..to NOT want my student son to have a part time job?

[PrincessRollo]

My husband supports me and my DS from a previous marriage. DS is in his second year of a Chemical Engineering Degree and lives away from home in a shared student flat. We own our own business, and are in a position to be able to support DS through his five year course. I met OH when DS was seven and to my utter disappointment and heartache, they have never had a particularly close relationship (to the point of causing many arguments in our marriage. I never thought it would be 'The Waltons', for one thing not enough kids...but I didn't expect them to be at such opposite ends of the spectrum. OH is a worker, DS is an academic.) However, OH has no problem supporting DS through Uni; we pay his rent and food bills. Up until last month DS had a part time job in Pizza Hut which paid his social life, extras etc. He has now given up this job, citing too much study, and promises to try to get a placement during the summer (not guaranteed.) Chem Eng is a HARD degree, and I do not want DS studies to suffer due to having to work part time. OH disagrees and says there is nothing stopping him getting another job in Asda etc. DS is not asking for more money from us - I don't know how he will cope but I guess he will buy cigs instead of food. This is causing real strain and DS and OH are now not speaking until DS gets another job.

Piggy in the middle asking for some advice.

Thanks

So why are your DH and DS not talikng to eachother?

There must be more to this.

How am I 'patronising people'?

I personally have never been to uni. Forgive me if I offended anyone

On the other hand - at least you ds is talking to you. Many dcs smoke without their parents knowing.

I think a social life is a pretty important part of college life. It was for me anyway. Look, I understand the other POV, but it isn't mine. As I said, it's pretty irrelevant because if my DC go to college the costs will be massive and we'll all have to work to fund it, but if I could give them enough money not to have to get a job (not masses over the rent/catering bills, but some), then I would.

Smoking their allowance away would piss me off though. God, I hope they don't smoke!

my uni course was mon-fri 9-5, with full attendance expected

I worked every saturday 8-6 and occasional sunday

and all through uni holidays full time

I came out with a good degree

I wanted a social life and holidays abroad

I paid for them myself

things are a bit different in scotland though - if the parents earn a lot then he can only get £900 a year loan, instead of the £3500 minimum in England - the parents are expected to pay the difference.

PR...you are being patronising because you said "only people who had been to uni would understand"

Holiday jobs quite different IMO. Why wouldn't you work then?

'It's up to him if he smokes! People keep telling me he is an adult...what am I supposed to do, get the Ciggy Police to make sure he isn't spending his food money on fags from 300 miles away'

You're right, Princess. He's an adult. It's up to him if he spends his food money on fags and doesn't get a job to buy food.

Unless YOU, yourself, are willing to get another job and buy him cartons of fags.

Because by pressuring your husband to pay out even more when you are already paying the essentials, that is taking the piss.

Believe me, he won't starve himself. He's intelligent enough to realise that money doesn't grow on trees so if he wants to smoke and eat then he needs to get a job.

My DD is at uni and we support her so she doesn't have to work during term time. At her uni very few people do work.

She will work during the long summer hols and during her gap year she had 2 jobs. We feel as we are in the position to help why shouldn't we?

If your DH is so against giving him any more money, would he agree to loan him some, which he pays back via a summer job?

Princess - do you work outside the home?

I am INCREDIBLY pissed off about the smoking. DS was SO sporty, and so anti...till he hit 16 and he tried a fag.

Gawd, I wish I hadn't mentioned the fags. It's clouded the whole thing. Most students smoke and drink, or am I on another planet? If I had said he would buy beer, or continue to tithe in his Church instead of 'buying food' would it have made a diference??

I'm clearly in a minority here but feel that, whilst life there is about a lot more than studying, getting a good degree has to be the main aim of uni so prefer my 2 to not work during termtime. It's a hard world out there now for graduates and a few marks can make a big difference to employability at the end of uni.

Why can't he take out a student loan?

unavailable - I worked for 30 years in aviation. Now I work in the family business which is 24 hours (car sales, garage breakdown and taxi service company) so it would be pretty hard to squeeze any more hours in to pay for sons fags. Even if I wanted to :)

I would say if he is not asking for any money off you then you should let him carry on as he is now while telling him in no uncertain terms that you will not be giving him any handouts. He will either cope on a small amount or if he can't it will motivate him to get a job.

I think a part-time job can be valuable in many ways and some places only want saturday staff for as little as 6-8 hours a week.

Finally he is only in his second year- could you come to some sort of compromise with your oh/ds that he must support himself for the time being with you helping him in his final year so he will have plenty of time for his studies? I know from my own experience and friends that final years in all subjects get a lot harder and more intense.

Never mind who 'should' pay for what - the current deal is that you/dh pay for essentials & he usually works to cover his social life & luxuries, but now he's decided he can't manage the job atm because of pressure of studies?

Yet he hasn't asked for more money, so presumably he's cutting his spends.

Yes, that may mean he doesn't make particularly sensible choices (buying fags & living off beans on toast, say) but that is a big part of growing up - learning to make those choices.

I don't see why he & your dh need to have fallen out over this?

I'd be equally irritated at him giving my money to the church too...

i did NOT work in term time during my undergraduate degree and i'm very glad i didn't, i studied science and had labs and lectures all day every day, in my spare time i did stuff with student clubs and societies which actually led me to the job i do now and was invaluable.

i did however work saturdays from the age of 15 and every holiday.

i don't think that all students have to spend all night working behind a bar or waitressing, i can understand that some students would find this too much with exams coming up.

he's not asking for more money so leave him be.. he can make up the shortfall in the summer (i did two jobs one summer working 9-5 in a vistor attraction then 6-midnight waitressing)

I agree with you about the smoking. You can't control him smoking. You can control the free cash you give him. If I were him, I would lie to you, say I had given up and then just smoke when you weren't around.

Yes, most students have some vice or other.

How about making up some food parcels or sending him an internet shop? No cash, just healthy brain boosting food and drinks? Is this something you and your DH could discuss?
Maybe allow ds to order, you review it to check no ciggies, alcohol or other non-necessities and DH pay? Rather than giving him money?

'If I had said he would buy beer, or continue to tithe in his Church instead of 'buying food' would it have made a diference??'

Wouldn't have made a difference to me.

He's given money to buy food. If he spends it on something else, that's his lookout.

He's not a child.

Of course he should have a job - it does them the world of good to have a bit of financial independance.

My DD works p/t (15 hours + a week) in a restaurant while doing joint degrees in Maths and Education, she also volunteers in a school and she manages to have a very full social life.

Her boyfriend is fully funded by his parents and is extremely lucky to have no student debt - even he works in the local Gamestation.

YABVVU.

Your ds can get a job in the holidays and also in termtime (possibly a bit more difficult but not out of the question). His studies won't suffer, only his social life and I don't see this as a problem. Before posters say this is too much, can I say that I completed 3 degrees and worked pt during the first 2 and full-time during the last one. I came out with good degrees.

Don't even start me on your paying for him to smoke....

I'd love to be able to pay my dcs bills for university but it's never going to happen.