your son may very well be making the best possible choice for him. I feel that if you are able to you should support him in this decision and make it possible for him. He'll hardly be living the life of Reilly on a student income.

expatinscotland · 09/01/2011 21:09

'I don't know how he will cope but I guess he will buy cigs instead of food. This is causing real strain and DS and OH are now not speaking until DS gets another job.'

My father worked full-time whilst studying for both a bachelor's and then a master's in petroleum engineering.

He was 35 when he completed the master's and had a wife and two young children to support and a mortgage to pay.

It will not kill your son to get a job and if his studies suffer, he has no one to blame but himself for not organising his time better, a good skill for any adult to learn.

If he wants to buy cigs instead of food, let him.

I'd definitely cut off the gravy train rather than buy my kid fags.

llbeanj · 09/01/2011 21:09

you pay his rent and his food already? so what does his student loans go on?
if youre worried about him having enough money to smoke and not too eat then i think you should give him a chance to grow up!

whoknowswhatthefutureholds · 09/01/2011 21:10

should add I'm doing a degree with 3 children under the age of 6 and worked part time til it was no longer finacially viable due to childcare costs since DD was born last year.

It is a full on course as too.

expatinscotland · 09/01/2011 21:10

He gets his rent and food bills paid, duchess. If he has so much studying to do, then he doesn't have time for socialising.

No one needs fags and piss ups.

Original poster
PrincessRollo · 09/01/2011 21:11

I think I have probably always felt a bit guilty that DS has had two fathers who were both a bit distant. Biological father left when he was 2, stepfather and he never gelled from the start. So I can see that I am over protective and have probably not helped matters much. I am grateful to OH for all his support for DS over the years. I guess I need to see that DS is probably taking the piss.

OP posts:
Littlepurpleprincess · 09/01/2011 21:12

Perspective;

My DP is also in his second year of a degree.

He has a job that helps to support me and our child.

Your DS is an adult.

I don't know how he will cope but I guess he will buy cigs instead of food

WTF? But that's his own stupid choice, and not your problem.

readywithwellies · 09/01/2011 21:12

Places like McDonalds are very flexible.
What you can suggest is that your ds gets a job for one evening a week during term time (brings in peanuts but gets foot in door) then during holidays he can work more hours. Often you can work in more than one store so he could work term time near his uni and then holidays near you.

My exh did engineering, yes it is alot of lessons time but he does have all weekend and every evening. He no doubt finds time for socialising, so let him earn the money to fund it. I worked all the way through uni, didn't do me any harm.

ilythia · 09/01/2011 21:12

I worked through university and so did the majority of my friends.
The ones who didn't and were wholly subsidised by parents were shit with money, always the first to run out and the last to budget properly.
I say he should get a job if he wants extra money, it's a good life skill and looks better on CV's for one thing.

AnyFucker · 09/01/2011 21:13

he should work

it does young people no favours at all to think they can coast along while someone picks up the bill

yabu

HelenaRose · 09/01/2011 21:13

Having a part-time job has given me responsibility and confidence (and money to be able to eat food), but at the severe detriment of my degree. If you can save him from having to work part-time, you'll be giving him a better degree mark at the end of it.

Littlefish · 09/01/2011 21:14

I agree with the majority of the other posters.

Your ds should be supporting himself wherever possible. You are already giving him far more financial support than many, many of his peers will be receiving.

I've been to university/college twice. Each time, I either had a part time job during term time, or a full time job during the holidays. I survived on a student grant and what I could earn. No handouts.

I completely agree with your husband.

AnyFucker · 09/01/2011 21:14

he might have a "better" degree but no idea about the value of money and a work ethic

curlymama · 09/01/2011 21:17

I agree with your DH, but I don't understand why your DH and DS aren't talking over this. Unless your DS isn't being quite as grateful as he should be that someone else is paying for him to live and eat and study.

Littlepurpleprincess · 09/01/2011 21:17

Yeah a better degree is really useful if he doesn't even realise he can't eat ciggies!

Life is more than academics. So much more.

Original poster
PrincessRollo · 09/01/2011 21:18

He doesn't get a student loan. We are in Scotland - he gets his uni course paid - but our income means he gets no other help.

He goes out one night a week.

He goes into Uni every day to study in the libray to save on heating bills.

He smokes. Big deal. So did I from 15 - 42, (till I discovered Allen Carr) so it would be hypocrytical of me to get annoyed about it.

I don't think anyone who has not been at Uni can understand the pressures (Duchesse, thank you for putting it so susinctly)sp?

but I KNOW my son, he is not a lazy boy usually. I don't know if he is taking the piss or is genuinely overwhelmed with study.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrincessRollo · 09/01/2011 21:19

How can anyone get a job for one night a week??

OP posts:
Spenguin · 09/01/2011 21:19

Give him extra on the condition he works in the holidays to pay you back?

AnyFucker · 09/01/2011 21:21

I don't think anyone who has not been at Uni can understand the pressures

eh ?

how patronising

I went to Uni

I funded myself, start to finish

my parents refused to support me

he is a lucky boy, if he doesn't acknowledge that you have a problem

the fact that you don't seem to acknowldge it is very puzzling to me

Spenguin · 09/01/2011 21:21

Also, how good/bad are job opportunities where he is? If it's St Andrews, he couldn't get a job in the town if he paid them!

Violethill · 09/01/2011 21:22

I worry about my dd having to work p/t while technically being a full time University student. And my 6th form ds with his weekend job. But that's life isn't it? And DH and I both work full time already, so its not like we can do any more. If parents both work, its likely your University age kids won't be able to get the full maintenance loan, and your 16-18 yr olds won't get EMA (well, nor will anyone soon). So they have to work. TBH it probably stands them in better stead for real life than thinking someone else is going to pay up for them.

charliesmommy · 09/01/2011 21:23

He needs to get himself a job in a pub like most other students.. then he gets a night out as well as earning some money for his cigarettes.

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