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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to NOT want my student son to have a part time job?

511 replies

PrincessRollo · 09/01/2011 21:01

My husband supports me and my DS from a previous marriage. DS is in his second year of a Chemical Engineering Degree and lives away from home in a shared student flat. We own our own business, and are in a position to be able to support DS through his five year course. I met OH when DS was seven and to my utter disappointment and heartache, they have never had a particularly close relationship (to the point of causing many arguments in our marriage. I never thought it would be 'The Waltons', for one thing not enough kids...but I didn't expect them to be at such opposite ends of the spectrum. OH is a worker, DS is an academic.) However, OH has no problem supporting DS through Uni; we pay his rent and food bills. Up until last month DS had a part time job in Pizza Hut which paid his social life, extras etc. He has now given up this job, citing too much study, and promises to try to get a placement during the summer (not guaranteed.) Chem Eng is a HARD degree, and I do not want DS studies to suffer due to having to work part time. OH disagrees and says there is nothing stopping him getting another job in Asda etc. DS is not asking for more money from us - I don't know how he will cope but I guess he will buy cigs instead of food. This is causing real strain and DS and OH are now not speaking until DS gets another job.

Piggy in the middle asking for some advice.

Thanks

OP posts:
GoneSouth · 09/01/2011 21:54

My DS is taking a demanding academic degree and works part time throughout the year. He is able to transfer and fits it between his lectures, labs, studying and social life. None of which are suffering.

He is motivated to work to maintain his car and for him it is worth those early mornings and late nights being bored rigid filling shelves.

I am proud of the fact that he already has work experience on his CV - he turns up on time, he is honest, he gets on with people and he is able to work with the general public. His social skills have come on tremendously.

Together with the first class degree he is aiming to get, he will be employable. Its not about the money for us - its about giving him the tools he needs to become independent once he has his degree.

unavailable · 09/01/2011 21:55

Princess - in your OP you said your dh supported you and your son. As you work the the family business, I'm ot sure why you put it that way.

If you think he is genuinely struggling and you can afford to help out more, then do it.

jugglingjo · 09/01/2011 21:57

Perhaps you/he could compromise with OH, and he could work say one evening a week, perhaps in a bar or restaurant. I thought the poster who suggested McDonalds or similar was interesting as they said they are quite flexible, and it could lead to more work in the holidays, which could be in his home town if necessary.

unavailable · 09/01/2011 21:58

Not (not ot!)

Malificence · 09/01/2011 21:58

P.S. my DD (21) knows hardly anyone her age who smokes, surely most students have the sense not to waste £5+ on one pack of fags?

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 09/01/2011 21:58

My DD1 is at Uni ..studying medicine. ..which I think is considered about as full on as it gets.
We aren't wealthy so she has a student loan and I help with a very small amount each week towards food..that's IT...she has to pay her rent and bills. She still manages to work around her course doing care work for disabled children on a flexible basis.

As others have said it's perfectly possible to work just a few hours a week.. and he should. Thats life. The majority of students HAVE to work to pay for the basics these days.. (DD1 is quite scathing of those who live on parental handouts ..says they are the ones pissing it up the walls!)

I think your DH is right. Education isn't a passport to sit and wait for Mummy and Daddy to pay... everyone can study and work!

Original poster
PrincessRollo · 09/01/2011 21:58

Can I just add to give a bit of perspective on this lazy, irresponsible, piss taking boy. (Yes, I know I mentioned taking the piss, but some of these comments are getting me down.)

DS is a sensible student. He loves his social life, but limits it to one night out a week - at a student club where he meets people he knows well and drinks are at discounted rates. he studies at a library to limit heating costs. He has worked for the last four years, an hour round trip four nights per week. He smokes - I think we have established that - but hs is not El Diablo. He is into Metal music, and got a ticket to Download Festival from his grandparents last year - his only 'holiday' in five years since we embarrassed him in Parrot Park in Tenerife. He applied for the minimum loan to SASS which is yet to come through and will be 800 per YEAR. (Just enough to buy his fags!) He thinks he is a burden on us and has asked for no extra money and is grateful that we pay his rent and allowances. He has promised to pay back anything he owes when he graduates. We don't want this - we want to support him. OH feels DS should be working even with a hard uni course... and I don't. OH and I have always not seen eye to eye about DS, probably a step issue, I don't know...all I know is I LOVE my son and want the best for him.

OP posts:
Sequins · 09/01/2011 22:00

I did part-time work through university and, in all honesty, I think I would have got a better grade if I hadn't. However, I am not sure I would have got a better job - work experience is very valuable on a CV. Even my friend whose dad was an investment banker had a part-time job for this reason although admittedly it was a job at Prada, which I expect is probably not available to many students!

I think it would not be unreasonable to expect a student to have a summer job, at the very least.

Original poster
PrincessRollo · 09/01/2011 22:00

Yes, when I re read my OP I realised that I had worded it wrong...but I could not find a way to edit it.

I work in the family business.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/01/2011 22:01

err... why did you post then ? Confused

Original poster
PrincessRollo · 09/01/2011 22:03

You still here?

What exactly is your problem with me, anyfucker?

OP posts:
Joolyjoolyjoo · 09/01/2011 22:03

Well, I worked p/t in pizzaland while studying to be a vet, and no great harm came to me.

Matter of fact, I think the stint I had as a waitress was really important, as it taught me to deal with the general public- difficult customers, aggressive customers etc, none of which we got taught in vet school, and which has been invaluable experience in real life!

all work is mind-expanding and useful, and he will enjoy the money he has earned himself- let him get another job!

Spenguin · 09/01/2011 22:03

Princess - you've answered your own question.

You want to support him, he's not a bad kid...so, IMO, I would support him.

I didn't work through university - and I did an English Lit degree, which had minimal class time in comparison. Making minimum wage was not worth getting a 2.i - to my parents or in my estimation either. That degree will mean the rest of his life - especially as it's in Chem Eng.

TheButterflyEffect · 09/01/2011 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuickLookBusy · 09/01/2011 22:03

I would be inclind to tell your DH you are going to give him a bit extra each week, until he gets through his exams.

TheButterflyEffect · 09/01/2011 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

montysorry · 09/01/2011 22:05

I'm going to be really flamed for this but in all honesty, I think you were being unreasonable to marry a man who was not willing to treat your son as his own.

(Not that I disagree with your DH here, just going on what you have posted)

QuickLookBusy · 09/01/2011 22:05

I meant inclined

Xenia · 09/01/2011 22:05

This what happens when women don't have proper careers of their own. Why don't you support your husband and your adult son? Do you have arms and legs? Is it because you're female you can't support people? That's the weird thintg about the post, that a woman cannot earn enough to support herself and her child and have to live off male earnings. Go forth and outearn your husband and all your problems will be solved. Real economic power for women is the way to go.

Spenguin · 09/01/2011 22:05

Also, I did work in the summer holidays, but that was it. I never had a job whilst at school. To me, this 'valuable work experience and CV' stuff is irrelevant. I got a job with a Magic Circle law firm and distinctly remember saying to the interviewers that I was at university to do one thing and one thing only. Get a goddamn First.

jugglingjo · 09/01/2011 22:05

One good solution would be to encourage him to give up smoking ! Extremely bad for his health, £800 a year, and easier to give up now than later ! Think about it, and encourage him to do the same.

expatinscotland · 09/01/2011 22:05

So, in other words, you wanted us all to say, 'Yes, I think you should give this adult more money'. Instead of, 'He's not asking you for anymore. If he uses food money for other purposes, it is not your lookout because he is an adult.'

Um, okay.

AnyFucker · 09/01/2011 22:05

^You still here?

What exactly is your problem with me, anyfucker?^

aggression ?

why ?

notmyproblem · 09/01/2011 22:07

Is the issue that your DH thinks DS needs to have a job? Or that he objects to giving him more money? In other words, if your DS doesn't have a job and also doesn't get extra money from you, is that ok by your DH?

If it's the former, than I think your DH is unreasonable. If DS can make do fine with what you give him and budget accordingly to live on less, then good for him. It's not a requirement to have a job at uni, and as you've pointed out, he's had one for years already so it's not like he doesn't understand what work is.

If it's the latter, then I think you are being unreasonable to insist you and DH give him more money to cover what he's stopped earning now that he's not working. Like the others said, he hasn't asked for more money (and the fact that you are worrying about him before he even asks makes you a bit PFB frankly). He can figure out how to make ends meet one way or another, it's only another few months til summmer when he can get a full-time job and start earning for next year.

Let him be the adult he is and stop babying him. You're not doing him any favours running around behind him making sure he can afford food and cigarettes and social nights out, if anything you're making it worse. Not to mention damaging your relationship with your DH.

expatinscotland · 09/01/2011 22:08

'I'm going to be really flamed for this but in all honesty, I think you were being unreasonable to marry a man who was not willing to treat your son as his own.'

How is he not treating him as his own? Where'd you get that from? This person gets his living expenses paid and money for food, which the OP is worried he blows on other stuff (fags).